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Open Letter Season! (Dear Fat People, and then The President...)

Dear Fat People,
Yesterday I found myself in a wellness company which, among many other things, manufactures/sells slimming tea. I sat with customer care and I was amused to find that their unit was the busiest in the office as the phones were ringing off the hook, just like I imagine an MTN call centre to be. Each minute there was a different caller calling to order packs and packs of slimming tea, hoping for a miracle. I smiled secretly as even I had already planned to purchase a few packs. Then I saw a pair of eyes widen as the caller on the other side of the phone seemed to have shocked her. The caller wanted to know if the tea could help her lose 50kg in two months because she's a size 28 and needs to lose weight ASAP. The young lady tried to explain that while the tea would surely enhance her weight loss, she would certainly need to do more. 
     Fat people, while we may be able to wish Osu away, we simply cannot wish fat away. Trust me, I would chair the "Wish Fat Away" committee if we could. But alas, we need to do more. If you're a size 28 then you even need to do MORE than others. See *Michelle below. Michelle was fat. Michelle knew that she needed to eat right and exercise if she wanted to stop being fat. So Michelle did just that and now has a banging body. Michelle is smart, let's be like Michelle.

And now my open letter to our dear president. 

Dear Mr President 
When you finally won the (2015) Presidential election, you instantly became a legend in the eyes of the people. An epitome of determination, tenacity and doggedness. People drew strength and inspiration from you. It therefore now befuddles the mind and disheartens the spirit, the thought that this prolonged desire to rule a country was merely a guised opportunity to witch-hunt, as some would ideate. While it had been a huge source of embarassment to the people of this country to hear our beloved Nigeria top the list of the most corrupt nations, and while we bemoaned our unfortunate existence as we watched our leaders stuff their coffers with monies meant for our betterment, if they could, many Nigerians would choose to have those days back. This situation is reminiscent of the Israelites who suffered slavery for years and begged for CHANGE but when a "saviour" came to the rescue, their lives were much worse off that they begged to be taken back to slavery. Dear Mr President I would love to see you transfer this same shrewd ferociousness which you use to combat corruption to the exploration and creation of other sources of revenue for the country, as that would be much more beneficial to us as a nation. We all know that oil is no longer the lifeline it used to be. 
     After all being said, I must let you know that I have so much faith in you. In fact I hope that just like the Israelites (sans the 40-year desert period), after grumbling, moaning and begging to be taken back, we would be ushered into our promised land and realize that all that we suffered was instrumental and necessary for our restoration and redemption. 


So there you have it. These are my open letters, any thoughts? But first let's read yours. The last time I had an open letter, it was to short people. And just like then, yours can be to any person, place or thing. I would particularly love to see open letters to a blog reader, difficult bosses, unfaithful Exs and friends; good or bad. But hey, you're free to do pen just about whatever you choose. I'm itching to read!


  1. *chuckles*.
    My open letter is to Christians and religious fanatics. I knw u all wanna make heaven and live in big mansion etc but remember, as Moses didn't enter the promised land,many of u might not make heaven, no matter how much u try(eye service or not).
    My point is,remember what Christ said in the Béatitude: Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth (not heaven).
    Love wld always remain the greatest commandment...thank you and God bless

    I remember another one, if the fruits of the Holy Spirit isn't a literal fruit like apple and orange, do u think the fruit from the tree of good and evil that Eve ate was a literal fruit? The Lord told Adam and Eve to be "fruitful and multiply". Do u get pregnant and multiply by eating literal fruits? I don't think so people.
    What am I trying to say in my open letter? Eve had sex before Adam...
    (I have more theories on who the real father of Cain is cld be but for now...)

    1. Eve had sex with the serpent. Then she had sex with Adam. Is that it?

    2. "...Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth (not heaven)..."

      "...Do you get pregnant and multiply by eating literal fruits?...Eve had sex before Adam...".


