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Dear Thelma, (Gang-Raped and About To Wed).




Hello Thelma, a few weeks back a colleague of mine was abducted and raped by a gang of Devils. We have already run a rape kit process for her and started her on ART and counseling. The problem is that she is supposed to be getting married in a couple of weeks, plans are already underway and everything is almost set. She reached out to me for advise but I did not know how to advise her because this is am extremely sensitive matter. I don't know if it's wise to tell him or to keep it to herself. I know she loves him dearly and has been looking forward to the marriage and vice versa but I cannot predict how he will react to what happened. My question is should she or should she not? If you're the fiancée would you want to know or not? Before the wedding? Would you go on with the wedding as planned or not? Should you even go on with the wedding? Would you still marry her or not? Please I need very honest realistic answers. Thank you all. 

Comments

  1. I think she should tell him,she wouldn't want to start her home or build her home on secrets, he has every right to know,infact after her family members,he should have been the next she informs when it happened, if he truly loves her,he would help her pull through and also go ahead with the marriage, its rape,not like she slept with someone else willingly, so plsss tell your friend not to start building her home on lies and secrets, her soon to be husband deserves to know.

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    Replies
    1. I agree with MAYBEL, it's better she tells him.

      Delete
  2. They are getting married, so I suppose they are in love if I am correct. I don't know the mans way of reasoning and reaction to life issues, but I would advice she tells him the truth. I also think he would feel bad she waited for some time before speaking out, but the Truth must be told especially since it is recent.

    Ordinarily if the rape happened in her far past before they met I would say seal your lips, but I am afraid this is too close for comfort. However if the Bride to be is able to predict her fiancé countenance (negative) and she is 100% sure he would never know, then she can seal her lips. But again how sure can she be? Life is deep oooh.

    Best counsel from me : pray and ask God for wisdom to speak wisely, I mean what right words can her mouth utter if JEHOVAH is not with her?
    Then ask for a private meeting with him, tell him the truth and let the counsel of God stand in the union.

    This is just to avoid secret of the past hunting the future. my thoughts are with the lady at the point in her life.
    Warmest Regards.

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  3. First, let me express my sympathies to your friend on the unfortunate event. I hope she gets justice and her assailants suffer the consequence of their notorious actions.

    To your questions, If I were her fiancee, I'd want to know immediately it happens, but then I'm not her fiancee. Still, I think it's wise for her to tell her fiancee as holding it from him any longer or telling him after the wedding would reek of conspiracy rather than the unfortunate event it was.

    She needs to understand that she is more than a rape victim, she is still, and very deserving of a beautiful wedding and a blissful marriage. The issue of highest priority here is her emotional and psychological well-being, hence counselling is paramount here. It'd be best if that counselling could come from her loved ones and if possible, her fiance. It'd help bond their proposed union.

    However, let me caution that she should be circumspect with telling her fiance. She knows him and understands him and thus knows how best to divulge the information to him. The expected initial reaction of any average guy might not be what she needs the most, but let's hope that with time he'd come around.

    It appears in some ways she blames herself for the occurrence but she has to understand that it has happened and that she is getting married to someone she's going to be trusting with her sleeping moments, waking moments, dreams, aspirations, fears, triumphs, challenges, life, goals, children, life and her entirety. If he cannot be there for her when she was raped, then maybe the proposed union wasn't made to be.....

    And yes, this is my honest realistic answer.

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  4. This really hurts. I agree, she needs to speak up. The truth will hurt even more when the guy finds out later.

    This really hurts. May God touch her with his love.

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  5. there is no answer that ll be confirmed except one experiences it

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  6. I pray God heals your friend, physiaclly, mentally and emotionally cos the trauma of a gang rape is best left unimagined much less experienced. I pray God helps her through this rough patch and brings her out better and stronger.

    I agree with Maybel and Chrisyinks. She really doesn't want to build her new home on secrets and/or lies and if her fiance cannot show up for her now and handle this situation, then maybe the aren't meant to be. But, she really needs to tell him.

    #MyTwoCents

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  7. Well, if you don't know how your fiancé would react, then you guys are not close enough to be married couples. But this is Africa where strangers marry each other and 'learn on the job'.

    Go tell him and if he isn't supportive and empathetic enough to your own predicament, then he as well isn't ready for marriage.

    All things being equal, should you even be scared of what he would do to/about you when u are raped, other than being supportive?

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    Replies
    1. Uyi your last paragraph is makes a lot of sense, if you guys are about to get married you should know each other to an extent and not fear his reaction. If he reacts negatively then he isn't supposed to be your husband.

