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Love; Yes. Marriage; Yes. Baby Carriage; NO!


My friend *Tonye dreaded getting married to her boo. Not because she didn't want to marry him, but because of what might come after. Some 4 years before she got married she confided in me that she didn't want kids. And now seven years after her marriage ended, she still insists she does not want kids. I always thought it rather unnatural. 

However after reading an article by Mnena on Bella Naija, I find that there are many other women like Tonye, who have nothing against children but just don't desire to have any of theirs. We're made to believe that as women, nurture comes naturally for and to us. However this is not necessarily true. Several comments on that post echoed the poster's sentiments, voices of women who do not want children, but this particular comment stood out. 


Meanwhile, my mom didn’t want kids. She told us she had us due to the fact that it was expected of her….and she had 6 of us cos my dad wanted a large family. She made him promise to take care of us , which he did….it was so serious that I have no early childhood memories of my mom….he did everything, picked us from school, made sure we were fed by the maids….I hung out with him at work, I barely interacted with my mom…..well, that was till my dad passed. She was stuck with 6 children she didn’t want….she had my grandma move to come care for us….if you as much had a headache, you got shipped off to grandma’s place.

You can imagine the horror called my childhood!When she was in the house, she didn’t want to hear a word….or movement. It was like she didn’t want anyone else in the house. She threatened to leave us….she still does (we don’t live together o!) 😂😂. She has never complained about being alone since we all left the house. This past summer my mom still called to rant about my brother being disrespectful and as usual, as in the last 27years, she ended the rant with how WE ALL ruined her life. She says for don gbeja if not for the fact that she’s a christian….and the list goes on.
Someone like her should have never had kids in my opinion! She is caring to friends and family….but I think us kids just rub her off the wrong way. And I don’t blame her.

Summary is that ‘unconventional’ women have existed since time immemorial…folks are just speaking out. The fact that you have ovaries doesn’t mean you have to use them….and the fact that you used them doesn’t make special or better still a hero…lol.

For me? I only want a child for vanity purposes…to see what I can produce…you know, I’m just really curious what my offspring will look and be like! Shikena. My friends say I’m stupid though 😂😂
If I ever make it rich….I’ll adopt/foster kids. That’s what I’ve always wanted since I was younger :)

...My parents were unhappy. Things were peachy and my dad loved his daddy duties. They had a game plan and everyone played their part. The only thing they didn’t factor in was death!

I remember having night terrors at 5 and my dad coming to get me from my room…my mom just ganpa on the bed looking at me like were did you come from 😂 (one of the few memories I have of her). My dad didn’t even flinch or complain about having to get me every other night for almost 2years.

I love my mom. She worked her ass off to give us the financial quality of life my dad had planned. Now I realize she deals with me better if I relate to her as a friend. She’s a great friend. Lol.


Thoughts? What do you think about women who don't want children? Are such women are an anomaly or purely normal? Do you want children?


I strongly admire women who refuse to be bullied by society into conforming with set norms and standards that deviate from their natural inclinations. That said, I do want to have kids, it's one of my greatest desires. 

Comments

  1. No kids ke, I love kids like kilode. Anyway, I have always believed that there are exceptions to every rule. But then, no child, not even one. MBA, maybe they need deliverance. Lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. All I can say is there are different closets for different people...

    ReplyDelete
  3. one not having kid is just fine.. use your ovaries however you wish..i know nigeria has a subtle (?) rule where one must marry and have kids. not every woman (and man) wants to go through that path and that should be just fine...
    My childhood was not the best which makes me think about not getting married or even wanting kids sometimes because I have so much to do career wise.. I won't enter any marital agreement without being satisfied/somehow accomplished career wise..if husband no come... I think Il be just fine . maybe my views will change as I get older.. (only 24yrs old)..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sometimes I always think why must we get married,i c marriage for we ladies like a slavetrade,dont really like marriage tho,buh I tink I love kids

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too, it's just that in nigeria a woman must get married. I want children although not too keen on marriage.

      Delete
  5. I love kids and want to have kids too, but I'm honestly scared/ worried/ anxious about my looks after having them. So much so that after I see a friend who's pregnant moving with big belly or one who has recently given birth, the tummy size motivates, read frightens me to put in efforts at abdominal / core exercises especially...since I do well with weight.

    But then again when I think of the joys, especially after being with kids I enjoy being with, I say to myself, "any bodily change will be totally, gratefully worth it!" :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should be an aunt by this time next year abi?

      Delete
  6. I like how the poster wrote the comment to be light and funny but that is a very serious issue. I'm not saying there's something wrong with women who don't want children but a woman who did not build any kind of bond for even one out of six children may have a mental condition, it just doesn't sound normal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. who defines what normal is?
      Religion, culture or tradition?

      Delete
  7. I wanted loads of kids till I had one, now I am content with two or three...I had a flatmate who would say, I don't want kids, I just want dogs, she is not Nigerian, I felt she was so selfish and I was upset but I later got to understand that it takes a special grace to bring up a child, it is not easy. well, I dont see them as crazy , they just know what they may not be able to handle but I always told my friend, what if your parents decided not to have you?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I don't think it's abnormal, we were all created differently and I will say that's her own opinion and decision about kids,but like the anon above said, I don't think she is normal not to have bonded with at least one,comes across to me like a sadist. Me I dread the pain of childbirth because I have witnessed countless deliveries, and each time I wonder if I can go through this and also take care of them but Still I want to have kids, being called mama or mummy so n so brings that respect and pride than being called sister sososo because u don't have a child that can be used to call u.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Let these women discover they are incapable for one reason or the other of having kids, then watch them move heaven n earth to make it happen.

    Most people dismiss children cos they feel they can have them but tell them they can't or are unable to and watch how the cookie crumbles

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very true ! If u find out u are unable to have kids that's when u know if U want them or not

      Delete
  10. WOW!!!! Sm1 said they relate well as friends and I coudnt help but imagine how fun (or) not that could be. Neva heard that b4!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Just as marriage isn't for everyone, so is child bearing. Honestly, after experiencing child birth (both ways-normal and CS), I can conclusively say that I don't blame any woman who doesn't wanna have kids.

    I used to think not having kids is/was a selfish thing, but my opinion has long changed.

    If there is a next life and things are as they are, I most likely (very strongly) won't be married. Of course I'd have a kid -could be adopted (children are just amazing, sometimes I hug my kids so tight till they scream for air) lol.

    Marriage takes a lot (too much) from the woman, and our society doesn't even help @ all.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Could this be one of the causes of postpartum depression? I always used to wonder why some seemingly cheerful and happy-go-lucky women have babies and all of a sudden become monsters. You hardly ever see them smile, they are either looking sad, tired or angry and have become very bitter.
    In my opinion in childbirth is going to turn you into a grouch then I think you should not have children.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. could very well be.
      food for though!

      Delete
  13. I'll never understand why people believe people with opinions that differ from the norm are 'abnormal' or may require deliverance. Do people's self awareness bother you so much? Does their living their life on their own terms affect the success or otherwise of yours. The most illogical argument I have heard is well, someone gave birth to you. Well, duh, like I had a choice in the matter. Let everyone live their truths. You want to marry? Do you. You want kids? Do you and stop casting aspersions on other people's choices.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm scared of carrying another human being for 9months and then push him/her out. Marriage and love I want but pregnancy and birthing is the part I haven't accepted yet. But I'm open to surrogacy though.

    ReplyDelete
  15. On some days I am I either for or against these line of thoughts. Sometimes the responsibility just seem too huge t handle.


    In fact I don't know again sef....

    ReplyDelete

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