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HELP! Her Husband Married His Mother...






I need advice from your blog. I got married to my husband about a year ago and right off the bat I knew we couldn’t make it. I knew because his mother moved into our home the 2nd week we got married. The moving in wasn’t really the main issue, it was my husband’s inability to ask her why she choose to move in and for how long she would be staying that hinted me that there was a big wave coming that we wouldn’t be able to survive.
More so as my husband cancelled our honeymoon plans because of his mother’s arrival. I was shocked and hurt. I tried to talk to him about the situation but he calmly requested that I overlook his mum’s presence in “his” house and everything that had to do with “his” mum.
I was confused and pained and i withdrew into my shell. Time that should have been ours alone became his and his mum’s. They would regale each other with past jokes and spend the afternoons laughing in the living room while I laid in the bedroom sobbing. Sometimes my husband would come into the bedroom to try to cajole me to join them in the living room but I couldn’t bear it. I saw her as a wicked intruder and i just couldn’t deal. It was like my husband married his mother and not me.
I should say this though, my mother in law was never nasty to me. Infact she never said an unkind word to me. It was like I was her son’s colleague or something. Our conversation was mainly about food, the weather and politics. 
By the 3rd month I was tired of the triangular relationship going on in my home. His mum had moved in more of her stuff and was always around. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation and I don’t think my husband understood how weird or intrusive his mum’s presence in our new home was.
In the 6th month of our marriage and on one of the rare occasions we were alone at home after working hours, he let on that he wasn’t happy that I had not shown care or affection towards his mother. I in turn tried to point out the awkwardness of the situation but somehow the matter escalated into a fight and I told him to choose between me and his mum.
Blatantly he chose his mum. Unable to back down from the fight I packed my things and left his house. This is the 4th month after I moved out and my husband has not come searching for me. Infact he hasn’t even called me! Neither has his mum or anyone from his family.
Last week I ran into one of our neighbors at the mall and she asked if I had cancelled my master’s programme. When I probed, she said my mother in law had told her that I had traveled to America for a master’s programme.
My parents are late, my older sister who is just 2 years older than me is as confused as I am. What do i do? What can I do? I love my husband but I do not understand this weirdness with his mother. 
***

I found this fascinating and disheartening all at once, so I'm very grateful to the darling MFA of Lifetitudes for letting me share. Guys you'd agree that this is a very comfounding situation. In her shoes, how would you proceed? 

Comments

  1. AHN AHN!!! why did you pack out of the house now, MIL will gaan sleep on your bed o.
    I know it can be choking but I think you over reacted.They even tried to bring you into the circle but you were hell bent on making yourself unhappy by going to sob in the room. why?
    You said she was never unkind to you so why didn't you just ignore her presence and enjoy your marriage?
    I hate when relatives do this but when you find yourself in a situation like this you make the best of it(not like it is easy o)but you have to make yourself happy always.
    Please find a way to reconcile with your hubby.He may not contact you because in some places, it is a taboo for a woman to pack her things out of her husband's house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True... I'm with you on this.

      And the point where you had to give him an ultimatum on who to choose between Her and Mumsy? As in, that's like fighting (not a losing) a lost battle. Smh*
      Marraige of just one year and you want him to choose you over her? Lmao!!!! That really cracked me up!

      My dear go and enjoy your marraige with your husband and stop being "possessive". She's not sharing him with you.

      Delete
  2. Im equally as confused but i dont think she should havw asked her husband to choosw between her and his mother. Sometimes for some people its hard to let go off the hold their parents have on them. The husband obviously does not love his wife and his mother is the most inconsisrate person. Was she living in a cave before her son got married. Why is she encroaching . If she had been living with her son before the whole union it would have been a different case.

    The poster should have applied wisdom in handling this issue. Going back into that marriage now will become even more difficult for her as there has been no coomincation between both parties.

    Im her shoes i would have devised a way to get close to his mother knowing that they both have a stong bond and use all my arsenals to ensure she eventually leaves.. i.m really saddened on her behalf. Some men are still babies if you ask me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Clare... I hope all is well

      Delete
    2. seconded! in anycase who can help me with my work on cybernetics control theory and cybersecurity??this masters is not easy at allll!!*crying in French*

      Delete
    3. @ Steel, now that I am settled, I am just SMH @ my jagajaga write up. Blame it on the touch screen and hunger. Lol

      Delete
  3. Nawa o, poster am just sad for you. Is she a widow? If yes, then please accommodate her but move to a place that ll give you and hubby more privacy even with her presence. Marriage is tough sha.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Omo this one pass me sha but I have one question, where's the father in-law in all this, has he passed? Did his mum raise him on her own without a father-figure?

