In a Perfect World, I Would Have...

You have those friends with whom you can be very vulnerable. They know your fears, weaknesses, hopes and all, and you know theirs too. 

Some nights ago I was talking to one of these friends and I guess I'm that kind of friend with whom she can be naked. She complained a bit about her husband, the homefront, then went ahead to talk about a former classmate of hers who's married to the son of one of Nigeria's prominent public figures. Apparently this friend has been a swan among ducklings, right from their teens. She was from a middle class home but thanks to her milky complexion and extraordinary good looks, she's always kinda had things handed to her. All through university she was dated and cared for by one rich kid or the other, and right after uni, this son of a wealthy Nigerian saw her picture, insisted on meeting her and next thing we know they were engaged. Now they've got three little kids, when they're not home in Banana Island, they're in their New York apartment in Manhattan. 

My friend talked dreamily about the recent birthday pictures she just put up in Instagram and how charmed the girl's life is. I listened to her patiently. I could hear the wistfulness in her voice and while I was getting carried away imagining the heaven that must be the girl's life, I felt a need to remind my friend that no matter how perfect someone's life seems, it is never perfect. 

In truth, I was saying those words just to console my friend, because at that point I wasn't so sure I believed them. Then she said "I know, but some people's lives are more perfect than others". I know, right? We all have crosses to bear but some people's crosses are light as pancakes and bedazzled with glitter. 

But is this true? Do some people go through life carrying weight far smaller than others? Or do we all suffer the same although facing different discontents?           

This post isn't even about people with seemingly perfect lives. Perhaps it's just the fact that one half of 2015 is over and one is forced to reflect. Naturally it's one of those times when you think about what you wish you had in your life, and what you still hope to get. So "In a perfect world, so so and so would happen"? Yeah. What's your own scenario?

In a perfect world I'd have two kids by now, live on my (or our) own property, work in the PR department of a big organization with plans of my own PR company underway. I'd have my hands deep in the media and travel at least twice a year; a different exotic location each time. In a perfect world I'd be loved deeply and spoiled senseless by the love of my life whom I just can't imagine living without. 

      In a perfect world, all marriages would be happy, there'd be no divorce. There'd be no terrorism, no hunger and no tears". 

In a perfect world, how would your life be? What would you have and where would you be now?

Of course (some of) these things we long for are still attainable.

Oh, Welcome to July my darlings. May God bless us all!

***

Photo source; Shutterstock. 

My Darling Tiwa!

You know there are times that I'm sorry wouldn't even cut it. Tiwa might be quiet on the blog but she's extra special in "real" life. LOL. She was one of the first blog readers to reach out to me, doesn't forget my special days, sent me something on TTB first anniversary, calls me whenever I sound down on the blog, calls me occasionally to keep me updated on herself, and then I went and forgot it was her birthday, even if we talked about it a week ago. 

What is it with me and forgetting birthdays these days though? Old age?

Tiwa baby if it makes you feel any better, you're my daddy's birthday mate, his birthday was on the 28th of June too and I blanked and also forgot to wish him a happy birthday (smh at me). I hope you both forgive me. 

I'm two days late but it's better late than never abi? 

I hope you had a great one? Many more awesome years ahead babay! Much love.

cc @kabuoy @memphis. *lipssealed*.

Is This Part of Being a Mrs? (My Sister In-Law; The Chronic,NeverEnding Burden).

Damn Some in-laws are much tho! Lol! "Whole Chicken"! Read Enjoy Comment. 

My husbands family love to be around each other. They are so close that their father built a block of flats where they all live. My husband and I live in the penthouse. We are building our own so we are here for another two years. My family and I are close but we have boundaries! We don't need to speak everyday or be in each others faces. They are quite used to walking in and out of each others apartments and helping themselves to things. I'm usually ok with it as I don't mind entertaining. However, my husbands sister is too much for me. She is a chronic and never-ending burden. I tend to mind my business with their family issues and say almost nothing at all. She has a habit of raiding my kitchen pantry and freezer every other month. She comes in while I am at work and just "goes in"! On Friday, she took a whole chicken, huge Tilapia fish from and a few drinks and other items from my pantry. This lady cooked and entertained her guests in our house. I have gathered it's because my husband has a cook, so she makes use of him too. I came home looking to defrost some of the freezer items only to discover I had been robbed! Again. I am pissed because food is expensive and this lady is reckless. She takes the expensive things like prawns, crab etc. I am thinking of putting a lock on the freezer. My hubby told me to let her know myself I don't like it and those are female issues so he is not getting involved (I wasn't expecting that stupid response considering how cranky he gets when he wants something and it is "finished"). my grandmother fiercly warned me to leave "those warri people" and I should let them take what they want except it's my personal stuff. And even with that, I should put away what I don't want taken. I'm usually even tempered but I just can't with this one. Is putting a lock on the freezer extreme? How does one set boundaries with an older in-law. Install a lock or listen to my Grandma's advice, it's part of the being called a Mrs?

