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Ask Kon. Miss 'Can You Love Without Giving?'





Ask Kon is new segment on TTB where blog readers get to send in their mails to our very own Kon and he in turn would share his candid opinion and/or advise. The rest of us get to share our thoughts in the section too. Kon is not an expert but his interesting views on various issues spanning different topics lend him a lot of appeal. Also, he is a GUY and don't we all wish we had a male friend to help us navigate the murky waters of love and life? You can send your Ask Kon mails to thelmathinks@gmail.com. 

Mails addressed to Kon should be simply titled Ask Kon. I'm looking forward to hearing from you. Read the latest mail sent to Kon below. 


Dear Mr. Kon

I need your opinions on this issue, so I wouldn't sound feminist on my advice 

A lady friend has been in a relationship for almost a year with this lovely guy (according to her), due to nature of their jobs seeing is not often as it should but they make through phone calls. Which she is not complaining about as we all know the state of the economy. 
But here is what is the koko; she has not ever gotten any simple thing from this lovely guy, not even a recharge card as a gift, to either make up for their long calls. On various occasions, on his own will he has promised he will send but my babe never see any 2 digit talk more of 12 digits.  
She is wondering if they say you can't "love without giving" (though you can give without loving), those she read meaning into it as a Red flag as our lovely guy is hinting on building a future together.

please help a sister here. 
Thanks!!!!




Kon: Whuh??? Recharge card??? As in.....recharge card?? Please! Stop it!

Firstly, I dont think women should ask their partners for anything, except its absolutely important and he is the only hope (where the independent women at?) When I say partners I mean boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, its completely different in marriage. I think - it is extremely be belittling for a babe to ask a guy for recharge card. How much is recharge card sef. If a chic asks me for recharge card its minus 50 points. To me, it means she is not willing to commit her resources to the relationship and is looking to me as a provider (Am I her father?) This is 2016! All hands must be on deck to make relationships work. Its also minus 50 points if a chic:
1. Wants to come see me and then says "you will pay for my cab o!" What?! Take a damn bus.
2. Always only buys boxers and other cheap stuff for me on my birthday
3. Never offers to pay for stuff when we go out and cant use her initiative to surprise her man by taking him on a date. Even when we buy fan yogurt in traffic she wants me to pay. WTF?!

If your friend really cant afford the long distance calls then she should reduce her calls to him. One day he will notice the reduction in calls and ask why (If he really cares). Then she can say the truth - which is that she doesn't have money for airtime. He will naturally use his brain and send some airtime to her. But a chic must never ever ever ever ask a guy for something as little as recharge card. Never disrespect yourself like that.

Peace.


***

Kon has shared his thoughts. Please share yours. 

Comments

  1. I don't think it's a one size fits all situation. My partner a.k.a boyfriend is first my friend, and I ask my friends for stuff. Sometimes not because I don't have the money but just cos I want him to get it for me. Same with my girl friends too. And he also asks me for stuff. We're both students. Does it reduce the way I respect him? No. He's not the only person that spends in the relationship. He's even actually fine doing all the spending, but I also try my best to spend as much. Loving is giving. God gave up Christ for us. In relationships, we should give our time, our substance, our materials. Its only natural. Gifts are one of my strong love languages anyway. As for the babe, she should go as kon says. I'm not in any way encouraging materialism o.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seconded. Is it easy? Let your sister tell you her boyfriend hasn't bought her any gift or even ask you for recharge card always, if you won't ask her 'come that your boyfriend what is he doing sef'? Please give realistic advice. Holla!
      A girl

      Delete
  2. Kon I think she used the recharge card as an illustration, not that it's really want she wants or needs from the guy.
    One can't love without giving but you can give without loving. One year is a long time to not have received anything from the guy. Same goes for the lady, have you also given? There's isn't any rule as to who should give first, if you as the lady have given its only natural for you to expert same from him. It could be a red flag..but before you conclude that you need to ask yourself certain questions
    1. What's his financial status at the moment (this isn't really a genuine excuse thou cos the gift doesn't necessarily have to be expensive, it's the thought that counts)
    2. Is he naturally a giver? The few times you guys have spent together what were you able to deduce about his personality
    3 . And so on and so fort.
    When you must have answered all these and more,and also listen to your heart, you will find the answer you need. Shalom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some Nigerian ladies feels that once your in a relationship with a guy that he automatically takes care of her needs. Just like kon said, I find it very offensive when ladies demand for recharge card before they call. What the lady is saying is that she can't buy her own recharge card if she was not in a relationship with the guy

