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Friday, 9 September 2016

Dear Thelma (The Minute We Transitioned From Friends To Lovers, Things Became Weird).




Dear TTB Readers….. (My close friend and I like each other but it’s kinda weird transitioning to lovers…)

 I am 24 year old who recently obtained a Bachelor’s degree and already studying for a Master’s degree which means I will be abroad for at least the next 2 years.

Mr B is 26 years, we have been friends for over 7 years and it never occurred to me he liked me although he always jokingly gave hints but I just never thought about it.  He is my godmother’s nephew and I met him at her place so he is like family to me. I eventually traveled abroad for studies around the same time he graduated from Uni. 

Over the years, he has been the one who criticizes my cover letters, resume, biography, speech and every application I submitted for a job position. I always sort his opinion and he even helped build my LinkedIn profile and gave me tips on how to network properly. 

Over the years, we have been there for each other, supported each other during tough times, exams and even dated different people. Somehow, we were comfortable confiding in each other during breakups and to be honest I saw him more like a brother simply because I never took the hints to heart.

3 days ago, I randomly called him and somehow we talked about balancing family and career. We are both very focused on building awesome careers and at the same time wouldn’t want to sacrifice family time in the process. 

don’t know how it happened but after that conversation I felt immense peace. I couldn’t sleep well that night and I took time to go through all our conversations. I noticed some of our chats where he gave some hints but I never took it serious.  I decided I was going to ask him if he meant them considering we were both very single at the moment.

We talked last night and to my surprise, he said he really likes me but was too scared to open up for fear things would go south because of the distance. I chuckled and felt butterflies at that moment and told him everything changed the night we had that conversation. I also told him he doesn’t have to worry that we both can make it work if we want to. We jokingly imagined how my godmother and her family would feel if we announced we were a couple. We concluded on keeping things hush and also discussed our expectations. We made some promises, decided to transition slowly and apologized in advance for the days things will go south.  

After that conversation, I barely slept and everything felt weird. I couldn’t bring myself to text him this morning and he hasn’t buzzed me either. It feels really weird transitioning from being friends to being a couple. It feels awkward imagining our first kiss, sex and everything in between.


What would you guys do if you were in my shoes…


****

Guys first off I'd like to "brag" a little about the poster. For privacy sake let's call her Miss O. As Miss O said, she just graduated and is about to begin her Masters. What Miss O did not tell you guys is that she studied/is studying in an Eastern European country where she bagged a First Class and she also gave the Thank You speech at her graduation ceremony.  

What's even more impressive is that she's in a field that's male dominated. Not Engineering, no, wayyy more technical. A field where women are somewhat like unicorns. Her Masters is only one of the early stages of her academic career. Although she's younger than I am, I admire her so much. We talk from time to time and it's very clear that she has her head screwed on right, she intends to be great and she's taking very great steps to attain that goal. Kudos Miss O!


Now to the post at hand

It seems you both overthought and over analyzed things too early. All that talk about expectations, making promises and plans on how to handle things on the hard days is probably what made things feel weightier than they ought to be. Y'all said you'd start slow yet you started out too serious. You see, once you'd both defined it, things should have started out light and fluffy and fun and you'd both make your rules along the way. You're talking about dating, not a marriage! So in the future do try to keep things light, and then if/when things begin to get serious, you can start to have those conversations. 

The only advise I have is TALK. 

Do not allow this silence and awkwardness fester. If he hasn't called, don't be afraid to call him and ask him why the silence. Also TELL him how you felt, tell him you started feeling some type of way. This would also encourage him to open up and relax too. Allow him talk and LISTEN to both what he's saying and what he's not saying. Once you both talk, you'd figure out how you want to handle things going forward. Do you think it's better to remain friends? Then chuckle it off and  go back to being the awesome friends that you were. Do you think you'd still like to be a couple? Then go ahead and give the relationship a shot. 

So in my humble opinion, the first thing you have to do is have a CONVERSATION. I understand that at your age this type of conversation may be challenging or uncomfortable, but it shouldn't be so hard. Don't overthink it, don't make it too serious. Remember that you've always been friends and have always been able to talk deeply with each other. So now do just that, TALK. 

If you do not talk now, things are going to go downhill, both your budding relationship and your existing precious friendship. If you're both silent now, that friendship is going to melt into oblivion and in a few years you'd find yourself wondering what could have been, if only you'd both been able to just talk about it. 

So talk. And if that's too hard, then have a chat. Just make sure your thoughts and feelings are adequately conveyed. 

Goodluck hun.

People, what would you do in her shoes. Please help! 


20 comments:

  1. Errrm...when Thelma asks for your opinion but has already said it all. Saying anything more would just be tautology. Great piece of advice, Thelma!

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  2. I was there with my ex. We kept our feelings for ourselves under wraps cos we wanted to maintain our friendship. Fast-forward to many years later, our convo went deeper. It was awkward at first,didnt even entertain it but he assured me it was perfectly ok. We opened up about our feelings for each other and realized we were on the same page the whole time. It was a long distance thingy but thanks to technology, I never really noticed.

    What I'm trying to say is,if it doesn't work out,u might lose ur friendship...

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    1. I almost forgot the part where you wrote 'ex',.......

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  3. Congratulations Miss O! Awesome stuff!

    To your post... This was me 2 months ago... I was totally oblivious to the hints even tho everyone around me saw it and by everyone I mean Sunshine The detective.
    Until he summoned courage to ask... Iv still not said yes anyway... He is traveling for his masters and I'm still here in Nigeria sooo.. I don't know how that's gonna work. But it was really weird and funny as hell! one day at a time...! It'll get less weird and transition to normal😊 Just chill... You guys would be fine 😊😊😊 me i sha want to hear the full love story few years from now 😍😍😍
    Mazel Tov✌️

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    Replies
    1. but errm, does he make your knees shake?


      peace *in kon's voice*

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    2. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜­

      Delete
    3. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      My knees are perfectly "fine"! "No shaking"!!!

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    4. Mazel Tov to you too Kabuoy, even though you find it weird. Lol.

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    5. Just imagining how he would be making her knees shake

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    6. Lordamercy! You're going to say yes?😲😲😲😲 Wow!

      Just so everyone knows, Kabuoy is the most clueless woman to ever walk this planet, I kid you not. Until that guy opened his mouth and asked, she did not even see the signs.. just clueless!

      Delete
    7. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
      Wat manner of man are u Mr K?
      Aw can a whole Kabuoy's leg shake? Mind yasef o

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    8. Dominique and Adah! You're well done ooo πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
      Thank you jare Memphis😘
      Uyi warris Laving you?!πŸ€”
      SunshineπŸ˜’πŸ˜’πŸ˜’πŸ˜’ miss detective/clue-full
      You're welcome! We are seeing your hand πŸ™ŒπŸ™ŒπŸ™Œ

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  4. What Thelma said....lol.

    Just wanted to tell a you big and hearty congrats. The sky is your starting point.

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  5. I subscribe to Nwando's opinion.

    Just bear this in mind, dear poster: In the end, you cannot move from lovers to friends. It's not impossible. It is quite difficult, almost impossible. And if that will ever happen, it may take half or more of the number of years you guys spent being 'friends'.

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    Replies
    1. This is the scariest part and I think that's why my closest friend and I have not transitioned. Because deep down we know that we might never find our way back to where we are now.

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  6. Congrats on the academic achievement, go achieve more!

    Sorry, I am firing blank on the main course.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€

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