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Dear Thelma. (Was It Just a One-Off or Is My Fiancé Abusive?)

Please post urgently. If someone loses their temper and does something just one time does it mean the person is an abuser? I ask because my partner of two years and seven months did something last night and I am so confused about whether I was at fault or he just displayed something that he has been hiding since. But is it possible for somebody to be pretending for almost three years? Yesterday we were in his house and I noticed he was chatting with someone. His phone then rang but he immediately cut the call. I grabbed the phone from his hand and if you see how he jumped up and started struggling for the phone with me and it made me more curios and angry. He started screaming that I should give him the phone and I refused. Then guess what, he burnt my face with his cigarette and pushed me on the floor. I was so shocked because I never expected that kind of assault of using fire on my face. I packed my things and ran home. Before I reached my house he was already calling me to beg me to forgive him, he said he didn't know when he did it and he can never do it again. He has never lost his temper in my presence before or shown any sign of abuse so that's why I'm wondering if this was just a one off. But see, if he slapped me I wouldn't have minded as much as I do that he actually pressed a burning cigarette to my face. To me that was calculated and wicked. If he wanted to burn me he could have done it on my hand or anywhere else but he chose my face. Also I'm petite so he could have just pushed me on the floor without burning me. I am very fair and now I'm carrying a fresh burn on my face that I cannot explain to anybody. But I know he loves me so much and so far is the gentlest and kindest man in the whole world so I'm so confused. He even called his elder ones to call my phone to beg me. 
      Another issue also is the way he reacted when I grabbed his phone, this means he may be cheating or hiding something from me. The truth is that I can forgive a cheat but not an abuser. I need answers because we have done introduction and I cannot be in an abusive marriage. Thelma please help me post because I need answers. Thank you.  

*poster I'm so sorry I didn't post immediately you sent this. I haven't had access to my blog for a while*


  1. Please if you don't have running shoes, you can have mine.He will do worse plus he has or doing things he doesn't want you to know about

  2. The truth is - Nobody can say if its a one off for certain. He might be an abuser, he might not. He messed up and he has apologized. You love him, he loves you. Forgive and move on with the relationship. Its a risk. Life is a risk.

    Obviously he has some things to hide. Which is what you should focus on. What was so serious about what he was hiding that made him react that way. Work on discovering that then you will have your answer whether you want to continue the relationship or not.


    1. Am with u on this one kon., forgive him since it's a first time but find out what made him struggle with u when u took his phone, it's obvious he is hiding something. Good luck. Maybel

    2. I suggest you dig deeper as to why he burnt u on the face. He is hiding something major that you must know about bfor you marry him.

      You know him better so the issue of the abuse needs deeper reflection. I could forgive the first but the next one hmmmm if it ever happens i wont just pack n go. Id get even. Id get the mother f*ker beaten. I shit you not.

    3. Poster respect yourself, short people problems. Must you always show yourselves? You snatched an adult's phone and started struggling with him? Shior! Troublesome woman. Karishika

  3. OUT OF THE BOX :D9:32 am, April 18, 2016

    Im going to tell you what i would tell my sisters if this sort of thing happened. Watch this movie titled "The Perfect Guy" the one with Sanaa Lathan. I know say na movie, but it has happened before. If he simply pushed you that was okay, BUT THE CIGARETTE is overboard. Why in the world would he do that!! ON YOUR FACE for that matter. It sounds similar to this thing that happens sometimes in India (and other places as well) when a guy pours acid on his girl, they usually make sure the face is included so the girl might not stand a chance with another guy. Anyone who loves you will not harm u in such a manner abeg. This to me is something petty, if you now offend him on something more serious, how then is he going to react. Please pray for direction and rethink your stance with him. And it's possible to pretend for 3 years. I can anyway to be honest and I've seen people do it, and trust me human beings can do anything and anything they set their minds on doing. Thankfully you're not married yet.

    1. Exactly! 'The Perfect Guy' is just d perfect illustration.

  4. That's a red flag. If he had the conscience to do it once he'll do it again. Wisdom is profitable to direct.

  5. He just showed you who he is. Believe him!!!

  6. Get your running shoes....wait what am I saying? you don't need shoes biko, take to your heels and gerra there

  7. There is fire on the mountain, Run! Run!! Run!!!

  8. Better run. He didnt curse you anf wrestle phone from your hand but burnt your face with cigarette? Na wa!

  9. Like Kon said you have 2 huge issues. Whatever he is hiding that made him burn your face should worry you as well. There is no guarantee this will be the last time he will do such or worse. J

  10. This is sad. My advice is that you will have to make him understand that he has to trade whatever he's hiding for your forgiveness. If he's not ready to give up what he's hiding, leave. If he does give it up, leave too. I'm sure whatever he's hiding that drove him to that length would make you leave anyway.

  11. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time! Don't try to rationalise it. That guy has a really mean streak. The fact that you haven't seen it before doesn't mean its not there. Babes! he did't only push you down(you could have broken something you know?), he went ahead to burn you with the butt of his cigarette. That is just cold and calculated. Who uses fire to play with anybody? The next time, he would use his fist or hold a lighter to your face and tell you the same bullsh!t story after.

    Plus, what was on the phone that was so important, it brought out this dark side that has been in remission for over 2 years? Someone who hasn't gotten angry in 2 years gets angry because you want to check his phone? There's more to that phone ish..

    As I type this, I realise that on some very, very, very few occasions, people do or say things they don't mean but we can't be sure they won't do it again. You need to re-evaluate this relationship and ask the right question like Kon said. What was so important that he put his lit cigarette on your fine face?

  12. I'm really tired of reading complaints dat end wt aw so lovely, caring, ds, dat and aw he's so perfect and loves u to d moon and up. Lol
    Babe burning ur face was way way extreme, and do u still need anybody to tell you who he was chatting with?
    Hmmm..I might say dat u'll def need a break to clear ur head. Love shudnt cloud ur judgement.
    And to answer ur question, yes! Sb can pretend for as long as is necessary. A male friend of mine actually told me dat, men can pretend no matter aw long,provided d reason for the pretense remains constant. And just a side question, is a cigarette smoker really d best for u hunie? U'd want ur kids to learn dat? Or u hoping he'd stop in time?


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