Skip to main content

Dear Thelma, (The Sins of His Past)





Happy Sunday ttb. Thelma I read your post about if people can change and most people said no so I wonder what they will say in my situation. The way things are going in my relationship its obvious that we are getting married. I have suffered so much disappointment from past relationships and I never thought this particular relationship would lead to anywhere. As fate would have it, it's been over two years now and the happiest time of my life. I call him my heaven sent, you cannot begin to imagine how this young man has turned my life around. Even my family are in love with him too. He's everything any girl wants in a man. Because of how close we are he confides in me about personal things and shares his secrets with me. I know when he was in university he was in a confraternity. He has confessed that, even confessed to me that he once raped and did other terrible things. I was shocked but I overlooked it later. He told me that he had guns and knives but i thought maybe every cultist had those things but recently he just confessed to me that he used to rob people both on the road and home armed robberies. He said that then he was very notorious and was even on police most wanted list. He gave me some very ugly details that are unprintable. He was also arrested a number of time and even spent months in a cell once. To cut the long story short I know that these things happened over ten years ago and he is only confiding in me because of how much he loves me. But now I'm getting worried because I don't think these are traits I want in the father of my children. I'm wondering whether there's any point in continuing this relationship. Ps I'm over thirty and I love him very much, but I don't want love to cloud my judgment. Besides they say love is never enough. Please I need advise. Thank you all. 

Comments

  1. Rape. Confraternity.

    Dear poster, these are two of some of the things people hardly (or find it difficult to) walk away from. Rape is an issue the victims have a herculean task healing from, but the perpetrators easily "move on". So while you're happy he's confessed and "changed", his victim(s) has a different story to tell. And as for cultism, the truth of the matter, which many muzzle up, is that cultist don't just "change" after school or after a time, the process requires total cleansing (if you get my drift). I've lived with cultist for over 11 years, trust me, #Change here is usually propaganda.

    "...But now I'm getting worried because I don't think these are traits I want in the father of my children...". Or traits you want your kids to inherit? Lol. Be open minded about such things dear. No one is born a demon.

    "...Ps I'm over thirty and I love him very much but I don't want love to cloud my judgment...". Or desperation to cloud your judgment?

    My PS: This isn't a comment meant to dampen your love for him in anyway, but like I implied in the "Change" Post, the main issue isn't about Change, it's about Trust. People Change, it's easy. Question is, will the change be sustained?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. People should stop striking Memphis' nerves with these 'forgiving' rapists.

      Delete
  2. What memphis said. Well.done. i also stand by your sentiments.

    Sustaining change is the main issue. He needs total cleansing from within.

    When he is faced with a bigger challenge in the future, how would he react.

    Finally, dont be desperate .being 30 isnt a death sentence
    .

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hmmm ok o.If you were 25 will you still stick with this guy?just asking.j

    ReplyDelete
  4. My dear, its no longer about you but ur kids. Wld u want ur kids having traits of rapists and robbery in them?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is it scientifically proven that rapists and robbers are hereditary? Where are u channeling your convictions from?

      Delete
    2. lol @ traits of rapists

      Delete
    3. Dear Uyi, as a lover of genetics, yes, rape, robbery and some vices cld become hereditry if it's dominant or cld be recessive. That's why it's good to adopt good habits and character (for the sake of ur kids or lineage).
      That's why I kinda pity men who are womanizers or fuckboys. If the universe wants to punish them, their daughter (and not son) wld take after them...

      Delete
    4. @sasha, to the best of my knowledge, you are wrong, human behavior, traits and attributes have 2 major contributing factor: Heredity and Environment, Heredity comes to play in terms of the temperament, IQ, looks, etcetera, but a child's behaviour is basically a result of the environment he grew up in. Reason why we have quite intelligent agberos in Lagos, heredity passed that intelligence but the environment didn't allow full optimization of such traits.

      Delete
    5. @meena, u do know as humans, we not only inherit traits, we cld also start a trait that the next generation wld have. That's why some kids are termed "odd" (not taking after any parent or relative they knw of but in turn this "odd" child wld/cld pass up his "odd" traits to his child...)
      Yes, environment affects a child but aren't u curious as to why after 400yrs of slavery and it's abolition, the black American slave decendants still behave as they do (and not completely like the whites? Despite living there for like forever???)

