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Dear Thelma...




Dear T please help me post so that blog readers can advise me. I'm engaged to a man I love very much, to the best of my knowledge he is a very good man and treats me and those around him very well. Since we got engaged I have been asking him a lot of questions so that I can know the person I'm going to spend my life with and so that we can settle any differences. Normally I ask his expectations, his religious views, sexual history, health history, past relations etc but last night I don't know why but I asked him if he has ever raped anyone. I was expecting him to laugh it off or get offended but he became very serious and said yes. I couldn't believe my ears. He said it was when he was in university that he got mixed with the wrong group. Later that night he tried to make love to me but I couldn't stand him touching me. One part of me wanted to see if he will do it forcefully but he just respectfully slept off. In the morning he asked if I'm ok and I said I cannot accept that the man I'm going to marry raped somebody, that the thought of him forcing someone to have sex is too much for me. Then he said that he didn't use force, that he and the girl were friends so he invited her to his house one evening. He said when he got there he tried to make out with her but she stopped him. He said he didn't argue with her, that he just brought out his gun and placed on the bed then told her to take off all her clothes and open her legs. I couldn't believe my ears because that is even more wicked than force somehow, I am so heartbroken n disappointed. He has been saying it's all in the past and that the girl has even forgiven him but I'm not sure how I feel anymore. Should this change my mind about marrying him? Please what do you think?

Comments

  1. There are so many things we do as younger people that we can never do as grown up. Life is in stages. When growing up, you are prone to try so many things. He said its all in the past, believe him. That he told you about it is a sign of respect and love. Most human walk around with secretes which only them and God knows. let the sleeping dog lie. Marry him if you love him except there is something else you are not telling us.

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  2. Let him who is without sin be the first to cast the stone. He admitted it, he acknowledged that it was inthe past. The lady in question has forgiven him and God has also forgiven him i believe.
    So please, just move on

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well it's not advisable for you to marry such a person,why does he have a gun in the first place,that means he may threaten u wit the same tin in future if he wants sometin from u,u neva can tell what will happen if u refuse!!!

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  4. It is not advisable for you to marry such person,why does he have a gun in d first place,even if he is a police man,the gun given to them isn't for threatening others. Think we'll before u do ds cos he may do d same tin in future and if u don't give him what he's asking for,u don't knw wat the consequences could be, may God guide us aright!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon he said he joined d wrong group in his uni days,she didn't say he still has the gun or moving with d same group, like dinma said, when we are much younger we tend to try different things, at least 70% o those who wnet to the uni or who are adults today soiled their hands one way or the other,and for him to admit it and explain the way it all played out to her then he is a changed person, we all have our past,so my dear poster do not allow the past to disrupt ur future its not like u have been seeing the traces in him before now,if u had, that would have been a different ball game but he isn't acting it and for him to own up to it shows he is over it, shows he loves, respects and adores u. So plss talk to him about your fears and if he assures u its in the past,then get it off your mind and most importantly,pray pray and pray. May God lead u right.

      Delete
    2. Thank you Mabel

      Delete
  5. Poster, I am sure you have a not-too-beautiful history too. We all have our past wrongdoings; we all have things we did which we are not/no longer proud of. Forgive him and move on.

    -F

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  6. Hmmm...Well most of us have a past that we are not so proud of and most of us have changed for the better and If in our changed self, someone decide to judge us or give a verdict based on our past then that is just not fair.
    I cannot say you should marry him or not but he is being honest with you, which is a good thing, so I would say weigh everything in your head and if you think this guy is worth it, then you can go ahead but if you cannot move past his past, it is not your fault, then take a walk .

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  7. Its people like you that make men lie. He told you the truth and now you want to use it against him. He will lie to the next girl he meets and its all your fault.

    Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know this isn't a funny matter but kon just made me laugh. You claim you want am honest relationship but you can't stand the truth.

      My own question for the poster though, is why did you wait till y'all got engaged before you started asking questions. Before you say yes to a proposal it means you've decided that you're compatible. Or I might be wrong as I've never proposed or been proposed to before.

