Dear Men, Are We Gradually Losing You To Other Men?

I dunno people... It seems the vagina is losing its appeal. Father, do something! 😣

The day I feared would come is finally upon us. The day men would openly write Agony Aunt letters and love songs about other men. Well I think Frank Ocean already covered the love song bit...

In any case, screw your 14yr jail sentence, homosexuality is slowly normalizing in our society. 

Y'know I try to keep an open mind sometimes but that picture above, it looks all kinds of wrong to me. I try to picture two men cuddling, kissing and eating breakfast in bed and I just can't. 

In any case people, we have at least one love struck gay man coming our way in December. Yippee!!

LOL. 

#okbye.  

5 Things I'm Dealing With Right Now.

I went for a walk this morning, I walked for about an hour and when I got closer home I saw an old man with several teeth missing smiling widely at me. "You travelled" he said. It wasn't a question. I took out the earpiece from my ear to make sure I heard him properly. I'd never seen him before. "You travelled" he repeated. I smiled hesitantly, I didn't know who he was and I didn't want to be rude. "Yes" I said and he last confidently. "I know you travelled. We have not been seeing you. We see you every morning, sports woman" he said and we both laughed. "Now that you are back I hope we will continue seeing you in the morning" he said and I assured him that he would. 

LOL @ sports woman. 

A pair of trainers and Nike tracks doesn't a "sports woman" make. 

I wish... 😂

All I do is walk for an hour and listen to audio books. Ok I jog occasionally but my doctor asked me not to for now...

It's interesting how we never know who's watching us, and a little bit creepy. LOL. 

Anyways, on getting home I tried to decide my next courses of action and it was then that I was hit by this feeling that I don't like. That feeling of incapacity... 

My life would be just a little perfect if I didn't have to deal with certain things. These are things I wish I could wish away. In fairness to myself I actually don't just accept them as my reality, and everyday I WORK on it changing, but so far I'm yet to record any meaningful lasting success in recent times. 

They are;

1. Writer's block. When last did you read any fiction from me? I seem to be suffering from a serious case of writer's block and it's been going on for months. When I started blogging and before then, I could sit down and write 5 short stories in an hour. I wrote opinion pieces like I was chewing gum. In the past month I've been struggling with something that was naturally gifted to me; writing. It's one of the most frustrating things to have to deal with, especially when you know that you have ideas and stories inside of you. These things are so real in your head that you can literally taste them on your tongue. Yet the minute you put pen to paper it's as though the ink and your creative juices simultaneously dry up suddenly. I need to WRITE again! 

2. Sweet sweet tooth! Yes so I exercise almost everyday and sometimes I'm able to diet and lose tons of weight. In recent months however, my sweet tooth seems to have gotten even sweeter and I'm finding it harder and harder to stay off the sweet stuff. I know I'm harming my body but it's like a drug, when I'm consuming these things it's like dopamine is released in my brain and I practically lose all reasoning 😭. I instantly forget that it's bad and a hindrance to my weight and healthy living. The moment I'm done eating I'm suddenly filled with guilt and remorse... Until I see the next glazed donut 😣

3. I know where I want my career to go, I know. But...

4. I need new people in my life, I'm tired of the old ones... Or the old ones are tired of me. 

5. Migraines. The way I pop Advil these days... I just dunno mehn! I'm tired of dealing with these migraines. When it starts my head feels like a China plate that was dropped and cracked, and each crack bleeds. 😣

***

So these 5 are my less than perfect situations. Let's talk about what's going on in your life. Share with us those things that you wish were different, those things that could be a lot better. Those things you don't want to carry over to the next year perhaps...

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On Becoming What Exactly?

