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Dear Thelma... (I Saw Flirty and Nasty Texts On My Husband's Phone).





I got married last year November, and I never had any reason to doubt my husband up until now. He lives in nigeria while I live in London but he comes quite often and I go to visit him as well.

He left last Sunday but before he left, I discovered something very shocking. Initially I was suspicious of him because he would take his phone wherever he went - if he went to the bathroom he would take his phone with him. The day before he left I decided to snoop ( never before had I snoop on him). I saw flirty and nasty messages on his phone.

One girl he said he was introduced to by his friend because his friend said he would help her find a job - he started calling her nicknames. Making himself appear wealthier than he is ( he's quite  comfortable though) and he promised to buy her some stuff. He calls her regularly though.

The other one is a runs girl who he said he met in the past - he insists he met her before we got married but I'm not entirely sure. According to the text she spent two days with him and she stopped replying his texts because he gave her 10k instead of 30k.

I'm so sad right now. When I confronted him, he denied initially but I insisted on him showing me the texts. I broke down and he broke down as well.

He left for nigeria not long ago because of work. He promised me that he would never send such messages again and that he never slept with anyone one and that he texts but doesn't act.

I'm so confused - I swore never to tell a single soul about the incident. Another thing that bothers me is that he does not have a single picture of me on facebook - he says he's a private person which is true but shouldnt he at least have a picture of us. I'm so mad that I have been taken for a fool because sometimes I feel like deleting the pictures of us I uploaded to facebook. 

I told him that I have forgiven him but sometimes I feel mad and I have not forgotten. I'm regretting forgiving him too soon. Should I really distance myself from him as in give him the silent treatment or just forget.

Thelma please I need answers . What would you do if you were in my shoes. Please post on the blog. 


***

In your shoes I'm not sure what I will do, never been married... But here's what I think. You're practically newly weds and it's way too soon to have a long distance marriage. Things would be so much better if either one of you could have made the move so that you could live together as a family and build your home. 

This would not in any way stop him from cheating but it would help you understand things better, know how he thinks and be able to see what he's up to. It would also force him to put a leash on his peepee as opposed to living freely like a bachelor without any responsibilities (probably the image he creates on Facebook)... It's really difficult to have a solid long distance relationship where there's an absence of trust, how much more a marriage?

In any case, with regards to your post, I doubt either suggestion you've put up there would help; ie distancing yourself (silent treatment) or forgetting. 

It's way too soon in a marriage to look the other way. HOWEVER there's very little or nothing you can do about a man who cheats. Some people say PRAY, some people say watch WAR ROOM, me I don't know if I subscribe to any of those o! The only advise I can give right now is that if you care so much about your marriage then if it's even remotely possible, work towards either one of you relocating and living together, at least for now. 

As for the Facebook situation, in your shoes I would insist that he either shuts his facebook account or put up at least one picture of us together. I cannot think of ONE single good reason a married man would want to hide the fact that he is married. If anyone knows of any, please let us know. Privacy be damned, that's a weak ass excuse! 

I wonder how committed he is to making his marriage work, because you'd only be wasting your time and peace of mind if he isn't as committed to making this work as you are. So please ensure that you're both on the same page and that he's not more interested in being a married bachelor than he is in being a good husband. 

While I don't believe in praying for one's husband to stop cheating, I believe in praying for wisdom, direction and discernment. That's what I'd ask for in your shoes, assuming you're a religious or spiritual person. 

Please blog readers with more insight, experience and understanding, please share your thoughts. What would you do in her shoes. 

Comments

  1. Thelma, you finished it! Nothing to add.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies

    1. “After donating blood for him I just feel he owes me his life.The truth is that I did not know Obinna from Adams,I just went to the hospital to get my test result and I saw the hod of the blood bank department talking to every one and asking if any body was willing to save a life.I got interested and decided to help,they screened my blood and I was good to go,I donated all I could and they where able to sustain him,few days later I went back and insisted on seeing the person I gave my blood to and they allowed me,this guy was so cute,tall, bearded and looked very calm. He thanked me and we got talking.

