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Dear Thelma...

Hello house, I would like to remain anonymous but I have a little issue and I would appreciate your honest opinions. We're just two girls in my family, my sister and myself. My sister is happily married but she is married to a divorcee, in fact they aren't properly married because they only did the intro and traditional wedding as he is yet to finalize divorce with his ex wife, and that's only because of some technicalities I cannot discuss for privacy sake. But they are happily married and the ex wife has moved on as well and she and her children even accept my sister, so everything is fine there. My problem is that probably because of my age (31) most of the men that approach me are either married or divorced. Right now I am kind of dating someone that really likes me but I'm holding back because he is a divorcee. Personally I have nothing against divorcees but I think my parents or any normal parents will be unhappy for their two daughters to be married to divorcees. When my sister wedded I know some of our relatives in the village made fun of her for marrying a man that's been married before, imagine me now doing the same thing? We will become object of mockery, or don't you agree? But my main concern is my parents and my immediate family. I really care about this guy and I'm ready to settle down but I don't think my parents will be happy if I also marry a divorcee (who has three children, just like my sisters husband). Please tell me what you think, is it a big deal or I have nothing to worry about? Thank you. 


  1. Dear Poster,
    I understand that you're 31 years old. And that probably puts you under some kind of pressure from your parents, family, friends and even yourself.
    Firstly, be sure you've not chosen to "settle" for this divorcee because of the aforementioned.
    Secondly, what exactly are you looking for in a man? Does he check your major boxes? By major, I mean important ones e.g does he fit into my purpose/ is he in line with what I hope to achieve in life, is he God's will for me, am I happy, can I spend the rest of my life with him. Be absolutely sure of the answers you give to these questions cuz they would mean a lot in the long run.
    Thirdly, it is YOUR life and Your marriage. Ultimately, it is your decision to make and not that of your parents, family or friends cuz you're the one who'll live with this man. In the end, you have to put your happiness and peace of mind first above others.

    Now poster, i'm a little concerned about you and your sister being drawn to divorcees. I'm looking at it from a different angle, not the physical. I definitely think it's something to pray about. We talked about "collective captivity" in church last saturday.. and this kinda sounds like it... if you can do more research and find out if any of your aunts or uncles had this... it just might mean something. bottom line, pray about it very well. When I see a family trend.. I become really skeptical and I try to see it in a different light.
    That said.. I have my reservations about marrying divorcees anyway. But that's a story for another day.
    All in all... it's your choice. not ours, your family members or friends. You can only read or listen to what we have to say but it's your choice. Please choose right!

  2. 3 children? Do you want to have any of yours or you're ok with his? I'm sorry but all I see is 3 children, if you give birth to 1 that makes 4! Is he rich? Education is expensive nowadays o especially if you want them to quality and well rounded education, even at kindergarten its no joke. Abi his children are grown and almost out of the house?. Just pray sha because " I care about him" will not pay bills, he should not comman be saying he is tired when its your babies' turn. Again I ask is he RICH? I'm sorry if I sound corny but macmillan is no longer #950 and they don't allow the traditional keeping of textbooks for younger ones, psssh nowadays sef its british curriculum something and textbooks go for like 7k.

    1. I honestly didn't know what to say until I saw your comment which mirrored my thoughts. Kudos Kharis

      "...I really care about this guy and I'm ready to settle down...". People who usually say this before marriage don't go in with kids from someone else who are already sapping savings. Not 1, not 2, but 3 kids. 3. Think about it VERY WELL Poster.

      Another thing I noticed is that you're more concerned about how your parents and "immediate family" (I presume this means more siblings, no?) would feel if you went ahead with the marriage. Well, like Kabuoy implied, it's ultimately your decision, but like Kharis implied, he just has to be RICH if you're talking about settling down. Marriage isn't "settling down", it's "for better for worse".

      May GOD be with you in making your life changing decision. Amen.

  3. You have said a lot.
    1. Do you really love him?
    2. Can he afford to take care of his 3 kids and some? Say you guys have 2 more?
    3. Is he properlt divorced- leave out technicalities - let the ink dry on paper.
    4. Your relatives will not come live with you- their opinions are insignificant
    5. What is your God tellingyou?

  4. Too much baggage... @ poster can u handle it?? An empty head they say is a load to the neck... think abt this seriously and be happy with ur choice.. good luck.

  5. Too much baggage... @ poster can u handle it?? An empty head they say is a load to the neck... think abt this seriously and be happy with ur choice.. good luck.

  6. Dear poster, I really believe you should objectively view the situation. This is Africa, marrying a man with 3 kids isn't going to be a walk in the park, that your sister is "happy" doesn't mean yours will work out same.

    NOTE: dating (courtship) and marriage are two different issues, I can tell you that for free, no matter how saintly you may think the man is or even you. That said.

    I got married @ 30 going on 31, prior to that time, "All" the men seriously asking me out were either divorcees with 2 to 3 kids, rich and preaching endless love, while I never prayed for such, I started considering giving the most viable. Thought (mind you, I wasn't happy with the situation).

    What worked for me: I Prayed like never before, and @ a point single cool guys with no strings started coming. I married the one who gave me peace n a promise of a secure future.

    Not being married @ 31 isn't a death sentence. Your being with this man is probably why the single chaps ain't showing up.

    Honestly,we only live once, do pray sincerely about this. Shun what others are saying nd go to God.

    I advised myself o, even when others were saying consider the divorcees. I'm catholic, you know how we pray now, but babe, I did the MFM's , Redeemed et al. It was my faith and belief that worked worked.

    Your mind seems made up with a decision, but a few weeks of prayers won't hurt.

    Again, while we may have our reasons, marrying a divorcee has some lesson in the bible...

  7. Dear Poster, Please do not put pressure on your self because you are 31, Most times the real reason we want to get married is so we are not left on the shelf. My dear, your sister is not married. As long as your brother-in-law did not get properly divorced. Now to you..............3 children are a lot, you are too young to deal with step children issues, and trust me that there will be issues that will arise. Aim higher, you should not settle for less. Why is your boyfriend divorced?. Why could he not keep to his vows?. Things are not always what they seem. It may be hard, but pls waka and do not look back. The God who knew you before you were born has much better plans for you.


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