    Lemme keep quiet and learn from the wise ones of TTB.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Chai, apologies for all the error, was just typing in a hurry like im gonna win a trophy.

    clare

    ReplyDelete
  6. Someone needs to start teaching younger women 40 and under "stoop to conquer 101"!

    This situation went from basic to complicated because she was silly enough to ask her husband to pick between her and his mother. You ask him to pick between you whom he has known for maybe 5 years and the woman he has seen sufferand tolerate on his behalf for 30 odd years? Even a mental patient will never answer differently from what the husband answered. Both roles are different and should never be competitive.

    www.pynk360 com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stoop to conquer 101!! I wish they taught this in marriage courses

      Delete
    2. Hahahahahahhhaahha. Steele ohhh,and that course though. Okay now.

      Delete
  7. Thing is for some women ehn... letting go(of their sons or daughters) is the hardest thing ever. some are able to let go and carry face even though it still hurts them... some can be mature about it... but some don't even know how to go about it and herein lies the problem.
    I don't understand why she moved in barely 2 weeks after the wedding but she should have let them have some time alone. When she noticed the way the lady pulled away from them, she should have made efforts to stay out of their way. She was just being very selfish and inconsiderate.

    But Iyawo, there are ways to deal with people like that. Your husband has definitely not "left his mother"(matt 19 v 5) And that's why you have this huge problem. We can't deal with your husband now... but he needs to grow up and severe any soul tie with his mother. he needs to be a Man.
    You went too far, and you were being very immature about the whole thing( it's easier to be on the other side and advise someone when you know if you're in the same shoes, you'll do the exact same thing) I really don't blame the poster cuz I could have done the same thing. Even worse and earlier sef. So poster reacted to a terrible situation and i really can't blame her... but she should have come out of her shell, related with them, but prayerfully collect her husband from the woman. Whilst doing her bit physically, she would on your knees get back her husband. This situation can be salvaged. She should Just humble herself and prayerfully get her husband back. Sometimes these things run deeper than the physical.

    Meanwhile... I am going to be a mother some day, and I won't want my children to severe all ties with me in the name of marriage, so I definitely won't want man to cut all ties because of marriage. but there are boundaries to be respected and lines not to be crossed. And that's where Matt 19 v 5 comes in. So if this woman is so attached to the point of almost breaking her son's home and she's still very comfortable with it, there's somfn very very wrong with that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lemme go and read Matt 19 v 5 first

      Delete
    2. Steele olodo ni ehhhhh. So u no know your bible.okay now.

      Delete
    3. lol @ soul tie and the man needing to grow up ... If I talk now, It'll be like I am an only son defending his mom. It's sha well.

      Delete
  8. Kai, how old is this girl. She did not handle this situation wisely. The MIL moving in and letting his son cancel his honey moon is wicked if you ask me. Even to call a newly married couple then is suspect. She stole that from them. However the fact the son cancelled that trip without more should tell you how close his relationship with his mum is. In your shoes I would try to bond with the mum. Gist with her, you may even learn a thing or more about your husband from her.

    I don't know what the sobbing drama is all about,you were not excluded from their conversations you excluded yourself.

    Bonding with your husband's mum could have given you an edge in getting anything you want from your husband including the honeymoon you guys cancelled. You would have talked to an elder to guide you on how to handle the situation.

    Why would you ask a man to choose between you and his mum especially as you have stated she has not been harsh to you.it's not a competition,he should have both of you in his life.

    That being said,in my opinion this is the way forward. Don't call or text, go to your husband in person. Tell him it was stupid on your part to leave your matrimonial home and you've realised that. That you want to come back. Also let him know that he can have both of you in his life. Please the issue of his mum presence in your home should be discussed much later. Enter your house first and work on your relationship with your husband . Good luck. J


    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh and the fact they said you went for masters is a good thing. It means your husband has plans of taking you back.someone that went for masters is expected back. Dealing with MILS takes great wisdom,obviously her behaviour leaves a lot to be desired but youdid not handle it well at all. J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please forgive all my gbaguns above. I didn't read my comment before posting. J

      Delete
  10. Choi! Thelma ou est mon comment? Pls can't find my comment here yet #cryingseriously

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please hunny don't cry. I hope it's one of the comments above?

