Skip to main content

Dear Thelma (Not Ready To Be a Wife)





Hello Thelma and friends of the house. I prefer to remain anonymous. I'm 31 dating and 35 year old and it's been a nice relationship. We have dated for two years and I really love him, I would also  love to be married some day but sometimes I get scared of some things. I'm very hardworking and career driven and also independent. I love my independence and freedom but I'm not what you would call an extreme feminist in that I don't mind "submitting" to my husband when I get married, I don't mind cooking and cleaning and taking care of the home but I don't believe that I should lose my freedom. Let me put things in context, I often have arguments with my boyfriend over infidelity, I think if a man can do it, a woman can do it too. He, like most other men think it's acceptable for men because they're men, but I'm not saying he cheats on me. He believes it's ok for him to go clubbing till early hours of the morning but I should be home by 11pm, but I think that's rubbish.  
      I'm not a difficult person but I just believe that if you can stay out till 5am then so can I, and if I should be back home by 11pm then so should you. Funny enough I don't hold onto these as I don't stop him from going out or or insist he come home early. We have an occasion to attend in Ibadan so he and I and a lot of his friends are in Ib for the weekend and all lodged in the same hotel. Yesterday we got into an argument around 6pm and he walked out on me to go and hang out with his friends in the hotel. By 11pm I still hadn't seen or heard from him and I was bored so I got dressed and went down to have a drink by the pool bar on my own. When I got there he was with his friends but I just went to sit on my own in a quite secluded area, since it's not like I was invited anyway. I just listened to music and played candy crush on my phone with a chapman. Well that later led to a big fight o! He said I embarassed him, that why couldn't I stay in the room, he said all of them came with their wives or girlfriends and the girls were all in their rooms but me I came down to the pool bar, that I made myself appear cheap. 
       This morning he's saying he loves me but he doesn't think we can have a future together because with my attitude it is obvious I'm not ready for marriage. I'm hurt and need to know where I went wrong. Please can someone guide me on the things I need to know about being married? are my expectations or attitude unrealistic? Did I do anything wrong by going to the pool bar last night? Thank you guys for your advice. 

Comments

  1. Find your type,marry your type. Some women will not have a problem with the above but you do,some guys will not mind but your BF does. Secret to marriage,marry your type. When my husband is out at night (which means I opted not to go) he calls so much I worry if he gets to enjoy himself. On one occasion I told him I was still awake and wished I went out with him,he told me to dress up and came back and picked me. It's 9 years i'v been with him and he knows for sure that we don't make double standard rules. Marry your type or change willingly for your partner, not forced or coarsed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Couldn't have said it any better. Well said, Anonymous!

      Delete
    2. Wow where have you been? Wish this advice had come years earlier

      Delete
    3. Thank you so much @Anonymous for this comment. I'm surprised at what the poster wrote and the expectations of her boyfriend but then I remembered I also once dated such a man who had a certain perception of how a lady should be and act. Thank God I ran and married someone with my perception.
      If you believe in the feminist ideology please marry someone who believes in it too, if you are traditional, please marry a traditional man too. It saves everyone from heartaches and future regrets. UGO

      Delete
  2. I don't know abt things u need to know abt gettig marreid but I sure do know that U were wrong by hanging out in the pool bar last night.
    Am not saying u shdnt have hung out but it just shdnt have been where they'd see u and propably perceive dat all is not well.
    U myt have just gone to join one of d girls in her room or even gone smwhere else. That way u respect urself and ur man.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I beg to differ Chinenyenwa. The boyfriend in question could have excused himself and talked with her to smooth things out. I'm certain if he did and politely requested for her to chill with the guys, it would have corrected his far-fetched impression that she cheapened herself before his peeps. Besides, he knows her and from the story, I infer he knows she's not cheap, he's just seeking for approval from his peeps!

      Delete
  3. Your bf has double standards and he has clearly shown you that. Its left to you to decide whether or not it is worth fighting for. Most people have double standards but those who so freely express them tend not to be respectful of you.

    31 isnt the end of the world - but the next question to ask is if the majority of men you have access to think like your bf...if so and you are desperate to marry it might not be worth throwing out the baby with the bath water.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lol...
    1)You hurt his ego
    2) he listens to what people say
    3) he isn't the one for you

    ReplyDelete
  5. To be honest with u, I feel u shouldn't marry a Nigerian if/when u are ready for marriage. Cos Nigerian men think alike when it comes to cases like this. About u going to d pool side, I personally don't see anytin wrong in it, but ur boo may be one of those ibo local men.. believe me dats how they think. So take ur time bcos wateva u see during courtship is just a tip of d Iceberg to wat u will see in marriage#.

    ReplyDelete
  6. If u value your freedom so much dont marry him. I repeat, dont marry him cos it will get worse in marriage. As stated above find your type of man, the kind who wants you to also n always be his turn up bae aka handbag. Lol

    Dont complicate things, marriage isnt about one peraon being happy, its about 2 pple being happy if only one person keeps making the sactifices , believe me sooner than later it becomes a burden.

    Again, as a woman, you are the home maker it is naturally expected that you stay home /be home more often to nurture your home/kids. Even with a trusted nanny/help or even family you still need to be with your kids morw often. This means some of your grand plans will need to be put on hold or well balanced.

