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Friday, 30 September 2016

And When She's Gone He's Free To Do Whatever. But When He's Gone, She's Stumped.

Sometime last year a facebook friend and former school mate of mine lost his wife. Very young lady, still in her 20s. 

It was so sad to watch. Dude often posted pictures of his deceased wife that made us all part of his pain. We sympathized and empathized with him. Some of us even cried. 

Can you then imagine the shock many felt when barely months later, this guy gets married to another chic? What was even more preposterous is that the new wife was a friend of his late wife. 

Shock and disgust don't adequately convey how I felt. 

But guess what, life went on. He's living freely with the wife he married few months after his wife died and his reason; the children need a mother. 

And that makes it ok!

But when a woman loses her husband NOBODY ever says the children need a father. (And on the rare occasion that they do, they tell her that her late husband's brother is now her husband). 

In fact if a widow even dreams of marrying another man two or three years after her late husband's death the world will descend upon her! They will say she didn't mourn him. Some will suggest that she killed him. She will become a pariah. 

I thought we are supposed to be the weaker sex? Apparently that doesn't apply here, we have selective weakness. Haha. 

A woman loses her husband and while they may or may accuse her of killing him, they will put the poor bereaved woman through all kinds of hell before, during and after the man's burial. And even long after the burial she is to continue mourning, wear white or black and minimal jewelry/makeup for the next one year. Should not be seen socializing or even seen to be having a good time. Should basically not as much as entertain the thought of marrying another man in the foreseeable future. God forbid the woman have needs! How can she entertain the thought of sex or even feel lonely? She is wood na! They will say "Just continue to pray and praise God. Your husband is Jesus now. In fact you now have 3 husbands; the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Lucky you!". Yes. Her children become her life and if she dare step outside this norm it is an abomination! 

A man loses his wife and the world floods him with pity and empathy. During her burial he's treated like a king and a baby all in one, he may even attend his wife's burial with her replacement in tow, if he so wishes. He is shielded from any stress and everything is taken care of by others so he need not worry himself with mundanities. He is encouraged to send the children to stay with relatives for a while so that they can be better taken care of so that he can "chill" or focus on work. And shortly after that, if he isn't already planning on taking a new wife, his family and everyone else is telling him to. "You need a woman. You need a wife to take care of you. You need a wife to look after the children. You will be too lonely o!". And all the while he's free to wear a coat of many colours if he wants. 


At this point I need to address people that snigger and sneer at the concept of feminism. These are the issues and disparities we carry in mind when we fight for our cause. It is not about who will or will not cook. It's not about who will sweep the house or change diapers. And it's certainly not about hating, disrespecting or emasculating men. The battle is way bigger and realer and most times even totally unrelated to that!

There is something terribly wrong with our society. For too long this has been the norm so naturally some of you consider it natural or even right and see no reason why things should be different. 

Well think again and ask yourself "who double standards epp?". Ask yourself why what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander. 

I hear some men ask "What gender inequality? What exactly do you women want that you cannot have?"  

Well guys the above is just one among tens. I hope this post has given you a glimmer of clarity. 

I didn't write this post with feminism in mind so i'll stick to the topic. What are your thoughts on this matter? Do you think there are good reasons for things being this way? Think about it, why is a woman put through so much, so many punishments, rules and restrictions  when she loses her husband, but none of these apply when a man loses his wife?

Think on it and let's talk. 



  1. I have a unique perspective to the issue of death of a spouse.

    I feel that in the unfortunate event of the death of a spouse, the other spouse shouldn't be constrained in taking a new partner from the next second succeeding the death of the said spouse. For most people, one of life's goals is happiness and much of happiness is companionship. One shouldn't be constrained due to societal norms to be lonely and unhappy. Many people treasure their lost loved ones in different ways and abstinence from forming relationships shouldn't be made the only way.

    PS: who has read Olusegun Adeniyi's and Oby Ezekwesili's article on the sale of NLNG? beautiful articles if I may remark! Chrisyinks

    1. Read Oby Ezekwesili's. Maybe you should write an opinion piece on the sale of assets. Based on your choice of words in reference to the above articles, it's obvious which side of the divide you're on. Still, a piece from you would be nice. 😊

    2. Bet why Tee? how can you tell chrisyinks to write his opinion when you and I know that uncle will send in epistle with plenty grammer.

      have you not heard "do not touch a lion's tail,alive or dead".

      why evils? 😓😓😓

    3. @ Thelma,

      Sadly, I am not privy to the information sources and data they both referenced in their articles. Thus, I can't draw a well-reasoned and convincing argument as they both did. Moreover, my opinion piece would just be a repetition of an analysis that I consider perfect.