"The author of this book has gone through some really tough times. But, everyone directly or indirectly involved was stripped bare, making the book feel like a viscous comment section of a gossip blog -(Spare no details, Spare no one)

According to the prologue, "this book is not a tell all but a must tell". I disagree. It is a TELL ALL. If it was a must tell, then she would only give absolutely RELEVANT information. But I suffered through a lot of irrelevant references that could only be in the book for one reason: To "report" Maje and his other women to the world

Hence, only ONE chapter (which was the last chapter) was dedicated to Toke's lessons learnt, her responsibilities from the failed relationship and her advice to women on what to do if they found themselves in her situation. To be honest, I had assumed these would be the foundation of the book, coupled with her strategy in becoming a household name. I assumed wrong

Maje's name came up 378 times in a 14 chapter book. Toke's growing career, TWICE

How does one BECOME, only by the isolated experience of marriage? Not to trivialize the author's marital woes, If someone like Mo Abudu wrote a book titled "On Becoming", I am fairly certain, there'll be more to her evolving than what she went through in a failed marriage. Perhaps I'm peeved that I bought this book, if I had waited to borrow it, maybe I wouldn't feel the need to write things exactly as I see them
.
Miss Makinwa can applaud herself for writing a book as ostentatious as that of Holly Madison's. Yes it may sell but it will never be a classic. Feeding people's curiosity and making money from it, may have been the author's ultimate goal anyway. ⭐️⭐️"

@dairyofanaijagirl (Instagram) posted the above this morning and reading it only fed my curiousity; on becoming what exactly?

Many people applaud Toke, Many don't. Some like me, are weird as that may sound, resentful. 

I don't agree with those who say "After all you're not the only woman that has been cheated on, why must you write a book?". I actually find that very statement baseless and infuriating. 

Neither do I necessarily agree with those who say "but she knew about the other women and she still stayed" or "she could have left at anytime, the choice was hers to stay" or "even his mother warned her that he is not her husband", because love is a very complicated thing, it's seldom black and white. 

I'm however "resentful" because it seems Toke Makinwa, one of the most intriguing brands in contemporary Nigeria, has no idea the weight of whom she is or how powerful she has become. 

To cease this moment, to be blessed with the insurmountable blessings she's being blessed with, to have such an enormous platform, to have a name that's in itself a great fascination to many and yet write a book that inspires barely anything, is to me abominable. 

Toke Makinwa's book is selling fast like hot cakes but come this time next year, when our thirst for fat juicy gossip has been quenched by overtaken events, who would be talking about Toke Makinwa's On Becoming? 

It's her story to tell and she has every right to that, in fact I think she NEEDED to tell this story for various reasons best known to her, either money or revenge, either as therapy or a sense of achievement that comes with being a published author, whatever it is I really don't know. 

What I do know is that Toke Makinwa would have done herself and hundreds of thousands of young people a greater service, if she had chosen instead of share with us how she BECAME this epitome of success that she is today, how she defied all odds, despite the tragic death of her parents, despite her carefree party-girl days, despite the hate, vitriol and bullying she suffered through in the early years of her career... How she took it all, came through it all and has now become this woman whose name we cannot hear without pausing for a second or two. 

On the bright side, there's still time enough for that. And when such a time comes that this intriguing woman chooses to write that book, I would finally be able to say I've read a book written by Toke Makinwa. 

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Being Single Is a Blessing. (Atilola Writes, on The Eve of Her Wedding)

I am getting married tomorrow...but that is not what this article is about because in as much as marriage is a good thing, and I am looking forward to what that phase holds in store for me, I am not under the illusion that my life would suddenly transform from that of dystopia to a life of utopia.

You see, almost all my friends are married, and I have asked most of them few months or years after marriage, that “Which is better, being single or being married?”

It is interesting to note that not a single one of them has been able to tell me conclusively that being married is better than being single. They all respond with the familiar lines of “It’s different. Marriage is good but it comes with its responsibilities. They all have their pros and cons.”

I’ve been single for all my life. Yes, it might not be a lengthy period of time in some people’s eyes, but it is far longer time than I intended to be single, especially considering the fact that I graduated at the age of 21, and have been financially independent since then.

And I would like to say something that an average young girl might never get to hear.

BEING SINGLE IS A BLESSING!

This might be contrary to what we have heard all our lives, especially in this day and age our mothers start drumming their desired specs for a husband into our ears from our teenage years. With society’s several comments, it is implied that we are worth about just half our value as single… that marriage is the answer to all… that the unmarried cannot stand tall in the society… that something is wrong with us because we are single.