      Delete
    2. I swear... I was literally Laughing my a** off! Waoh! Oh my... Wonders just won't cease from this world... Smh! I think she's not even ready sef. I have one friend like that too! I swear, she's not mentally prepared for marraige. That's why she's been asking all sorts of questions and finally she got this one, 'The Real Excuse' she's been waiting for.
      I'm sure she felt, when she comes here to lament, she will be told to leave him (after all sugabelly story of rape is still in the air).

      Lmao!!!! This isn't funny like Steele wrote but I just can't help it.

      Delete
  8. Please can you also ask him if he has killed anyone when he was with the wrong group. The way you are feeling is only normal, you need time to come in terms with that. It is his past so forgive him if you can. Someone close to me experienced rape, I know how that messed up her life so if I were in your shoes that will be a deal breaker.j

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually asked him if he's killed anyone too. He was vague but he said no. I don't know if I believe him because he was really vague, coupled with the fact that he had guns, which was what he used to threaten the girl he raped.

      Delete
    2. and are you 105% sure the girl forgave him ? because don't let your future hubby's sins bring evil into you your home..you know karma

      Delete
  9. I used to be all about full disclosure until I was neck deep into the "TTB business". Some stories are better left where they belong seeing as they will hardly (to the best of our individual knowledge) affect our future.

    Dear Poster, I don't know about you, but I see Rape as a minute sacrilege. I find it VERY difficult to relate to Rapists, I've known quite a few while in school. Not everyone who joins bad groups end up Raping girls, so those who take advantage of that have serious sinister issues. Why rape in the first place, and someone who trusts you explicitly? If your sexual emotions peak, there're call girls all over the place to douse the flame (I'm not encouraging one patronizes call girls), why threaten and rape someone? Why? This is beyond wickedness. Past or Present, Rape isn't just something anyone overlooks. It's ten times worse than domestic violence.

    Your bf should've been silent. Now that he's exposed his past I will honestly ask you to have a rethink...like seriously. Rapists aren't normal people. They're sick. If he's healed, great, but my advice to you is to reevaluate your relationship. Personally I can't deal with them, but that's my opinion.

    Remain blessed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Thank you very much!!!

      Delete
    2. Bruh!!! Is this you?

      Wonder why life just can't be straightforward. This is the reason why some peeps are scared to live with their guilt and they end up committing suicide because they feel they don't deserve to live.

      Please Memphis! please!! don't tell me he's better off being suicidal. Cos I'm even shocked you can judge anyone on here, for what they have done in the past. Like seriously?

      Being truthful to yourself is the best way to be truthful to anyone u choose to be truthful to. He found someone and he has expressed his innermost demons(it takes strength and a pure heart), he's a liberated Man, that Lady isn't and she may never be until she reevaluates her thought processes.

      I don't care who you are or what you have done, for the fact you can be Truthful to yourself and conquer your past deeds by living beyond them. My dear you are Good To Go! And if anyone cannot accept you for your past, he or she isn't worthy of your future... #SWERVE!!!
      #TeamSelfConfidence

      Delete
    3. Memphis, thank you. God bless you.

      Delete
    4. Uyi I'm not surprised at your comment. Last time there was a Post about people with tribal marks and you were very clear on your stance about dating such people. Was that judgmental? I started with saying some things are better left in the past. If you want to free yourself from a sacrilegious past, best visit the clergy or a psychologist, not pouring out your pain on feeble minded individuals. If I was a serial killer a pedophile in the past, with over a dozen kids as my victims, I would clear my conscience in repentance by talking to the right people, not someone I'm about to get married to. If you can do such a thing, by all means. We're not all mentally prepared to tolerate certain things so the confession should be done with the listeners' emotions in mind.

      I can't tolerate Rapists. I can (try to) forgive, but any kind of relationship will be dead. Wave from afar. That's me though, everyone has his/her own tolerance level.

      Delete
    5. Bruh, are you truly comparing both situations? Lol

      C'mon. This babe has been questioning this guy and he's been giving her honest answers in all she's asked. Now, she must be mentally prepared for the worst case scenarios before asking all sorts.
      You don't get? It is as if this lady has been looking for the 'right' excuse not to marry him. She just happened to find that excuse in this 'rape'(subjective) confession. Does that sound like someone who is even interested in marraige in the first place, talk less of being tolerant to 'rapist converts'

      Let me go back to the tribal mark thing. It isnt 'a sin' or 'a crime' that needs to be forgiven or judged. Having tribal marks wont stop you from going to hell/heaven or will lead you going to jail... So do u think that is a good reference to raise your point further?