      Delete
  5. The point of a relationship is letting love cloud your judgement. It's not just difficult but also impossible to have a successful relationship and not be biased towards the other party in the relationship. Even God isn't always objective in relationships. Remember when He said I would have mercy upon who I would, or when He forgave David for his adulterous ways, made Paul the Christian persecutor, to be the Christian evangelist ..... Love is the greatest, Love in its fullness is more than enough.

    See, no one is perfect (save God), and that means all persons have their flaws - some more than others. Your partner has had a notorious past but I think if he has changed and is really committed to the change, he really has. Why not be a source of inspiration for that change? If God still opens His hands to all sinners irrespective of their sins and their checkered pasts, who are we to hold back. I know and understand that marriage is a lifelong and intimate commitment, hence the desire for one to have the best pick. Newsflash! there are no best pick, we make the best pick of whatever choices we have made. He makes you happy, is your heaven sent, confides in you, in good terms with your family..... why not be the person that would give him one more reason to stay committed to the new path.

    I would caution that given his checkered history, you should confide in him your fears and concerns about his history. Try enrolling him annually for personal and self-development classes (better if you do it together), ensure that there is no conducive environment for him to relapse into his previous ways, be a committed member of a religious group etc ..... sometimes the decisive ingredient needed for evil to thrive is the absence of light - don't dim the light.

    Per the concerns of genetic transmission of bad behaviors from a parent to an offspring, with my limited knowledge of science, I don't think that's possible. If any, his history with this bad behavior would put him in a vantage position to prevent his children from towing such path.

    PS: on a lighter note, the climax in your story is very dramatic..... cult member then rapist then armed robber then wanted felon. It was a bit hilarious also, if I may add.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mr Chrisyinks, you are officially going to be the Godfather of all my kids... Period.

      Poster, if you want to be successful relationship-wise, please love and be loved. Go ahead with your relationship!!!!!

      Delete
    2. I should go and get a book on parenting for fathers seeing that I am not one..... at least not yet.

      Delete
    3. So what if he didn't even tell you all this?

      Delete
    4. @ Meeme,

      Not sure if you are referring to me and if it were in reference to parenting as a father. If so, I definitely would do my best to be a good father to my kids. I owe them that much.

      Delete
    5. Nah, my comment was to the post not you oo, am sure you will make a good father

      Delete
    6. hehehe..... all this vote of confidence you are reposing in me, I hope I live to the expectations.

      Delete
  6. How do we define traits. Every one or rather a lot of people have had issues in the past that they were not proud of, So because of that they should be condemned for the rest of their lives abi. A person with a squeaky clean slate might fare worse in future under same conditions.
    My point is dont just define and judge a person by their past

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear poster, is he still in d business of robbing pple, raping, etc? If he's not then maybe u can still marry him, ur kids may not have those traits depending on how u bring them up... besides, what does he do for a living now? Cos u need to put all that into consideration before settling. And I feel like ur in a better position to advice urself o, cos na u dey wear d shoe!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. If God can forgive a person and write off his wrong, who is man to hold on. I have this problem with us especially Nigerians. Sometimes ago, a post on this blog about telling your partner if you committed abortion and majority said hell No. Now, we have a guy being honest to his woman so she wouldn't hear it elsewhere and feel bad, and are saying traits. You the woman who has done 7 abortions, Ain't you concern your kids will inherit your stupidity of not protecting yourself or inheriting murder traits.
    I say it till tomorrow, don't judge a person by His past because I have come to realize people will great future always fight ugly battle in their past to truncate their destiny.
    My lady made peace with his past and marry a good man biko. They are difficult to find. Or you can pass him over to me oo mbok (wink)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO @ "Ain't you concern your kids will inherit your stupidity of not protecting yourself or inheriting murder traits"...

      Delete
  9. One thing people need to understand about forgiveness is first putting yourself in the position of the victims. It's easy to echo "If GOD forgives bla bla" just to justify our religious orientation. That's cool. GOD forgave David for Adultery and Murder, but the child died, no one remembers that. 1John 5:16 talks about sins that lead to death and the ones that don't lead to death, and the Apostle says "I do not say you should pray about the ones that lead to death".

    - You were raped, no justice, no apology from the criminal. Ten years later, you heard he's "happily married". Forgive.

    - You heard that your 13 year old boy has just had his throat slit by Shekau in Yobe Unity school. 10 years later, he's "given his life to CHRIST". Forgive.

    - At 2 am, cultists break into your home, kill your brother, Rape your wife and daughter, then order you to sleep with your own mother in full view of the traumatized family. 5 years later, you see these same people at MFM "speaking in tongues". Forgive.