***

Just when I was trying to do a post about in-laws in close quarters (a blog reader's request), @conniegirlswag put this up. This got me riling, like, I'm boiling on behalf of the wife. And knowing men they'll never get involved. Trust me, I have 2 brothers so I know. No matter how indignant and justified your anger is, they'll just stay in the sidelines and be forming diplomacy. Aaarrrrrgghhhhh!!!!! 

So, let's talk, what say you about this?

On Days I Want To Give Up Blogging.

Have you ever felt like just packing it in? Yes, "it". Whatever it is. Your job, your blog, your business, your passions... Have you felt like that?

Well once in a while I really feel like just pressing delete on the blog and moving on with my life. I guess I'm not supposed to admit it but hey, whatever, some days I just want to pack it in. 

It isn't always easy; the days you wake up just not in the mood, the days you wake up in the mood but have no ideas for a post, the days you wake up not in the mood and have no ideas for posts, the days you post but know your posts make no sense, the days it seems your readers all just took a break from you, the days you check your page views and it's half what it used to be, even though your efforts are double what they used to be... The days you just get tired of having to spring up ideas for posts on a daily basis... On those days, among others, I just want to pack it in. 

And what do I do when I feel that way?

I wish I could tell you some really inspiring cool story. But that would be a lie. I sulk, I wallow in self-pity, I overeat, I stay away from the net, I take a few gulps of vodka, I ask "why me?", I remind myself of others who stopped (blogging) but didn't suddenly die, I sleep and forget all my sorrows. 

But I allow these rather defeatist moments last only a moment. Then

I remember why and how I started

I remember that if there was no greater purpose I wouldn't have started in the first place

I remember where I'm going. This isn't it, I'm not there yet. So I #keepmoving

I know that those who stopped (blogging) didn't die but if I give this up something inside me might. 

I remember those articles that say most bloggers didn't attain any great success within the first four years of blogging, so I've got to #keeppushing

I know that if I fall off this wagon getting back on might be impossible 

I remind myself that it's human to feel this way. 

And that's what I want you to know, it's human to want to roll everything up in a bundle, toss it aside and walk away in a different direction. But if you're certain there is a destination and you're on the right road, then stay the course. Yes, you should be certain. Otherwise, it may not be the worst idea in the world to actually pack it in. What's important is that you're tossing it aside for something else. You actually start to wither away when you do nothing. 

I remember the husband in My Wife and Kids telling his wife in one episode "It's not that I don't love you, I love you. In fact I love you so much that sometimes I just need to take a break from you". Yeah, weird as it may sound, you can love something yet still need an occasional breather. 

     It's ok to want a little space from a project you're very passionate about. Sometimes you need that air to clear your head and enhance your creativity. 

So yes, this is me, Thelma, and on some days I want to pack it in. But those days are very few and far between. On most days I love what I'm doing, I love where I'm going, I'm excited by the possibilities and too grateful to the likes of Ruthielicious (who somehow finds the most interesting comments to the dullest posts (yes, some posts are dull) (I'd be the first to admit it) LOL) and many others, to just "rapture" my blog. 

And I hope that if you ever feel like giving up on something that you love, you find inspiration and courage to stay the course. 

Remember that your best is never in your past, 'I get am before' nor be property. God's plan for you is never in your past, it's still ahead, it is yet to come. 1Cor 2:9. #KeepMoving. 

Was I Right or Wrong? Be The Judge.

So early in May I went to the shopping mall and couldn't help but notice this rather fine looking, gentleman dressed in a suit, welcoming each person that walked in. I wondered if that was a new feature of the mall, a new part of their culture; having a well dressed man greet each person individually. Well that didn't make sense so I brushed the thought aside. While leaving, I looked out for him and saw him timidly approach people leaving the mall. I walked to the other side of the car park, not wanting to be begged for money by the well dressed man in the suit. 

