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I'm no longer sure what's right and what's wrong...





A few days back I read a post about a lady who met this guy on facebook. They hit it off and started exchanging texts and phone calls. Eventually they made plans for a date, which was to be one evening on a weekday. The chica being a 9-5'er would meet up with the young man after work at the appointed place. Broda however had other plans. He said she should come and pick him up. (Now, there's nothing wrong with this; but for a first date? The first time you both would be meeting? Come the fuck on!). She explained to him that it wouldn't be possible, his place was exact opposites from where they were meant to meet and her office is in an entirely different direction. Also, you know how Lagos traffic is at that time of the day, going from her office to pick him up and then head for the date spot would take no less than two hours. Of course this kind of chore would be completely unappealing to anyone after a hard day's work. Well bros wasn't interested in this explanation and it was sayonara after that. 

Wow. 

More intriguing is that the lady shared this story on her BBM and most people had her to blame. "You should have just gone to pick him up"... " After all you women expect men to do the same thing". "That's how you've missed your husband". "Maybe he was just testing you to know if you can make a good wife". 

Wait, what?

So a couple of weeks back on a flight back to Lagos I met this guy. We sat together and he was in and out of sleep the whole flight. As our descent was announced he suddenly jerked and started to make small talk with me, as expected he soon asked for my phone number which I gave him. Before I'd even left the mainland he had already called me once and sent a few WhatsApp messages. Words like "I wanted to talk to you from the minute I got to my seat but your beauty made me shy" and "I know we're going to be good friends, my instincts are often right" were said. We chatted back and forth for a few days until he asked me out on a date. Well, that was also expected so I obliged. Then he said "You will have to come to Ojo". Wait. Where is Ojo again? I hear it's after Festac. I asked him why I had to come and he asked me Why Not? 

I told him I wouldn't do that; after all he was the one asking me out on a date, he was the one who approached me, he was the one saying he would like us to have a relationship... And now that it's time to do the work, he's expecting me to come all the way? What for? I mean, he wasn't even suggesting we meet halfway, perhaps suggest we meet at Surulere or Ikeja. No, dude said I should come to Ojo. I said no can do. He disappeared immediately and that's just fine. 

Somewhere during the conversation he started to attack me with the "Island girl" line. Wait, so because you live on the Island you cannot come to Ojo? So if it's not on the island you cannot hang out? So you only date people that live on the island? So island this and island that. Eishhh! I tried to explain that that was not the point. Strictly speaking I don't even live on the island. Bros nor gree hear o! It was either I come to Ojo or nothing. 

I chose nothing. 

And then there's this other brother I met several weeks back. The writer of the above text. He met me while I was walking to my car after dinner one night at Marcopolo and he seemed polite and friendly. I felt this might be a fun person to have around so I gave him my number. The next time we saw, dude freaked out when I told him I'm a lawyer. He said "Nne please don't put me I jail!". "Are you jail-worthy?" I asked. "Hmmm yes o! Over-jail worthy sef. But a man must do what he must to survive". At least he gets points for honesty. 
     Actually his livelihood was my least concern, there were greater reasons I was put off by him. Call it intuition, but I knew he wasn't the one, or even someone I wanted to be friends with, so I stopped taking his calls. Dude couldn't understand why a single 30 year old woman would turn down a catch like him. After several ignored calls he sent me the above text. 

All I could do was smile. Dude just confirmed to me that I made the right choice turning him down. I mean, why get so nasty simply because I didn't pick your calls? And this is whom I'm supposed to "drop me standards" for and call husband? Tufia kwa! I didn't respond to the text and a few days later he began to call again. SMDH!

So really, how much of her standards is a woman supposed to drop? But more importantly, why have men suddenly become so lazy; why ask a woman out and expect her to come and pick you up or drive two hours to meet up with you while you cross your legs and wait? What's to blame for this recent malaise...

But the lady with the Facebook friend was told she was at fault as there was no biggie in going to pick him up... Do you agree with this? Do you think I should have gone to Ojo and seen where things went from there? Should women begin to meet the men halfway and accept this role reversal? When you come to think about it, is there really anything wrong with that? What do you think?