Firstly, marriage is not by force. You have a right to choose to be single or to be married. Nowhere in the constitution, not even in the bible does it say that marriage is compulsory. So let’s stop preaching heresy from the pulpit we have mounted in the lives of people who never begged for our sermons in the first place. Unfortunately, society seems to take that power of choice from us, but I am boldly saying that whether you want to get married or you want to be single, LET IT BE YOUR CHOICE!

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with a girl just because she is not married. She is not incomplete, neither is she a leper. This point is what the crux of this post is about

I have been single for long enough to know that singleness has a lot of advantages that married life can never dream to offer.

As a single person, one has the time to fulfil so much without the responsibility of caring for children or attending to spousal needs. You do not need permission from anyone to make important decisions, neither do you need to consider the children’s school requirements before you jet off to Paris.

To be single means to be ONE in every way… to be CONCENTRATED… to be WHOLE… to be UNIFIED… to be SINGULAR… to be SINGLE-HEARTED. Unfortunately, due to societal pressures, many single people are not actually single. They are single in status, but not in mind. The focus has shifted from being focused on desired goals, to worrying, searching for that right man, testing the waters, drooling over bella naija brides with envy, and jumping from one relationship to another.

We have failed to teach our single people the definition of true singleness, i.e. being singular in mind. It is in the journey of doing your work that your spouse will find you. 1Cor 7:32-35 explains this point a great deal, where it says the focus of the singles should be to serve God without distractions, while the married will always be distracted.

Sometime in my single years, I used to worry about my singleness, and daily prayed about marriage, amongst other things. At a point, God asked me, “what if I tell you that you that will not marry, that you will remain single forever, will you still serve me, and pray this earnestly?

I answered, “I would.”

And I heard it clearly, “So concentrate on other things, and stop praying for marriage. Live your life as if you would never marry.”

After that day, even though it was my desire to get married, I stopped praying for marriage, and I felt no more pressure to get married. It was from that moment I truly started enjoying my singleness. I enjoyed it so much that I wasn’t looking forward to getting married again. No, I wasn’t gallivanting round clubs or moving from one owambe to another. I did more than that.

I accomplished in a total of 4 years what would be difficult for a married woman to accomplish in 10 years.

I travelled round the world, organised shows, taught teenagers every Saturday and Sunday, wrote books, developed IPs, performed at events, ran businesses… I had so much time to give that I invested every moment of my life in one cause or the other, and I enjoyed it.

I became so comfortable in my singleness that my only fear was that I was getting too comfortable. So I told myself, “if I am going to leave this my extremely comfortable life, sacrifice all these, and get married i.e. submit my life to another human being, then that man has to be truly worth it. Or else, I will sit down here in my father’s house for as long as it takes, because no one is chasing me away from my father’s house, and in my father’s house, I am a princess.”

Am I saying that not all men are worthy of me? Absolutely yes! I have come too far in my journey of self-development through singleness to throw it all away to just any kind of man.

And so I rocked the party called singleness, but now, that party is over.

I think that is what we are supposed to be teaching our ladies…

That singleness is a status, not a disease. Being married is a status also. The fact that one is married doesn’t mean he/she is better than the single one. I don’t care how our parents, churches (with endless “deliverance from singleness” service, and discrimination against singles), and society at large have made it seem. You are not a more worthy human than I am because I am single, and you are married.

I have lived my single life to the best of my ability, and tried to accomplish all that singleness could afford me, even though I could have done more. So one thing I know is this, come tomorrow morning, when I am changing status, like we did in high school, I will hold my head up with pride, boldly beat my chest, and sign on the wall of fame of singleness “Atilola wuz ‘ere!”

And that wouldn’t be a lie, because even singleness can attest to the fact that I rocked the life out of it.

ATILOLA MORONFOLU

Source

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Linda Ikeji's First Blog Post. Be Inspired.

Reading this made me feel all warm inside. 

