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Thursday, 19 May 2016

Dear Thelma... (Help. I'm Out Of His League!)

The post of yesterday made me smile because my case is the opposite. I am madly in love with a man who has refused to give us a chance. We met on a BBM group and somehow became friends. We started chatting and then talking and weeks later I had come to depend completely our daily phone calls and communication. I was in Atlanta at the time so because of call costs for him, we started to skype and that made us much closer. Even though we had never met we decided that we were both in an exclusive relationship. We are both in similar career fields, thus our bbm group, from the same state and within the same age bracket. I admired him for a long time on the group because he was obviously very brilliant and ambitious so it's safe to say I fell in love with his mind before I fell in love with him. You can't even know how I felt when I noticed he had feelings for me too. In December I wasn't planning to visit naij for Christmas and I would have preferred it if he came but I know his salary is not very generous, he also has other financial constraints as he's the first son and is responsible for his younger ones' education so I came to nigeria. I was elated to know that what we felt was real, it was the best Christmas of my life, we met each other's family and in fact spent all the time together. We also became intimate and he checked that box too, in fact he checked all my boxes. In my head I was already planning our wedding and started talking to people about a job in lagos because I felt he was worth me moving back for. Unfortunately when I returned to atl I noticed that I was the one doing most of the calling and we stopped skyping. He claimed to be busy and later he stopped taking my calls completely. I was sad and I thought it was because of distance so I moved back home in March with my parents approval because they too want me to settle down soon. I was lucky to get a job by April but guess what I had not still seen him by then even though he knew I was around. Eventually I had to go to his house unannounced and demand an explanation, I wanted to know if he was dating someone else because that was the only explanation. He swore that he's not seeing anyone but that after I left in December he realized that I'm too high maintenance for him and that our backgrounds are very different. He said he knew he couldn't afford to take care of me or give me the kind of life I'm used to, and that he is too traditional (egotistical) to marry me and let me be the breadwinner. He also said it never works well when the woman's family is rich and the man's is poor so he decided that the best thing is to leave my life. 

I have tried to convince him ever since that I can easily adapt, I will never lord the difference in our finances over him, and irrespective of the differences in our status and income, I will be a submissive wife. But he and all his people don't believe it. The problem is I moved my whole life because of him and I love him desperately that I don't even want to give another guy any attention. I have tried to move on but I can't stop thinking about him and I know he loves me, if only he can let go of his manlying pride. My heart beats for him and I know sincerely that I can be a good and humble wife for him. He says he loves me but we cannot be together. He feels my family will look down on him and I will eventually begin to disrespect him. I have even assured him that with his ambition and skill set he is likely to start earning more than me soon but he's not convinced because even when he does, he is responsible for his family's welfare, so that salary doesn't translate to being more than mine. Friends advise I should just accept the advances of someone in my "class" as it's much less complicated? Do you agree, please what will you advise me to do?


  1. Eya...

    Either a sad case of inferiority complex OR his decision is based on experience (his or somebody close) OR maybe he doesnt really love you and using that as a way out of the relationship.

    I must commend you for still wanting to marry him even with the knowledge of his financial burden.

    But why did you just move back like that? You could have planned another visit to settle things with him before deciding to move to Nigeria or not.


  2. Marriage is beyond being in love and believe me when i tell you that even if he agrees he wilk also pick a hole in the future regarding your kind or good gesture or intention.

    While i am not a seer, more often than not marriages such as this dont last when the man is the lesser contributor to the family purse financially.

    I wish you didnt move just yet until you were sure. Its even more disappointing.

    Maybe you could put effort towards using your network to connect him to a better paying job and take it from there. Well, that is if his ego will allow him take the job.

    Be soft on your self and dont put your hopes all high. You need to give others a chance just in case.

    All the best.

  3. Advice? Hmmm. Dear Poster, you have (as you said) tried to reassure him the best way you can, promised to "adapt" (whatever that implies...though I'm thinking it could relate to being "under" him), promised not to raise the issue of "who's the man" in the house, but he's apparently not convinced. In short, HE DOESN'T TRUST YOU. Sorry for being that blunt, but that's just the simple truth here.

    I don't want to ruffle your feathers by saying you should walk, seeing as you've invested so much emotional energy into this relationship, but is there anything else there is to say apart from "Walk"? Are you ready to hang on and continue *grooming* him out of his ego? It's up to you really.

