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‘…OF CYNTHIA, CAROLINE, LINDA AND BANANAS’ BY CHARLES NOVIA




Charles Novia does it again! This well written satirical piece which he shared on his site Charles Novia Daily would surely interest you. Enjoy. 



Ol’Boy, there you are! It’s been a long time I saw you in this joint. What’s been happening?’
‘Ah, My Friend! Like the Holy Book says in the Book of Lot, I have been moving up and down the earth but not with any intention to cause harm or mischief but to see beyond the veils’
‘Well , sit down and have a drink. You look harassed like Rotimi Amaechi before a hostile screening committee’
‘I can safely tell you that I am not like him. He’s a power monger, a dreg of a political dysfunction who must be in power to live; at least that’s the way I see him. In a way, his political visibility reminds me much of how our local music and Nollywood acts obnoxiously fall over themselves to be seen as relevant. We have discussed this before, haven’t we? The below par hype, the sometimes stomach- churning instagram pictures of aging pancaked faces or the unintelligible heiroglyphics these celebrities write with; showcasing their stunted grasp of spellings and grammar while hiding under the excuses of such spellings being acceptable as social media language’
‘You have started again with these your Professorial postulations. But I feel you though on the social media hype of the artists, especially the latest one I just read about a few minutes ago about Cynthia Morgan’s stunt with a baby and Caroline Danjuma’s upbraid about it’s vulgarity’
‘Dude, leave the grammar to me please. Don’t spoil my market. As for that which you just mentioned, nothing really amazes me about how shallow we all have become in allowing ourselves to be sucked into the swirling waters of sordidness in which these two bit acts sometimes swim. It’s just like that Skibii fellow, who I am still convinced faked his own death just to trend and ended up popping unpaid champagnes in Harrysong’s hit song. That’s how this Cynthia Morgan stunt with the baby is to me; very distasteful and lacking in decorum. Caroline did have a point though when she reacted that a vibrant child welfare agency in Nigeria should sanction Cynthia over that posture. And Caroline reacted as a mother should; any sane mother who has given birth to kids and who love kids would react that way. It is a milk of natural pain which flows in that reaction; not the milk of a suspicious doped-up riposte which Cynthia gave. You see what I mean when I say these artistes sometimes suck us into their nefarious whims? Because Ccaroline reacted, an uncouth Cynthia immediately found what she was looking for; an avenue to trend and a leeway to lamely explain the obtuse concept behind her smoking a ‘photoshopped’ cigar whilst holding a cigar. Of all the stupid excuses I have heard in this industry over stunts, this one comes second; after Skiibii’s ”
‘But couldn’t one argue that it’s Art? I mean, she might have a point about drawing attention to the plight of the child with that picture’
‘Rubbish! She actually has drawn more attention to puerility of her intellect and art than to any child. Pictures speak a thousand words or more and that picture was horrible, distasteful , improper, rascally, insensitive and the height of a woman’s apathy for the future of a child. That child will grow up in future seeing that cigar as a symbol of his or her existence. It is psychological. That picture alone could make that kid a chain smoker in future; could make many lost youths who call themselves fans of Cynthia delve deeper into the negatives of smoking habits. Cynthia says she does not smoke nor drink alcohol? If she doesn’t smoke, why even hold a cigar to give that impression that you do? And with a child too! That’s not arty; that’s a bit over the bend. That young lady should not be ascribed as anyone’s role model by this act. Oh, I am angry just thinking of that picture and that kid’
‘Ol’Boy, take it easy na! You dey ‘voke’o. Haba! Let me pour you some juice to cool you down’
‘I hope it’s not German Juice!’
‘Hahahaha! You are funny. That was a joke, right?’
‘I’m as straight faced as the soon-to-be employed guards at Linda Ikeji’s new mansion at Banana Island’
‘Jeez! Did you see the pictures? Man, that babe has gone far! She makes me proud. Now, that’s a woman!’
‘She’s got the right juice to inspire the other ladies. Now, don’t start getting ideas about what I infer by the word ‘juice’, when it comes to Linda. By using the word ‘juice’ here in her case, I mean the American street slang from the nineties which means ‘courage’ or ‘guts’. So, in this case, I would say Linda has got the juice. And it’s not German by any standard, just pure Naija Igbo juice. ‘
‘Why do I think you are being funny here? Anyway, Linda has proved that there are no limits to her skies.’
‘Yeah, she’s resourceful too. I have been chuckling at those who suddenly seem to remember that she’s single whenever she displays a new acquisition. Forgive the pun but if she needed a big Banana, she sure went to the island to get one! Way to go’
‘I’m lost here. What does that mean?’
‘Nothing. But I have my reservations though, whilst congratulating her. The Tax Authorities will not spare her next year. By allowing her sister announce the house on Banana Island, the tax people will literally go Bananas and her valued assets will make the government richer next year. Not to talk of the crazy Property Tax on Banana Island properties. I used to live there you know, so I know what the koko is; and I am not talking about that limp koko; if you feel me , Nigga’
‘Hmm. One can never tell with you. Should I order your usual drink?’
‘Yes. A cold bottle of water’

Comments

  1. For every art, there's a meaning... She created one and it's caused public outcry.

    There's nothing like bad publicity in the entertainment industry. Publicity is publicity and Cynthia sure finds a way to get hers. Proud of her hustle any day.

    If charles novia and Caroline are looking for publicity too, Cynthia just helped them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! U don't care but ur standard just dropped in my head.

      Delete
    2. Lol @michie girl.

      Uyi I'm pretty sure you're aware people lose sponsorship deals because of (bad) publicity, so revisit your theory about Publicity.

      Delete
  2. The funny thing is that I did not find that picture offensive. I knew there is a storyline behind it which is probably depicted in a song on her album. It's not like someone took a picture of her somewhere smoking while carrying a child. J

    ReplyDelete

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