      That was how I continued visiting until... READ MORE


      Delete
  2. Thelma you could not have said it better....I can't deal with long distance relationships in other to avoid stories that touch...Madam,if your husband likes he can upload pictures of you guys in bed,that does not stop girls from running after him.So just pray for wisdom to guide you through...TNHW

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear ladies (and not just u in particular) ,have you ever thought of what you wanna do when you finally find what ur looking for? It's one thing to stumble upon it and another thing to snoop for it. Now that you've snooped and found what ur looking for,do u wanna leave him? Move out for a bit? Deny him sex? Beat him? Poison him? Or you just want to know and him too to know that you've caught him?

    My point is,if ur snooping, have a solid next move but if u stumbled upon it,me I donno but either ways,we all know u wldnt end ur marriage because of it...

    ReplyDelete
  4. sorry to deviate from topic but I have just one question ?
    pls how do females cope with spouses from a different tribe/culture?
    so here it goes, I am seeing a Yoruba guy, we are both completing our masters and possibly have a future together.. I am from calabar, my folks cannot speak their language neither can I.. anyways, bobo says when he's mom visits I would have to kneel down.. like both knees on the floor to greet his mom at all times because that is his culture.. lol
    I was shocked because I wasn't brought up that way, I lived in warri with my folks and grand parents but I have never knelt down to greet anyone not even my grandparents.. I really don't know how to let this sink in..
    Is it wrong to not kneel down to greet his mum ?, I have told him this is not something I am used to and I don't think I can as it feels weird.. what else would I have to do if we do get married?
    just saying " good evening ma" is not good enough ?
    please where are the Yoruba folks here, I need answers..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Short answer, you should not marry this guy, marry from Calabar!

      It grieves my heart seeing white people bending back to accommodate African cultures while our people would rather marry a man/woman and be complaining about trivial issues such as this.
      I didn't realize that kneeling down would reduce your height or empty your bank account.
      And the guy is helping you to not fall into the bad books of his mother!

      Waiting for you to teach me how to take a dump in the bush without dealing with all manner of flies.

      Delete
    2. Hian. What's with the pride in kneeling down to greet someone that gave birth to the man you love. Sigh*
      Is your leg paining you?(pun intended)
      Apparently this is a deal-breaker for you Huh? Cos u can't kneel down, wow! Lmao

      Is this babe serious?
      This excuse of you not being used to it is really too cheap. Everyday of our lives we learn and we grow, we accustom and we evolve. So I know you are not 'unopened' to the idea of learning and accepting customs that aren't yours,

      are you?

      If you are, Abeg go and marry calabar guy to avoid having to kneel down to the mother of your future husband.

      I'm sure you would like to go on vacations to other countries where you would be so excited to do things the way it's being done over there. You complain if this was a vacation to a Spanish town or a South African dish or a Japanese restaurant with chop sticks.

      Delete
    3. one statement for yuu.... you arenot ready to get married!
      the way u sound kneeling down would kill you!. next please! u lived in warri, Nigeria and dont know yoruba culture. are u in kindergarten? this post just ticked me off. find another man n dont disturb us again!

      Delete
    4. Don't make the greeting thing any serious than it should be. You probably have learnt how to make Yorba dishes, a bit of the Yorba culture and attires etc. And him likewise. A few seconds of greeting appropriately would do your relationship way more good.

      Delete
    5. The best marriage is the one from your culture. I know of another Calabar woman that was married to Yoruba man, but they are now divorced. She complained a lot about her in-laws and the drama they brought to her marriage. If I will advice you, prevention is better than cure, or alternatively find an Igbo husband, since your culture is more similar to the Igbos.

      Delete
    6. Worried girl aka anon 10.04, I was in your shoes once. Though we were both from the south south, he was brought up to do the knee bending/ head bowing thing. He wanted me to greet his mum like that, but I found it weird. I mean I can tell my mum hi, yet never kneel to greet her. I could play/joke around yet I would never disrespect her. I saw it as eye service. We even had few arguments over it. I tried but it was hard.
      Fast forward 3 years and a breakup after, and a one year stay in Lagos, my knees automatically go down when I want to greet an older person... I swear it's like magic. lol. Iv come to love it anyway.

      What's this epistle about? You will get used to it, and will love it eventually. Trust me I know how you feel (I'm cross riverian as well). But don't lose a good guy (if he is) over bended knees.

