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I Do Not Want To Be Her.




Beyond the constant kissing, cuddling and making love, there will be the cooking (which more often than not will be done by you), the cleaning, sex (whether you are in the mood or not), having babies (and being expected to look good irrespective of how many of those have passed through that body of yours) and of course raising those babies, picking up after kids, and their daddy, not to mention setting and maintaining a spiritual athmosphere at home. It also means being submissive to your husband who is the head at ALL times. It means giving up your independence...


As I read these lines from the book Just Us Girls by Mildred Kingsley-Okonkwo, my mouth got dry and I asked myself again, are you really sure you want all of this? The answer, as has been for these past few weeks and months was in the negative. But for the first time in all these weeks and months I suddenly remembered her. Do I want to be like her? 


She was there when I was in primary school. Then, she was the hot chic in the neighbourhood with the hot legs and the sexy clothes. She lived in a cosy apartment and every other evening the men were all lined up at her door, begging for just a bit of her attention. Truly, her beauty was mesmerizing. Little me, I admired her, I wanted to be just like her. She must have been in her late 20s then. 

She was still there when I got into secondary school. Still single but now more of a career woman. Still single, even when I became a senior and she would tell me I'm becoming a beautiful woman. She was still hot and the men were still at her door, although the queue had become noticeably shorter. And, she was quite different. There was a different dimension; she had more money, more jewellery, more cars, more expensive perfumes, more stamps in her passport, more designer clothes, but just a little less sparkle in her eyes.

I got into the university and she was still there. Guess what, she was still HOT! Yeah, she was still single but this time she seemed not to care. Somehow she found other single women in their 40s as well and they all banded and became this group of strong independent women who don't need no men, and it was just as well, as the queue of men at her door had fast thinned out.
      Well, they seemed happy and content to spend time in each others' company, enjoying the thrills of being independent, rich and single in ones 40s, they always seemed to be having a ball... But one after the other they began to get married. And then she found herself, truly alone.

Years into the uni, she was still single. The late 40s were here. But still she managed to smile. She had a shit load of money and no one to spend it on. So it was Italy today, France tomorrow. The expensive clothes became even more expensive and her wardrobe (by wardrobe I mean two rooms in her 3 bedroom flat and an actual wardrobe) couldn't take all that load anymore, plus her tastes had really evolved, or maybe it was just time for a change; she moved to the Island. Still, she came around every week and I noticed she was still gorgeous. But taking a closer look I saw deep lines etched around her eyes, and even though those diamond earrings she wore sparkled, they could do nothing to revive the sparkle in her eyes. The light was nearly dead and gone. 

She was still dear to me when I went to law school and became a lawyer. She was still as stylish as ever, even as 50 arrove. Oh by now there was no queue, no men, nobody. And now, there was no smile. Not even a feigned one. The lines were on the sides of her mouth now too. And her lips had become a set thin line, no amount of MAC or Botox could give it life. She seemed shell-like and everywhere she went, people waved at her happily, but beyond the fake big smiles was something in their eyes; pity.


... I remember the big jeeps that used to line up outside. The handsome men with the rolexes, and I remember them coming no more. Last night while I was very content to lay in my hotel room, enjoying my freedom and independence, I shuddered at the thought of marriage and interdependence. But then I looked further down the road and imagined a life of solitude and a shiver ran down my spine. I was cold all over. And I finally realized, I do not want to be her. 

Comments

  1. Ope o... thank God you don't want to be her. In this life we find most of our best moments have been with loved ones, family and friends, who are genuinely happy for us, now imagine just one single person who has vowed to be yours. There will be moments of disappointment and occasionally feelings akin to hatred, but there will be moments of triumph, moments when both of you will take on the world together, moments when you'll both be invisible to the world. And children come with a whole other load of joy. Life is as simple as we make it. So I'm happy that you don't want to be her. Ain't nobody got time for long lonely nights;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is deep, I felt sad reading it. Really life is all about tomorrow, I am single too but I will like somebody to settle down with. The truth is that life is not all about marriage but it is good to have a companion to share life with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What you wrote. Especially ; it is good to have someone to share life with.

      Delete
  3. Awwww..... today is the deep touch day. hmn... ur write up today ooooh...

    ReplyDelete
  4. You will be fine Thelma, marriage work is worth it when you are with someone worth it.
    Abd you won't end up like that babe...You write beautifully

    ReplyDelete
  5. I realised early in life (and I am glad I did) that sexual gratification should not be the main or singular purpose of seeking a person of the opposite sex. There should be more to it. Believe me, nothing surpasses that companionship and intimacy that can be attained outside the purview of sex. I maintain, the primary purpose of marriage is companionship. Every other thing is 'jare'; offsprings inclusive. That is why when the children are all grown and gone to be on their own, the couple go back to the original plan- alone by themselves; in each other's company. Nwando Nwanne m, your companion is nigh here. Just tarry a little more. #Hug

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. like button plsssssss

      Delete
  6. Deep indeed!
    Can't help but wonder if there are men out there who feel d same way, @least sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This came from the deepest part of your heart.. There's a time for everything under the heavens..




    Www.trendwithgloria.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Someday you'll write, narrating how tough it was waiting, telling us how you decided not to want it anymore, not to care, "not to not" listen to your biological clock ticking at some 250khz, how you went through the torment, battle, how you thought you had lost the fight, how you suddenly got hope and decided to hope against hope, how encouraging verses from the bible suddenly turned sour and even your own write ups couldn't not even motivate you and Suddenly! It happened, you didn't want to believe it was for real, you pinched yourself a thousand times over but it happened and you didn't have to stoop low or let go of your picture of how it should be, it just happened because of a whole lot of reasons but majorly because of your faith. Someday you'll write about it. Hold on, its always darkest before dawn. Our God is able.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A billion likes for this your comment.

      Delete
  9. You can't have your cake and eat it all. Different lifestyles have different outcomes or rewards. Just make sure your decsions sit well with your conscience when you make them. I have aunts that never married or have kids and they are just fine with their decision - maybe because hey arent Nigerians. Marriage is sweet for some, bitter for others, a mixed bag for most- so is singledom.

    www.pynk360.com

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. When you think about all you have to do in marriage like you have mentioned above,you make marriage sound scary, at some point in that woman's life I'm sure there was someone she over looked. I'm glad you don't want to be her cos most times when you write Thelma about the flaws of some of the men you come accross or the excuses to justify your singleness,I wonder if you ever want a patner atall.

    ReplyDelete

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