    You've done your best, done what most women (and men) will not do, but this really is up to you; walk or hang on. All the best.


  4. Move on darling...

  5. Just forget him Abeg...

    He's matured enough to know what he wants. if he wanted you, there won't be much stories here.

    I hope you are matured enough to move on as well. Except you r thinking of only your selfish interest of being in love... Stop it then

  6. Dear poster, as much as I am sad about the situation, the man does have a valid point. Its easy to say you won't lord it over him in the future and that you can submit but you don't know the future and he's not looking at your submission now, he's looking at your submission 10years from now when you still make more than he does(probably cos of those family expenses). Also, you can only speak for yourself in the area of respect as regards your family. Can you honestly say they would all respect and not look down on him?

    His fears are very valid, I have seen some of these marriages and trust me 90% of them don't end well. These kinds of situations emasculates the man in the long run. So, as much as I feel sorry for your situation, I also feel bad for the guy(if he truly loves you) cos this can't be easy on him too.

    I think like Clare suggested, try using your connections to get him a better job and see what happens in 6months. I wish you the very best.

    PS: I hope your job is worth moving all the way from Atlanta for? I hope that part is at least going very well for you.

  7. In the mischievous part of my brain, I opine that this lady should hook up with the guy referred in the opposite post and the guy in this post should hook up with the lady in the opposite post.... matter resolved.

    Now to being serious, Just send him the link to this post and ask for his feedback.

    Reiterating what Clare said, try to connect him to better paying opportunities if he'd be so inclined to accept the offer. Also, you guys can plan together how you intend to divide finances to meet future family needs (if there is a union), how you intend to finance rent/house purchase, living costs, children's education etc, perhaps this may re-assure him of your intentions and your outlook to money in a marriage (please take this step with caution).

    Don't close your eyes to other options if he isn't bulging.

  8. My dear, walk away. He is honest enough to tell you his fears. Believe him and walk away. Men don't let go of their egos. Even if he makes money, he will rub it in your face. If you pay the bills, everything you do will be misconstrued as an attack on his flat pocket.

    Then the abuse will start. It doesn't have to be physical. But you will be abused. Just leave this chap. When you marry, you will find out just how difficult it is to keep to your words.

    There are so many of us living the Tiwa Savage life. But not as brave as she was. Please don't do it. And I'm talking about him only. His family will also come with their troubles, insecurities, envy and anger. Marriage is hard enough on its own. It will be harder with this baggage.

    Don't take that path. Just walk away.


  9. Love should not be this hard. I dare say that no matter how submissive and respectful you will be as a wife he will still see those things he mentioned above. Two people MUST be willing to make a marriage work for it to work. You've given him the little push needed to persuade him,sister you left the US even without a commitment. If that does not convince him on how far you are willing to go for your love then..... do not coarse him into this marriage, it won't end well. You will spend your lifetime convincing him that every move you make in your marriage is not aimed at emasculating him. J

  10. I know this is totally unrelated, I just need an outlet.
    Dear cousin,
    I know this is late, I have been in shock hoping to wake up, hoping someone would tell me it's all a bad dream. I still remember calling your mom and talking at length. Little did I know you were on your deathbed. I asked and Anty told me everyone was fine and then proceeded to listen to me and my little problems. You were laid to rest yesterday still don't believe it.
    Good bye dear cousin we love u but God loves you more. Till we meet to part no more.

    1. My darling I'm so sorry for your loss. Death is so final and painful. I'm only tonight just hearing that a very dear friend just lost the spouse and I haven't even been able to call because I have no words, "I'm sorry for your loss" just wouldn't cut it. How can someone so young who's just starting life lose a life partner? Where does one even begin? I cannot claim to know how either of you feel but I know that the loss of someone you love must be terribly painful. May your cousin rest in peace and I pray God comforts your family, especially your Aunty, during this period. My condolences...

    2. Thanks Thelma,
      She was soo young in her early twenties had her whole life ahead of her. It hurts.
      I pray God gives your friend the grace to bear the loss. When I called my aunt I couldn't talk literally I was in shock
      Thanks I just needed a place to vent

    3. Thanks Thelma,
      She was so young in her early twenties.
      I pray God gives your friend the strength to carry on.


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