Comments

  1. I've had two long distance relationships, and in both cases the ladies were the ones who suggested coming to my territory, and both cases I refused them, shaking my head. I did a minor survey among my friends and (wayward) acquaintances and came to the conclusion that this culture is accepted generally. I was amazed, more amazed that a lady will not just accept it, but would suggest it. Smh, world people.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've said this many times before, I might be wrong here but I think that the women are to blame for this "role reversal". This reminds me of the post about single girls preferring married men because single guys act like they should worship the ground they walk on. You're the same reason that the single guys act that way.
    Ladies should stop acting so desperate to get hitched, you'd be surprised how low some girls drop their standards just so they could snag a guy. And guys have started sensing this desperate climate change. Man was created to be the pursuers but it's now the woman that pursues man and the man being the egotistical numbskull that he is derives immense pleasure from the attention. Why else would a guy ask you to leave lekki and come to ojo? It's because at least one other girl has done it and he wants to see how low you'll stoop and how much he can use you to shine.
    The same trend has even affected hustling, now it's like women hustle harder than men then spend their money on one olodo hoping that the olodo will propose, you people should stop it!!! The men have even started hunting for desperate rich single girls, and they catch them too easily.

    For a short while I was guilty of this, there were girls who wouldn't give me the time of day when we were in school that are now closing in on 30. There's a BBM group that we're in, I added some of them and starting trying my luck. Now they are the ones on my case, I decided to pull out when I saw it was getting too serious. When one even said she told her mum about me, I said wait, what? How? From chat o, we hadn't even seen each other physically in years.

    Ladies the power was yours but you lost it out of desperation, good news is that you can get it back. Go back to being the pursued, stop acting so desperate to get married. Wait, master patience and he who deserves you will come to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel so pained the way girls have lowered their standards.

      Delete
    2. Coudnt agree more. D ladies are to be blamed for the men's sudden laziness!

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    3. Steele, am beginning to fall for u, am single. Heehhehheehehhe, u just hit the nail on the head, gbam is the word to use.

      Delete
    4. Lmao @told her mum about me. That one is manageable na. The one that wants to travel the length of 9ja to meet *stranger* you nko? Also from chat. Person never hear your voice or analyze your pictures finish.

      Delete
    5. Thank you Steele. God bless you. :*

      Delete
    6. Steele,you're one very sensible person.God bless you.

      Delete
    7. Ah Maybel wait o, before you fall and wound yourself... Do you have money? I date only rich gehs... Hehe

      Delete
    8. Haba Steele, money na small thing now. Lmao.

      Delete
  3. All these lazy boys that call them selves men. I don't blame them na. It's society and desperate women that have made it so.

    You did the right thing Thelma, I would have done same, this isnt about forming or tryna play hard to get.

    That's how it starts, next thing they will say you should come and pound yam and wash cloth on first date to test your womanhood. Just as it has become normal for girls/women to get pregnant before marriage will happen.

    Do not drop your standards biko. I just dey vex. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  4. From Udo's text, it's obvious that he feels he is the one doing you a favor cos you are 30. That sense of entitlement.

    Maybe when our women start marrying foreigners, then our so called Naija bruvs will sit up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They've already started, lol.

      Delete
  5. Lol. Next stop Badagry then.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Truth be told. If not for child bearing, I will gladly remain single. Am so sorry, I have come to respect women who have resolved to be single mothers despite what the world is saying. The kind of shakara men do these days, is on anoher level, To think that most women these days earn more than those male that make this shakara is a discussion for another day. A visit to any fertility centre will show the rate of ladies who work into these hospitals to look for unknown male donors to father their children. These women would have been tired of these men shakara. If a woman did not marry will the person die???. Have you not noticed the rate most married women age compared to single mothers of their age group.The most important thing on earth as far as I am concerned is to love God,have children, vomit all your love on them and not marriage. Mind you, its my personal opinion, don't come here to preach otherwise.

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  7. So thelma you had to come and put our whole encounter here. ehn kwa?

    ReplyDelete
  8. WTF, they blamed her for not going to meet the guy? What is the world turning into? Why do men or guys think they are doing us a favor by asking us out? All the way from lekki to ojo? That dude is heartless, for heaven sake he is the one chasing u so why would he expect you to come all the way? When it's not a biz deal? Never never and never. This computer age is turning people to funny things. I have met guys who tried doing the above and one time I ditched them, I no get patience for nonsense.

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  9. Honestly, marriage is over rated jare. Na to fulfil all righteousness make babe's they kill their self.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Exactly opposite where they agreed to meet and hin no fit cross road? I don't get it. For those that are of the opinion that he was probably testing her, what if she escaped being kidnapped by her refusal? '' First date'' for crying out loud! There's no such thing as too much precaution.
    And the ''sleeper-Ojo man'' na hin funny pass, like seriously!
    ''full of shit'' for not answering your calls? you're definitely shit yourself to have said that to a grown lady.
    What is wrong with this generation?! I keep saying social media is the genesis of all these problems. No be through social media yahoo boys start? They get excessive cash to flaunt around and lazy girls who have insatiable urge for temporary luxury make themselves readily available just to show case a false life.
    Everybody on instagram seem to have the perfect life, hence every girl wants to keep up, thereby subjecting themselves to the whims and caprices of every guy with few bucks. The young married ones are all over the place too, hence, all the insecure singles feel incomplete without a man and they begin to take every form of shit thrown at them. iranu!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Now I'm not taking sides.
    I choose to preach the gender equality thing too... So here's my take on the first story.
    A guy and a girl arranged for a date that so happened to be just close to the guys place. (Keyword: arranged)
    Now I don't see why she has to 'come PICK him', what's the point? He can pretty much walk to the place and wait for her. (I don't want to care which gender is which) so why is she making a fuss out of it. You should have objected before the said date. Or is there something I'm getting wrong in the story?

