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5 Reasons Your Friend Ditched You After She Got Married.





"I just can't give you attention anymore Nwando, I've got so much on my plate! I've got the kids, I've got my businesses, I've got christmas preparations, I've got my husband's siblings coming to town with their families..." Her voice trailed off, at this point I should have gotten the message, and I had. 

"Oh please, do not insult me! I know you've got a lot on your plate. And I never did ask for attention. But, you were my best friend and there were times I needed you. Still, I understood  that with everything you had going on you couldn't be there". 

This was from a conversation I had with a friend yesterday morning. We hadn't spoken in a while for various reasons but yesterday we needed to talk about something and somewhere in between we inadvertently began to talk about why our friendship is no longer what it used to be. 

I wasn't surprised to hear her express the same sentiments many ladies did last week on Bella Naija, in a post about how married females shun their single friends once the wedding is over. 

Now here are my thoughts, based on personal experiences and observations. It is true that some great friendships die an almost sudden death after the wedding, but contrary to what some single ladies would say, it's not always the married one's fault. This list is not exhaustive but I think these are the most common factors.

1. Dynamics change. And this is most likely why you ladies stopped being friends. Being married is wayyy different from being single. Take my friend above for instance. Now she's got a husband, pregnancy, babies, rent, school runs, in laws, cooking, a job(!), among other things to worry about. You on the other hand are still worrying about going on dates, the next vacation location, that boss at the office, those f*ck-me shoes, weekend plans... You soon find that you're just not operating on the same frequency anymore, you begin to have fewer and fewer things to talk about. Also because of her new life, your married friend is going to have less time, especially to talk about things that are now considered trivial to her. You, still being single are going to have zero or little interest in talking about ante-natal, diaper rashes, colicky babies or annoying mothers in law. Ergo, you both begin to drift in opposite directions. 

2. Married friend suddenly feels superior. Funny but contrary to what some young single women think, I find that this is seldom the truth. Yet, some ladies do view marriage as a badge of honour; an initiation into an exclusive club, and if you've not attained this rite then you're no longer worthy of association. 

3. Single Friends don't want to hang out anymore. Aha! Now you may not know but this is quite often the case. The single friends stop involving the married one in their social plans. It's never anything personal, they sometimes just think that she wouldn't be available/interested/allowed to participate. 

4. External Factors (Hubby). I used to think this only happened in Nollywood movies, but I must've forgotten that art imitates life. But the truth is some husbands seem to think that single friends could _______________ their wives. (Please fill in the gap because I don't know what they think the single friends would make their wives do). 

5. External Factors (Family). This is very African. The married friend's family think you should stop being friends. Probably because
-They see you as a bad influence. 
-They think you're no longer on the same level with her and she should start spending more time with people on her level. 
-They're worried you're jealous of her and might try to sabotage her marriage, either by ill-advising her or making moves on her husband etc. 


Now these are 5 reasons I think married and single friends part ways after the wedding. Some friendships are fortunate enough to withstand any change in status or circumstances. Unfortunately some aren't. 

Have you ever been on any side of this fence? Do you agree or disagree? Ever lost a friend because you got married, or because she got married? Does this also apply to the men folk, I'm really curious?
Please share your thoughts. 

Comments

  1. I'm on the single friend side of this fence and it hurts like hell! I was so excited when my friend got married and although I had heard that married ladies discard their single friends after marriage, I was positive it wouldn't happen to us but alas. She got pregnant, I noticed and asked about it and she lied to my face. I found out when she put to bed, on BBM like everyone else. I was so hurt..

    And, I don't agree with your first point. The kids don't start coming until at least 9 months after the marriage sometimes longer sef and the only thing that changes is that there's a husband and inlaws. We still have the same jobs, same history, same memories, encounter the same traffic, etc. The fact that I'm single doesn't mean I'm brainless so we can still have intelligent conversations about marriage, the economy, work, movies, traffic, etc

    And as for the husband and family, if I didn't corrupt and influence her all these years that we stayed as friends, how am I going to corrupt her now? I think this corruption point is an insult on the lady hersalf cos they're implyimg that she doesn't have a mind of her own and kow-tows to her friends' leading all the time.