      Oga Memphis, this is pretty straightforward. If you can't forgive someone for his past deeds because of the kind of deeds, There's more you gotta think through.
      "Nobody holy pass e eh, look into my eyes and tell me say you pass e ehhh"- 2face

      Delete
    6. 1 Corinthians 10:13

      Uyi, brother, I respect your opinion and admire that you and many others here can tolerate and preach forgiveness, I honestly do. But there's really no need trying to convince me when we're talking about Rape. Everyone has his own tolerance level, I don't care whether she was "looking for an excuse to quit" or her bf is trying to be free of a sordid past. He should've kept it to himself or talked to appropriate people.

      I can have a relationship/marry any lady who's aborted or had an outrageous body count, but that's me. Many guys won't even dare. That's the tolerance I'm talking about. So if you can let your sister marry a repentant rapist or pedophile, all well and good. I can't, that simple.

      Delete
    7. At Uyi, rape is a grievous thing.if you have a sister and she was raped this your narrative will be the opposite.


      That he confessed does not make the act less grievous. For every act we commit, there are consequences. He might be a changed man but there are consequences for his action.

      One good reason why I won't want to marry a rapist is that my kids may grow up to hear their father is a rapist and they may not have a big heart like mine to forgive him and forget. In short, where there is repentance remorse there must also be acceptance of the consequences of one's action and in this case it may include losing a loved fiancee.

      If she can forgive him fine, if she cannot get over that it is equally fine.

      You will have a daughter one day,imagine that daughter being raped and the effect it will have on her. I WILL NOT MARRY A RAPIST. Like Memphis pointed out,being in the wrong circle does not make one a rapist and confession does not absolve one from the consequences of their action.

      If our judicial system works well that guy should be on his way to jail. It's like saying a judge should set someone free because he confessed and showed remorse.J

      Delete
    8. uyi, if your fiance tells you she forced herself on her neighbour's kids when she was 18 and the boy was 13/15 .not once, not twice.. and she threatened him..so he never said anything to his folks..would you still want to marry her ?

      Delete
    9. Yes!!!!
      The fact whether she did it or not is NOT the reason I wanted to marry her in the first place.

      HOPE THAT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION?

      Delete
    10. @ J. Is she the 'Judge' here? Who is she sentencing? Herself or him?

      For the record, this isnt about our system. Even the american system of justice convict innocent victims as rapist because of the 'term' rather than whether the individual is guilty or not. So thats far from it.

      We are talking aboutt marraige here, and you can never find 'happily ever after' in it.
      Rape is a sexual sin, this guy is getting married to a lady he would eventually have sex with or they've already been into it and he has never forced her once or has she seen any reason to think he would. The fact he even confessed to it, she should doubt if he's truly done something like that because of who he is now. I'm sure if she loved him, she didn't love him for what he isn't but rather for what he is and for me, she's just creating problem where there isn't.

      If anybody close to me is a victim, so I should go around killing people as my revenge? No, c'mon Uyi that's too harsh. To 'revenge', just investigate people and then if they admit to have done something as bad in the past, use it to rub them all the way. They are the evil ones.

      Daughters being raped, Sons being molested. Children being abused physically. They are all social vices. The person(abuser) isn't the problem, it is the ACT that is the problem. That is the reason for Jail terms, so they can be recorrected. They are punishment, not to castigate you but to correct you, get it?
      Go to the same america, ex-cons find it hard to find jobs because they have to tick that little box in their interview sheet. Probably I'm supposed to be like, 'Yes, that's good for him. He or she should never find job for what he has done to have become an Ex-con', right? Right?

      Most problems in the world originates from the lack of empathy. Even the system has empathy but the people behind the system don't.

      Delete
    11. "...Rape is a sexual sin, this guy is getting married to a lady he would eventually have sex with..."

      This statement has confirmed you really don't understand what Rape is, but it's still good you root for forgiveness. Just hope in advising on that, the victim is somewhere obviously traumatized, probably won't ever have a normal relationship again, and will probably live with that depression for decades (like Bill Cosby's numerous victims). Meanwhile the guy has "moved on". Great! So while forgiving, make sure the victim is healed...truly healed. And oh...Rape is more than just a sexual sin, it's waaayy more than that.