    As for the men 'lazying' around these days, I see it as one thing, The clash of cultures. We as Africans have had our own culture for centuries until the white men came with their form of formal Educational system(Wch I believe is way better than ours). Now it has gradually grown to the point where it now affects how and when a man and a woman is supposed to marry in an African society that initially had its own culture.

    Pressures everywhere.
    A girl graduates at 24 and she is trying to find her feet and know her own self in a society, parents start flogging the thoughts of settling down 'quickly'(I still wonder what 'quickly' means). Then any guy who comes her way becomes husband material... Inside marriage, issues start developing and then the beginning of the end to a bad marriage, but it doesnt 'end' becuase family start telling u to endure... 'Life' happens!

    A man finishes school and he's told to be successful. (Whether he will become successful or not... He is trying to.) All this while, he's not bothered about marriage, no pressure, because he knows that his African society makes him believe that the opposite sex are being pressured and sooner than later they will come running and he has even started experiencing it even when he's still on his path to establishing himself.

    So now, we are all humans, male or female. Our natural instincts always want to take advantage of any situation we find ourselves, without being empathetic about it.(this is in regards to what Steele said abt men taking advantage), we as humans, are naturally selfish in that regards. We always want what's best for us. Simple. Since the society has chosen to play into the hands of a particular gender, that's just the way it is, right now.

    Oga Steele, I'm sorry to use these words but I have to, regardless of our appropriate or inappropriate it is "DONT HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAME".
    if any other BV is offended, its nothing personal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said Uyi, if you notice it's not the players I was referring to, it's the game. The rules have been changed

      Delete
  12. There's someone who's proposed to me every time we meet face to face and online for the last 3-4 years and I've always said no to him.
    Recently, he said “you're not that young again, you're twenty eight”. I couldn't believe it.
    To threaten or to blackmail me (I don’t know which) he said if I don't accept him, he'll get married by December this year because there are two ladies waiting for him to propose.
    I told him to send me an invitation. Guys are now bullying girls with the age factor. Things like that can't work on me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. U know cases like this makes me so grateful I'm no longer dating ! Gosh I just can't. U did the right thing Thelma the guy is a knoklehead. Wara piece of S**t

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hahaha Thelma hahahaha! I am laughing at uou not because they are taubting you but bcos you actually seem irritated by them. Look once you hit 30 be ready to buckle your belt and collect insults for no reason other than you are 30 and single.

    My own i stopped taking them as insults and started finding them funny. One married guy told me he would pay my rent if we could be together so i told him sure - i even gave him my account number that he should pay in first then we can discuss. Our mutual friend then told him I owned my apartment after I left..he sent an apology - i told him i was only interested if he could pay my rent.

    Look forget these skeezers out there. There are still many goodmen walking around- just pay enough attention so that when they show up you can connect if you are interested in a proper relationship. Yes there is more chaff than wheat, but wheat often doesnt come in a well packed box.

    I got married after 30 and my father threw an ignorant yoruba party in his own words - his daugter found a stellar husband after 30.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. I still do not understand why the role should be reversed and why the reversal persists. For me, if the lady makes the move or attempts to fast-track the wheel of events after I've made the move, I loose interest. Either ways, I'm completely tuned and turned off. For me, the chase and all the attendant suspense is the bloodline of the 'game' without which the game ends ere it begins.

    That is how it should be. A man who does otherwise sadly, is far from his worth. I must add that for this to abide, just like others have said, the woman has to wake up to her role- of safeguarding the bloodline of the 'game'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "the chase and all the attendant suspense is the bloodline of the 'game'"

      "the woman has to wake up to her role- of safeguarding the bloodline of the 'game'."

      I hear you loud and clear!

      Delete
  16. And kudos to you, Nwando, for standing stiffly on the right path. You are priceless; you should be earned, societal factors notwithstanding. Now, let me reproduce this cliché: "One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see reasons why it didn't work out with anybody else". P.S: It could be I. #Winks lol. Have a great weekend my dear.

    ReplyDelete

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