      However, I would send in some articles in the coming weeks.

      @ Blink

      But, I am not a lion naw??? Chrisyinks

  2. Thelma my dear, Most times it is more of societal problem than culture. Even if the culture allows a woman whose husband is dead to remarry, the question is: Who will marry her especially when she has children. Who wants a second hand wife. How many men are ready to train another man's children. Some of these widows honestly need to remarry but how many men are ready to marry them. The most they will get are men who sneak in at night, have sex, if possible impregnate them and sneak out. The society we live in is the problem. Imagine being invited by a single relative to a wedding with a widow. What will be your first question to the guy.

    If you take statistics of 90% married women. 60% of them are going through one marital challenge or another. Domestic violence, emotional abuse, infidelity, parents-in-law issues, Lack of care/love, inability of the man to take responsibility of the children welfare.To mention but a few. Imagine what happens if any of them lose her husband. Its bye bye to marriage for ever. The will happily remain a widow and train their children to avoid going through stress with another man.

    The christian society has not been fair to this issue of second marriage also. Imagine a deacon in your church whose husband is dead come to tell you she wants to marry another man?.
    Islam see nothing wrong about second marriage. Getting married
    again to them is not difficult. If there is anything women should stand against, its the society. Cultures are changing but the society. [me and you) are still very stiff on not wanting our brother, uncle, friend, father to befriend a widow openly more or less marry her.

    1. "The christian society has not been fair to this issue of second marriage also. Imagine a deacon in your church whose husband is dead come to tell you she wants to marry another man?."

      I disagree ma'am. Marriage is "till death do us part" no Christian society would frown at a widow or widower remarrying. Or should I say no bible believing church or fellowship would.
      Doesn't even make any sense that they would. Haba?!

    2. aaah even Dinnma haff join badt gang (epistle like chrisyinks)#in falz the badt guys voice.

  3. You've got a point Dinma. Much needs to be done to correct the issue. Chrisyinks

  4. It's a man's world.If as a woman you can damn the consequences,please go ahead..TNHW

    1. I like your comment TNHW.

      This topic is quite exhausting and to think about the matters arising, all exhausting.
      I'm glad I'm not even in the mood to air a concrete opinion about this, makes me feel better.

    2. Exactly!
      A girl

    3. Exactly!
      A girl

  5. I find it funny when people say "society is the problem". Who is society? We are the problem. If your 30 year old brother comes home to introduce his 28 year old Girl Friend, widow and mother of 2, what will your family say? If your 28 years old sister wants to marry a 30 year old widower, father of 2 what will your family say. The former will get more criticism than the later.

    The problem is us.Our brother becomes a widower( say God forbid lol, though we know we will all die), our mothers will be out in 4 months looking for good girls to help him while grieving (aka new bride). God punish our brothers widow if we catch a man coming out from her house 3 months after the death of our brother. We are the problem 90% of TTB readers,if not more, probably included.

    When we recognize how close the problem is,the easier it will be to eradicate it.

    1. your illustration saved me the typing. change begins with us.

      btw i know the said guy personally back in the days. I even had to unfriend him on fcbk.

    2. Unfair as it sounds...this hs our reality.
      A few women these days are charting differnt paths to ensure thwir happiness and peace of mind comes first. They are no longer bending to conform to cultural norms.

      This issue os both a cultural and societal problem.

      How many men want to carry anither. Man's load....

      Women are juat super awesome beings.

    3. Unfair as it sounds...this hs our reality.
      A few women these days are charting differnt paths to ensure their happiness and peace of mind comes first. They are no longer bending to conform to cultural norms.

      This issue is both a cultural and societal problem.

      How many men want to carry another. Man's load....

      Women are just super awesome beings.

  6. Indeed it is a cultural problem but more of a societal problem.

    Women are getting wiser and are doing whats best for them...its a long road ahead but one day, some day....we will get there.

  7. I share DINMA and Anonymous 3:54's view to a large extent.
    "How many single men would take a widow with kids in as his wife?" And when he does, "How many families will support him?"
    Again, "how many women would take kindly the fact that their husbands 'help' a widow?"

    Proper research will show that most of these issues are recent; in the sense that in the last 100 years or so, these were not issues. Women always remarried, especially where they were young. Worse case scenario, they get married into a polygamous arrangement. In those days, there were also women, too numerous to mention, who left their marriages for domestic abuses.
    It will be important to state at this point that: women are stronger than men in a lot of ways. There are VERY few men who can survive the perpetual absence of a spouse. In this instance, women are the exact opposite. This fact notwithstanding, it does not justify what women go through in some places.


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