      Delete
    7. well i told him i cannot kneel down on both knees to greet anyone as that is a bit too much, like la effizy said..
      doing the quick "one knee down in the air" i can do as thats how I greeted my grandparent.. I will not be kneeling down on both knees to greet.. thats way too dramatic.. and you all that couldnt comment without being rude.. hugs for you all..

      Delete
  5. "...I cannot think of ONE single good reason a married man would want to hide the fact that he is married...".

    I was struggling to cook up some sort of advice spiced with soothing words, but when I saw "not have a single picture of me on Facebook", I was completely confused. What is this world turning into? People cheat and give excuses...flimsy excuses at that. Now it has gone so bad we've run out of excuses, good or bad. What does one say in such a situation? Even Thelma tried to give advice but I'm certain she, like me, isn't even sure her advice scratched any surface. What's all this? Can we all take a break from sinning in this world...just a day off? It's so bad right now I'm literally scared. How can someone be married and be doing this as if it's nothing? Marriage that isn't a year old? Mehn..I'm tired.

    Dear Poster, I'm so so sorry. If you're religious, just pray. This is the best I can do. I'm so sorry...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol @ take a break from sinning.

      Delete
    2. Lmao... Boss your Exhaustion over this travail, as written, sounds very hysterical albeit with all seriousness.

      Bottom line: You just cant deal mehn.
      I mean, where do we go from here.

      Delete
  6. Please blog readers with more insight, experience and understanding, please share your thoughts.

    Thelma, more insight? Ha! There's nothing left to write again Na. Every letter and every word you wrote resonates mine to the bone. This is the best advice she can get, that it is free sef (especially in this recession) is something to be hugely thankful for.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As in Thelma's response hit the nail on the head...no need adding to a perfect response!

      Delete
  7. The long distance relationship thing is always a fertile ground that breeds loneliness and unfaithfulness especially in early marriages. It's just a risk and should be the first thing you should address.

    ReplyDelete
  8. 1) That dude is lame. The least he could have done is delete the texts from the hoes. Manss have no respect anymore.
    2) Girls are too calm these days. A bad ass bitch would have gotten his FB password, logged in and post their wedding pics herself. Thats what you gotta do.
    3) For the success of the marriage you have no choice but to forgive. What you should do is try your best to make sure this doesnt happen again. Ask yourself...why is he sleeping around? The #1 reason is because he is horny and you are all the way in London. He will get tired of wanking. #2 is man is a man is a man! Most men will cheat except there is a strong force guiding them. That strong force is either the fear of God or the presence of a bad ass bitch.

    Peace

    ReplyDelete
  9. T, I was surprised at what you said in the second to last paragraph that; You don't believe in praying for one's spouse to stop cheating but for wisdom... Hope you've critically looks at it from all angles before coming to that conclusion? But what do I know, you're entitled to your opinion. As for me, the advice I usually give which has always been working for me(tested and trusted) is to WAR ROOM IT!

    ReplyDelete
  10. To the poster who says kneeling for her mother inlaw makes her uncomfortable.
    I really think uou should spend more time with your folks to teach you respect.

    I dont understand why you would even consider it a problem. Honestly, you need to evaluate if you want settle with your bae as a mrs.

    To the post at hand. Please woman, your husband will cheat again and again. The differnce is that he will only become better at hiding his escapades. He cried cos he was caught n was foolish.

    On what you have to do......it all boil down to how much you value him and how much you take the vows of marriage seriously. I urge you to next time use a condom when next you visit, since you are both on a long thing.....distant relationships are not so advisable for married couples. More often, the men are unfaithful.

    It sure will take time before you can learn to trust him or forgive him. Let this be the eye opener for you. Forgive him, hard n painful as it is. Dont let it come too easy or too soon , but dont let it be too late, especially if you love him.

    Fact is life sucks as does marriage. Just make sure you have a plan for the next time he cheats.

    So sorry for your pain. I feel you cos i have equall been hurt by my husband in my marriage....he didnt cheat ....what he did was equally as bad.

    The next time it happens and i doubt it will.......i will fuck him up badly and leave him.

    I havent forgiven nor have i forgotten, but i moved on for my sanity.


    ReplyDelete

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