    Many of you advocating forgiveness here won't even forgive a hot, dirty, and senseless slap from Memphis. Will you? Cos I'll do it when I find you. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd take the slap and turn the other cheek (as God instructed)........... I wouldn't guarantee what would happen after the second slap.

      Delete
    2. Hahahaha... @no guarantees after second slap.

      Delete
    3. Shuo! No guarantees?? After our MASTER says forgive 70 times 7 slaps...sorry..times? Lol.

      Delete
    4. Lmao!!!!... bros you go leave forgiveness for rev. Father oh!!!. Blessed sacrament is still valid. Hahahahaha!!!!!!

      Delete
    5. See ehen Memphis, life happens, you are looking at things from the victims angle... So because the perpetrator did all this things, are you saying he should not live a better life even after genuinely regretting his past. Forget the victim for once and let's focus on rehabilitation cause if he doesn't change or he relapses, there are more victims to come or why do you think the heavens rejoice over the repentance of sinners? It's not because it is plus one for them, rather it is minus one for the devil, *one evil less*. Invariably, what you are saying is Apostle Paul wasn't even supposed to be used by God cause he championed the persecution of Christians. "Remember how Stephen was stoned to death"

      Delete
  10. I try not be biblical, rather I'm more psychological.
    So here is my take.

    As a Life (that we are), we are an energy force. How do we channel that energy force in us?

    Isaac Newton LAW states that ANY Thing will be in a steady state (whether moving or in a stop state) until an external force act on it. So that external force CHANGEs the state of the it.

    Now back to us being an energy life force, and taking your boo as an example. He became all that you have posted about 10years ago (obviously, he changed and became those bad things) due to an external force, be it environmental, societal and what not.

    10 years now and he isn't any of those anymore. That means another external force has made him who he is now. Have you ever thought maybe you are one of the major reasons why he's who he is right now to you?
    Do you want to destroy that positive force (u bring) just cos people have been skeptical about 'those kinds of people' and you want to join them as well. Would that bring you happiness?

    The idea that he loves you enough to tell you all about him indicates that he finds strength in entrusting he's weakness to you. And all you are thinking of is how scared you would have been if you were with him 10years ago.
    Remember, 10years ago!!!!

    My dear, you are underestimating how much of a companion you are to him and that in turn would make u underestimate how much of a companion he is to you too.

    ReplyDelete
  11. If he has truly repented of his old ways before God and has been forgiven, who are you to judge him?

    I think that the both of you should pray very hard and cancel the negative effects of his past life and start praying seriously for your future and your children from now. When I say pray, I don't mean general prayers, pray targeted specific prayers and then leave the rest to God.

    Also, like Memphis said, you need to be sure that you can Trust this man. Whether or not the person in question has changed is not the problem, its whether or not you trust him enough to believe that he has indeed changed. And like Chrisyinks pointed out, you need to create an enabling environment for the change to last. You need to "ensure that there is no conducive environment for him to relapse into his previous ways".

    Again, Pray, pray and pray very well. Be sure he's the one and then fight the other ones on your knees.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I will not marry him ho ha. Before you enter into marriage you have to be true to yourself i.e if really you can live with that person. I cannot marry a reformed armed robber or rapist. It's in my deal breaker list. So the decision my dear is up to you,if u cannot get over the fact he was all that,please leave. All the people shouting forgive or leave no go enter the house with you o.i dare say that any decision you take is a right one....plus there are some things you did not even write up there,Mba o. How can we all shout karma is a bitch on this blog and tell her to go on.when Karma go visit won't it affect her as the wife.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All the karmarians in the house... Please stand up!

      Delete
  13. @anon 4.20,you can't marry a rapist or cultist?What if he doesn't tell you and you never find out?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well they said ignorance is bliss, you cannot make decision on things you don't know but once I do I won't stay. There are consequences for every action, I just don't want to be part of his. When karma comes for him I won't be there ho ha. marriages takes more than love.

      Delete
  14. Truth is, poster has made up her mind to marry the young man. She just wants more reasons (from us) why she should go on.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turia Pitt Suffered 65% Burns But Loved Conquered All...

Amazing Story Shared by Dr. Ben Carson on Facebook, i thought it is inspiring and i decided to share;

The Australian ex-model Turia Pitt suffered burns to 65 per cent of her body, lost her fingers and thumb on her right hand and spent five months in hospital after she was trapped by a grassfire in a 100 kilometre ultra-marathon in the Kimberley. Her boyfriend decided to quit his job to care for her recovery. 
Days ago, in an interview for CNN they asked him:
"Did you at any moment think about leaving her and hiring someone to take care of her and moving on with your life?"