    The thing is, if your friend and friendship is important to you, you will make it work no matter what. It might take extra effort on ur part but that's what friends do. Its not convinient to have someone in your life all the time but if they're important to you, you'll make room.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What sunshine said. I have never been on any side of the fence. I however noticed that in friendship generally when one of the parties take up an additional responsibility not there before it takes a toll on the friendship. Like sunshine said, it actually takes serious hard work for the friendship to work.

      Delete
  2. Well, my 2best friends are married and I don't get those 'am married' now treatments honestly.
    Initially we wanted to drift and I was very angry that I gave them a piece of my mind and even deleted one off my social media stuffs. She later begged that I shld have been patient with her because she was so overwhelmed with the whole marriage thing but now she is fine and trust me she really is fine and 3 of us are very very cool that sometimes I don't even remember they re married!
    We still talk at length at anytime and about anything!
    One of them recently got me some nice stuffs she got but hubby thinks she is now 2 fat to wear them,lol, babe begin para because on a normal day, na to rock dem wella!
    In a nutshell, its good to be a lil bit patient with them as they too might be going through a lot. (Some sef fit just purposely "park")!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was discussing this same issue with my elder sister yesterday. She was friends with one of my female cousins, their friendship was known to all, they share secrets, do everything together et al but when this cousin got married, she simply drifted away from her and us. Their calls now last 1-2minutes and sometimes less. But the surprising thing is that this cousin's elder sister is married too but she's not like that, she still the same, you won't even know she's married. Even though she and my sister weren't as close as she was with the other cousin.

    So I think it's a personality thing, that no.2 is what most of them feel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't agree that most of them feel superior, even if that's how our Nigerian society expects them to operate, cos pastor will tell you avoid single friends, some folks will say the same, etc.

      It boils down to the individuals involved and how deep this friendship means/meant to them, while I'm all for evaluating your friendship and priorities as one evolves, there are just some people you can't afford to treat anyhow, when you gat so much history.

      Delete
  4. I think there are different levels of friendship, if your bff in question isn't creating the time, then it's certainly not fair, unless she is intentionally just avoiding being or retaining the "bff-ism"

    However, speaking for myself as a married chic, I still have my single friends, just recently all of them are now married and we have all drifted apart, now I'm trying to make new friends, but I can tell you that it's difficult creating time for myself, how much more socializing.

    It's so bad that I can barely squeeze out time to visit the salon, unless you have a very reliable someborri watching your kids @ home, one can barely do the things they used to do. So the -ish is to improvise.(chats, calls, lunch break hangouts, etc).

    Being a mum is hard, being married kwa, it's harder. If you don't take time, you'd realize you are just getting old,despite your best effort. Right now, I just need sleep, cos that's one xmas gift I look forward to. Sleeeeeeeepppppp!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm its amazing how simple things like going to the salon are not so simple anymore when you have kids. and you kiss uninterrupted sleep goodbye forever.

      Delete
  5. All of the above plus the fact your hubby becomes your bff and tatafo partner. All that gist you usually download to your bff somehow now goes to hubby. I don't think it's the marriage factor per se,when you start having different experiences in life friendship gradually dies.eg two friends that gained admission to study medicine and business admin respectively, their friendship becomes weak because a medical student's life is different from that of a business student. A married woman's life is different from that of a single woman.

