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I Wasn't Forced, But I Didn't Consent. Was I Raped?

I’m a 23-year-old working woman who is madly in love with her 27-year-old working man with whom I’ve been with for over three years. 
One day, I went out with my friends and I drunk more alcohol than I was suppose to. Once I came home, I started to get sick and passed out. In the middle of the night, my boyfriend woke me up and told me to clean myself up. Confused, I asked him why. He says because we just had sex. Of course, I had no knowledge of it because I passed out because of the late night drinking. 
The next morning, I asked what happened the night before. He says that he came home, saw me in bed and wanted to have sex. He said I didn’t move or talk but just thought I was really tired. (Even though there was a tall trashcan right beside the bed and apparently my head was halfway in it). Would you consider this a sexual assault? How can I tell him without hurting him, or scaring him to think that I’m labeling him as a “rapist".

An obviously confounded young woman sent the above mail to Steve Harvey. His response has landed him in some soup as he's being put on blast for his "advice". 

Steve's advice:
"This is kinda a tough one for a man to answer because we've all done this. Tried it anyway. All of us. I done actually tried to Army climb from up from under the bed trying to get to it...We've all tried it. It's called the sneak-attack...
Y'all live together. He told you what he did. He woke you up to make sure you got cleaned up. He told you what he did. A person who did something that they think is really wrong is usually in denial about it. Did he rape you in my estimation - NO. Because you all have had [sex]."
    Merriam-Webster defines rape as unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent.   

    I read the mail and Steve Harvey's response last night and I woke up still wondering about it. Was it rape? Was it just sex with a sleeping lover? In her shoes would I feel molested? Would I feel violated? After all they're a sexually active couple, right? So it wasn't wrong, right? But shouldn't he have waited till she was conscious of what was going on? Is Steve Harvey's advice twisted? Or have all men really done or tried to do this with their women, or is her man a rapist? If my lover does this to me, was I raped? Would this scenario be actionable (in court)?

    If I were to be honest with myself, my thinking leans more towards Steve Harvey's reply, but maybe there's a reason people reponded with outrage. Did his advise infuriate you or do you see reason with him? Do tell. 


    1. I do not agree with Steve Harvey, though I may not scream rape at my boyfriend but I will give him a stern warning never to repeat such. The key is consent (if the person is not underage) and such consent must not be obtained by a threat or undue influence.

      What kind of sex do you want to have with someone that passed out? it's all shades of wrong.If we go with Steve's analogy that since they have had sex before it is ok, then a boyfriend can force himself on his girlfriend any day anytime and that will be ok just because they have had consensual sex before....right? J

    2. That says a lot about that guy. He could wake her up to clean up but not before the sex?

      1. What if he woke her up and he thought she stayed awake? Who if she lay like a log all through and he was frustrated which his why he woke her up the second time to demand she clean up herself? So many what it's ... Only they know the true story

    3. Lol. This is what happens when we confuse right from wrong. Now Steve Harvey doesn't know what rape is. She drank excessively and passed out hence she was logically incapable of giving any kind of consent. Steve Harvey says "We've all done that". Who's he referring to biko? Lmao. How can anyone take advantage of a Knocked-out partner and justify it? Wow...

      Well, "Love Won" a couple of months ago, and with what I just saw, it will keep on winning.

    4. I love to wake my wife up with a head and have asked her to do same. She absolutely loves it when i do it to her. If she is sleeping and I give her a head, have I violated her. I believe the woman should park well joor. If she wants to end the relationship, she should, if not she should let things slide.
      ***Anonymous from he who loved the cup cakes.

      1. hmmmmmm, this is a very different scenario Mr. though IMO, she wasnt raped too.cos she could have responded subconsciously. few men would want to lay with a dead woman. most men love to get their partners drunk we all know that. and d rest is history cos its either u r tipsy, totally drunk or u pass out. he probably dint even have sex with her. he probably woke her up to clean up her messed up face and clothes or something since her head was halfway through a trash can and gave her that silly ans when she asked the silly question. my boo can ans like that likewise myself. next time lady drink responsible.NEXT!

    5. My problem with this is that he said we've all done it. He should've just gone ahead to drop his point rather than imposing his sexual misconduct on every order man, that way I would've put in more effort to reason with him.

    6. She was not raped.

      Steve is on track.

      Twist scenario: I ask my GF for sex, she says she is not in the mood. I vex and threaten to break up with her. She now just turns her back side to me while laying flast on the bed and says do what you want. I forcefully put me D in because she is dry like wood. I have my way and she doesnt move, infact she feels pain and starts crying. I finish and move on..Is that rape?

      Women need to calm down.


      1. Your twist... No that is not rape. She consented to it... Shes just a girl with really low self esteem who needs God (equals love) in her life.

      2. But Steve is not on track. If we've been having sex everyday for the whole year and on Christmas day I say no sex, If your prick as much as touches my body it is rape. A woman has the right to do what she wants with a body, a man also. But the man cannot decide for the woman, its that simple

    7. I don't think she was raped ooo.My opinion.morever both of dem are sexually active.u guys should realise dat she might have been a willing participant but couldn't remember due to her state?

    8. The dude raped her, period. The fact that they've had sex before is irrelevant; as long as she was incapable of giving consent, he raped her. I remember when I was taking marriage prep classes, the priest expressly told us if your spouse has sex with you when you are asleep, you have been raped.
      As for Kon, your comment sha. May God deliver our daughters from men who think like you.

    9. No I don't think that was rape. But i think Steve's analogy was wrong. I also wouldn't like it if people water down rape so much that actual victims no longer matter. We girls should get a grip on ourselves jare. As for the babe she can easily tell her boyfriend that she doesn't like it and that he should never try it again

    10. Also the both of them are sexually active analogy is very silly abeg. Have you guys not heard if marital rape? If we can have rape in the confines of marriage why can't we have in a dating relationship?

    11. Lemme even tell you a story.. When we were doing extension in my secondary school for junior neco, the js3 students and ss3 were alone in school. My roommate will steal my provision( I know this because she was the only other person that had my box key). When I asked her, she said she woke me up to ask me if she could take it. Can you imagine?? And it was not just me she did it to. She even did it to seniors. She would wake you up in the middle of the night to ask for provision. How can you give a proper answer when you're deep in REM sleep. And I'm sure she didn't even ask all of us, just claimed that she asked...
      How does this story connect to the rape story? Just as I could not fault my roommate for taking my provision, she can't fault her boyfriend. But I could warn her to never wake me up in the middle of the night to ask me for anything, she can warn her boyfriend to never have sex with her when she's semi-unconcious. I rest my case

    12. Ds is quite a tough one. If it's a sexually active relationship, den I may agree dat it aint rape esp if d girl has neva denied d guy of Steve Harvey's cookie wen he asks. But if it's not one, and d girl has been particular abt not having SEX den I beg ur pardon, ds is all shades of RAPE. But really? Dd he he enjoy just pounding away on an unconscious/sleeping person? Nawaoo
      Make I leave ds thrash for Lawma sha


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