    3. Yes Kon, how else do u explain Cain having the evil heart to kill his twin brother Abel if not that he was the product of the "seed from the fruit" that Eve ate? We've all read of women who have twins who's biological father's are different? No?
      You are (all) welcome for this

    4. This is funny. Please stop.

      1) You dont have to be the devils's seed to kill your brother. White people do it all the time and they are not direct products of the "seed"

      2) How you take know sey them be twins from different biological fathers? Can this be proven or its just a theory?

      3) Eve did not have sex before Adam. The serpent opened her Eve's sense to sex. Then she went to Adam and had sex with him. She did not sex the serpent.

    5. I'm 'feeling' you


    6. Sasha bone this your theorem Na gidi gan ooo, well the bible said Adam sinned and it was through Adam that sin came to be so it must have being a threesome nigbayen oo.

    7. Sigh* problems with a lot of Nigerian Christians without the right foundation for their belief.

    8. Uyi, the foundation is intact, but like every owner of great buildings, one needs to continuously pre-examine his property and in the process, learn more about its civil structure.

      For instance, do you know that the Sun was created in the fourth day of Creation? Yet the Earth had DAY and NIGHT for 3 solid days prior to that day. "Let there be light". What light shown for 3 days prior to the creation of the Sun? Don't tell me it's the Light of GOD because that's the excusable explanation I've heard for years. There're very many "controversial" verses in the Holy Scriptures, and debating on them as Christians doesn't mean our foundation is weak. Even the Apostles doubted JESUS' ways many times but never wavered by HIS side...even after HE left them.

      Be blessed.

    9. Hope I am not one of the many Nigerian Christian ooo, cos my reply was a sarcastic oooo to show the faulty logic.
      Anyway the book of Genesis was a vision given to Moses by God, it is to meant to be taking literally ( remember Peter's vision)

    10. Aww

    11. Interesting.... something to ponder on

  2. Dear sister Christina

    We the single churchgoers would love to know about how you were able to pull off dating the
    Christian way and not having sexual knowledge of the man you are about to marry. You come for testimonies and you are the perfect christian couple. Please do share how you guys dated without sexual knowledge of each other.

  3. Dear sister Christina

    We the single churchgoers would love to know about how you were able to pull off dating the
    Christian way and not having sexual knowledge of the man you are about to marry. You come for testimonies and you are the perfect christian couple. Please do share how you guys dated without sexual knowledge of each other.

  4. Dear sister Christina

    We the single churchgoers would love to know about how you were able to pull off dating the
    Christian way and not having sexual knowledge of the man you are about to marry. You come for testimonies and you are the perfect christian couple. Please do share how you guys dated without sexual knowledge of each other.

  5. Dear sister Christina

    We the single churchgoers would love to know about how you were able to pull off dating the
    Christian way and not having sexual knowledge of the man you are about to marry. You come for testimonies and you are the perfect christian couple. Please do share how you guys dated without sexual knowledge of each other.

    1. I'm trying to decide if you're being sincere or sarcastic. I don't know sister Cynthia but I know many people, with grace and determination are able to have romantic relationships without sexual intercourse.

    2. Am actually serious. How is it possible to go on dates and sleep over at times and what would the night be like. Please do share. Know that attempts would be made but how do we change ttopic

  6. Dear boss God punish you for thinking you can use me and dump me. One day very soon I will get a new job and I will expose you. You took advantage of my naivety and you promised me that I will never regret dating you. I swear God will punish you.

    1. Eya... I feel bad for you.

    2. Kon why is it only the immoral things that you're drawn to? #just my observation

    3. Lmao,kon,u are finished. Lol,see as them don give u name.

    4. How is this immoral? The lady is pained and Im feeling her pain.

    5. I wonder... Kon is only feeling her pain.

      Or you just wanted to say this all along, looking for the 'right' moment that didn't come but u just couldn't hold on to it anymore

  7. Dearest 2016. You must restore to me very fast all that I have lost maritally and financially. This year will be a better and greater year for me. In this year, I will have all round peace. No more struggling. No more tears, no more eating from hand to mouth. No more shame. All round blessings. Who ever that is hijacking my speedy answer,the fire and thunder of God will smash them fast. 2016, you will bring only good news to me. I will be amongst the people that will host TTB get together this year in my base.