      Delete
  3. I feel the popular statement about 'love without giving' is correct. Although, I would caution that one shouldn't narrow giving to solely financial related giving. Time, resources, non-financial assistance also count as worthy means to express love. Also, the boo in question might not consider giving (finance-related giving) as a love language. His time, service towards his partner and other languages might be his dominant form of expressing love. (You can read about love languages online).

    To remedy the situation, I'd advice that you advise your lady friend to give him gifts on maybe two or three occasions - a guy in a committed relationship would understand that he should return the gesture. Sometimes, a guy needs a cue from his partner to know what he should be doing. If the giving goes unrequited, she can engage him in a discussion pertaining to her desire to receive gifts likewise - the outcome of the discussion should determine her next course of action.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "On his own will he has promised he will send" Oga did you not read that part.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Does he have to wait till she reduces the amount of time spent on calls she makes to him before he gets a signal? I'm not saying it's cool for her to ask him out-rightly, if he is a ''natural at giving'', he'd have been recharging her phone once in a while without her having to involve any reduction tactics what so ever.
    Another thing is, they can both get a CUG line (not sure if I got that right) where by they can both make free calls at the cost of a thousand naira for an entire month.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The pert I don't get is why he will promise to send but fails to. It is bad enough that he isn't giving at least we can excuse that but why say you will give and end up not doing so. Total turn off.


    For me I don't see how one can be in a relationship for close to a year and no gift has exchanged hands from both parties. Even if the boo is clueless in that department the best you can do is show him the lead just like some people have mentioned and if he still doesn't,then maybe you can bring it up and discuss it with him. There are 99 serious issues to worry about in a relationship and gift buying isn't one of them.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oga Kon, why limit this to recharge card?

    In as much as I believe women should not ask a man for stuffs except it is extremely important, urgent and there is no other means, I believe giving should be part of loving, on both sides. The question I would like to ask the lady concerned is: does she herself give? Sometimes, we need to show what we want the other party to do. Ladies should stop thinking it is the obligation of only the man to give.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  8. For God so love the world that he GAVE''' his only begotten son. Love... gave.... no giving.... no love.

    ReplyDelete
  9. KON has a point but I think it's either of 2 things.
    1. The guy is not financially buoyant and so he can't afford to send her the airtime, or do other things.
    2. He's tight fisted. You CANNOT express care without expending something. Time isbone but I don't think it's enough over a period

    ReplyDelete
  10. The only reason why some ladies feel they are entitled to receive gifts from guys is because they feel that in the cause of the relationship that the guy will one day demand for sex from them. But what they don't know is that having sex with a guy is entirely their choice. You don't favour a guy by having sex with him. It's a two way thing it's either you want to or not. So ladies please if a guy is not ready to give you a gift please don't pressure him into doing it when he is ready the gifts will flow. If you add value to someones life, they will surely appreciate you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. A whole year and nothing? Not even orange or apple? 'i was passing by and saw these apples and decided to get some'? Or even orbit lol i'm just trying to make sure when u said nothing u actually meant nothing! It is bad biko. Make sure u talk to him about it and then decide, a whole year is too much to single out a guy, call him 'boyfriend' and nothing to show for it lol...he even promises to send and doesn't on several occasions, meaning he knows he supposed to.....

    ReplyDelete
  12. The lady in question has given on her part on various occasions and didn't count it as anything but with pattern of not returning anything apart from phone calls. made she think she is being taken for granted. thats why the question for second opinion

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm gonna assume you are the poster. As I earlier advised, she should discuss the nagging issue with her boo and hopefully, he'd be able to see reasons with her perspective. I wouldn't hastily advice her to quit the relationship - this should happen if she highly despises tight-fisted guys or she's reasonably certain that over time, he wouldn't change to being a giver. If not, I'd advice she should stick to him and work on him for no one is perfect. Chrisyinks

      Delete

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