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Where's The Line In Non-Sexual Romantic Relationships?

Being chaste/celibate/abstinent is easy when you're alone. It's almost one of the simplest things to do, only quite difficult if you're one of those people that truly enjoy sex, more than the average person and need it to function (all y'all that get cranky when you don't get any for a few weeks). But even at that, it's quite easy, especially as opposed to when you find yourself with someone. 

It's still easy in the early days when you're going on dates. But when feelings begin to grow and it's mutual, and you guys take that step from casual dating to exclusive relationship, these dates are no longer enough, you want more! Besides, going on dates tend to cost money, so why waste all that money when we can stay at home and have a nice time, yes?

And that's when it starts to get hard. I mean, you probably only went to KFC or Silverbird or the beach. And even though you both wanted to, it was easy to keep your hands off each other with all those people milling around. But when you've come to this point of exclusivity and growing affection and you start to spend more time indoors than outdoors, that's when ish gets real and you're really put to the test. 

For a sexually active couple this is all gravy. But what happens when you're both religious, perhaps (good) Christians who have promised to "wait"?

I had a long conversation with a blog reader yesterday and she raised several questions. First, she wanted to know if a couple who have had their traditional marriage but are yet to wed in the church and at the registry are free to indulge in sexual relations. You know how on the night of the trad the bride goes home with the groom and his family and they are now married by tradition and are thus free to consummate.... But are the really free to consummate?

Some couples don't wed in the church for several months after their traditional marriage? Are they "sinning" if they shag or is it ok as they're married?

She also wanted to know where (christian) couples who are waiting draw the line. Fornication is essentially premarital sex. Sex is intercourse, yes? So does it mean that they're free to kiss, touch, fondle, suck, stroke and have even oral sex, provided there's no actual intercourse? And if not then where does one draw the line? (And we know you might be tempted to say it's sin as long as they think about it, but let's be real thinking about something and acting it out are two different things. Besides, who doesn't think about sex?)

Do you draw it as kissing or fondling? What exactly happens guys?

Please share your thoughts, especially if you've been or are presently in those shoes. 


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  1. Once you're married in traditionally you're married in the eyes of God. After all traditional wedding was the only type of wedding that was done in the Bible, which happens at the bride's father's house. Did you ever hear of anyone getting married in the church in the Bible?

    1. Errm..abeg I wan ask kwesion

      If, according to this analysis, traditional marriage is recognized by GOD, why do millions of Nigerians/Africans still go for a *second* marriage in the religious institutions?

      Ps: please this isn't a statement to mock our tradition. My question is asked with an open mind so please help a brother with an open minded answer. Thanks and GOD bless.

    2. Gbam.... Memphis we in Africa are very religious people.... Plus have you considered people who don't have families after all the church should be an extension of our family. But seriously tho, the bible says a man shall leave his father and mothers house. The giving out of the child by the parents in itself is a very religious act.

    3. Memphis, Anonymous is right. Infact, of the 3 types of weddings, the customary(traditional) wedding is the most recoginsed. The only reason for the church wedding is pastoral blessing and thats why you dont need a big church wedding, if you kneel in your pastor's office and he blesses your union right after court, dats all u need.

    4. In other words, one can have multiple marriage rites with the same person?

    5. @Memphis, I think people like the other marriage ceremonies (1) Because of the legal backing. (2) Because of our religious sentiment/ believes. But if we want to follow the biblical injunction, paying of bride price (which is only done in tradition wedding) is the recognized marriage rites in the Bible.

  2. If a couple do all traditional rights, they are free to consummate in my own opinion.

    To friends dating whom have chosen to wait till marriage, they are better of outdoors from experience, again all forms of fondling, stroking, sucking, and oral sex is Sin against the body, as they are meant to glorify God with their body. Infact with all the sucking and orals wetin remain sef?

    A light kiss on the cheek or lips wouldn't hurt and is okay. N.B not the easah kinda kiss though.

    As a woman who is only human, definitely thoughts of intimacy would come once in a while( not necessarily sex) but the will and grace game to shove it off is stronger. #Konji na bad thing finally.

    1. What the first Anonymous, Blink and Kabuoy said.

  3. I don't o!!!!(think about sex) loooool!

    About the sex after traditional wedding. It depends on the couple. Most Christian couples I know wait til after the white wedding because they want it to be sealed by God(pastoral blessing).
    So I think it depends on the people in question and what they believe.

