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Dear Thelma... (Should We Have "The Talk"?)




I went to a lounge that was turned into a club for Woman Crush Wednesday on the 28th of October. I went to the club with a friend who wanted her ex to see her looking hot and good. (So she looked hot in very skimpy clothes). 
At the club, I saw a "beard gang"man sitting opposite us (I'm into beards). I mentioned him to my friend a few times(sowed the seed into her head). And she asked me to approach him. I was reluctant so she offered to talk to him for me and I pretended to be shy. My friend went ahead to talk to him. And he came to me when I was alone. He introduced himself and we exchanged contact he offered  and paid for our drinks. After a while, I stepped  out for fresh air and I saw him outside. He called me and  we talked for awhile. 
He visited me at home on Sunday. (I live alone). We talked like we've known each other for so long. Then he told me he is 36 (I'm 24) from the North and a Muslim #NotStaunch  (We are Ghanaians). But lives in New York and has never been married. He came down for his brother's wedding. To be honest I was disappointed because I'm a Christian, though I have very close Muslim friends, I've always said I wouldn't want be with a muslim. 
So he said if I'm free the next day, I should pay him a visit at home  (his parents house). I said okay, but I didn't even call him the whole day. He called in the evening and I said I'm tired and will call him later. 
We went on a date that weekend and before the date, we went to his house, he wanted to introduce me to his elder sister who he said could  help with a project I'm working. We missed his sister but we met his friend and he introduced me to him as his friend so his friend was hitting on me.
He later apologized for himself and his friend. 
When he brought me back home, he kissed me and I responded. (The kiss was goood). And he left. 
We spoke for 2 more days and then I wasn't hearing from him again. I stopped calling and texting after 3 days of trying to reach him. 

Two weeks later he called me from the US and apologized. He said he would be back for Christmas and hopes to see me. And said I could call him anytime. And that I shouldn't be a stranger that HE IS TERRIBLE AT CALLING AND TEXTING but he will try so IF THIS IS GOING TO WORK, I WOULD HAVE TO HELP IN THAT REGARD. He said if I needed him to call, I should send a text. 
Now we've been  in touch mostly through whatsapp. But I'm always the one initiating the chat or call. (We are in touch almost everyday). So some days, I decide not to call or text. Then he gets in touch. 
He says I should plan fun activities for us when he comes. I told my friend  ( the one at the club) that we are in touch and he is coming down for Christmas. And also moving back to Ghana next year. Now my friend feels I owe her. And is insisting on going to concerts and partying with  us. Saying she will be our "parasite". 
He has also invited me to his family's annual New year party and his sister's birthday party. 

Now I want to know what we are. Do I just wait to find out or what. I'm really liking him. (He is a good conversationalist) 
He patiently listens to me and contributes. (I'm a talkative). 
He compliments me. 
I'm thinking of asking him when he comes down. Because I don't think this is a conversation to have over the phone or Skype. 
How do I ask him about our status without sounding desperate. (I don't mind his age). 
And should I be worried about my friend? He is coming down on Monday. And my friend says she is moving in with me on Friday for Christmas and new year. (She lives alone too).




***

Have you confirmed that this friend of yours is not married? If you have, beyond every uncertainty then I think it's well within your rights to have the "What are we?" talk and I suggest you do that when he gets into town before you both begin the festivities (and you get carried away). Of course as you must know, defining things does not guarantee much, except maybe that in the event of infidelity or neglect you actually have a right to demand explanations/apology and get upset/sad/mad. Still, it's best to ask in order to know if you're both on the same page and know the expectations each person has. 

There's no special way to have 'the talk', what's important is that you're direct (send your message across) yet subtle (without being pushy or desperate); In my head I'm asking; "what do you want with me? Am I someone you want to get serious with or some chic you intend to have fun with when you're in town? Is this the start of a relationship or a holiday fling?" Maybe not in these words but you get my drift.  

The question is what do you want. Let's assume you both want a relationship, are you ready for a long distance relationship? (Please do not hold your breath about him moving back to Ghana next year). Is the religion no longer an issue for you? If yes, why? 

With regards to your friend, YES you should be worried about her. NO, I'm not saying she's a bad person or she has any ulterior motives. But to avoid stories that touch it's always best we keep our friends and our men apart. Sure, include her in a few of your plans but she needs to understand that you and this guy need your space seeing as he's only around for a limited time. She needs to not be a parasite and make her own plans. I also need to add that you don't have to tell your friend(s) everything. Had you not told her she wouldn't be insisting on being your handbag. With regards to our relationships; the less our friends know, the better. 

Lastly with respect to the guy, I'd advise you to manage your expectations. Good luck!


Guys, the poster would love to hear your thoughts. 