      Delete
    12. Please tell me what is more than a 'sin'? Cause it seems I'm missing something here. What is 'waaayy more than that'? Indulge me please. I wanna learn.

      Delete
    13. Sin is:

      1) when 10 year old Uyi decides to steal his mum's jewelry.

      2) when 27 year old Memphis decides to formicate.

      3) when Shekau decides to kill over 20000 people and leave over 2 million traumatized and homeless.

      1 John 5:16. That should help.

      Delete
    14. I'm sure there are different pots of hell that they will all be going. I mean like one hell will be hotter than the other and so on and so forth. Huh?
      Bros... Forget that story jare! You and I know that if your no.2 scenario doesn't ask for forgiveness, he will go to hell and the no.3 ask for forgiveness he is going to heaven. Now go and ask God why. I mean, its not fair Na, He only fornicated for heaven's sake. Oops hell's sake, sorry.

      Delete
    15. Lmao. I put #1, #2, and #3. You left out #1. Interesting. Before I "forget my story", is #1 not going to hell too? Haha

      Delete
    16. UK and I know you already the answer to number 1. Except u are trying to question the Bible by age. Every sinner goes to hell if u don't ask for forgiveness. There is not censors board in heaven or hell.

      Last time I checked, stealing is one of the 10 commandments except maybe u feel moses wrote 'this scroll is rated 18+, sinners' discretion is advised' lol

      Delete
    17. Uyi and Memphis oooo! Lmaoooo! *hugs you both*

      Uyi, I understand where you're coming from.. forgive and forget.. he told you the truth.. if you couldn't handle it, why ask. I get it. But you simply don't understand how deep rape is and the trauma it inflicts on the victim.. that's why you can easily waive it off and say it doesn't matter anymore. Unfortunately, confessing doesn't absolve you of the consequences like the wise anon or was it J said above. And some things are deal breakers for some.

      That said, poster... is it a deal breaker for you? we can't decide that for you. But I hope with this few comments of ours.. you'll be making your decision from a clearer and wiser perspective.

      Memphis my crush! Always on point as usual!

      Delete
    18. kabouy, do you know the trauma most 'victims' of the middle east feel about what the Americans have done to them? Some lost all their relatives and they are just alone on earth.
      Now tell me why that 'victim' won't take it as a deal breaker to commit suicide bombing? Since, its not easy(Wch I know) to forgive and forget. After all the trauma that 'victim' has to face is beyond not getting back at the cause, which to him, has to be through suicide bombing.

      Since we can't look at a bigger picture, let us keep living in contempt until Judgement day. There can never be world peace without love and part of that is forgiveness. So if you cannot do that to someone you claim to 'love', then where's the hope for better living? Cos the last time I checked, Love Should be the ultimate reason for marraige, which in this case is absent, to me.

      Delete
    19. your analogy Uyi is so offfffffff.J

      Delete
  10. Of a truth, rape is not a matter to be glossed over. But I have come to find out that when we're are young, we tend to be stupid and somewhat irrational. And a lot of us do things that we are are far from proud of, in the future.

    We all screw-up. What matters is what we do subsequently.

    From your story, dear poster, your husband-to-be, his past grievous act notwithstanding sounds and acts remorseful. He took a step to acknowledge his wrong, then a further step to show remorse. These are the criteria for obtaining forgiveness. Remember, he could have chosen the path of insincerity and shove this sad tale deeper into the dark recesses of his heart. Please, do not use this against him. Note that he trusts you enough to have shared this badly-tainted act of the past with you.

    Peace be with you.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Chimezie, he was obviously a cultist and he didn't know any better. I know former cultists that did things way worse than rape who are now very responsible citizens and good husbands and dads. Your past doesn't determine your future, trust me if he lied to you and you found out from another source I'd have asked you to remove your slippers and run for the hills. The mere fact that he was honest about it should tell you something and even make you trust him more.
      As my gf always says, please don't make me regret being honest with you because when I start being dishonest I'll start doing things that I normally wouldn't have done if I knew I couldn't lie about them.

