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Saturday, 3 September 2016

The Single Woman; That Shameful Disease!

I avoid Facebook and I suspect if I didn't have a blog I'd not be on any social media platform. Last week I was reminded once again why I like to avoid social media. Basically, it just exposes me to all sorts of people; the sane, the insane, the mean, the stupid and the sociopaths. People that make me wonder, if there's a God and he really created us in His image and likeness, then why are most people just UGLY? And while some are not, one can't help wonder what fucked up their sense of reasoning. 

Last week a former classmate and learned colleague posted something that went like this; Continue posting pictures and revealing your body, you'll be getting 1 million likes yet not ever 1 of them has given you a ring. 

Nigeria! Where marriage covers a multitude of sins... Where a prostitute who became a Mrs is suddenly conferred with Sainthood, and an upright single woman is worthless! 

By the reasoning of the post only single women wear revealing clothes, and apparently that's the reason they're single. 

But it wasn't the post that made my stomach turn. It was the comments that followed. The condemnation on any woman who isn't married. One female commenter said; don't mind them, stupid single ladies. Another said; Hahaha, let them stay there while their mates marry and have children. A single chic then commented; This is not fair o! Instead of you to pray for us single girls you're laughing at us. It's not fair o! 

And that's the comment that really disgusted me. Pray for you because you have a disease abi? Issokay!

So in one post I was exposed to the reality of how most of the world views you when you're single and of a certain age. And normally I would walk by like I didn't notice. I don't know if you've noticed but I don't like drama or controversy. But on this I had to talk, and you see I shouldn't have!

When you have an opinion contrary to the poster's in such a post and you're single, you're simply making yourself a target and setting yourself up for being fingered as a bitter single woman, which was what I did. And when one commenter who according to her profile was born in 1998, called me a stupid old madam, I wondered why I even bothered. 

My sister has a colleague in her late 30s who everyone thought was married because of the rock on her finger. One day she confided in my sister that she's in fact single, but wears a ring so that she can be seen as a responsible woman, and be respected. 

And the truth is that even the strongest of us sometimes hurt, even when we don't feel the heat of society's flames, those around us can sometimes force us to feel small. I've never once felt so bad about being single as I did when I noticed that my friend's family (Mum and aunties) started treating me differently since she got married. I noticed the way they related with her married friends and how much different it was from the way they related with me. I was suddenly a pariah in their midst! I also noticed how during conversations I'd suddenly become invisible, and if I had something to say nobody wanted to hear it.
      I received a huge shock during her baby's dedication when everyone was preoccupied and he needed to be dressed and get his diaper changed. So I carried him to do just that, and suddenly about seven pairs of eyes were glued on me. It was obvious they weren't comfortable with me, single and yet to be a Mum, changing the baby. I became so nervous that my hands began to shake and I fumbled with his buttons, and in one swift move, her mother's friend rushed over to where I sat and grabbed the baby away from me like a hawk! Lord I nearly cried.

And so, I've been itching to talk about this. We keep saying "society" pressures women to get married, society looks down on single women etc etc etc. But the truth is that WE are society. So let US talk about it people, because the problem and the solution begins with us. 

When you see a woman in her late 20s, 30s and 40s, what do you think about her?
Do you think there's something wrong with her that's made no man find her worthy enough to be his wife?
Do you ever consider that she's unmarried out of her own choice, or do you reckon it's impossible (and unnatural?) for a woman not to want marriage?
And in your own opinion, why do you think that a woman who isn't married is not accorded the same respect as one who is. 

Your honesty would be greatly appreciated. 

Ps, I'm so sorry for my absence, things happened...



  1. Thelma, your talking about this your being singe so much. Its seeming like its bothering you a lot. Live your life and give attention to better things.

  2. Lols,just like our political parties. When uve been in PDP and you enter APC, ur suddenly the spotless saint who's sins either never happened or they are suddenly all forgiven...(yh,just had to go there)

    Well,one thing my granny says is "be happy and be content".

  3. is life is life. Keep your chin up and deal with it. No need to feel pity for yourself or cry when they make you feel bad. They talk shit, you throw shit. Its all bants. Laugh at their foolishness and stay happy. I gat nothing to say really..


  4. The truth of the whole matter is that it goes both ways single guys and ladies. But more pressure is placed on single ladies than guys. This kind of reminds me of the conversation I had with a group of people and I was like, Its better for me to Marry at 40 and be happy and comfortable than to rush into marriage because am 30 and it's expected of me to get married. The next thing is attack from all angle that it's usually prominent with us Anambra people not to get married early and I was trying to explain to them that this is a personal decision and has nothing to do with me being from Anambra. But they won't have any of it.

  5. My own, simply put, is that we are a product of our society but until we make conscious effort to make the society a product of us, nothing will change.

    When I say something's contrary to the societal 'norm' here, sometimes, it's like I'm offending peoples' moral compass. Even when those compasses are flawed, no one cares to see truth beyond the pride.

    So Thelma, to Some extent, there's really nothing one can do about the opinions of another.

    Like you have expressed rightly, things need to change.

    To some, after reading this post, be like "Wetin concern Agbero with overload". "Wetin concern me". "how this one take affect me".

    Bottom line: Just do you, Live and let live. Anyone thinks otherwise, recommend the nearest tranformer.

    1. Uyiiii. Lol.

      "...we are a product of our society but until we make...the society a product of us, nothing will change...".

      In essence what you're saying is that you want our generation to be products of our own orientation. That's a normal human trait but you shouldn't generalize "societal norm" as a problem by saying:

      "...When I say somethings contrary to the societal 'norm' here, sometimes, it's like I'm offending peoples' moral compass...".

      If you had kids who went contrary to the norms you laid out for them, would you be comfortable, even after convincing yourself that your norms surely won't affect their moral compass?

    2. For your last paragraph, my comfortability should only matter to me. I think I should be in charge of how I want to be comfortable. And in being comfortable, I certainly wouldn't want the actions of my kids, against my 'norm', make me uncomfortable.
      Except there norm has become criminal ... Then I will become uncomfortable.

  6. I avoid social media platforms as a whole just so I can stay sane, be happy n content basically.
    I believe there are a few ladies who don't want to marry, although I haven't met them in real life, only see in however, we all have our choices and everyone should respect each others choices.
    As for me, bfore I got engaged, I do not mix with married pple cos I always felt some type of way around them. I felt like we do not have anything to discuss cos our priorities are different..n they too will look at u like they were never once single n u have come to snatch their husb. Dat really used to pissed me off...
    Society expects a lady at a certain age to be married with kids and settled and that's how it will always be, don't think anyone can change that!

  7. It's our culture....religion den society dat causes all this
    rubbish..imagine a guy dat I know telling instead of me 2 go and driving myself up and down...I told him off nd said he should go nd marry first den I'll follow
    suit..some1 who is 34 is telling me....we must learn to damn any situation..look forward....focus and lean on out

  8. Someone sometime ago said on this blog that when she got married, her name changed from auntie to madam. All you need to do is to try as much as possible to ignore them, if you trying to change them, that's not going to happen

  9. Are you sure they were looking at you funny because you were single or simply because they thought you wouldn't know how to change him and you proved them right by fumbling. I think this is a sore topic for you but in this case you were overly emotional.

  10. Someone sometime ago said on this blog that when she got married, her name changed from auntie to madam. All you need to do is to try as much as possible to ignore them, if you trying to change them, thats not going to happen


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