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Thursday, 22 September 2016

Dear Thelma (...When Your Man's Friends are a Negative Influence and a Threat To Your Happiness)

Tee I remember one post you did long long time ago about when the "other woman" is a man, something like when the threat to your marriage is not another woman/mistress but your husband's friend/s. I am in that situation although we are not married yet. Bae is a fantastic man, nice and loving and faithful to me, never given me a reason to suspect him of cheating. He is not in any way perfect but the main challenge I face with him these days is his friends, mind you these guys are all married. 

Have you noticed that the married men are the more notorious ones? It sounds strange but it is so true, I have seen a lot, both from my fiancΓ©'s friends and from my colleagues, in laws and friends. Married men are the ones more likely to have one night stand with young girls almost everyday or the week, they and their friends swap girls as if it's tomtom, some even go as far as having orgies where they and their friends freely f*ck these girls at the same time. These days married men woo women way better than single men, they will be married but be chasing a girl as if his life depends on it. They will even deny their wives and children just for one round of sex with one small girl outside. What is worst is that married men are less likely to use condoms when cheating than single men, I don't know why but that is just the case. 

Anyway back to my issue. Yesterday for instance they had a hangout, when his friends called him to tell him where they are meeting up bae said "ok we are coming". His friend now asked him we who? He said me and my woman nau. That is how is friends started to laugh at him and mock him. And they do that a lot, they try to make him feel stupid for including me in things and taking me out with him on their hangouts. The funny thing is that am an introvert and don't like going out, but he always wants me to follow him. One day we all went on boat cruise party, one of them actually said in front of me "why did you bring your girlfriend here, that is like taking sand to the beach". 

I am just tired of these people. They try to make him feel stupid for treating me well, they try to make him feel weak for being faithful to me, sometimes they tease him that he should not worry, when we get married his eyes will clear and he will be more like them. 

Sometimes am tempted to tell him to choose between them and me but I cannot try that becasue these are his childhood friends and I don't want to put him in that position. But please what can I do, I have tried to see if he can get another job outside lagos so that we can relocate but his job here is very good with a very fat salary. 

Please what can I do? Do I tell him to reduce his communication with them or should I just ignore them and hope for the best? And please why are men like this. Why do they feel threatened and bitter when they see their friend being faithful and good to a woman? Why? Why do some men like to force their friends to cheat and emasculate them when they don't want to? Why? Why can't they just leave a good man to be a good man?

Please help a sister out. 


  1. Dear Poster, your bf needs to choose his friends, seeing that they have negative influence on him. Its baffling that they are all married men and act like this, i wonder how they were as single guys.. The only way is for ur bf to cut off from the loose men...
    I know men like this, they are disgusting, treat women like shit and dont even respect their wives. Why is ur bf friends with irresponsible married men if he is single? that's strange... Please pull him out if u want peace of mind.

  2. Don't be a source of trouble. If he wanted to be wayward since, dont you think he would have been all these while? The fact that he makes sure to include you on things he does should show you that he really doesn't care about their antics.
    He's not even bothered, so why should you?
    You have a great guy there, please don't lose him cause of paranoia.

    1. like.. like ... double like.. triple like.. poster pls read these words of wisdom and apply...
      choose your battles.. he is faithful ..
      If anything.. try n be a bit more friendly with his friends..if u have them on ur side then they'd probably have ur back n even help u slap sense into ur man if he even tries to misbehave...

    2. πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„
      What do you mean by paranoia? The fact that he has not changed does not mean he can't or won't.
      I hate it when people express valid fears and someone somewhere that feels S(he) knows better terms it paranoia. Mstchewww paranoia kor schizophrenia ni.

      Dear poster, your fears are valid O jare. And you're not paranoid. If he keeps hanging with them... There is a 99% chance he'll join them. Men face enough pressure already not to talk of when you have friends that are pros.

      Read Chrisyinks' comment below 😊

  3. To your other question, I think men tend to be that way because it is semi-natural for the average man to cheat. Men tend to be attracted by visual stimulation and I'd argue anywhere that Lagos has a high concentration of visually attractive ladies (or ikebes as Memphis would call it). It is also natural than in a friendship/relationship, one would expect that one's friend also shares the same point on view on certain topical aspects - aspects like extra-marital affairs, so this is just friends rubbing off on one another.

    I'd advice that you share your fears and concerns to your partner. First of all, acknowledge that he has being a good partner to you (seeing as he wanted to include you in his hangout plan - by many measures, that is rare). Then tell him, the dangers or vibes that you are getting from a deeper level of association with his current friends. I wouldn't advice that you tell him to cut off communication with his clique because there might be more positives to gain from that relationship than this one negative.

    Last, don't tell him to choose between you and them. The stakes are not that high for you to engage in such a risky wager.

  4. There is nothing you can do. Move on.

    If a nigga will cheat, he will cheat. Whether with bad friends or not.
    If a nigga wont cheat, he wont. Whether with bad friends or not.

    When its not like he is in University that will be influenced by friends. Nobody will force him to put his D in a babe's mouth. It all up to him.


  5. Let's see..

    1) Mind your business (and that of your bae), people are free to do whatever they chose to do whether married or single. It is their partner's business, not yours.

    2) Talk to your bae, without any form of aggression, no threats but just friendly chat. He needs to manage some of those situations, no friend should pass unfriendly remark about his babe.

    3). Calm the hell down, otherwise your bae will take to his friend's lifestyle after getting married to you.

    4) You can win this man away from his friends without even having a chat, wisdom, wisdom, wisdom.

    5) Get a job outside Lagos! Lmao, he will be importing babes from all over if and when you help him to that point. It will cost your family more, stay in Lagos and outsmart the competition.

    6) A man and his friends are like a cult, your bae is already an initiate, whether he will go ahead with the "ritual" is entirely dependent on how you manage this.

  6. Evil communication corrupts good manners, he's a wonderful man but a constant drop of water can wear away an igneous rock. You are very right to be worried, if roles were reversed he'd be very worried. He needs responsible friends, try talking to him reasonably about your fears, do not nag or whine while at it. Goodluck
    A Girl


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