I avoid Facebook and I suspect if I didn't have a blog I'd not be on any social media platform. Last week I was reminded once again why I like to avoid social media. Basically, it just exposes me to all sorts of people; the sane, the insane, the mean, the stupid and the sociopaths. People that make me wonder, if there's a God and he really created us in His image and likeness, then why are most people just UGLY? And while some are not, one can't help wonder what fucked up their sense of reasoning.
Last week a former classmate and learned colleague posted something that went like this; Continue posting pictures and revealing your body, you'll be getting 1 million likes yet not ever 1 of them has given you a ring.
Nigeria! Where marriage covers a multitude of sins... Where a prostitute who became a Mrs is suddenly conferred with Sainthood, and an upright single woman is worthless!
By the reasoning of the post only single women wear revealing clothes, and apparently that's the reason they're single.
But it wasn't the post that made my stomach turn. It was the comments that followed. The condemnation on any woman who isn't married. One female commenter said; don't mind them, stupid single ladies. Another said; Hahaha, let them stay there while their mates marry and have children. A single chic then commented; This is not fair o! Instead of you to pray for us single girls you're laughing at us. It's not fair o!
And that's the comment that really disgusted me. Pray for you because you have a disease abi? Issokay!
So in one post I was exposed to the reality of how most of the world views you when you're single and of a certain age. And normally I would walk by like I didn't notice. I don't know if you've noticed but I don't like drama or controversy. But on this I had to talk, and you see I shouldn't have!
When you have an opinion contrary to the poster's in such a post and you're single, you're simply making yourself a target and setting yourself up for being fingered as a bitter single woman, which was what I did. And when one commenter who according to her profile was born in 1998, called me a stupid old madam, I wondered why I even bothered.
My sister has a colleague in her late 30s who everyone thought was married because of the rock on her finger. One day she confided in my sister that she's in fact single, but wears a ring so that she can be seen as a responsible woman, and be respected.
And the truth is that even the strongest of us sometimes hurt, even when we don't feel the heat of society's flames, those around us can sometimes force us to feel small. I've never once felt so bad about being single as I did when I noticed that my friend's family (Mum and aunties) started treating me differently since she got married. I noticed the way they related with her married friends and how much different it was from the way they related with me. I was suddenly a pariah in their midst! I also noticed how during conversations I'd suddenly become invisible, and if I had something to say nobody wanted to hear it.
I received a huge shock during her baby's dedication when everyone was preoccupied and he needed to be dressed and get his diaper changed. So I carried him to do just that, and suddenly about seven pairs of eyes were glued on me. It was obvious they weren't comfortable with me, single and yet to be a Mum, changing the baby. I became so nervous that my hands began to shake and I fumbled with his buttons, and in one swift move, her mother's friend rushed over to where I sat and grabbed the baby away from me like a hawk! Lord I nearly cried.
And so, I've been itching to talk about this. We keep saying "society" pressures women to get married, society looks down on single women etc etc etc. But the truth is that WE are society. So let US talk about it people, because the problem and the solution begins with us.
When you see a woman in her late 20s, 30s and 40s, what do you think about her?
Do you think there's something wrong with her that's made no man find her worthy enough to be his wife?
Do you ever consider that she's unmarried out of her own choice, or do you reckon it's impossible (and unnatural?) for a woman not to want marriage?
And in your own opinion, why do you think that a woman who isn't married is not accorded the same respect as one who is.
Your honesty would be greatly appreciated.
Ps, I'm so sorry for my absence, things happened...