    1. AMEN! From your mouth to God's ears sister.

  8. Dear job/Oga/9-5

    I hate you.


  9. Size 28? OMG and I'm here crying over my size 14 body.

    1. Hahajhajahjajah,we are.both in d same shoes,I can't wait to hit size 8 or 10 biko,my size 14 I don't want.

  10. Dear so called friends, why love to betray those who trust u and entrust their secrets with u?why do u get jealous because u don't have a sweet relationship like others,why do u do the unthinkable all in the name of getting hooked? To all who do these stuffs,expect your karma soon,its the first blessing 2016 will shower you with.
    2. Dear self why do u trust people so much, why do u keep an open heart to people even when it's obvious that their love for you is questionable? I hope u have learnt your lessons in the year 2015 and quit trusting people.
    3. Dear God, in know u see all,make 2016 a better year for me,open my eyes yo discover your purpose for my life,help me to discover that which you have brought me to the world to do, make 2016a great year for me,a year like never before,grant me testimonies that will shake the earth and also be a point of contact to souls knowing you. This and many more I ask and I know u will harken to my request.

    1. My dear once a secret is shared it's no longer a secret. If you couldn't keep it to yourself why do you expect that someone else would keep it for you? Be guided o!

    2. Hahahaahah T baby,I Am more than guided now,lessons learnt. E hugs.

    3. Gbam! If you couldn't keep it to yourself how do you expect someone else to keep it for you? This is a great lesson.

  11. Dear God, pls let 2016 be a very good year for me, no matter what happens pls do not forsake. I am expectant Lord, before my birthday pls show up for me.

    1. Imaobong I think a better prayer is "I am expectant, thank you for not forsaking me". It is well hun.

  12. Dear God....

    I know your plans for me are of good and not of evil, with the all pressing goal of bringing me to my much expected end... Yet I sometimes weary of waiting for the earnest manifestation of this good. 2016 feels like the perfect time for you to show off in my life, please make it a year to remember for good.

    Dear Family... I love you all, I really do. But sometimes I wish we all were strangers and I didn't have to cope with some excesses that some of you feel entitled to hand out.

    Dear me.... Get out of that comfort zone and do something unusual! Drop a rap single, sign up for ballet, kiss a girl, build an atomic bomb, just do something! All that thinking, without expression might just drive you crazy some day.

    Yours truly

    1. Buby, your last paragraph though, lol.

    2. All that thinking without expression; very dangerous. And to think that the only one stoping you is you...

    3. @T,Buby's last paragraph is So me,sometimes its so crazy and annoying living the same way daily,no fun thing,u have dos ideas but I exploit them,mbanu,why is it like that? Is that act of being dumb, lazy or just clueless, because it's really baffling. I need answers biko because 2016 can't be like this.

  13. Letter two...

    I remember when Chrisyinks was lamenting last year when Buhari was just elected, that he should hit the ground running in terms of arrests as he(Chris) just can't wait to see them behind bars. He's a Nigerian, I'm sure he's witnessing that.

    You are a Nigerian and you want what you want, but know this, you can't build a beautiful house with flowers and green gardens etc. on top a house with cracked woods and ant-eaten foundation.
    So your valid reasoning that he should not 'witch-hunt' is rather invalid as he's actually not 'witch-hunting' but setting the right foundation for those things you are asking for.

  14. Dear God, i never expected that i will be expecting another a baby in 2016, am grateful for this bundle of joy, but please make me strong to do all i have plan for this year.. and when my bundle of joy comes make him a perfect little boy. Thanks

  15. Dear Body,
    2015 was our year. You lost so much weight in 9 months, it was unbelievable and everyone admired your new shape. You started sharing sunshine's gowns and skirts.. those very fine ones you couldn't fit into before. You rocked them so well...sunshine was green with envy! But all of a sudden, December came and everything changed! You put on all the weight it took you 9 months to lose! in 1 month you gained it back! I didn't even think that was possible until it happened. Now you're back where you started... you need to map out a better plan/way to shed this weight. you need to eat healthier and exercise more. No more depending on retreats to lose weight. You need to do this the right way this time.

