For the longest time, I dreamt of driving. Literally. I would dream that I was physically driving a car. Bear it in mind that I had no prior driving experience, but I always seemed to handle the steering well.
Took a while before I eventually started driving, but now that I do, I cannot have it any other way. The older folks praise my driving as calm and smooth, but deep down, I know that I am a road beast. The only things stopping me is that I don’t drive a beast. Not yet. When I get my Tundra, I will buy a special pair of sunshades and chant‘bow down bitches!’ while I oppress every gaddemperson on the road. I don’t know why, but I love and respect Tundras. I mean, they can crush me and my car, and not take notice. I always give them way unless it’s one rickety model. I will block you!
Two things I hate about driving – Kekes and Slow SUV drivers. How are you driving an SUV and crawling like a snail please? Madam, if your vehicle is bad, take it off the road abeg. I will honk, cross and block you. I take Kekes and I know how slow they move so to an extent, I sympathise with them, but please stick to the outermost part of the road abeg. Then sometimes, these Kekedrivers take the piss and spread out like a fan on the road. Biko, respect yourselves. Once I see a Keke, I place my hand on the horn and start to count because it’s only a matter of time. Please, who else has noticed the how bright Keke headlamps are? Hian! I don’t know which is more annoying, Kekes coming at you with full lights or Kekes honking at you. I will just park and block the road. Is my car their mate? In one of my unlady like moments, I told a Keke driver I would crush him. I went home afterwards and prayed for peace.
I lied. I hate more than two things. You know the special breed of idiots who try to push you off the road when you’re carefully trying to navigate a pothole, or the ones who try to overtake you at a speed bump, or the ones who cut in front of you and then don’t move. I will ruin your eardrums. Oh, my horn is the absolute best even though it acts like it has sore throat sometimes. My horn has the special gift of startling you. As the Lady that I am, I honk with a smile on my face of course.
Ehhhhh! Then those oncoming vehicles speeding towards you. ON YOUR LANE. With their full lights glaring! HAAAAA!!! There is a special place in hell for those ones. Right next to those who hog two lanes. I am forever screaming these days because of these latter breed of drivers. Stay. In. Your. Fucking. Lane. (Driving makes me curse.) I am sure you can tell that I am far from being a Lady when I drive. In fact, I curse in the three major dialects when I drive.
I am also that annoying backseat driver. The type that steps on imaginary brake and gas pedals because … trust issues maybe. There are few I trust to drive me. Fewer, to drive my car safely. It is not my car you will take risks with. Mba! I once had a friend try to double cross one lunatic of a driver. He was driving my car! Like boy, do you realise how much trust I have in you and now you want to ruin that and block some idiot at 6 am on Lagos roads. He is a lunatic yes, but chill bro.
That said, some man blocked me in Lagos in front of a popular market and wanted to beat me atink. That must be the only reason, since he came down from his car and walked to my side of the car. He had a lady in the car and I felt embarrassed on her behalf. I never heard what he said coz I wound my glass up and kept staring at his horrible dentition with a poker face. I knew he could not beat me with all the people gathered. Ntoiiiiiii for him. What did I do? The question should be, what did he do? I was carefully trying to do hopscotch because … potholes, but he was clearly impatient and kept trying to overtake bully me off the road. He was behind me and I refused to be bullied so I kept at it and inadvertently blocked him from overtaking me.
If I am in a good mood, I block impatient people from overtaking me who try to bully me off the road. This category is reserved for those who try to overtake me at speed bumps. Don’t care how wide the road is. You and I will do zig zag till someone gets tired. I have been known to give a victorious smile and wave to my opponent when we’re done coz more often than not, the Lady wins. I would not advise you to do that sha.
In all of my road rage, I have recently come to the conclusion that my car is my safe space and I guard it jealously. Nobody’s car is neater than mine. I’ve given up on the body, because no matter how carefully you drive, there’s always be someone who scratches your car or bumps into it. I mean, a pedestrian stretched out her hands and somehow broke my side mirror with her bag. I’m still puzzled about how that happened.
I offered a colleague a lift and not only did she stink up my car, she spoke loudly on her phone the entire journey. She didn’t even get off the phone to mouth say thank you. I did not know her destination either. It was not until I was driving past that she viciously indicated she was alighting at that spot. I hate to stop or turn abruptly. I love to have my destination well mapped out so I know when and where to exit. I am all for driving on the appropriate lane especially at exits. Not here for all that criss-crossing. I would hate to put anyone or myself at risk. I am a careful driver. Best believe. I haven’t agreed to give her a lift since then because I want to keep my space sane. I’ve been toying with putting a list of dos and don’ts in my car: don’t speak loudly on the phone the entire journey; don’t eat (this is negotiable); don’t throw your thrash out the window (are you a pig?); do tell me your stop way ahead (otherwise I will drive past and only stop where it is convenient); and do remember to say thank you when I offer you a lift. I have not had issues with anyone touching my stereo sha and I don’t think anyone will. If they do, I will just smack their hands.
I think Abuja and Port Hacourt drivers are worse than Lagos drivers!