His reply touched the world:

"I married her soul, her character, and she's the only woman that will continue to fulfill my dreams."

***
This made me very reflective. I just wonder; if the person you love today encounters an incident or accident that transforms who they are physically, it could be amputation, it could be paralysis, it could be severe burns that scald their flesh beyond recognition, w…

#WriteRight. VIVIAN: MY FIRST SEX EXPERIENCE WITH MY BOYFRIEND

He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
After listening to a song "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TELL THEM THAT YOU
LOVE THEM and watching the season film of The Secret Life of
American Teenagers. ..when Amy Jeugerns mum told her "you are only
young once". LOL that part got me.
Hope you know what i mean?

Though I'm okay with chemistry class I approached him to coach me for
the Quiz that was coming up, we found out that we had this
great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
electrovalent bonds....

So one thing led to another till one unusual Saturday. I invited
him to my house and he came. The guy got swag, he even came
with a packet of durex condom.
We talked for a while and and and and and and
Kai!
See how you are serious dey read this story....!
My…

...

Good morning people! 
Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
I got into town pretty late and needed to keep an appointment ASAP. I'm heading out right now and it's going to be a long day, but thought I should drop this first. 
Have a splendid day. Im'ma be back soon.

THE ‘NEW’ SIDE CHICK: I WAS HER

A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship.  However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick.  I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions.  So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing. I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer.  You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.  Why?  Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings.  You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or  maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to hi…

Shhhhhhh....

I'm in an amebo mood tonight. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know why. Also I'd like to share too but I'd do that anonymously in the comment section. Tonight I want to talk about secrets. It's ok, we can all be anonymous. 
Is it true that EVERYBODY has a secret? 
Is there anyone here who doesn't have a secret? I'd really like to know; You're a completely open book and there's not ONE thing about you that you wouldn't mind other people knowing about? Please raise your hands up. 
And for the rest of us, what's something about you that no one knows, or very few people know? Who's got a dark secret here, or a weird one, or a funny one even? I really don't mean to be invasive but I don't want to be the only one sharing, plus I think hearing other people's secrets is quite fun, don't you think?

Let's Be Random Together! (Open Keypad).

Hey guys, a while back blog reader F said something about creating an Open Keypad post, where you can write whatever you want in the comment section. I thought it was a fun idea!
So who is interested? Comment on anything you feel like, ask me or anyone a question, talk about how your day went, your job, your interests, tell us something about you that we don't know, share a testimony with us, rant about anything you feel like, talk about your crush/boo/spouse/relationship/marriage, challenges you're facing, ANYTHING AT ALL! 
I'll only make one request; that we stay civil. 

(F it was you who made this suggestion, right? I'm not too sure and I can't even remember the post the comment was made on). 
BTW please Ejoeccome out come out, wherever you are!

One More Post...

Giveaway Finale!

Happy Sunday y'all. 
This is the conclusive part of #WCG. 
All the N25,000 recipients have received their cash.
All the students have also received their N10,000. 
Once again guys please comment under any of the posts, or this one that you've received your money. Thanks. 

So moving forward, this final giveaway contains 
1. N10,000 for 5 people. 

2. 3 kimonos from Julian's dressmakers. 
3. 3 pairs of Palm slippers from WaleOnibata. (Gents) 
4. 2 pairs of shoes from Courtney's Closet. (Ladies. Size 9 and Size 11). 

5. 1 human hair wig from Gabby's Wigs'n'Weaves. You pick from one of the wigs below. 
6. 3 cakes from CakesandCream 

7. A getaway at CitiHeight Hotel Ikeja for 3 people. (Who can each bring one person along).  


As I said earlier, Kon has already won a stay at CitiHeight and Clare, a kimono. So those gifts are now available for 2 people each. 
There is no competition. We are only going to play a game. 
I have each gift item listed out in numbers. Number 1 to 100. …

Adventures, Fun, Friendship & Laughter at the TTB Hangout (Lekki Conservation Center).

Nicole to Clare: mummy lets go. I want to climb that ropy thing!

Isn't Clare beautiful?!

Uyi et moi. Clowning. 

Mother & child. 


Scary af! Trish on the ramp. The chica loves the outdoors so much, she was like a kid in a candy store. She and Uyi took this walk twice! More power to them, you can't pay me to do this a second time.


Uyi & Tiwa