She also added: It took 5, 10 & 11 months to get first, second and third comments respectively on my first post. Sometimes it starts slow but when God is by your side, there's no stopping you!

I'm sure you've learnt something from this post. Oya, comment below what you learnt, I can't always be the only one writing. 

(LOL, yeah I'm being lazy. Started writing a multi-paragraphed epistle but half way through I started to stop 🙈. I hereby pass the mantle on to you 😊☺️😉). 

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Feminism, Friends & The Master's Bedroom.

So my parents just moved house. 

I'm so thrilled for them 'cause it's the kind of home they've always dreamt of living in. Although it's coming rather later than they'd have preferred, it eventually happened and for that I'm grateful. It's much bigger than where they were and to see them arrange their new rooms is akin to watching 3yr old boys let loose in a toy shop. 

Notice I said rooms? 

For as long as I can remember my parents have always stayed in separate bedrooms. I don't think this impacted  negatively on their marriage as they're obviously still cool, and also the fact that they sha snuck/sneak into the other's room at night to sleep together most nights probably helps. 

A while back, just before they moved in finally, I went over to see what was going on. My mum was there with one of her BFFs, they've been besties since their early 20s. She's a Grandmum like my mum. 

My mum was taking her round to see the house. When she entered the Master's bedroom she became very animated. You see, there are two large bedrooms in the house. One is ensuite, one has its bathroom outside the room. The room that's ensuite (Master's) was taken by my dad, my mum took the other. There were no arguments about this whatsoever, in fact they've both got reasons why they prefer their chosen bedrooms over the other. 

"The tiles here would have been nicer if they were blue, you should give it a feminine touch" Aunty B said to my mum about the Master's bathroom. 

"No aunty, this is daddy's room. Mummy's room is there, her bathroom is over there" I said, pointing in the opposite direction to my mum's bathroom

"WHAT RUBBISH!!" Aunty B suddenly flared. "What nonsense Esther? What absolute rubbish? Why should he get the room with the bathroom? Is he better than you? Don't you also want a room with a bathroom?"

Shuoooo!

"No I don't really mind", my normally headstrong Mum muttered uncertainly 

"Lai lai o! Me I can't have that nonsense. I won't take it. I will never agree to such an unjust arrangement. If it were me I will insist on taking this one and he can move into the other one, or any other place he chooses". 

At that point I laughed at nothing in particular and louder than I should have, to diffuse the situation and change the topic. 

But I've got to say, it did make me wonder...

I don't agree with her that my mum should have battled with my dad over who gets the Master's bedroom. My parents have been married peacefully for at least forty years and their somewhat traditional methods have worked for them just fine. 

I don't know if Aunty B was coming from a feminist's standpoint or just being troublesome. I couldn't help but wonder if this is the kind of advise she gives her daughters and if, perhaps this played a part in the lack of success of the first one's marriage. 

But I digress...

Could something be said for our parents' traditional methods? Is "the struggle for equality" a reason so many marriages are not making it these days? 

You know, I feel conflicted. I'm an unrepentant feminist. I also know how to dissociate feminism from gender roles, especially within a marriage. But the truth is that the line is sometimes very thin. Or maybe it's not even just feminism, maybe times and things are simply changing and most women today aren't willing to play second fiddle to their husbands. Maybe women today are working harder than the men and bringing in more money than their husbands and that makes our mothers' brand of docility or submissiveness a concept that's becoming alien. 

I'm not sure what direction I'm going with this post to be honest. I guess I've just been imagining how things would be if my mother suddenly decides to go all raging "feminist" on my father. The poor man would be so confused! 😂😂😂

In any case, I believe each couple is unique and each couple should find what works for them and stick to it. 

That said... Can we talk about Aunty B for a minute? Do you have a mother or friends like that? Or are you yourself Aunty B?

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Main Chick, Side Chick. Just Asking...

So.... What does a side chick offer that a main chick can't?

 

Is there really anything or is it all just a myth?

Are they just two women who simply happened to have come into his life at different points in time, one before the other?