I thought to myself that he wasn't a feature of a mall after all, he was a well packaged beggar. But as I drove out I watched him closely and saw that he had some things in his hand. On getting to where he stood, I slowed down and wound the glass down. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Please ma, I just released my album ma, anything you can give me ma..." I asked him for a copy and handed him a 500 Naira note. 

I slotted the disk in and a few minutes later I tossed it out of the window. Dude couldn't sing to save his life! I also felt cheated because the first song, first among three, was not his but something from a Redeemed church service. I mean, why sing gospel music and still cheat? That's both a sin and a crime. I didn't regret parting with my money though, it must have taken a lot to stand there with his hands held out. Let's also not forget that recording the songs and printing the covers must have cost money too...

Oh well this morning I rushed to the bank to get my BVN sorted with Tundun (yes, I'm one of those procrastinators that wait for deadlines *covers face*). While I got a slot in the queue in one bank, I ran to use the ATM for another bank. Turns out they had a problem so I ran to a branch nearby where they made me join yet another queue to get money over the counter. I heard someone singing a bit too loudly behind me, irritated I turned to tell him to keep it down! I opened my mouth and almost immediately shut it, it was none other than the beggar-singer-scammer! I faced front and ingnored him, but not before he grinned at me and winked. Eeew!

Next thing I knew he took his earpiece out of his ears and started trying to chat me up. I ignored him. As we left the banking hall he followed suit and badgered me with tales of the usual "Can I get your number? Can I call you later? Can I get to know you better?" Agitated, I snapped at him and said I was in a hurry. Goodbye. 

Tundun says "you could have just heard him out". I said "Why would I hear him out?", then explained the CD incident to Tundun. She then hits me with the "Despise not the days of humble beginnings" line. 

I scoffed. 

Mba nu. No can do!

I'm not materialistic (at least I don't think I am) but I'm certain that that is not part of my destiny. Why exchange numbers with someone I saw begging for handouts and handing out extremely crappy music at the mall? 

Tundun says "that's just wrong! Pride comes before a fall". My eyes rolled so far back into my skull I had to shake my head vigorously to reset it! Is this chics kidding me?

Biko was I wrong? Tell me. 

Ps; I wasn't rude to him o! Before you judge me put yourself in my shoes. Would you "get with" someone you saw begging for handouts at the mall or some other public place?

In Defense Of Pedophiles & Pedophilia (It's a Valid Sexual Orientation Just Like Any Other!)

To all those people I cussed out for saying once homosexuaity is embraced then we should get ready to embrace pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia etc I'm so sorry. I never thought the day would come when I would read an article such as this in black and white. In the defense of pedophilia and pedophiles, no where is there any mention of the effect onthe child. Instead they say sex should be introduced to children at a younger and younger age, they say child pornography could be beneficial to society and that once sex is consensual, regardless of the type of sex, then it's fine. Question is, how difficult is it to get the consent of a child; some mind games here, some mild threats there, some pieces of candy here, some kindness there, and an unknowing innocent child nods her/his head in consent. 

Using the same tactics used by “gay” rights activists, pedophiles have begun to seek similar status arguing their desire for children is a sexual orientation no different than heterosexual or homosexuals.

Critics of the homosexual lifestyle have long claimed that once it became acceptable to identify homosexuality as simply an “alternative lifestyle” or sexual orientation, logically nothing would be off limits. “Gay” advocates have taken offense at such a position insisting this would never happen. However, psychiatrists are now beginning to advocate redefining pedophilia in the same way homosexuality was redefined several years ago.

In 1998 The APA issued a report claiming “that the ‘negative potential’ of adult sex with children was ‘overstated’ and that ‘the vast majority of both men and women reported no negative sexual effects from  childhood sexual abuse experiences.”

Republicans attempted to add an amendment specifying that “pedophilia is not covered as an orientation;” however, the amendment was defeated by Democrats. Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fl) stated that all alternative sexual lifestyles should be protected under the law. “This bill addresses our resolve to end violence based on prejudice and to guarantee that all Americans, regardless of race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability or all of these ‘philias’ and fetishes and ‘isms’ that were put forward need not live in fear because of who they are. I urge my colleagues to vote in favor of this rule.”

The White House praised the bill saying, “At root, this isn’t just about our laws; this is about who we are as a people. This is about whether we value one another  — whether we embrace our differences rather than allowing them to become a source of animus.”

