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Monday, 23 May 2016

Fake It Until You Make it?





"But please explain to me why you want to use your hands to spoil your own thing?"


Ada was visibly confounded. I'd just told her I went out with Mr Perfect and there were some interesting things that happened. It was date 1, where all those questions were asked. That one date that ultimately decide things going forward. It's the same some men have said "It was only the first date but I just knew she was The One". 

And that's my friend's fear. That Mr Perfect would say "It was only the first date and I just knew she was not The One". Well, I agree with her. Here's why. 

I got to the restaurant before Mr Perfect and waited a few minutes before he finally arrived. We'd seen a couple of times since we met but this would be our first real date. Not long after exchanging pleasantries I said I wanted to get something to eat and he asked "You didn't cook today?". No, I didn't. 

"Why? You didn't have the time?". I had the time, I just wanted to eat out. 

"Oh, but you cook?". Err, yes, but not often. Rarely, in fact. 

"Huh?", Mr P was dumbfounded... "It's just that I don't really eat food and I tend to lose my appetite after cooking, and I have no one else to cook for, so I rarely cook. I actually don't enjoy cooking much". I confided in him. 

Mr P was aghast. Maybe I went too far by adding that last bit of information. I've been accused of being too open...

So after Mr Perfect expressed his confusion/surprise/disapproval at hearing me say I don't cook much we moved on to other things. 

Church. 

I'm catholic he said. Yes, me too... But I go to House on The Rock rather often. He didn't seem very pleased to hear this, but not as displeased as when he asked if I'd gone to church the previous Sunday and I said no. 

"Why?" He asked. 

I told him I didn't feel up to it and for the second time that night, Mr P was in shock. 

He berated me and lectured me on how important it is to go to church on Sundays. At some point he said "Well, I don't know how you see it, but I think it's simply madness when a Christian says they do not go to church on Sundays!". 

Mr Perfect was looking less perfect in my eyes by the minute but that's besides the point. 


..."But please explain to me why you want to use your hands to spoil your own thing? Why did you have to tell him all that? Did he really have to know? See marriage staring you in the face and see you using your own hands to push it away!", Ada had said.  

My friend, like many other women, believe that you should keep certain things under wraps in the face of a prospective spouse, until after the wedding. One friend of mine often said "I'm a mad woman but he will never know, until he marries me". A lot say there's wisdom in being he's idea of a good wife, even if those characteristics are not in your nature. When he puts a ring on it, ehen, you can now begin to display your true colours and by then it will be too late for him to do anything about it! 

I actually see sense in this. I sometimes wonder if I've chased prospectives away with my openness. In fact, I've been advised by some boyfriends to keep certain details of my life/personality/character hidden from my husband to be, when I have one, lest he might go from husband-to-be to ex-boyfriend. 

Apparently being stark honest about who you really are doesn't get you very far, especially in this race to the altar. 

So what do you think about this? Ladies are there things that should be kept away from le boo before marriage? Are there things you deliberately did not allow dear husband know about you before you got married? Or do you adopt the "Take me as I am or leave me" stand?

Isn't 'faking' (i.e being economical with showing him the parts of who you are than might make him rethink 'wifying' you) it until you make it a good idea when you've finally been found by the one you want to spend your life with?



Ps; I think men are more guilty of not showing their true colours until after they've married you...

18 comments:

  1. I am all out for showing my real personality, no faking or fronting. What is mine is mine, I wouldn't have to cut corners.

    I tell it as it is, but I don't kiss and tell( talking about some freaking past if any).

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  2. If you can't stand my truth, there's no point considering "forever" with you.

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  3. I have always been a very open person and in my openness through the reaction of the other person, I know who I want or don't want.
    I don't know how this things work though since I'm not getting married soon. So over to the Masters.

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  4. These comments are lies. How many women are honest to the men they want to marry about their body counts, abortions, envying other women and other nasty things? I think this is part of what thelma is talking about. A lot of women lie about these things so that men will not run away.

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  5. I believe certain things should be kept under wraps but why should Ada complain because of insignificant things like info on "Cooking" and "Church"? Keeping these information secret is like succumbing to pathetic sentimental display. "I don't cook/I seldom cook" is being interpreted as "you'll die of hunger and frustration as long as we're together". Same misinterpretation goes for "I seldom go to Church", it is now "I'm condemned".

    Boys and girls, be open about such things. Those who will accept you for who you are plenty for market.

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  6. I support the motion that women should fake it till he puts a ring on it. But ofcourse this has to be done with sense.

