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Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Bad Mother.




"Did he catch you with a man?" 

I'm trying to imagine the shock Desola received after the beating she received and she decided to report the incident to her boyfriend's mother the first time. It wasn't mild beating, it was that he pulled his belt out of his trouser and flogged her silly until she began to bleed and beg for her life. 

Her offense; her ex called her phone. 

"You must have done something to annoy him"

Was what his mother said the second time she reported her boyfriend to his mother. A nonchalant you must have done something to annoy him. Desola couldn't believe her ears, she'd gone to see his mum with the wounds and bruises still fresh. As usual she had done nothing wrong and yet received the beatings of her life because of her boyfriend's insecurities. 

No guys, this is not fiction, this is real. 

Similarly, back then in university, my friend in Unilag was constantly being beaten blue-black by her boo. Once he tore her clothes and beat her in the car pack of a club. Another time it was in front of her hostel. Most times he would ensure that she was also humiliated in the process, thereby tearing her clothes and/or beating her publicly. The beatings were way too much and often over things that were not her fault, like a random guy staring at her, or spending "too much time" with her girlfriends. One day she finally made the decision to leave, after years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse. 

Her psycho of a boyfriend tried to commit suicide. 

He was placed on admission and had his family plead with her to come and visit him. She refused until his mother called to plead with her, as a mother to a daughter. Then my friend finally relented, honoring his mother's request. 

Well guess what, the minute she entered the room she received a blinding TOZAAAA from his mother and she swore for a few second she saw bright colours. The woman continued to slap her in the face until she was able to run out of the hospital room. Oh, his sisters were there and they watched the incident, in fact it was probably planned. 

The sad part is that she had tried to talk to his mother about his temper a couple of times during the relationship and mama would just shrug it off as a normal thing that happened in relationships. Once she she said, "if you treat him like a man he won't be beating you". 


I also used to know someone who would boast about beating his wife, and how his mother will always come to his defence and agree that it must be that she was being troublesome and had to be put in her place. He would boastfully regale me with tales of how his mother got his wife to stop working, how she taught her to wash his clothes and boxers, how she taught her to cook his food EVERYDAY, as he was 'allergic' to food that wasn't fresh i.e had been in the freezer. (They're no longer married and I'm glad that woman eventually got the strength to walk away). 

These stories make me realize, and not for the first time, that mothers, US women, are often times responsible for the poor quality of men that seem to make up a high percentage of our male population. 

On one hand, most of us women make the innocent "mistake" of raising our children with different standards. Our daughters are raised to aspire for marriage and our sons, greatness. Can anyone blame some men for seeing women (including their wives) as less than?

But on the other hand, and this is where I get confused, there are those mothers that raise a monster and then defends him when he beats her fellow woman to a pulp? Does she never place her daughters in their shoes, or could it be that it's this same kind of mother that would insist her daughter stay put and endure an abusive marriage? Ok, so what if she herself had suffered through an abusive marriage? Should that not be reason enough for her to raise her sons well and teach them compassion, to stand up for their wives and girlfriends when they come to them for succor?

What exactly could make it okay, normal and even advisable in the eyes of a mother for her son to beat his wife, because I fail to understand this? 

May God bless all good mothers out there, and if you've got answers to my questions or experiences you would like to share, please let us hear it. 

12 comments:

  1. Those mothers are not wise.

    Peace.

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  2. This post has really angered me this evening.Some mothers are truly something else,raising monsters in the name or raising sons.

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  3. Some stories are best left as fiction...

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  4. Hmmmmmm orishirishi. Wonders will never end. I would break such mother's head,heaven knows,it's such women whose daughters don't last in any man's house.

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  5. Awon end time mothers.... Lol.


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  6. Lailai! May God never give us bad mother inlaws...never.

    My Ex mother was the exact opposite of the description above, though I wasn't physically abused, the emotional part no be here ooh, haba! And when I call her crying she would spark up, put up a conference call, rain harsh and unkind words to her son, she would finish him. I remember once he cheated on me, she asked him if he was a dog? Lol. After which she would counsel me, she would even tell me to give him a break till his head re-boot. I miss her like crazy, a woman that calls me my love.

    Now that is what a good mother should do. Shout out to strong women, may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.

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  7. my own MIL would scold him in your presence, like shebi that is what you want me to do... then bad mouths you the minute you turn your back to her

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  8. These stories are really annoying. Only God would not make me return such slaps to the MIL.

    We women need to stop taking shit from these sort of men. Once should be enough. When a guy hits you once, make a big deal out of it such that there wouldn't be a recurrence.

    -F

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  9. These ladies staying in abusive relationships tho, I don't get it. How will a guy that is not your husband yet, pull his belt & beat you till you start bleeding and you decide to stay with him? What's the rationale behind that? Then you went to his mum, she asked you that type of jamb question and it didn't occur to you that this one actually went out of her way to raise a monster, you stayed with the monster until he tore you up a second time then you went back to the manufacturer after your warranty had expired. God help you o Desola.

    As for the mothers, I have no words for them. It is true tho that most of our parents and theirs before them raised their male and female children differently. They raised the boys with a sense of entitlement to every and anything, allowing them get a way with almost everything from rudeness to having children out of wedlock while the girls were raised to be "servants"- cook, clean, wash, keep your "flower", be courteous(for your in-laws/husband's house) etc.

    That said, mothers who make excuses for their abusive sons just lack empathy. As a human being, you should be empathetic toward your fellow humans, its just basic and those women lack this basic instinct. What can any adult human being do to deserve being whooped like that? What if it were her or any of her daughters?

    Your friend needs to run out of that relationship and never ever look back cos if that guy doesn't kill her now, he will kill her later cos if he's already beating her with belt now that they aren't married, one day, he'll be too angry to reach for his belt and he'll put his hands around her neck.

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  10. lol. we are all products of our upbringing and environments. women are women's problem. meanwhile,sorry 2 digress, thelma have u done a piece on gender equality? someone was angry because a female soldier trainee was being subjected to extreme punishment for insubordination,the same punishment a male soldier would also receive, he felt d punishment was too much for a female, and a lesser punishment should have been meted out to her, and d sergeant kept on saying stuff like 'shebi una want gender equality ba' thelma is that what gender equality means biko?

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