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Dear Thelma (Not Ready To Be a Wife)

Hello Thelma and friends of the house. I prefer to remain anonymous. I'm 31 dating and 35 year old and it's been a nice relationship. We have dated for two years and I really love him, I would also  love to be married some day but sometimes I get scared of some things. I'm very hardworking and career driven and also independent. I love my independence and freedom but I'm not what you would call an extreme feminist in that I don't mind "submitting" to my husband when I get married, I don't mind cooking and cleaning and taking care of the home but I don't believe that I should lose my freedom. Let me put things in context, I often have arguments with my boyfriend over infidelity, I think if a man can do it, a woman can do it too. He, like most other men think it's acceptable for men because they're men, but I'm not saying he cheats on me. He believes it's ok for him to go clubbing till early hours of the morning but I should be home by 11pm, but I think that's rubbish.  
      I'm not a difficult person but I just believe that if you can stay out till 5am then so can I, and if I should be back home by 11pm then so should you. Funny enough I don't hold onto these as I don't stop him from going out or or insist he come home early. We have an occasion to attend in Ibadan so he and I and a lot of his friends are in Ib for the weekend and all lodged in the same hotel. Yesterday we got into an argument around 6pm and he walked out on me to go and hang out with his friends in the hotel. By 11pm I still hadn't seen or heard from him and I was bored so I got dressed and went down to have a drink by the pool bar on my own. When I got there he was with his friends but I just went to sit on my own in a quite secluded area, since it's not like I was invited anyway. I just listened to music and played candy crush on my phone with a chapman. Well that later led to a big fight o! He said I embarassed him, that why couldn't I stay in the room, he said all of them came with their wives or girlfriends and the girls were all in their rooms but me I came down to the pool bar, that I made myself appear cheap. 
       This morning he's saying he loves me but he doesn't think we can have a future together because with my attitude it is obvious I'm not ready for marriage. I'm hurt and need to know where I went wrong. Please can someone guide me on the things I need to know about being married? are my expectations or attitude unrealistic? Did I do anything wrong by going to the pool bar last night? Thank you guys for your advice. 


  1. Find your type,marry your type. Some women will not have a problem with the above but you do,some guys will not mind but your BF does. Secret to marriage,marry your type. When my husband is out at night (which means I opted not to go) he calls so much I worry if he gets to enjoy himself. On one occasion I told him I was still awake and wished I went out with him,he told me to dress up and came back and picked me. It's 9 years i'v been with him and he knows for sure that we don't make double standard rules. Marry your type or change willingly for your partner, not forced or coarsed.

    1. Couldn't have said it any better. Well said, Anonymous!

    2. Wow where have you been? Wish this advice had come years earlier

    3. Thank you so much @Anonymous for this comment. I'm surprised at what the poster wrote and the expectations of her boyfriend but then I remembered I also once dated such a man who had a certain perception of how a lady should be and act. Thank God I ran and married someone with my perception.
      If you believe in the feminist ideology please marry someone who believes in it too, if you are traditional, please marry a traditional man too. It saves everyone from heartaches and future regrets. UGO

  2. I don't know abt things u need to know abt gettig marreid but I sure do know that U were wrong by hanging out in the pool bar last night.
    Am not saying u shdnt have hung out but it just shdnt have been where they'd see u and propably perceive dat all is not well.
    U myt have just gone to join one of d girls in her room or even gone smwhere else. That way u respect urself and ur man.

    1. I beg to differ Chinenyenwa. The boyfriend in question could have excused himself and talked with her to smooth things out. I'm certain if he did and politely requested for her to chill with the guys, it would have corrected his far-fetched impression that she cheapened herself before his peeps. Besides, he knows her and from the story, I infer he knows she's not cheap, he's just seeking for approval from his peeps!

  3. Your bf has double standards and he has clearly shown you that. Its left to you to decide whether or not it is worth fighting for. Most people have double standards but those who so freely express them tend not to be respectful of you.

    31 isnt the end of the world - but the next question to ask is if the majority of men you have access to think like your bf...if so and you are desperate to marry it might not be worth throwing out the baby with the bath water.

  4. Lol...
    1)You hurt his ego
    2) he listens to what people say
    3) he isn't the one for you

  5. To be honest with u, I feel u shouldn't marry a Nigerian if/when u are ready for marriage. Cos Nigerian men think alike when it comes to cases like this. About u going to d pool side, I personally don't see anytin wrong in it, but ur boo may be one of those ibo local men.. believe me dats how they think. So take ur time bcos wateva u see during courtship is just a tip of d Iceberg to wat u will see in marriage#.

  6. If u value your freedom so much dont marry him. I repeat, dont marry him cos it will get worse in marriage. As stated above find your type of man, the kind who wants you to also n always be his turn up bae aka handbag. Lol

    Dont complicate things, marriage isnt about one peraon being happy, its about 2 pple being happy if only one person keeps making the sactifices , believe me sooner than later it becomes a burden.

    Again, as a woman, you are the home maker it is naturally expected that you stay home /be home more often to nurture your home/kids. Even with a trusted nanny/help or even family you still need to be with your kids morw often. This means some of your grand plans will need to be put on hold or well balanced.

    Finally lets not confuse feminism with other things such as the traditional role of being a wife. Its no competition a husband has his roles clearly cut out as does the wife.

  7. I am patiently waiting for Uyi's comment

    1. My dear, I'm team freedom oh. So I'm totally agreeing with what first commenter wrote.

      And honestly, he's not for you. You are not for him.

      You need people like Mr. Chrisyinks...... Or me *cloak of invisibility activated*

    2. Uyi...we should get married ...

    3. Oya nau... Let's go there 1. 2.

      Let me know when/where you are okay with.

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