    Like I tell people - Only the bad ass bitches get the men to get on his knees and put a ring on it. There is a difference between a bitch and a bad ass bitch.

    A bad ass bitch is a wise woman that knows what to be honest about and what to be quiet about. When to fight and when to make peace.

    - A bad ass bitch will tell you she can cook but will use her money to employ a cook when yall marry.
    - A bad ass bitch will tell you she is a worker in Church but suddenly become too tired for Church activities after marriage.
    - A bad ass bitch will have sex 4 times a week before marriage but only do once in 2 weeks after marriage.
    - You will only see a bad ass bitch in heels before marriage but once you marry she is in flats and no make up every day.

    The point is. You gotta be wise. Let him see that you have what he wants and then get him to commit. Once you are married then all these things are not so important to a good husband (Note the 'good husband' part)

    in another days post we can talk about how to identify a good husband.

    The honest girls are still single while the bad ass bitches are getting married every Thursday at Ikoyi registry.

    Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My brother... Bad ass bitches everywhere.
      I know me some bad ass bitch. Perfect example of this.

      Delete
    2. Lol... I have a love-hate kinda feeling for Kon, mostly love tho..

      Delete
    3. @Kon I disagree with your opinion. There's nothing like being who you are. It liberates you from trying to hard in any relationship and helps you focus in learning whom you are with. The time and energy you would have used in being what you're truly not, you would spend building an honest relationship.
      My case is different, trying to be as you described got me nowhere, but immediately I became myself, I met my husband who by the way earned my complete trust and I earned his complete trust too. Before we got married we had talked about every dirty little secrets of both us (body count, abortion (those he was a party too also) and all.
      Not every man can take the whole truth as to your past like mine did, so don't go revealing if your man isn't that type of person, but be who you truly are. It helps in the future.
      I definitely wouldn't want a man who pretended to me. I wouldn't be able to live with such a person. ----UGO

      Delete
  7. Lol... I rarely cook and every guy I meet knows that. There's no energy to keep up appearances.

    I don't believe in full disclosure(body count and abortion count ish) cos you can't go about telling every guy you date such sensitive information until you are sure he's committed and has a good head on his shoulders. That said, small matters like whether or not you like cooking and church ish should be something you discuss before hand as those are situations/opinions that can be worked on and changed. Infact, I think they make for the most interesting conversations and bonding time as you both get to laugh at the one who doesn't like to cook, and then you can have serious conversations about church, God, etc. I don't see how these two topics are deal breaking issues.

    That lady who is "crazy" but won't show the guy until they are married is just setting herself up for more grief than she can handle cos when the guy eventually finds out that she's indeed crazy, what's the assurance that he won't bolt out of the marriage? Its deception, plain and simple. Do you know how many guys are looking for crazy chics...lol, you'd be surprised. Tell the truuuuuuuth*in Jamal Lyon's Voice*

    #MyTwoCents

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  8. My comments are getting lost. Whyyy?!!:(

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  9. I really don't think it is about being economical with the truth as it is about exercising a good deal of discernment. First impressions count, thus whatever is said or communicated at a debut meeting is oftentimes extraordinary magnified to give a perceived full picture - a picture that may be misleading and an inaccurate representation - of such person.

    As much as I value openness in a relationship, there are certain information that the other party wouldn't be ready for at the first date or the earlier stages of a relationship or friendship. Knowing what to say and when to say it can help a great deal in one's quest in relationships.

    These said, I do not in any way justify faking or misrepresentation.

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    Replies
    1. There is a clear difference between discretion on a first date and faking till you make it.

      Delete
  10. it seems many people dont know what marriage means. u want to get into something with someone for the rest of ur life and u are forming? faking? keeping what under wraps? no wonder marriages dont work out these days. I promise most of you all, follow the keeping things under wrap advice and u will surely have an unpleasant marriage (if it does not lead to divorce anyways)
    i advocate being open and real to someone u are considering getting married to. the right person will have no problems with that (thelma why do u think ur mr perfect kept getting less perfect as u got more open, hes not d one for u) love has to do with accepting someone as they are, regardless of what these flaws could be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for this. I mean is it the same idea I have about marriage that other people have please? Or isn't it no longer a serious commitment? Someone you will spend the rest of your lives with? I mean if you don't trust that person, why in the hell are you handing your life over to him/her? This is such a ridiculous idea. It's not about how fast but about how well. Just take your time and do it well. Whatever you believe is what comes to you. ---UGO

      Delete
  11. the whole fake it till u make it thing is simply a sign of desperation. the right person for u will always come along. if d person no come ehn stay one place na

    ReplyDelete

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