Or are these two women with distinct roles and personalities, serving much different delicacies?

Thoughts?

...can I just add that I'm beginning to roll my eyes at this side chick-main chick thingy, making these males feel more important than they are. Shioor, ladies y'all need to start speaking up more about your main boo and your side dish too ooo! 😡😡😡. #okbye. LOL. 

Charly Boy To The Docile Entity That's Today's Youth.

Greatest Nigerian Youths! Shey una go still answer, ‘Great!’ When it is clear that most of you guys are silly, foolish, ignorant, confused, useless and downright lazy. Shame wan kill me here on una behalf.

You guys are a Big disappointment to this generation, and a disgrace to the greatest Nigerian youths of the 50s, 60s and early 70s. Dem swear for Una?

Most of you guys have become a docile entity that is driven by the insatiable desire to reap where una no sow, expecting miracles when you have not worked and seeking help in all the wrong places (illuminati, native doctors and night vigils). The frustration in our humanity is exemplified in the confused non-ideological and non-intellectual capacity of today’s youths. The anger of your hunger is not hitting the minds of our youths and the vexation that has trailed governance nationally is almost unheard of among our youths even though the new Nigerian reality is most felt by these same youths. Kai!!! Una Mumu never Do?

For the past four decades, I have been fighting the course of the Nigerian youths and I still believe that Nigeria will be saved by its exceptional youths. After all, many great Nigerian youths have passed through me and have grown to become masters in their game. Like Tunde and Wumi Obe, the great Majek Fashek, Dede Mabiaku, Gloria Anozie Young, Jim Iyke, Ali Baba etc. They all passed through the Charlyboy University.

I have made and encouraged Big Stars who are even bigger today. Because of me, millions of Nigeria never gave up on their dreams, because they have been inspired by my tenacity, my focus, my hardwork,my consistency, belief in self and my never-say-die-spirit. So, how can my honourable intentions for the youths ever be in question. But when I see how so nonchalant and clueless most of them have become, I sometimes get demoralized.

When I called the youths to action, to fight to retrieve their stolen and kidnapped future, I was confronted with youths who are incapable of taking the bull by the horn and leading movements geared towards the Nigerian realignment.

Even with the Social media platforms that cut across Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, Instagram; which should be one of the deadliest weapon against our yahoo yahoo leadership, the Nigerian youths slaked. Rather what did I see? Ignorance, and an illiterate bunch that trades on insults, with their horrible english wey dey purge belle, incapable of moving from the virtual reality to the reality of their present situation.

When a few exceptional Nigerian youths came to me for support to lead the protest to fight corruption starting with the National Assembly I knew that this was the beginning of a new dawn. I immediately jumped on it. It was purely out of my desire to see and feel the reawakening of the lost breed of youthful activism and sustained engagement of old. It became personal.

With the interest of the youths at heart, I saw a platform for sustained resistance against audacious political criminality to be presented to those who are ready to change Nigerian from the top to the bottom. It was done to activate the firebrand spirit lost to the destructive generational problems; to inform the youths and ring it loud and clear that the moment of continuing engagement has come.

Our youths must wake up with the urgency of now. Leadership is not a gift, it must be earned. You must show willingness to lead. You must be tenacious. You must show support to those who take the risk to speak for you instead of throwing stones. We all should educate ourselves on good governance and mass mobilization for a sustained activism because Nigeria is failing and we are known for notoriously destructive government.

It’s time to stand up and be counted; it is time to say enough is enough. Governments over the years have succeeded in creating youths who have absolutely no idea about the processes that necessitates real success in the society; it is time to recreate the Student Unionism of old and the major driving force behind youth empowerment that is capable of waking the docile sleeping Nigerian youth.

No matter my disappointment from time to time with the youths of this great country, I will never quit on you guys no matter how juvenile you all make out to be. Even if some of my intentions are misconstrued, I will always stand firm, because I no send. I am confident that with my constant appeal for standing up in defence of your hijacked future you can begin to be emboldened to be more vocal about your predicament. As a fada I will never be too far from you. This is a fight we cannot loose, and we cannot fail. All obstacle placed in our way to derail this movement will Never succeed in Jesus mighty name. The Nigerian youths sooner than later will retrieve their stolen future. I believe in the exceptional youths and I believe in Nigeria. I shall and must be well again with us, God punish bad people.

