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Post-Break Up Relationships...




"The minute we broke up you and him had no business being friends! You had no right or reason to continue talking to him" she yelled at me last night.

Last year when my friend and her boo were in the thick of their relationship, she came to town and spent weeks at his place so that by the time she was leaving he had grown dependent on her. She also felt bad leaving him that way; who would cook for him? Who would clean for him? Who will gist with him? Who will keep him company? 

Well, for the period she was at his place I was there most of the time and he and I became friends, so when she called me days after she left and requested that I drop in on her boo sometimes to keep him company, it wasn't very surprising. She made this request several times and even when I'd tell her I'm going to jog in his estate she would ask me to call him so we could exercise together. I never did, never called him to jog or go visit at home. 

One evening I told her I'd gone there to jog again and she asked if I called him, I said no and I noticed she wasn't pleased. It then occured to me that my refusal to call her boo could actually give her the wrong notions, so I called and went to see him. Long story short, he and I became good friends, this she knew about and approved of. We became quite close that we now had our own friendship whereby we would talk on the phone, he, being a lot older would give me advise, his friends would ask me out and he would tell me which ones I should mind and which I should pay no mind, he even came to my house a few times and met with my nephews... Oh, he also got to talk to my sister as well about a business venture. We would occasionally hang out, or exercise together or just chill. All these my friend knew about and didn't mind; I had my own relationship(s) too and she was also very good friends with my then boyfriend. So it's safe to say we were one happy family!

On his last birthday she wasn't in town and he was having a big party. The burden automatically fell on me to help organize and coordinate, all the while I was on the phone with her, giving her a running commentary. His guests wondered if I was his woman but his close friends knew I was just a friend to his chic who wasn't in town. When I could catch my breath, after all the hard work, I realized that I had no one of my own to talk to. It was a big party so I invited a friend of mine.

Now months later, my friend and her boo have broken up. I sense they've still got strong feelings for each other but for reasons best known to them they broke up. He and I at this point had become good friends, and shutting down our friendship just seemed unrealistic. I actually stopped spending time with him and only saw him on a few occasions, but we remained good friends as he would call me on the phone regularly to check up on me. 

However, I did not know that he and my friend whom I invited for a party and whom he saw with me after the party, had on their own started to have their own talks, and without my knowledge started to spend time together.

Last night my friend calls me and is as mad as fuck! "Why the hell did you take your friend *Tara to *Tayo's house? Why would you do that? You know how I feel about him? He's not even over me yet, he still calls me everyday". I tried to calm her down and explained that it was a birthday party and all sorts of people were there, I didn't think inviting one more person would make a difference. Plus I never imagined that the two of them would... I don't even know, I can be so naive sometimes I swear. 

Well she's freaking upset. She says I should call my friend to order and make sure she puts a complete end to whatever she intends to have with Tayo. And then after ranting and yelling at me, she tells me I have no business whatsoever being friends with her ex, tells me the minute they broke up I should have stopped talking to him, and then asks me to keep my distance from him. 

I sincerely apologized to her and gave her my word, and I will keep it. I'm done being friends with him. However, I cannot promise to do anything about Tayo and Tara. I hate that it was through me they met, considering that the ex is one of my dearest friends, but as I explained to her, they're both adults and there's a limit to what I can do. 


My question is how much say should someone have in their Ex's life and subsequent relationships? Can you still practice sole proprietorship over someone you're no longer in a relationship with? My friendship with her is important so I'll cut him off, but is this demand from her fair and justified, or is she being unreasonable?

Any thoughts on the above scenario?  



Comments

  1. Thelma Thelma! You really give meaning to friendships and i cherish that. But this one ehn! This is way overboard.
    Anyways, like you u wrote, she's more important a friend to lose over an Ex that isn't urs!

    But I think she's being 'unreasonable' to 'demand' that you caution your other friend. Lmao! I'm just wondering how hilarious the awkward moment of cautioning your other friend would be.

    Tell her to calm down jorr! Life isn't that complicated. If he truly loves her, how would come to her. Duh!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You have done the best you could by cutting the guy off for the sake of your friendship. You cannot keep Tara and Tayo away. Inshort if you try it Tara might think you want Tayo to yourself or by trying to pull them apart you just make their relationship stronger. Unless your friend wants to go back to Tayo, she should just move on.
    BTW, I find it a bit weird when friends make certain demands all in the name of friendship. Personally, I can't even tell a friend to cut her friendship with an ex especially when I pushed to form that friendship. I can only ask you never to talk about him around me as I am still trying to get over him. To prevent the scenario above I do not become friends with my friend’s SOs unless we were already friends before they started dating. If you ask me to check up on your BF, i simply say no. J

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  3. I honestly think she has dat sense of sole proprietorship over him cos she still has strong feelings for him, asides that, its simply unreasonable and she'd also understand. Unfortunately the feelings are still there so u won't blame her much.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hmmm, I don't let my friends and boyfriends become friends because of this kind of situations. If you and her boyfriend started dating then I will understand her annoyance but there's nothing you can do about him and Tara, unless you hooked them up with each other which you claim you didn't do. I understand how your friend feels but it's like the guy has moved on so she herself should move on and forget about him.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Another element to this scenerio is Exs that move on but stay in your life. Why is he still calling her and dating other people now? If you break up with someone please move on and stop calling them, it is so annoying

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  6. She let u get close to her man cus she trusts you completely. Don't let her regret it, remove ur self from that situation. My 2 cents

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  7. My opinion: talk to the guy, since you are close to him. Explain whats going on and how your friend feels, and if he's as mature as you paint him to be then he'd understand how she feels and probably take a few steps back from the girl.. plus guys have less drama johr. u confront the girl and you'd definitely be the enemy who wants to put sand in her garri..

    ReplyDelete
  8. Since you met him through her then respect her decision and end the friendship but my opinion would be different if you and him were friends before. You don't have any right to tell Tara not to see him but why did she go behind you back and start spending time with him? Personally I detest people like that.

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  9. I really do not underatand this. How is the man you already broke up with still your man? Plus, what right do you have to dictate who I'm friends with. Fine I met him thru you, the highest you should request is that we not talk about him, not order me to end a good friendship just because... what happens if y'all get back together? I would have lost a friend I didn't have to lose just cos you were throwing a tantrum.

    That your friend takes herself too seriously. If she liked the guy so much, why did she leave him? So because she left the guy he's not allowed to move on? I really dont get these ladies. It hurts, yes, but suck it up and move on! Life is too short to spend yours being a monitoring spirit.

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  10. I feel her sha but the approach is so wrong. She is also wrong to tell you to tell your friend to stop seeing him.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I think that break-up is always good for u! It seems that those people wasn't for u! And u'll be able to find better one! But it's always hard to survive it and I've found the solution https://kovla.com/blog/5-vital-steps-start-dating-breakup/ . After that u'll be able to begin a new life! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete

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