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A Familiar Foe.




The roller coaster ride that's me. 

It was the second time in barely one week he was picking up his things and walking out on me. 

"Wait! You're leaving again? Is this the new one you've learnt"

"I'll call you in the morning, I need to go". The clanging of the car keys in his hand was unusually loud

"Aii. Shut the door behind you". I looked the other way, feigning indifference, hoping he would get back on the sofa, hold my hands and say he wasn't going anywhere. The slam of the door shook me and brought me back to reality and my eyes began to smart as the tears rolled down. 

An hour later, I couldn't take it anymore. I called. "Where are you? What's this about?". 

"Err, I'm still in the packing lot. I actually left my house keys upstairs" he chuckled sheepishly. "I just didn't want to come back so I've been sitting in my car since". 

I convinced him to come back up, come and stay, let's talk this through, let's work through it. 

We talked, I apologized and all was well in the world again. 

I woke up bright and sunny to find him fixated on his MacBook, it's Monday after all and money's got to be made. Still, I was basking in a euphoric bubble. "I love love love you" I said kissing him all over his face, to steady me he took my face in his hands and kissed my lips firmly, yet oh so gently I started to feel stirrings between my thighs. Oh don't worry about morning breath, we crossed that milestone months ago. 

"You slept well?" He asked. 

I nodded happily and kissed him again. He held me for a bit and then he jumped off the bed to pee. Kissing me just one more time before he left. 

A few minutes later he got back into bed with outstretched arms to grab me, but then with confusion in his eyes, he recoiled. 

"Whats wrong?" He was baffled. 

I snorted and turned the other way. 

"What's wrong?" He asked again. I got off the bed and walked away. 

"Whats wrong?" He asked as I put some water in the kettle for coffee but he might have as well been talking to the walls, I had blanked him out. 

While the water boiled I went to brush my teeth, I came out to see him drinking coffee and I began to stew. I put that water for me. ME. Why was he drinking MY coffee with MY water from MY kettle?

My eyes burned holes through the mug and with fear in his eyes and panick in his voice he asked me "Nwando, what is wrong?"  

"Nothing". My voice was flat and cold. 

He took one final gulp and jumped off the bed. Hurriedly he stuffed his laptop in its bag, hustled into his basketball shorts, slid fast feet into palm slippers, grabbed car keys and soon, with his hands on the doorknob he said, "Err, I'll call you..."

"What are you doing! Where are you going???" 

"I need to go and get ready for work" his voice was a whisper

"Oh, this has become a regular thing now, right? Any little thing now, you run? When did this one start?" I challenged him. 

"I. Just. Need. To. Go" his voice was leveled, he was trying to stay calm and get the hell away from me as fast as possible. 

"Why?" At this point he knew that I didn't want him to leave, resignedly he perched at the edge of the bed and said "I really love you. I love you so much, you know it. But... I cannot keep doing this. I cannot handle your moods. I don't know when you're up or when you're down, and when you're down, you're down! When you're in that mood I want to leave. I leave because I try to bring you out of it but your wall is too thick and I can't penetrate it. And if I can't bring you out of it then you pull me into it. You suck me into your sadness and I don't want that. My happiness means so much to me, I cannot toy with it. When I allow myself to get sucked in and we both become miserable, what good does that do either of us?"

His words stung. 

I couldn't fault him, however. I'd become the one, infamous for the infamous mood swings, the one who sometimes carries a dark cloud with her where she goes, blotting out the sunshine and soaking up everyone in her path in her dark wet cloud. 

Immediately images of last week flashed through my mind. 

We were having drinks. Him, his friends and I. I had to spend some time at the ATM and when I got to the lounge I met a table of merry makers. Something set me off and immediately the dark cloud appeared. My frown singlehandedly drowned out all the laughter and happiness from the table. Bunmi the ever happy, ever bubbly lady tried to cheer me up but I snarled, baring fangs at her good naturedness and instantly her face went sad. This is the first time I'd ever seen Bunmi frown and it was because of me. I noted this with a bit of shame but I couldn't help myself.  

Suddenly the table went dark; silence and uneasiness lingered, and everyone looked at me regretfully. I could read their minds, I knew they wished I wasn't there. 

"Let's play a game guys. Nwando you're first!" Someone said, trying to restore the joy that I took and pull me out of the funk but I sunk further into my chair with a baleful look on my face. 

"You're such a kill joy Nwando" I heard a voice say casually. 