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I Thought I'd Be Cool With It.

It was a beautiful Saturday morning, I could tell that the moment his ringing phone abruptly woke me up from Friday nights sleep. "Her again" he sighed. 

"Her who?"

"Nnenna, she's been calling since last night. She's in town, says she wants to hook up"

Nnenna, his ex. 

"She called yesterday, said she wants to come over. I told her I'd ask you..."

His sentence faded into silence, waiting for my response. I did nothing to help the silence. 

"So is it ok?" He asked, finally. 

I shrugged. "Why does she want to come?" I asked him

"I don't know o! Me sef I wonder. She just says since we're both in Lagos and her hotel is not too far from here we should see. She wants to meet you". I could tell he added that last part to soften me up. 

"No can do, I don't want to meet her". 

"Ok then" he said with no further argument. 

However she kept calling and i could tell he didn't mind seeing her. He's told me about her a number of times over the months. Fun loving, flighty Nnenna. 

Yeah well, seems he was in the mood for some fun and flightiness. 

"Oya let her come nau" I finally gave in. 

I tried to be cool. I gave her Uber driver directions to the place. 

The minute she got here she threw her hands around my neck and gasped "Wow, she's pretty". 

"Of course she is" he said, "that's why she's my woman". 

*yimu to them both*

They laughed. I didn't. 

A few minutes later I excused myself, said something about needing something. I left them alone. 

Came back after about fifteen minutes to find them laughing happily about something or the other. 

"Come sit with us" she said, pulling me by the hand. 

Something about her superfluous friendliness rubbed me the wrong way. 

I sat. 

"I need to go get things for breakfast" I said standing up almost immediately 

He looked at me pleadingly. She looked at me with sugary sweetness. I couldn't stand it. 

"I really need to get the groceries" I said to them both

"Are you okay? Am I making you uncomfortable?" she asked nicely

I was meant to respond in the negative but I couldn't. I didn't want to be honest but the truth forced its way out of my mouth. "Actually you are. I'm sorry Nnenna, I'm sure you're a really nice person but I'm uncomfortable and I can't pretend" I said as politely as I could. 

I could see she didn't know what to make of my honesty. I could see he was wishing I didn't have to be so tightly wound or so damn honest. But honestly I just wished they'd both burst to smithereens at that point. 

I took advantage of the awkward silence and slid away. 

I actually didn't go out, just went and sat in the car. 

10 minutes later... 'Babes where are you' the text said. 'In the car, waiting for your friend to leave'

'Please come back up, I didn't know it'll make you so uncomfortable, she'll leave now'. 

I went back up, she was putting her things together "it was nice meeting you Nwando, I really wanted to get to know you and spend time with you guys but it seems you're not comfortable..."

I could tell she was offering an olive branch of sorts, I could sense I was meant to respond by saying it was ok and she shouldn't leave. But I didn't. 

"It's ok Nnenna. Have a safe trip tomorrow". 

I honestly thought I'd be cool with it, playing host to my man's ex and being all niceee nice. But I wasn't cool with it and in true piscean fashion my emotions are rarely far from the surface, I couldn't deal. 

...

And that was this morning. In my shoes would you be cool with it? How would it have played out? I wish I could be "that" chic that returned her embrace and made her breakfast and the three of us would sit round the table trading laughter and stories, but I guess I'm just not that cool. 

How about you? 

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On Becoming. Read Excerpts Of Toke Makinwa's Book As She Talks SexTapes, Bleaching for Maje, Contemplating Suicide, Finding God & More!

Toke's debut book which she says “is not a tell-all but a must tell”, speaks of many things. She spoke of her childhood days, and the sad loss of her parents as a result of a fire incident in their home when she was 8 years old and its impact on her life.

Here are some excerpts (culled from Bella Naija .)