    ReplyDelete
  6. All of the above plus the fact your hubby becomes your bff and tatafo partner. All that gist you usually download to your bff somehow now. goes to hubby. I don't think it's the marriage factor per se,when you start having different experiences in life friendship gradually dies.eg two friends that gained admission to study medicine and business admin respectively, their friendship becomes weak because a medical student's life is different from that of a business student. A married woman's life is different from that of a single woman.j

    ReplyDelete
  7. I believe there are different levels of friendship and friendship does take sacrifice, inconveniencing on both sides!
    Being married is a new phase for everyone, you might loose touch with things/people just because you are trying to get used to your marriage.
    I have seen people loose good friends because of this so i always had it in my head not to lose good friends just because i got married or had babies!
    So when i got married,i kept my friends, but efforts were made on both sides! When i got pregnant,we still remained friends,even after baby,we are still friends!
    Point is, both party should be able to make effort and sacrifice!
    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
  8. As you guys already said, friendship takes hard work. Both parties have to be willing to get it in if the friendship is that important to them. Let's leave marriage for a minute, and talk about life in general. Imagine yourself growing mentally and wanting something different from life, you crave new experiences and want to break into new circles because you need to evolve. You can't just stay the same.
    As you grow your interests are lifestyle oriented but as you grow older you become more serious about life and notice that your interests shift drastically. When you show these interests to your friends and discover that their own interests have not evolved this creates a separation between you. They might feel abandoned as if you somehow feel superior to them. The truth is that you feel as alone and as abandoned as they do but no matter how you try to reconnect you simply cannot. This is where you start looking for new friends whose interests align with yours.
    It's like trying to start a new business and you're seeking advise and mentorship. You have a close friend that only talks about partying, and boys and things that don't matter to you anymore. And even when you try to talk about something more serious they say that you're killing their vibe, naturally you'll start to drift apart. These days when I call my married friends I try to ask them about things regarding marriage, kids and business. They in turn try to ask me about single life, girls(because they miss it, lol) and business. That way we always have something to talk about.
    How important is that friendship to you guys? Only you can answer that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "...when I call my married friends I try to ask them about things regarding marriage, kids and business. They in turn try to ask me about single life, girls...and business. That way we always have something to talk about...".

      In summary, guys generally don't have these segregation problems. Married or Single, na the same amount of bear all of us go down at the same time and the same place. I will NEVER understand why this will forever be an issue with ladies.

      Delete
    2. Lmao @ na the same amount of beer... Beer doesn't recognize married or single. Lol

      Delete
  9. Some men are so domineering. Some would want you to cut off with every friend you had before you got married to them. They will go as far as breaking your phone and sim card a day after your wedding and replacing it with new once just to cut you entirely off from friends.

    Why on earth will a married woman feel superior over a single friend. When you are married. You have opened your sealed package from God.(its either good or bad) As a single lady,your package is still intact. Who says it will not be better than your friends own.

    Take it from me, some women feel very inferior after marriage. They would have boasted on how their husband would look like. How rich and caring he will be. When they finally get married to a man contrary to their boast or wishes, they tend to hide from their friends to cover shame.

    Some are going through alot of physical and emotional trauma in marriage. They don't want their friends to know about it hence they tend to distance themselves from you.

    I pray for every single person. May you marry your own partner, Who will give you so much peace and joy that you do not have to run from your friends.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I've been the single friend that complained and now as the married friend. I have come to realize that it's all about the mind set and your attitude towards friends after the ceremony.
    As a single girl, a friend responded to my greeting at a function like she were my aunt barely 5 weeks after her wedding, where I was one of her bridesmaid and I felt really bad. I distanced myself from her and responded to her greetings equally afterwards.
    It hasn't been a month since my wedding and I am very cool with my friends. One or two of them have even responded to my bbm saying ''I say make I give you space now ni as levels don change''. So, it depends on the said friends' mind set. While some other group of friends, called me up for another friend's birthday diner over the weekend and they understood perfectly well when I had to excuse myself before the end of the night,- as they were going clubbing after diner. Cos I had to go home to hubby and prepare diner. They even brought my cake yesterday.
    I wouldn't want them to feel any less of an achiever like that friend made me feel, they are my friends and they will always be my friends.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Amen o!!!

    Please I don't understand the single lady sealed package bit. What package are you referring to exactly?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I concur with the writer, where she said that the start feeling superior, that's so true.I had a friend that we were close and always talked about guys and relationships together, when she got married she started acting like she has arrived.she started making insulting utterances like when will you even get married, is it when you are 50.people tend to feel better than others whenever a little luck smile their way.

    ReplyDelete

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