    Finally lets not confuse feminism with other things such as the traditional role of being a wife. Its no competition a husband has his roles clearly cut out as does the wife.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am patiently waiting for Uyi's comment

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dear, I'm team freedom oh. So I'm totally agreeing with what first commenter wrote.

      And honestly, he's not for you. You are not for him.

      You need people like Mr. Chrisyinks...... Or me *cloak of invisibility activated*

      Delete
    2. Uyi...we should get married ...

      Delete
    3. Oya nau... Let's go there 1. 2.

      Let me know when/where you are okay with.

      Delete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turia Pitt Suffered 65% Burns But Loved Conquered All...

Amazing Story Shared by Dr. Ben Carson on Facebook, i thought it is inspiring and i decided to share;

The Australian ex-model Turia Pitt suffered burns to 65 per cent of her body, lost her fingers and thumb on her right hand and spent five months in hospital after she was trapped by a grassfire in a 100 kilometre ultra-marathon in the Kimberley. Her boyfriend decided to quit his job to care for her recovery. 
Days ago, in an interview for CNN they asked him:
"Did you at any moment think about leaving her and hiring someone to take care of her and moving on with your life?"

His reply touched the world:

"I married her soul, her character, and she's the only woman that will continue to fulfill my dreams."

***
This made me very reflective. I just wonder; if the person you love today encounters an incident or accident that transforms who they are physically, it could be amputation, it could be paralysis, it could be severe burns that scald their flesh beyond recognition, w…

#WriteRight. VIVIAN: MY FIRST SEX EXPERIENCE WITH MY BOYFRIEND

He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
After listening to a song "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TELL THEM THAT YOU
LOVE THEM and watching the season film of The Secret Life of
American Teenagers. ..when Amy Jeugerns mum told her "you are only
young once". LOL that part got me.
Hope you know what i mean?

Though I'm okay with chemistry class I approached him to coach me for
the Quiz that was coming up, we found out that we had this
great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
electrovalent bonds....

So one thing led to another till one unusual Saturday. I invited
him to my house and he came. The guy got swag, he even came
with a packet of durex condom.
We talked for a while and and and and and and
Kai!
See how you are serious dey read this story....!
My…

...

Good morning people! 
Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
I got into town pretty late and needed to keep an appointment ASAP. I'm heading out right now and it's going to be a long day, but thought I should drop this first. 
Have a splendid day. Im'ma be back soon.

One More Post...

THE ‘NEW’ SIDE CHICK: I WAS HER

A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship.  However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick.  I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions.  So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing. I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer.  You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.  Why?  Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings.  You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or  maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to hi…

Shhhhhhh....

I'm in an amebo mood tonight. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know why. Also I'd like to share too but I'd do that anonymously in the comment section. Tonight I want to talk about secrets. It's ok, we can all be anonymous. 
Is it true that EVERYBODY has a secret? 
Is there anyone here who doesn't have a secret? I'd really like to know; You're a completely open book and there's not ONE thing about you that you wouldn't mind other people knowing about? Please raise your hands up. 
And for the rest of us, what's something about you that no one knows, or very few people know? Who's got a dark secret here, or a weird one, or a funny one even? I really don't mean to be invasive but I don't want to be the only one sharing, plus I think hearing other people's secrets is quite fun, don't you think?

Let's Be Random Together! (Open Keypad).

Hey guys, a while back blog reader F said something about creating an Open Keypad post, where you can write whatever you want in the comment section. I thought it was a fun idea!
So who is interested? Comment on anything you feel like, ask me or anyone a question, talk about how your day went, your job, your interests, tell us something about you that we don't know, share a testimony with us, rant about anything you feel like, talk about your crush/boo/spouse/relationship/marriage, challenges you're facing, ANYTHING AT ALL! 
I'll only make one request; that we stay civil. 

(F it was you who made this suggestion, right? I'm not too sure and I can't even remember the post the comment was made on). 
BTW please Ejoeccome out come out, wherever you are!

Question of The Day.

TTB readers doesn't this tweet below remind you of something?
That mail that someone sent me a few weeks back. 
But why on earth should a man sleep with his son's fiancé? But what am I saying, some men even sleep with their daughters...

Oh well, I'm throwing the question to you. What has happened in your life that you never saw coming, you never hesperred it, you never imagined could happen, you never imagined could happen to you? 
It could be good, it could be bad, it could be ugly. Do tell!
And it can be more than one. Let me tell you a few. 
-owning a blog -week long dry fast at Prayer City (I never hesperred it).  -staying in an (emotionally) abusive relationship.
The others require anonymity. LOL. Now over to you.

Adventures, Fun, Friendship & Laughter at the TTB Hangout (Lekki Conservation Center).

Nicole to Clare: mummy lets go. I want to climb that ropy thing!

Isn't Clare beautiful?!

Uyi et moi. Clowning. 

Mother & child. 


Scary af! Trish on the ramp. The chica loves the outdoors so much, she was like a kid in a candy store. She and Uyi took this walk twice! More power to them, you can't pay me to do this a second time.


Uyi & Tiwa