Earlier this year two psychologists in Canada declared that pedophilia is a sexual orientation just like homosexuality or heterosexuality.

Van Gijseghem, psychologist and retired professor of the University of Montreal, told members of Parliament, “Pedophiles are not simply people who commit a small offense from time to time but rather are grappling with what is equivalent to a sexual orientation just like another individual may be grappling with heterosexuality or even homosexuality.”

He went on to say, “True pedophiles have an exclusive preference for children, which is the same as having a sexual orientation. You cannot change this person’s sexual orientation. He may, however, remain abstinent.”

Linda Harvey, of Mission America, said the push for pedophiles to have equal rights will become more and more common as LGBT groups continue to assert themselves. “It’s all part of a plan to introduce sex to children at younger and younger ages; to convince them that normal friendship is actually a sexual attraction.”

Milton Diamond, a University of Hawaii professor and director of the Pacific Center for Sex and Society, stated that child pornography could be beneficial to society because, “Potential sex offenders use child pornography as a substitute for sex against children.”

Diamond is a distinguished lecturer for the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. The IASHS lists, on its website, a list of “basic sexual rights” that includes “the right to engage in sexual acts or activities of any kind whatsoever, providing they do not involve nonconsensual acts, violence, constraint, coercion or fraud.” Another right is to, “be free of persecution, condemnation, discrimination, or societal intervention in private sexual behavior” and “the freedom of any sexual thought, fantasy or desire.” The organization also says that no one should be “disadvantaged because of  age.”

Sex offender laws protecting children have been challenged in several states including California, Georgia and Iowa. 

***

Read complete article 

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Ps; I should add that this article was written in 2011 and is therefore not recent. I also just found several other articles written around that period demanding the normalization of pedophilia. Thankfully no advancement has been made in their course between then and now. I think we should pray that it stays that way, despite the growing strength of LGBT and legalization of Gay marriage in their country. 

Monday Morning... BVN... Expectations!

Good morning errbody! 

Calling on everyone who is yet to do their BVN registration!

*Your BVN gives you a unique identity that can be verified across ALL Nigerian Banks (it is not peculiar to one Bank)

*Your Bank Accounts are protected from unauthorized access

*It reduces fraudulent activities on bank accounts

*Gives easy access to Banking operations

*Your BVN is accepted as a means of identification across ALL Nigerian Banks

*Registration in one bank covers all accounts the individual might have in all other banks

The deadline for registration is Tuesday, 30th June, 2015. 

I culled the above from SDK. Did you hear that? The deadline is tomorrow!

Ok, the idea behind this post is to alert those who are yet to do theirs, Rush to your bank(s) NOW!

Have you done yours?

....when I started typing this post there was plenty to say but suddenly I'm racing against time so BRB!

When Desperation Pushes You...

Daniella crushed on Chudi for longer than even she could remember, all she knew was that she had to meet him. One fateful Saturday night she spotted him at the club and thankfully he happened to be with an acquaintance of hers. Normally Daniella wouldn't have gone to say hi to this acquaintance but because of Chudi, she did. She had hoped he would take interest in her but unfortunately, he only politely said hi. Daniella lingered for any useful info and eventually heard him tell her acquaintance that he was returning to Lagos the next day. The next morning Daniella went online to check what flights were going to Lagos and when, thanks to the small town she lived in there were only few flight coming in and leaving the town, it being a Sunday made it even fewer. Daniella got her hair made, applied her makeup carefully and wore the most innocent yet flirtatious dress she had. Ready, Daniella headed to the airport an hour before the Arik flight to Lagos was slated to leave. The aero flights were leaving either very early or very late. Daniella reasoned that someone who partied hard the previous night wouldn't leave so early, and wouldn't leave so late either, because Monday is a work day. 

Yes, she "mistakenly" bumped into Chudi at the Enugu airport and there marked the start of a very passionate relationship.

Every time I remember the way my friend *Chioma met her boo, I LOL and SMH. It might seem a bit desperate but some people just don't believe in waiting for "time and chance", some people create their own opportunities. I guess, desperation can be a good thing sometimes. 

Thinking about Chioma reminds me the time I stalked and stalked someone on social media, commented on EVERYTHING she was linked to, and became a bit of a nuisance, just to get her attention. I eventually did and ended up working with her, and being friends with her. I've had some amazing moments in my career with her and I'm thankful I didn't wait for something as random as "time and chance". 

You know how they say necessity is the mother of invention? I think creativity is a child of desperation!