      My honest sympathy, I can't even start to imagine what you're going through

      Delete
  8. I empathize with your friend. Rape is a violation of the right of choice and even God gives that to us. Speaking as a rape victim, I must say that it is best she does not tell her fiancée. I am married and i do have a good marriage, but i must confess that, knowing my husband, if i tell him i have been raped......he will never have sex with me again. Its not like he won't want to, but he won't be able to, because the thought will never leave his head. Most Nigerian Men are like this. So i kept shut, bore the pain and poured my heart out to my God and my Doctor. I have never told my mum, because he was a family friend. Please tell your friend, to confide in her mum, if her mother is the type of mum you can confide in, or her Priest, if she is Catholic, Or a Doctor. Her fiancée will not be able to get it out of his mind and she does not need that kind of pressure. Nigerian marriages are all about keeping shut. On a lighter note, the family friend that raped me, got a bad coin in this life. Life has not been good to him, so take heart, they will get what is coming to them.

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    Replies
    1. One of the best news I've read from a rape victim. Karma deserves a toast. May GOD bless you and your family dear Anon.

      Dear Poster, I understand your friend's worries, but I think this advice from Anon 1:19 pm is what you should take. Like Momoh implied, no advice would be good enough unless from someone who's been right at the spot. Apart from knowing/assuming her fiance loves her, everyone has a deal breaker, so some things are better left in the dark. Let her continue her therapy sessions without her fiancé's knowledge. She's in our prayers, and she'll be just fine. Stay blessed.

      Delete
    2. I'm sorry about what happened to you and the fact that you felt you couldnt tell anyone but your doctor about it but this ptactice of keeping mum is what we are trying to kill right now.

      Rapists should be called out, openly disgraced and punished not protected by silence and, the fact that your rapist got a bad coin in his life is probably just coincidence cos lots of rapists have gone on to lead good lives with the universe just lining everything up for them. So, no, rapists should be prosecuted especially if you can identify them.

      And please, its unhealthy to not talk about it.

      Delete
    3. Dearest Sunshine, I am aware that keeping mum is a practice that everyone is trying to fight against, but I must let you know that it is extremely difficult to come out and report a rape incidence. Nigerians will look at you like you have been soiled, People will relish the story and you will feel judged.I do applaude the brave women who have come out, because I did not have that courage. You also have to realise that rape is very hard to prove in Nigeria, after a rape incidence, the victim is supposed to go a government hospital, and then samples are taken, then you go to the police station to report it. You are then made to write a statement. Now depending on the power of your pocket, the police will arrest the alledged culprit, then God help you, if his family has money, even the police will start begging you to drop the matter. DNA is very expensive, so you can't even prove that the samples taken is a match to the accused. My dear, by the time, you have gone to the police station like ten times, you are worn out and you want the matter dropped. That is the reality of the Nigerian Rape Victim. I am a legal practitioner so i do have a first hand knowledge. Until there is a laid down protocol on rape matters, the only kind of justice we can get is God's judgement. I must also say that the circumstance of the rape also matters, did she see the rapists, if it was gang, was she kidnapped, and raped in turns,are the culprits known to her?. Sad to say but there are instances where if she did not know the culprits and justice will be impossible to get, then she should not report it. I did not also say, that you should not talk about it, You have to tell someone, but it is best if you told someone you do not really have a personal relationship with.

      Delete
    4. So anon, basically, YOU ARE JUST A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES (?)

      Delete
  9. You need a therapist. A professional, to aid your psychological recovery. Try Chiadi Ndu of bththerapy.com

    I am sorry. But none of us can tell you what to do. Keeping a secret is for the strong willed. Staying with a partner who was raped, is something Nigerian men can't do. That's why I believe you need a therapist. My problem with faith based therapy is that you will be made to feel guilty. That you brought it on yourself.

    That is the reason rapes aren't reported. We cover the physical wounds and carry on living. If you can't afford therapy, get on the Internet and read. Believe in yourself. You are not worthless. Please this wasn't your fault.

    Mallama

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  10. I feel she should open up even though it's hard. Good to start marriage on a foundation of truth.

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  11. ...And that's how we all encourage Rape in the society...by keeping shut. when you can't even tell your partner about your ordeal. we need to encourage the victims to come out, that's the very first step in curbing this heinous act.

    Babe... I'm lost for words for the advise to give to your friend, however, keeping this kind of thing in mind would neither help her, nor her man. I believe at this stage of her relationship, there's nothing she should hide from her husband-to-be, especially an event as devastating as this. He is to be her most potent drug and quickest road to recovery. Any responsible man can only react by showing more love, and affection.

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  12. Well, I believe in Karma. But I know what I'll do if I am raped especially if I do know the culprits. I'll simply get him/them beaten to stupor (you know this is very achievable depending on your pocket size) and carve these words onto his/their chests- I RAPED A GIRL AND SHE DID THIS TO ME- very boldly. I'm sure this will give me closure, save me the embarrassment and stress of trying to get justice in a lawless and gender-biased world.

    #mytwocents.

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  13. Its sad what happened but the truth of the matter is a man would forgive a woman for cheating on him but with rape there is a repugnance that destroys.....a man finds it hard to deal with that issue and it normally ends up with the two party's going separate ways.....its hard for a man to accept rape...its easier to accept infedility...eish , I feel for her but the man will have to be super loving

    ReplyDelete

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