Comments

  1. Thelma! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. A friend of mine is/was iin something similar and I will tell you what I told her - Go with the flow (for now)
    He's 36 and clearly not a kid. If he wants things defined, he wldn't need the talk to do it.
    This is the holidays, enjoy the fun that's to come in it. Don't ruin it with trying to figure out what u two have. For now,u have someone who wants to spend the holidays with u. Enjoy every moment that's to come...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And then after Xmas what next? Nigerians act as if Xmas is the end of the world, no wonder most of you are always broke in the new year. Personally it sounds to me like he's married so girl you better ask those questions.

      Delete
    2. Lol,anon u dey vex ohhhh.

      Delete
  3. Please do not go with the flow unless you're fine with being a holiday fling. Even if a man is 50 be very clear about what you want. As thelma said there are no guarantees but let him know what's on your mind. If he tells you that he does not want a relationship then it's left for you to decide if you're ok with a holiday fling and just having fun for the moment. And that's fine by the way, as long as you've agreed to it.Ladies let me sound it in your ears do not go with any flow, define your relationship before you end up dumped by somebody that wasn't even dating you in the first place. My 2 cents.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Go with the flow" don't mean have a holiday fling.
      Ok,after defining it and he travels back to his normal pattern of not calling and messaging, she wld still send another "Dear Thelma..."???

      Sisteh,if u have no sinister motives, let ur friend hang with u guys sometimes and act like ur chaperon. (that way u wldnt feel all the hangouts are official dates).
      Then again, he might be married so what wld u be trying to "define"???

      Delete
  4. Where do I start from sef...I will even answer questions you are not asking. First of all, you said you never wanted a Muslim guy, all of a sudden you are changing that because of feeling....he may not be staunch but muslim na muslim.
    Two...He is not good with keeping in touch, a guy that place you as priority would keep in touch with you, he would plan fun activity for and with you, would always want tot hear your voice and would not tell you to book an appiontment by sending a text "let us talk', then he will call.
    Three... He is coming to ghana in christmas and may soon move back, according to Thelma, don't hold your breathe.
    Finally, If nobody would say it, let me just put it out there, he may like you but he is not that into you.

    Now the the questions you asked...Tell your friend to chill, she might go on one outing with you guys but you don't need to tell her about everywhere you go.
    About just asking him what you guys are doing, Just ask him already before it becomes a case of 'chop and clean mouth' that is a holiday fling.
    All the best

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. U've said it all. The truth is bitter o!

      Delete
  5. Thinking..... What does Thelma want us to add when she's said everything. Nice response Thelma!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's with the brief responses???
      It's becoming unbecoming...

      Delete
    2. Awwww... Sasha Bone my Leo sister. Type that again.

      Anyway I'm grateful for all the advice so far. I'm waiting on more though.
      Thank you.

      Delete
    3. @ Sasha bone and Poster, would you prefer the alternative?

      I just thought Thelma made a comprehensive reply and anything I'd add would amount to tautology.

      Delete
  6. Biko I am with Sasha bone on this one, have fun at least for the holidays. It still wouldn't change anything after all.

    Listen to me, what would be would be! You don't have to stress it. Let me ask a quick question only you would answer, it may build your decision though.

    Suppose you ask the man to define what you both have, and he wants a holiday chic, would you leave him? Would you feel bad or disappointed even? Would it mean a boring Xmas obviously with no company? How do you get the fun chic?

    As an igbo girl, my opinion is go with the flow, create your boundaries, have fun, when all this is over, if he wants to stay he would wether or not you ask him. Infact I would count it as his loss if after holidays he doesn't want to commit. Then either ways you had fun. No love lost, No love found. Don't stress your brain over peanuts when I am trying to a hit a few notes before shutdown for the year.

    Please Thelma doesn't want any "dear Thelma he said no ..." Stories.

    #LifeIsShort#Havefun#Holiday#PlaySafe#YOLO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I keep seeing "have fun"... but What kind of fun could she possibly have with a relative stranger who is just not that into her (refer bride2mum's response)? If she wants to have fun, she should hang out with her friends. Why start something that's not going anywhere because it's holiday season?

      Delete
  7. Xmas is not the end of the world I agree but the season comes once in a year, so also is harmattan season not an all year affair. Kisses Anonymous.

    What's up with the fling talk sef? You are only a fling when you consider yourself as one. It is in the head poster, erase that part. If possible tie your legs like a mermaid.

    Must you be in a relationship to have fun again? Peeps should loosen up a bit, it's not that serious yet, like bride2mum said, "he is not that into you" hence again BLINK said have fun.

    Back to reality sef, Why consider a relationship with a Muslim when you have reservations about it? Why creating a Yoke like the Bible would say? Ndi mmadu sef!

    You don't owe your friend nada, abi she don turn MTN? (everywhere you go). but there is no harm in having company, it would be more fun I presume. Just when the relationship is Defined then she came stay clear.

    ReplyDelete

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