I once worked with someone who occasionally travels business class, not necessarily because he can afford it, but because that's where he's likely to meet his target clients. 

Another friend paid heavily for a ticket to an upscale event which she heard her dream boss was attending. She had no interest in the event, but that was the only place she could get a one on one meeting with the woman. During lunch break she walked up to her and started chatting with her. Well, let's just say the money she spent on the ticket was well worth it. 

I love stories about proactive people. It could be the gist of that runs girl who would board a plane with no particular destination, just to meet someone, (hehe. I used to know someone that would scrimp to pay for business class tickets so that she could be seated with the "wealthy" and meet wealthy aristos). Or that guy who wrote his credentials on a placard, wore a very neat suit and stood at the train station (the one who now works with one of the companies he targeted). It could also be that person who made the moves like FNLP suggested; "get as many CEO’s email addresses as you can and guess what guys? You can actually guess just by using the format of any email address you find on their official Company website... and the chances of the CEO himself replying you are very high". It could also be something like what my friend Chioma did to get her boo; she didn't wait for the Universe to put her in the right place at the right time, she found out what the right place and the right time was and put herself there!

*Side eye at y'all who deliberately got pregnant to snag a ring. *Yimu*. I'm shaking my head at you desperate heffers*. 

I'm eager to hear of one time that you didn't wait for "opportunity", "time & chance" or destiny to present something to you, instead you created the opportunity for yourself to get that thing you wanted; in your career, your love life, your finances, whatever! Let's talk. 

Ps... I believe in opportunity. I believe in destiny. I strongly believe in time and chance. But I also believe that if opportunity doesn't knock, one ought to build a door. 

#CreateYourOwnOpportunities 

"Anytime I Sleep With Her I Receive a Strange Knock on My Head"-Husband.

Just when you thought you had heard it all...

Dear Thelma...

Dear Thelma please help me post this because I need advise from you and your readers. It is about me and my fiancee.. I love my him but I'm not in love with him anymore. Our family is already planning the wedding and it is almost becoming obvious because I am not active in any of the planning, even my asoebi color and my bridesmaids dresses it was my friend that picked them, I am even yet to buy my wedding dress and when I am ready I will send my measurement to my sister so she can buy me any dress in England. He is a very nice man and I love him as a person but maybe it is because we have dated for too long or other reasons that I no longer feel attracted to him and it is just like I'm dating my cousin. He is still crazy about me and he does anything to make me happy. Unfortunately t and bvs the only thing that will make me happy now is if they cancel the wedding. When I think about him marrying someone else I get jealous but when I think about marrying him I get depressed. Honestly right now I'm confused. My aunties say the important thing is marrying a good person that loves you and it is even better when your husband loves you more. Please advise me bvs because I don't know what to do. Thank you all.

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Same Sex Marriage Legalized By The US Supreme Court.

Same-sex couples have a constitutional right to marry nationwide, the U.S. Supreme Court said in a historic ruling that caps the biggest civil rights transformation in a half-century.

Voting 5-4, the justices said states lack any legitimate reason to deprive gay couples of the freedom to marry. Justice Anthony Kennedy joined the court’s four Democratic appointees in the majority, bringing gay weddings to the last 14 states where they were still banned.

“The right to marry is a fundamental right inherent in the liberty of the person,” Kennedy wrote. “Couples of the same sex may not be deprived of that right and that liberty.”

-Bloomberg

A brave new world indeed...

But Bloomberg also added that "The decision is likely to meet resistance in parts of the country and spark new legal fights. North Carolina has a new law that lets court officials refuse to officiate at same-sex marriage ceremonies. Pike County, Alabama, currently isn’t issuing marriage licenses to anyone."

How Do I Explain Caitlyn Jenner?

"Aunty Nwando why does this woman sound like a man? Is she a man?" My baffled six year old nephew asked. 

... Fed up with watching Paw Patrol and Dora the Explorer, I decided that I also deserved to watch what I wanted to watch and began to channel surf. I paused at E for a moment, long enough to watch the ad for I Am Cait. That was the first time I was seeing the ad/preview for the former Bruce Jenner's new sitcom. That was also the first time it occurred to me that they could change her cheek bones, they could change her lips, they could change her breast size, they could change her hair, but they could not change her voice. As I wondered how one could confidently convince oneself that they're now a woman in a voice so masculine and gravelly, my nephew broke into my thoughts and asked. 