The Discovery

I got on my knees in front of him, my voice calm as I can make it. “Maje, you can’t keep lying. What is going on?

He walks away, leaving me there with my heart in my hands. I see him pacing, like he is having a private conversation. Then all of a sudden, he walks back to the living room, looks straight into my eyes and says, ‘She’s pregnant’.

I fall to the ground. My head….

‘What’s she having?’

‘A boy,’ he says.

‘How long have you known?’

‘I’ve always known…. It was what I thought I wanted,’ he says.

The Wedding

“Finally, I thought. He chose me! He has stepped up and he’s finally ready to make us a priority.

It was my wedding day.

I was happy, yet I was waiting for something to happen. Maje had disappointed me three times before. We would pick a date to go to the wedding registry and he would call it off…. We had discussed eloping, but he’d never committed to any plan.

It wasn’t until we shared our first dance to John Legend’s ‘All of Me’ that I finally believed that it had happened.

We got back together (after a quarrel because Maje took ‘an ex’ to a party he bluntly told Toke he wasn’t taking her to and he and the ex were ‘touching freely and kissing’)… Maje invited me to Abuja…. As I was putting away my things I saw all kinds of feminine items – earrings on the dresser, sanitary pads in the drawer….”

The Other Woman

“Who was that girl?” I asked

“That’s that girl”

“Which girl?”

“The girl I told you about. Her friends are always calling me to say she really likes me and has a crush on me. Her name is Anita.”

“So that’s the Anita girl they say you are dating.”

“I’m not dating her. How can I date someone that is always saying ‘can I come and see you? I’ll bring my friend that you think is cute’?”

I accepted Maje’s explanation and concluded that Anita was not important. So I’ll be with Maje and she’d call and I’d tell him, “The girl that has a crush on you is calling.” And it would be nothing.

The Sex Tape and Bleaching

“At some point while we were dating, Maje had asked if he could tape us having sex. This was a new one for me but I would do anything to keep my man, or so I thought, and so I obliged. But I was nervous afterwards because I didn’t want the tape to get into the wrong hands…. I dragged the file back to his desktop, and I could tell from the stilled image in the video that the person in it was not me…. I clicked play and watched horrified as Maje had sex with Anita.

Watching that video, all of the inadequacies I thought I had dealt with over the years came rushing back. I had been with Maje from when I was an immature teenager, through my twenties, and for most of those years, Anita had been the standard I had to live up to. I had lightened my skin at some point – Anita was half Lebanese and half Ibibio, and Maje made me feel like he preferred her lighter skin.”

Breakups and Makeups

Months passed and I still couldn’t find a job (in London). And I was still heartbroken. Maje and Anita were officially an item, and I stalked them on Facebook. Maje would put her picture up and they would write on each other’s walls.

…one cold night as I got off the bus, I got a Facebook message from Maje. It read: ‘I miss you and I cannot deny or hide it, come back to me’.

We started talking again… I convinced myself that he had changed.

Maje and I had been together for nine years, on and off, at this point, and it had been an unending cycle of hurt and betrayal. Every time we took ten steps forward in our relationship, we took fifty back. Each time I gave up and let go, Maje would come after me and hold on so tightly till I gave in.

Another child

… there was a 70-day fasting and prayer programme at my church. I joined in: I was praying for Maje and I. On the final day, I prayed and asked God to reveal why Maje and I couldn’t find peace with each other.

…I opened my email address and typed Maje’s email address in. I had no idea what his password was but I was determined to get into his account…. I went through email after email until I found pictures of a boy that looked exactly like Maje….

Contemplating Suicide

I was sitting in the bedroom one day. There was a bottle of Dettol in the bathroom and a thought came, very strong, “Just drink it and die. What’s the point? The whole world is laughing at you right now. Just end it.”

Faith

The devil finds a way to fill your head with lies when you have just gone through a period. These lies can make you question everything, including the very purpose of your existence. Lies like:

‘You’re not good enough’

‘This is the best thing that could have happened to you and now it’s falling apart’

‘This will end you’

When this lies came, God’s word provided a much-needed comfort and a reminder of my identity and His plans for me.