      Delete
  11. This one pass me,married people and the use ones plsss take over n let's learn from u guys. But wait ohhhh,my honey moon gets canceled for one iyaoko?ahhhhhhh moma fun Iya yen ni majele jeee nii. Choiii.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My dear, some children have seen their parents (mothers) especially sweat blood, fire and brimstone to cater for them, hence the very strong bond.

    The problem here is that this particular mother inlaw is bent on holding unto her son, the poster exposed herself even more by packing out cos this MIL will now tighten the "otumokpor" (stong hold) she has over her son.

    We are not oyinbo, like Pynk said she should have "stooped to conquer". It doesn't make you a fool., cos you have. Goal.

    The most painful of all is that even the so called hubby didn't even call @ all.

    If you want your marriage back. You hve to trace your steps, go back to your man and fix this on your knees with the ultimate Fixer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My mother is Oyinbo and I learnt the stoop to conquer from her. Look at any successful marriage and there is a lot of stooping to conquer...it is what Nigerians mistake as being dominated. You stoop to conquer because trying to prove a point almost never works with many people who feel you are attacking them.

      I know of an Oyinbo woman who after getting tired of begging her husband to come home early - started putting just enough fuel to last in the gen from 8pm to 10pm. One day her husband came home and was eating in the dark and overdosed on his meds. Ever since then her husband is home by 9pm latest.

      You dont fight many battles with might or force. You use your mind. Call it manipulation, but at the end of the day no one feels conftonted, and you get what you want...sometimes pife is that basic.

      www.pynk360.com

      Delete
  13. Had a married friend I admired.talk.to.me one day. She told me how when she had her first child mother in law came to.do omugwo. Mother in law came with her name.for the child insisting the parents drop other names... an ugly English name..lol. my friend said she replied yes ma.. thank you ma, the name is beautiful. Mother in law started sleeping in her matrimonial bed, husband was sleeping in guest room with the claims that she was taking care of baby... meanwhile according to my friend, unless her son was around she never touched or bathed the baby. she will wake up and ask for pounded yam in the morning when she's supposed to be cooking.. friend go pound yam. She will always want.to.intrude in their discussions..this continued for about 2months till my friend got fed.up and asked mother in law to.move to the guest room so husband can come back. Mother in law called family meeting that daughter in law was insulting her, even husband say in our custom.its an insult blah blah..Meeting day, after all said n done my friend was.given.a.chance to.explain herself which she did. Thank God husband has married sisters.. they couldn't believe my friend had slept apart from her hubby for about 3mnths n mother in law was camping in their room. They asked mother in law, mama are you witch? Mother in law was angry n said she was leaving, she packed everything in the house she liked including the throw pillows & left. When I asked my friend why she took everything, she said she wanted to complain from the onset when.her mom shut her up by asking, will she be in your house forever?? She decided to endure and today she has conquered. There is relative peace, sister in laws respect her for tolerating their mother. I learnt patience n tolerance. If you stoop.you will conquer. Poster learn biko! Choose your battles wisely. Mother in law was even nice n you couldn't reciprocate. If it were your mother will you get so upset?

    ReplyDelete
  14. You overreacted dear, even telling him to choose btw u and his mum.who does dat? If na u nko? Blood they say is thicker than water o...there is "Ex-wife" or former wife but no "ex mother or former mama

    ReplyDelete
  15. Marriage is not easy at all and i dont believe one should create long life problem where there is none.
    Firstly as a previous commenter said, the man has not 'left to cleave'to his wife. But oh woman, why use your hand to pack your load out of your matrimonial home where your mom in law did not give you trouble? why ask a man yo choose between you and his mother? you will be a mother too,will you be happy if your daughter in lae said that to your son?
    Mama why stay with them 2weeks after marriage,if we look at bible self, honeymoon is 1year! but i dont know the circumstances of her moving in
    Woman, be wise in your marriage. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance to deal with marriage. Go back to your matrimonial home and be wise! if you overeacted to this like this what will you do when faced with bigger issues? My dear marriage is continuous hardwork....
    Jackie

    ReplyDelete

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