I wasn't surprised when he did. From the minute it started he left his toy automobile and squinted at the TV, trying to figure out what he was seeing. Lord let him lose interest, I prayed. God must have been busy handling other matters. I watched Caitlyn and thought to myself this is one unattractive woman! The skin on her face brings to mind the surface of a scouring brush, unfortunately one can't have skin replacement... I heard him say something about looking at the world around and one day he will be (seen as) normal. Then one of his very supportive daughters said, without much conviction, "you are normal", to which he assented; "I am the new normal"

Taaaah! Bruce biko mechi onu gi. Shataaaaap! Big breasts and long hair do not a woman make.

I have been indifferent and accepting of people's diverse individualities and challenges, including the transsexuals. But it does worry me, this "new" normal, this brave "new" world. One in which a little child struggles to comprehend things they normally shouldn't have to comprehend. 

I've always encouraged my nephews to ask questions and more questions. I admire curiousity in kids and I encourage them to ask once something isn't quite clear. The arrogance of me! I'd always presumed I would have answers to any question someone so young could possibly ask. 

But how does one answer "Why does she sound like a man?" When asked by a little child?

For a few seconds I struggled to decide whether to explain what happened (too long and would only lead to too many more questions, which I was very sure I wouldn't have answers to) or lie (unfortunately I couldn't think of any plausible lie, kids these days are too smart for cheap lies.), I eventually pretended not to hear him and changed the channel. 

And that's why I'm asking for your help today. How do you explain Caitlyn Jenner to a six year old? How do you answer "why does this woman sound like a man? Is she a man?" And how to we preserve the (old) normal?

Ps, I dunno if it's me or if it's because of the Jenner/Kardashian clan. I empathized with transgenders like Chaz Bono and even Laverne Cox, every though I tend to agree with the good doctor who says this is a mental disorder. But I can't shake the feeling that this Bruce Jenner man is just an attention seeker milking this situation and making millions by the week... 

8 Signs You Were a Bubbler.

Being a bubbler was not a joking matter. EVERYONE wanted to be a bubbler. Those that hated bubblers, hated them because they wanted to be them. Really, have you ever met a child that doesn’t want to be one of the cool kids?!

There were a few ways to gain bubbler status in secondary school. 

A few people had a natural swag that certified them as bubblers without any effort on their part. Those ones were called “bubblers by nature” aka BBN.

Then you had those ones that did everything humanly and supernaturally possible to receive the seal of approval. Those ones were called “bubblers by force” aka BBF.

There were also some people who met all the criteria but just did not have the personality required for bubbling. Those ones were on the border; not quite in but not quite relegated.

The vast majority of bubblers however, had a combination of the bubbler personality and most of the criteria listed below.

If you are feeling brave, feel free to take the bubbler quiz and see if you qualified!

1. Did You Wear Pop Socks? It was not possible to be a bubbler without owning pop socks. Like seriously, were you kidding with your cotton socks?! There was also a clear difference between the janded pop socks and pop socks from Balogun market so don’t think you were fooling anyone.

It was one thing to own pop socks but did you roll them all the way up or fold them down?  If you folded them down, gerrarahere shawty and take a seat in the non-bubbling zone.

2. Was your School Bag a Satchel? Backpack gang, please tell me, were you going off to climb Kilimanjaro?! If you did not have a satchel that you slung across your body, tell me what you are looking for here?

3. Did You Have Fancy Folders and Refill Paper? Refill paper was the most useless thing in the world…but you needed to have it. There was no argument that notebooks were the sensible place to store your notes and you needed to have those but really, no fancy folder and refill paper? Your life was not complete. 

4. Did Your School Shoes Have Heels? Now this one is important, very important. If you had mocks with heels, come in and take your rightful place. If you had mocks without heels, enter but don’t feel too comfortable. If you owned any shoe that has not been mentioned here, don’t bother knocking, respect yourself and leave this place. But wait o, if you had the audacity to wear wannabe mocks, kneel down, raise up your hands and close your eyes…shior!

5. Did you know KC Boys? If you did not know KC boys, really, what are you looking for here? I didn’t say A-Hall boys o, KC boys because they were allegedly the baddest boys in town. If you knew A-Hall  AND KC boys you can stand up but A-Hall without KC? I beg have several seats.  Your aje butter is too much. 

