The roller coaster ride that's me.
It was the second time in barely one week he was picking up his things and walking out on me.
"Wait! You're leaving again? Is this the new one you've learnt"
"I'll call you in the morning, I need to go". The clanging of the car keys in his hand was unusually loud
"Aii. Shut the door behind you". I looked the other way, feigning indifference, hoping he would get back on the sofa, hold my hands and say he wasn't going anywhere. The slam of the door shook me and brought me back to reality and my eyes began to smart as the tears rolled down.
An hour later, I couldn't take it anymore. I called. "Where are you? What's this about?".
"Err, I'm still in the packing lot. I actually left my house keys upstairs" he chuckled sheepishly. "I just didn't want to come back so I've been sitting in my car since".
I convinced him to come back up, come and stay, let's talk this through, let's work through it.
We talked, I apologized and all was well in the world again.
I woke up bright and sunny to find him fixated on his MacBook, it's Monday after all and money's got to be made. Still, I was basking in a euphoric bubble. "I love love love you" I said kissing him all over his face, to steady me he took my face in his hands and kissed my lips firmly, yet oh so gently I started to feel stirrings between my thighs. Oh don't worry about morning breath, we crossed that milestone months ago.
"You slept well?" He asked.
I nodded happily and kissed him again. He held me for a bit and then he jumped off the bed to pee. Kissing me just one more time before he left.
A few minutes later he got back into bed with outstretched arms to grab me, but then with confusion in his eyes, he recoiled.
"Whats wrong?" He was baffled.
I snorted and turned the other way.
"What's wrong?" He asked again. I got off the bed and walked away.
"Whats wrong?" He asked as I put some water in the kettle for coffee but he might have as well been talking to the walls, I had blanked him out.
While the water boiled I went to brush my teeth, I came out to see him drinking coffee and I began to stew. I put that water for me. ME. Why was he drinking MY coffee with MY water from MY kettle?
My eyes burned holes through the mug and with fear in his eyes and panick in his voice he asked me "Nwando, what is wrong?"
"Nothing". My voice was flat and cold.
He took one final gulp and jumped off the bed. Hurriedly he stuffed his laptop in its bag, hustled into his basketball shorts, slid fast feet into palm slippers, grabbed car keys and soon, with his hands on the doorknob he said, "Err, I'll call you..."
"What are you doing! Where are you going???"
"I need to go and get ready for work" his voice was a whisper
"Oh, this has become a regular thing now, right? Any little thing now, you run? When did this one start?" I challenged him.
"I. Just. Need. To. Go" his voice was leveled, he was trying to stay calm and get the hell away from me as fast as possible.
"Why?" At this point he knew that I didn't want him to leave, resignedly he perched at the edge of the bed and said "I really love you. I love you so much, you know it. But... I cannot keep doing this. I cannot handle your moods. I don't know when you're up or when you're down, and when you're down, you're down! When you're in that mood I want to leave. I leave because I try to bring you out of it but your wall is too thick and I can't penetrate it. And if I can't bring you out of it then you pull me into it. You suck me into your sadness and I don't want that. My happiness means so much to me, I cannot toy with it. When I allow myself to get sucked in and we both become miserable, what good does that do either of us?"
His words stung.
I couldn't fault him, however. I'd become the one, infamous for the infamous mood swings, the one who sometimes carries a dark cloud with her where she goes, blotting out the sunshine and soaking up everyone in her path in her dark wet cloud.
Immediately images of last week flashed through my mind.
We were having drinks. Him, his friends and I. I had to spend some time at the ATM and when I got to the lounge I met a table of merry makers. Something set me off and immediately the dark cloud appeared. My frown singlehandedly drowned out all the laughter and happiness from the table. Bunmi the ever happy, ever bubbly lady tried to cheer me up but I snarled, baring fangs at her good naturedness and instantly her face went sad. This is the first time I'd ever seen Bunmi frown and it was because of me. I noted this with a bit of shame but I couldn't help myself.
Suddenly the table went dark; silence and uneasiness lingered, and everyone looked at me regretfully. I could read their minds, I knew they wished I wasn't there.
"Let's play a game guys. Nwando you're first!" Someone said, trying to restore the joy that I took and pull me out of the funk but I sunk further into my chair with a baleful look on my face.
"You're such a kill joy Nwando" I heard a voice say casually.
It wasn't said to hurt me or to spite me. It wasn't a joke or a tease. It was simple fact. I was being a kill joy...
"It's Monday morning and I don't want to get pulled in. I cannot start my week this way, it will spoil too many things for me. Maybe I'll see you later?" He was saying, making to leave again.
And for the umpteenth time I cursed at this thing that's been a familiar foe all my life. This burden called mood swings. Tearfully I tried to explain to him. I apologized and told him he had every right to want to leave, to not want to get sucked in, I wouldn't either.
How could I explain that this is something that I have very little control over? Something that visits unannounced and stays for as long as it pleases? Something that overrides my good intentions and inherent goodness and makes me appear to be a sadistic bitch? A cup I'd thought had passed me by a long time ago but recently started to rare her ugly head.
As he listened he could see the sincerity in my eyes, his were filled with empathy and compassion.
"See, when you're feeling this way just let me know. Don't shut me out. Babes I love you and I spend everyday wondering what more I can do to make you happy. When you start feeling this way just say it out and let's take it from there". He said.
Relief swept over me and i immediately made a decision. I may have no control over mood swings but I'm going to fight it. I'm going to make a conscious effort to fight it with as much ferocity with which it attacks me. I'm no longer going to wallow in this 'condition', make excuses for my bad behavior and expect the world to understand that "I have moodswings". And no, I'm not bipolar (before you ask). This thing that has made me enemies and cost me friends. With all that's in me, I'm going to fight this and no longer would they say I behave like Ogbanje. LOL. #SoHelpMeGod.
So anyone else dealing with mood swings, or having to deal with someone with mood swings? Care to talk about it?