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Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Dear Thelma... (My Late Mum Said He's My Husband But I Don't Love Him)

Please post because I find myself in a very confusing situation. I have been in a relationship for seven years, since 2009. Last year I started talking to someone else and I never intended to cheat on my boyfriend but I started having feelings for him. He knew about my boyfriend but he still wanted us to have a relationship and we became exclusive in that he is faithful to me. Now I've fallen in love with this other guy and he is the one I want to spend my life with. I still love my boyfriend but I stopped being in love with him since 2014 but any time I hinted at breaking up he will become so emotional and beg me, and because I love him I would stay. There is nothing wrong with him, I love him and I know he loves me more than life, also he is very comfortable and is a good person, but I have lost attraction and feelings for him. I always have to make up excuses why we can't spend time together and on some weekends I even lie that I'm travelling for work so that I don't have to see him, and I can spend time with my other guy. Both men want to marry me, I have met their families and am welcome in both places. The new guy is not perfect but he's also a good person, we have more things in common and we are more compatible. Also he loves me and fully supports all my dreams. I also love that he is very ambitious like me. 

To cut the long story short, my long time boyfriend wants to start planning with his family and mine for our introduction but I don't want this. The reason I cannot put my feet down is because before I lost my mum in 2013 she used to say that he is my husband. This is the cause of my confusion now. I don't know if she said it prophetically, instructively or just playfully self. This is the reason I have not fully been able to break up with him. The truth is that even if I wasn't dating this new guy, I still would not want to marry him. Now I just don't know what to do, both guys are mid thirties and ready to settle down, I am of age too. I don't want to enter a boring loveless marriage, i notice I now get irritated when my long time boyfriend touches me and I no longer look forward to seeing him. But my late mum's words keeps ringing in my ears and I have never been so confused in my life. BVs I need your advise please. 


  1. How about the poster avoid both men for a while? Find yourself and pray for guidance in the process? It is never really a good idea to pick a spouse while you are multi dating especially as judgement is often clouded. When person A is doing something to you and you take offense, its easy to run to person B without understanding if you were wrong, or how issues should be dealt with in the long run. You end up settling for one person and wonder why you guus cannot communicate within the chosen relationship.

    All the my mother and my pastor said dont carry weight with me.

    1. I second Pynk's response. Think more of what your mother would want for you - would she want you to be happy in marriage or not? Chrisyinks

  2. You ask a question. You have the answer. In fact, what is the question sef?

    Mama said something years ago, mama is now dead. You are alive. You love one and dont love the other. Seems pretty straight forward to me. You know what to do.

    Makes me wonder. Is this how we disturb Baba God for guidance on things we have the answers to? Praying for Gods direction when the path forward is clear.


  3. If you feel it's not right don't enter into marriage with the person. The truth is that your first boyfriend may be the perfect husband but if you don't see him as one, no matter how good he is he won't be good enough for you. Free the guy so he can find some other person. I think it's unfair to hang in there knowing fully well you do not want to marry him.

    New "love" dey shark well well. In seven years it may also become boring with the new guy so learn to dig deeper than the initial butterflies and find how to keep the flame burning. Just saying.J

    1. Spot on! Poster just pray for divine direction shikena, and pls stop double dating biko.

  4. "...Now I've fallen in love with this other guy and he is the one I want to spend my life with. I still love my boyfriend but I stopped being in love with him since 2014...".

    A year after you lost your mum, the love died..or did it?

    "...There is nothing wrong with him, I love him and I know he loves me more than life, also he is very comfortable and is a good person, but I have lost attraction and feelings for him...".

    He loves you, he is comfortable, he's a good person, and you love him. The excuse now is "attraction". The sideguy in your life is making you misinterpret the essence of your mum's words (GOD rest her soul). They're just plain words out of what she observed in your relationship. Breakup with your side guy NOW. He's making you over think. And, like Miss Pynk suggested, take a break from your main guy until the "attraction" finds its way home.

    Stay blessed.

  5. Clarity will come when you pray harder and dig deeper. For petes sake Stop double dating at a critical point in your life.

    In marriage its more than attraction.

  6. You know what you want, you are here disturbing us.

    It's really see-finish syndrome. What makes you think when you break up and move on with the 2nd one, a third one won't come along? you are back at the same cycle over again yeah?

  7. You stopped loving him in 2014 and you led him on for two years while dating someone else? Do you know what he could have done in those two years if you had let him go? He probably would have found a woman who deserves this love that "irritates" you. I just hate this kind of situations where you waste someone's time and emotions while yours are well protected by in your closed off heart. Its wrong and selfish, eating with both sides of your mouth.

    If you truly have no feelings for the guy, leave him and move on! Now he's making moves to make you his wife and you're still asking jamb questions about the place. Grow a pair already! Make a decision and stick to it. Don't go into that marriage and make his life miserable, you both deserve better. No one here can tell you that your mother was prophesying or that she was just joking, besides, what has that got to do with anything? Its not your mum that's getting married, its you and the guy. If you don't love him any more, tell him now and move forward.


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