6. Did You Attend Parties with Names? First of all did you attend parties? Not the types with bouncy castles and Uncle E o. If they didn’t do “all boys out” at you parties and there were no obtainers collecting shoes and shirts from awon boys, shift to the side. Then did you parties have names? Certified? Let’s Play House? House Party? No? It was fellowship you were going to, not party. The lord be with you as you leave this place. 

7. Did You Jand in the Summer Holidays? Wait first, did you have a passport? Because if you didn’t, I don’t care if you have pop socks or not, you had no business attempting to bubble. Any bubbler worth their salt janded during the summer holidays. If you janded every other year, we will give you pardon, but any less frequently than that and you are a joker… gerrarahere mate! 

8. Did You Date a Lag Club Boys? Knowing KC boys was one thing but dating a Lag Club boy? Give us a minute while we all rise and clap for you. With your A-line skirt and beret, you managed to conquer the most coveted boys in Yaba. I beg open your mouth and chop knuckle.

If you scored 6 out of 8, well done, you were a bubbler. Any less than that and please, don’t disgrace yourself; just pretend you didn’t take the test and when your friend tells you about it, roll your eyes and say, “I beg, I beg, , I have better things to do!”

Written by Waila Caan

*****

LMAO. If you're a Queen's College alumnus then you must relate to this post. A fellow QCOG shared it with me on facebook and I had such a good laugh while walking down memory lane that I just had to share. The writer, Waila, actually wrote this for QCOGs but because I know that most people that schooled in Lagos (whether QCOG or otherwise) might also relate, I changed "QC" to "secondary school". So hey, did you take the test? What did you score?

Don't be shy, let's know if you were a bubbler or not.

Ps; I didn't need to take the test to know I wasn't a bubbler. LOLz

I Was Catfished!

Guys, I was Catfished. No, it wasn't as extreme as the above but let me ask you this;

Women, Their Insatiable Needs and Their "Gullible" Men.

I have often compared relationships to baskets that can’t retain water. As a young man i have struggled to reconcile myself to the ways and behaviours of women especially when it comes to money. Try as i might, I cannot understand the lust for money that most women have, neither have I found a woman who does not yearn for financial contributions in relationships.

Most of the ladies i have met in my 30 something years on earth have been so money-grubbing that they have scared the heck out of me and have kind of put me off marriage.

After dating for several years and almost going bankrupt trying to please my girlfriends, i decided i had to find other ways to assuage my sexual appetite pending when i find a woman who can love me for me.

You see most of the ladies i have dated in the past have always had one request or the other that they needed me to fulfill. Their wants were always insatiable… from an iPhone, to an iPad, to assistance with house rent or their parents/siblings medical bills. There was always something or some project that needed funding and who better to provide the funds if not the gullible boyfriend?

Funny thing is that as soon as one need is met, another springs up almost immediately. In most of my relationships i have felt like a bank account which only experiences debits and never credits. This feeling is what pushed me to try the women of the underworld. I reckoned that since it was a pay as you go exercise i would be better off financially.

So i sought a decent one far away from where I live, got a nice room and prepared to be set alight. The fees were pre-negotiated and agreed upon. It fit my budget and I hoped the experience would tide me over for the month.

The sexual experience was satisfactory. I lie… it was beyond satisfactory for the budget I set. Compared to what I usually spent on a girlfriend, the amount was reasonable and I indeed got value for my money. Alas i got the shocker of my life the next morning, when i woke up and found my night pleaser and all my valuables gone. My wallet, containing the cash I had planned to spend for 2 weeks, my Samsung tab and my sunglasses were all missing.

My night pleaser had scammed me just as my other girlfriends. She had made away with my valuables without even giving me the “break-up” story that my past girlfriends had always come up with after milking me dry”

In a reflective mood i am forced to ask is there any woman out there who will date you for love? Is there any woman out there who is not a scam artist? Most relationships come with a heavy price tag? If as a young man i have to spend so much on a girlfriend’s need how do i acquire assets or even set up a home/life?**************

I found this interesting mail on LIFETITUDE's Blog.

LOL. Who lets a nightworker sleep over and doesn't hide his valuables? You're a learner bruv!

She's Dating Her Husband, The Relationship is Steamier Than TheirMarriage!

I have been married to my hubby for 8 years and we are blessed with 4 boys which I had vaginally. After my last boy, my marriage went from bad to worse, as in, getting my hubby’s attention over the years has been very difficult. To have sex with him is even on ‘appointment’ basis. The rate at which my marriage was going, I knew that if I didn’t do something about it, it would move from worse to worst.