It wasn't said to hurt me or to spite me. It wasn't a joke or a tease. It was simple fact. I was being a kill joy...


"It's Monday morning and I don't want to get pulled in. I cannot start my week this way, it will spoil too many things for me. Maybe I'll see you later?" He was saying, making to leave again. 

And for the umpteenth time I cursed at this thing that's been a familiar foe all my life. This burden called mood swings. Tearfully I tried to explain to him. I apologized and told him he had every right to want to leave, to not want to get sucked in, I wouldn't either. 



How could I explain that this is something that I have very little control over? Something that visits unannounced and stays for as long as it pleases? Something that overrides my good intentions and inherent goodness and makes me appear to be a sadistic bitch? A cup I'd thought had passed me by a long time ago but recently started to rare her ugly head. 

As he listened he could see the sincerity in my eyes, his were filled with empathy and compassion.

"See, when you're feeling this way just let me know. Don't shut me out. Babes I love you and I spend everyday wondering what more I can do to make you happy. When you start feeling this way just say it out and let's take it from there". He said. 

Relief swept over me and i immediately made a decision. I may have no control over mood swings but I'm going to fight it. I'm going to make a conscious effort to fight it with as much ferocity with which it attacks me. I'm no longer going to wallow in this 'condition', make excuses for my bad behavior and expect the world to understand that "I have moodswings". And no, I'm not bipolar (before you ask). This thing that has made me enemies and cost me friends. With all that's in me, I'm going to fight this and no longer would they say I behave like Ogbanje. LOL. #SoHelpMeGod.


***
So anyone else dealing with mood swings, or having to deal with someone with mood swings? Care to talk about it? 

Comments

  1. I use to, until a friend started acting like me. Initially, When I have my mood swing he will try and pull me out, but he realised the harder he try, the deeper I get into the bad mood. So he stopped trying, instead he will find a way and leave me alone by myself during the period. But whenever I am happy, he will form mood swing and it really do affect me, I had to work harder on my mood swing because he thought me what he was going thru whenever I am under the mood swing spell. And believe me I don't like that experience. Thank God now am better in controlling my mood. You can do same too sis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I have friends with mood swings too and they can be really difficult to be around so I know what being on the receiving end feels like too. It's really not a good feeling.

      Delete
  2. i can relate with this story.. mine i guess was as a result of focusing more on what i dont have than on what i have (my blessings). it really comes as a thick dark cloud and at that point nobody wants to be around u, so its normal that ur man would want to leave u at that point. Even if he was ur husband, i tell u he will excuse u so long as u are in that foul mood. So my dear, its not very easy but u really need to work on it. Its good u are willing to change so it becomes easier. You should have an idea of what puts u in that mood and try to focus on the opposite. It worked for me... look on the brighter side of life, cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Long, couldn't finish reading it. Don't worry I read peter okoye's interview. It was longer. I just couldn't continue at some point with this one.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It is not above your control, i am sorry about how i will sound but it is not beyond your control, it started and you accepted it as your nature. I am going all preacher on you please pardon me. First dissociate moid swings as who you are, take conscious effort, confess the scriptures, dont reject the arms of loved ones. Just my opinion

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot. When I got towards the last paragraph it occured to me that I've been indeed associating mood swings with who I am. Would definitely stop that.

      Delete
  5. This is so meeeeeee

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can relate to this. My friends already understand this but boyfriends have more difficulty, most of them will just dump you sef because ain't nobody got time for that. The lord is our muscle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahhahhahaahh! 'the Lord is our muscles' that is so my line lol.

      Delete
  7. I realise dat u are a very lively person, aka drama queen! From ur stories u are a drama queen.. why do u let ur mood swings get d best of u. Pls don't let it, do d best u can to overcome it. It'll definitely drive pple away from u including boo! No matter how many times he said he loves u he still wanted to leave.. so u need to wake up and do sometin bfore u loose "the one that makes u happy" for nothing!

    ReplyDelete
  8. If I tell you with proof that i'll give you 1mil USD if you can stay 2. Weeks without swinging into this mood,trust me you won't. Do you know why, your mind on the price alone will keep the mood away. What this shows. Is that you have control over it. Secondly,you can overcome anything that will make someone you love unhappy. If you are truly in love,you will guard it more than that 1mil USD promised.

    A lot of people in school then knew you as the girl with "agwu".Your mood swings define you even before people get to know you and most just stayed clear.