    Yours truly,

    1. "You put on all the weight it took you 9 months to lose!" I can relate, unfortunately...

  16. Dear Thelma,
    I still await you beautiful, captivating, suspense filled short stories. Can you make it at least once in a month. Or once in a week. so we just know on Thursdays/3rd Thursday in the month, that's what we should expect. Or just surprise us! It can be anytime.
    It doesn't have to be only you writing these stories. i know you always say submissions are welcome. And I hope people turn up.

    Dear Anonymous Rider...
    Wherever you are.. please comment more often. I miss you.

    Yours sincerely,

    1. Aha!!! "Submissions are welcome" have turned me into broken record yet my creative blog readers wouldn't cooperate, unless there's a giveaway attached and that's just not cool. Secondly Kabuoy I miss the short suspense filled stories more than anyone else. But it so happens that my mind has a mind of its own. I have begged, pleaded, prayed, persuaded and even bribed it to create but it's yet to budge. I'm working on it. I've done some writing but I know it can do better. Soon though, so help me God.

  17. Shall I shy for ttb. Let me write this open letter abeg.
    Dear future bae,
    Wherever you are come out now because something else will take you from my priority list.
    Dear self,
    You have to learn to make yourself fun. No to boredom this year. OK.
    Dear friends,
    Why are you so far off? I don't have friends in my area.
    Dear TTb,
    I would try to comment more but sometimes I find it awkward to do.

    1. Awkward? Why exactly? You know you can always go the Anonymous route, right? And yes you should do fun things, I should too. As for Bae just keep praying about it and ensure that you're doing your own part to be found by him.

  18. It's not about people knowing it's me. I have just not been able to get it into my head that we write this days. My chats are just as bad. I answer with one word answers. If this were to be a group though, where we meet physically, I'm sure I would talk the most. I would just have to improve.

  19. The lady in the picture able tried very much o! Losing weight, including belly fat and building muscles in less than two years.

  20. Dear 3 squatters in my room, I am a very impatient, 'can't tolerate anybody's infringement of my personal space' person. Yet I have been very calm, keeping all my anger to myself, in fact trying not to be angry at all cos I want to be a better person. Yet you still make it difficult to enter my corner, or sleep on my bed and not lay it, or even hang my bag with one hand. Dear 3 squatters most importantly you that wriggled your way into this room, you are running me very mad. I had too practically cry the whole of the worship session last Sunday before I could find my peace. I'm trying to be considerate as unilag hasn't giving you hostel space. One day I just might stop.
    Dear 400l, can you be over already. Can't you see my mates are preparing for service? And I'm just tired of all this signatures I have to get.
    Dear U.S., be nice and fun to me when I come. Don't let all my days be spent indoors, as I know not where to go.
    Dear God, you know that I love you albeit not as much as you love. Continue your work in transforming me to be like you. Don't let it enter my head that I'm frustrating you too much and need to leave. Hold me so tight that your essence is infused into me. Make me like you. The good work you've started in my home let it not end.
    Dear self, know where to direct your anger to. Ranting is good for your calming down but never rant such that the person you're ranting to feels bad. Don't lose focus of your goal or doubt yourself. Be amazingly awesome as only you can be.
    Dear Thelma thinks blog, the reason I don't comment is cos most times I'm too lazy to switch from my uc browser to chrome and plenty times I don't have something to say or what I want to say has already been said.
    Dear hand, hope your long typing shall not go to waste, will anyone come back to read this comment, its been 2 days already. Anyways, like you said ranting is good for you. Xoxo

    1. Not a waste

    2. It wasn't in vain ooo! I said Amen to most of your prayers and then I said them for myself. Thanks a million


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Good morning people! 
Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
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Hey guys, a while back blog reader F said something about creating an Open Keypad post, where you can write whatever you want in the comment section. I thought it was a fun idea!
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(F it was you who made this suggestion, right? I'm not too sure and I can't even remember the post the comment was made on). 
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