    As for where to draw the line. Oral sex is SEX. I don't know why people don't see it as that. I think we all know that it is not until the penis enters the vagina that fornication has taken place. And yes Thelma... Believe it or not. Your thoughts count. Jesus himself said it. Matt 5:28.
    So because we think about sex... Doesn't make it okay. That's why you should filter your thoughts as much as you can to guard against it. Someone even suggested not watching my romance movies but ha! It is well. Lol

    The safe path is to flee from all "appearances".... Why start what you can't finish. After all the kissing and touching... You can't do the real thing so why torture yourself. what's the rush all about. Patience is a fruit of the spirit. You'll still have sex till you're tired so just kukuma wait till then.
    Then you can have sex whenever and however you want albeit in a "Godly" way. Lol... Cuz some styles I hear these days are surely from the pit of hell.... e.g pegging.

    1. Lol and what in Jehova's name is pegging?
      Now don't tell me you can't explain well,please do tell.

    2. Hmmm? Have sex in a "godly" way? Kabuoy...we need explanation to that biko.

    3. But Kabuoy, sebi the bible said marriage is honorable in a and the bed undefiled.... Doesn't it mean whatsoever a married couple do is their business

    4. Lmaoo.... Aramide! You want to rope me abi?! Mba! I heard/read about pegging the same way you're reading about it too oooo. Lmao! I then went to do my "research" Loooool! You should do the same. It is rated 18. I don't want Thelma to start censoring my comments.

      But Memphis you know that every good thing God created, the devil has really tried to either bastardize or make mockery of it. Because how else do you explain pegging and all the ones we don't even know about. It's just really sad you know. People have taken this sex thing to the extreme and would say in the confines of marriage, you can do whatever you want. Haba?! But what do I know? I'm not even married.

    5. Dear Iyanu,
      Kindly read the below versions of the scripture you quoted and tell me how it translates to "whatsoever a married couple do is their business"

      Hebrews 13:4
      Parallel Verses
      New International Version
      Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

      New Living Translation
      Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

      English Standard Version
      Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

      Berean Study Bible
      Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers.

    6. Lmao. Kabuoy I just decided to google this "pegging" and what I was me personally. But that's the point, that I find it ridiculous doesn't mean someone will agree, it doesn't necessarily mean there's a godly or devilish kind of sexual act so long as it's with your legal partner. So whether it's pegging, flying, hanging, chasing, driving,'s just sex. Some couples are seriously very incapable of even the popular (and godly) missionary style, what do we suggest they do? They deserve to have a fulfilling marriage, okwaya?

    7. Kabuoy, I actually had to google this pegging and i found it very ridiculous...who comes up with all these ehn..
      I believe when you are married traditionally,you should be able to consumate it if that is the only wedding ceremony you intend to do. But if you plan on doing trad,church,registry,just wait till all is over before consumating.
      For waiting couple, it is definetely not easy. but they have to have patience and self control,no matter how the body goes on fire,look at the bigger picture,once married you get to do it all as you want without guilt.

  4. In my place of worship, a couple can decide to start living together after their traditional wedding but no church/white wedding for them because the white dress signifies purity and since intimacy have taken place, she is no longer pure per say to wear the wedding dress. So they are advised to do both the traditional and church/white wedding before moving in together.

    Also to avoid sex of any kind, everything is done within the space of three months i.e courtship, weddings and all others. So before a man starts showing interest in a lady, he should have his finances sorted out so as to be able to meet up with the three months deadline.

    BTW, we marry within ourselves like JW so that explains it.

    1. I second Hope N's view on the issue discussed. I don't think kissing equals sex, unsure if fondling equals to sex.

  5. Sex after one's traditional marriage is no sin. However some couple might decide to wait for the church blessing,their choice. Celibacy is one of the hardest things to do. Any form of sexual practice is sex not only penetration.

  6. Sex before the church wedding is wrong that is why the dates should be very close. No long courtship, it brings about orisirisi (all sorts).

    For the bed to be undefiled, let all the ceremonies be completed before sex.

    Fondling, kissing, necking etc are all sins. Avoid it. Don't touch it, don't smell it. It's dangerous. It can burn

    1. Hehheehheee! We hear you loud and clear ma! Looool

  7. Sex before the church wedding is wrong that is why the dates should be very close. No long courtship, it brings about orisirisi (all sorts).

    For the bed to be undefiled, let all the ceremonies be completed before sex.

    Fondling, kissing, necking etc are all sins. Avoid it. Don't touch it, don't smell it. It's dangerous. It can burn

  8. Glorification of sex everywhere...


    If u want to do... Do. And accept responsibility for your action.

    If u don't want to do, don't. And be proud of your actions (in secret). Yeah?


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