I sought the advice of one of my very close friends and she told me what to do. As funny as this sounds, it was working very well and I don’t want what I am doing to end.

I got a new phone and sim card, then opened new accounts on all the social media, putting all my best body parts as the display/profile picture, especially on facebook, whatsapp and bbm. I then sent a friend request to my husband. The silly man did not waste any time in accepting my requests. At first, he played hard to get but I still relented. Because my identity is not revealed to him, I went back to being the way I used to be with him that made him fall in love with me. I flirted with him badly, and he keeps falling more and more.

You won’t believe I send pictures of my p&%**y to him every morning and if you see how excited he gets. Can you imagine, he does not recognize ‘it’! The relationship has been going on strong for 6 months. In that 6 months, if you know how much he has sent to me. He has been begging to see my face, but I know that if I try that…the relationship will be over.

Back as his wife, his attention to me has greatly waned but he has been very polite and somewhat ‘nice’. He now locks his phone, as if…

I would rather have my hubby as a boyfriend than a husband. What do you think?

Should I continue or should I stop?

***

LMAO. I dunno where this came from, someone tagged me on the IG post. It sounds outrageous but the important thing is that she is her husband's mistress and she gets to keep him to herself. Or don't they say that the end justifies the means? Hahaha. Ladies, would you give this a shot?

Please who can help me complete this situation. cccc I'm looking at you seeing as you once gave my story a different ending which was more preferable to the readers. How much longer can this continue? Would she finally come clean? Would he eventually lose interest (very unlikely, because men can be very determined and tenacious when they're targeting a particular booty)? If and when she comes clean, do you think this would renew or wreck their marriage? 

Oh, lest I forget she has a question of her own; should she continue or should she stop? 

WHY DISTURB GOD? - Ogenna Chimezie Nwodo

During Mass today, when it got to the stage when the 'prayer of the faithful' will be rendered, the priest, in his obvious sensitivity for gender equality asked that four people should step forward. Two men, two women. They marched forward. The first person to come forth was one dark man, average in height. He never ceases to come out to offer the prayer of the faithful. Most times, the priest hardly concludes with the asking and he steps forward. I now assume he comes every Sunday prepared to do this service; with a seeming rehearsed prayer point. He has a mode of operation. First, he commands us to close our eyes! Usually in a tone fit only for the barracks not far away from where the Mass is held. Well, from the first day I attended Mass there, I have deliberately and defiantly flouted that command. After the command, he then goes on to shout his chosen prayer point for the day in a way that mocks God as deaf. I usually shook my head as what readily comes to mind is: "The still small voice".

So today, he went off again with his command. Immediately, my eyes which were shut quickly came to life; watching him intently. His shouts into the microphone made people cringe. His chosen prayer point for today was the happenings at 'Eight Hours' in Enugu which sees a lot of young girls display themselves like wares watching for a destined customer. He, in his usual saliva inducing shouts asked for God's intervention in that immoral business.

Then this evening, the personal message of one of my friends on BBM read thus: "It is difficult to be chaste in this time but it is still a matter of choice...." If you ask me I will tell you that it has always been a matter of choice which ever way one chose to follow, either in the current generation or those past. Chastity has always been a choice. Some people are of the view that things are worse now. But I would say that even the generations past had prostitutes. People knew and patronised them. It is not so different from now. Well, I have come to notice that every generation seems to shock the one the precedes it.

My grandmother once told me, "Nnaa, if every 'trade' ceases to exist, prostitution and thieving will remain". I believe that to be true especially for the former. Thieves are sent to prisons almost everyday. I have never seen or heard of any person prosecuted or worse still, sent to the prison for prostitution.

So why disturb God (in that annoying tone)?

***

LOL. Barrister Chimezie, the last paragraphs awaken the jurist in me. Are we to deviate from your topic and begin another on Law & Morality? *now dusting off my jurisprudence books* Hehehe. 

Another possible subtopic, based on the sentence; "But I would say that even the generations past had prostitutes. People knew and patronised them."; could be In Defense of Prostitution and Why It's About Time We Legalize It. LOL. OK, I'm done playing!

Back to the writer's question, Why Bother God? (Seriously don't people like that man just get your goat? You could pray about peace, against poverty and Boko Haram, good leadership and governance, the economy etc. Instead you choose to pray about prostitutes? Bia nna, what are you not telling us. You visited Eight Hours o kwa ya, and now your conscience is pricking you?)