    Think about this,what your mood swings have cost you that you don't even know about and what it may cost you as per your narrative above then dump it.Speaking about it when it starts may be the starting point.good luck. J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But miss j why are you awesome like this. You're always...awesome jare.

      I feel you T. At least it's good you've identified the problem, you can now make a conscious effort to overcome it...you're a good person, don't let mood swings redefine your peesonality.

      Delete
  9. Oh and my write up will not be complete without giving you my mum's secret to correcting any attitude problem and the likes.it works,anytime it starts,tell whoever you are with to give you a minute close you eyes,take a deep breath and say "Jesus meek and humble of hearts,make my heart like unto yours. say it 10 times. it works.j

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot J. I already know this would be helpful without trying it yet.

      Delete
  10. Lol at behave like ogbanje. I Love you T

    ReplyDelete
  11. Lol.... All the shrinks in the house popping up!

    Nobody likes bad mood. Not even you, Thelma. So like u have stated with your last paragraph, you know how to overcome.

    I only have moodswings when I'm alone. So I just sleep

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lol,this post was sad,mushy and funny all at the same time.
    Girl,you wld be fine,inugo?

    ReplyDelete
  13. 1) Thelma, this was a good write up. You gat some writing skills.
    2) I dont understand this mood swings thing. If you need to visit the hosp then just do it. Why waste time?
    3) Im happy you have found love. So yall slept togetherrr? From the ginger you woke up with, looks like he held it dooown! lool
    4) Draw the battle line. Mood swings cant have power over you. Look the damn thing in the face and say "fuck you"

    Peace

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't swear Kon! Lol.

      I haven't said I've found love yet.

      Two people can just sleep in bed chastely y'know?

      How is your "How To Cheat and Keep Your Wife Happy" guide book coming up? *smh*. Keep us posted.

      Delete
    2. Pls I'll like to know how 2 pple can sleep in bed chastely so I can practise it... #topicforanotherdayiguess#eagerlywaiting#

      Delete
    3. I procrastinate alot. My momma says so. Havent even pickup up the pen. Still gathering the material in my head.

      Maybe you will help me write the book seeing that you gat some skills. Ill give you the material and you put the ink to paper.

      Told my wife to help write the book but she looked at me like Im shit. lol

      Peace.

      Delete
    4. It's easy, trust me. Just know beforehand that you're getting into bed to sleep, and then sleep. Shikena.

      Delete
    5. Hahaha. You told your wife to write it? Kon, you're gold!

      On a more serious note, we could do this. I think we could make a lot of money from it, the shock factor alone would rake in some cash. I'm ready when you are.

      Delete
  14. This is the same thing am passing through with my bf one minute he is all happy the next so gloom like someone died, I just let him be when the sad moods come and really most times I wish there is more I can do to make him better but I know it’s a fight he has to fight alone I only have to support. Hoping to learn how to drive such mood swings away.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh!! I have a cousin that is just like you with her terrible mood swings. If she is reading, you know now. Am yet to find cure for her oo. Once I do and it actually cures her, Thelma you will be the first to know. But I think you acknowledging you have it, is the first step.

    ReplyDelete
  16. The battle is in the mind Nwado
    Positive affirmations
    Bible > 2 Corinthians > Chapter 10 > Verse 5

    ◄ 2 Corinthians 10:5 ►
    Parallel Verses
    New International Version
    We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

    When it comes use positive affirmations - take charge girl; you're in control of your mind, thoughts and actions

    HSF

    ReplyDelete
  17. this used to be so me, but my madam perosola can't allow me have mood swings anymore. but honestly i hate how my husband feels whenever it comes up, i used to wish i'm happy all the time like other people.

    ReplyDelete
  18. And I thought I had mood swings.I dey learn for where you dey...lol. I pray you win this battle Thelma.

    ReplyDelete
  19. This used to be me, when i was not happy with my weight and my self esteem was so low. It got better when i started eating healthier and being more active. Slowly, the weight rolled off and I'm a much happier person now. Anytime i realize that mood is about to set in, i try engaging in some physical activity such as running up and down the stairs or taking a long walk, it really does help... might not be same for you though.

    And oh, I'm new here - Adj.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Lovely contributions from lovely people! T pls u can do ds, just get on with the suggestions already.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank you for taking the time to publish this information very useful! I've been looking for books of this nature for a way too long. I'm just glad that I found yours. Looking forward for your next post. Thanks :)



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    ReplyDelete

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