      Delete
    2. @ Steele,

      you've got a keeper there, she's got admirable values!

      Delete
  11. well change is a very constant thing nd u said youtself dat he has been good to you nd everyone around him nd d fact dat he also told u d whole tin says a lot. not gonna say leave or stay u know d ansa I guess u just lookn for validation to leave or stay.

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  12. Shebi thats how i found out my bf was a confirmed yahoo boy, confirmed tax scams and all. I died over and again.

    ReplyDelete
  13. As much as I respect Memphis's opinion, I have to disagree with him on this. The mere fact that he even admitted it to you is testament to the amendment of his ways. I 'm of the opinion that if he is truly repentant, you should forgive and let it go. You guys can pray about and cancel the negative repercussions of the heinous act and then move on. Plus if the babe he raped has forgiven him and let it go, what's your basis for holding it against him?

    Unless there's something else to it, we all have done things we're not proud of at some point in our lives, some more heinous than others(admitted) but it doesn't make us any better than them cos we're all under grace and if God has forgiven, who are we not to?

    My advise to you is, forgive him, pray about it and then let it go. I don't think this issue is enough to break your engagement especially if its something you can pray about and both discuss at length.

    Sunshine

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear poster... People make mistakes, learn from it and change (or not). While I try not to judge anyone, there are certain things I can't accommodate in my personal space. A history tainted by violence of any kind being one of them. I agree with Memphis on this one. Your choice still.

    Meanwhile, a happy belated birthdays to Claire and Maybel! You both are blessed beyond time and seasons.

    Thelma be looking fine and balling for the universe! And the holidays aren't even here yet. Lucky you.

    Happy new month people!

    ReplyDelete
  15. after reading through comments here. my question is, if God can forgive who are we not to. we all say we love but can't forgive. what is love without forgiving. it the poster is a saint, please she should look for a fellow saint. one of the reasons we don't make progress in life in this part of the world is our reasoning. your past is your past, as long as you have made peace with God. live in the present and for the future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Where is the like button??a million likes for this,he who is without a sin should cast the first Stone,I always agree with every of Memphis's comment, but bae, I disagree with this one but m.not here to argue cos everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

      Delete
    2. True!! But Nawa o. Ds boils Down to full disclosure or not in a relationship. Very dicey. Like a friend whose Fiancé said he used to steal before bt he's a changed person now(which he is cos she has never seen such traits since she met him cos he's really wonderful, God-fearing, honest to a fault sef.. Etc). she was like..bros u for no tell me naa,I'm about ur future not ur past, so I didn't need to know as long as u've repented n changed . Case Closed

      Delete
  16. after reading through comments here. my question is, if God can forgive who are we not to. we all say we love but can't forgive. what is love without forgiving. it the poster is a saint, please she should look for a fellow saint. one of the reasons we don't make progress in life in this part of the world is our reasoning. your past is your past, as long as you have made peace with God. live in the present and for the future.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I think we miss the point here. In marriage class they asked us to ask our partners things about their past and then make decision based on the information we get.

    What is a deal breaker for me may not be a deal breaker for someone else. It is not about forgiveness per se because she was not the one raped. The question is can she marry him knowing that? Guy A can marry Mary knowing she was a prostitute, Guy B may leave Mary for that. That is not a deal breaker for A but is for B.

    Poster, if you try your possible best to look past this but you can't, do not feel guilty to walk out. It does not make you a bad person, you are just being true to yourself. You alone know what you can live with and this has absolutely nothing to do with forgiveness. J




    ReplyDelete
  18. Besides, let me just remark that I love the differing and sometimes contrasting views expressed over this issue of concern (as it helps for a richer learning experience). I was almost missing this on TTB, Glad that it hasn't been lost!

    ReplyDelete

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5. 1 human hair wig from Gabby's Wigs'n'Weaves. You pick from one of the wigs below. 
6. 3 cakes from CakesandCream 

7. A getaway at CitiHeight Hotel Ikeja for 3 people. (Who can each bring one person along).  


As I said earlier, Kon has already won a stay at CitiHeight and Clare, a kimono. So those gifts are now available for 2 people each. 
There is no competition. We are only going to play a game. 
I have each gift item listed out in numbers. Number 1 to 100. …