Moving on and Healing

Maje hadn’t made it easy for me to move on. He’d begged like his life depended on me staying….

And then there were the outrageous comments:

‘Maje spent X amount of time with Anita so she wasn’t the mistress, Toke was’

‘She didn’t break your home, you did. You came between two people who loved each other by marrying him’.

…. That day’s topic was about making marriage work, and it hit me so hard that I cried like a baby. I wasn’t a virtuous woman; I was a girl! A girl with a daddy-void so large that she had all of her issues and expectations on a man who was still trying to discover his purpose. All my mistakes became clear to me. I hadn’t lost my marriage to another woman. I had given my marriage to her.

While I’m not sure if I’ll find love again, I am sure of the contentment I have found in a God who’s got my back 100%.

Toke will be launching On Becoming in Nigeria this Sunday, November 27, 2016.

.

Dear Ladies, Why Do You Do This?

This is a non-rhetorical question I've been meaning to ask, I've stopped myself short for a number of reasons but after seeing this picture I couldn't hold it in anymore. 

I've often wondered at pictures and videos of women screaming, hyperventilating, wailing and even rolling on the ground just after getting proposed to. 

I wonder because the guy who just proposed isnt a stranger. No, he's someone you've known for most likely a long time, someone you've dated for quite some time. In most cases you guys must have already discussed marriage. You guys have been in an exclusive relationship and at that point have met each other's family members and friends. So why then is it so shocking when he asks you to marry him?

I understand it's a joyful moment. But shocking? Why?

Now back to the picture above, someone asked please is it a proposal or a deliverance?

LOL it looks more like a deliverance to me o! 😂

Anyways let's take a poll. Why do women break down in tears and/or get all dramatic when they're proposed to?

a) They're overjoyed

b) They're faking it

c) They're overwhelmed with relief (of leaving the Single Women's Club)

d) They think that's how they're supposed to react

e) They're genuinely surprised 

f) Others. (Please specify). 

.

I'm Thankful For These 3 Things. What About You?

Today is Thanksgiving Day people! Thanksgiving Day is a national holiday celebrated in Canada (on the second of October) and the United States. It was originally celebrated as a day of giving thanks for the blessing of the harvest and of the preceding year. Thanksgiving is celebrated on the fourth day of November in the United States and several other places around the world, albeit now secularly. 

And guys, that's what today is, the fourth Thursday of November. I'm therefore going to cease the opportunity to be Thankful. I believe strongly in living a life of Gratitude. Gratitude is a lot more powerful than many of us understand. I'm going to share three things with you I'm particularly thankful for. 

1. Healing. I spent the last two nights very ill and in the hospital. I didn't tell anyone about it, only the boo and my family who were with me in the hospital. Yesterday was a day of needle pricks for the myriad of tests run and at least three injections. When I was younger I quite enjoyed being sick 'cause it meant I got to be pampered, dotted on and just stay in bed and chiiiiiiilllll 😊. But right now ain't nobody got time for that 😡! Two nights ago I began to panic. I knew it wasn't malaria. I couldn't help but wonder; what if I have a tumor or other things I don't even want to put in writing. My mind began to imagine the worst scenerios and I was scared to sleep just in case I don't wake up 😅. I began to panic and sweat profusely. Then I asked myself, why so negative? I then remembered how one of my favorite books, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind says you can heal your body with your mind just through the power of suggestion. I also remembered an affirmation from another of my favs, Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude; I feel Happy, I feel Healthy, I feel Terrific!

I began to repeat this over and over again and not just repeat the words but FEEL the words (it's important you adjust your mind to feel that way) until I finally felt my fear ebb away and be replaced with hope, peace and happiness. I fell into restful sleep and although I still felt ill when I eventually woke, I knew it was only temporary. This morning I'm back home in tiptop condition. I've been placed on bed rest (and plenty of food... which I just don't need because, orobo) for the next three days but I already feel so strong, in fact I've gone for a walk this morning! I'm back in bed now sha, but I feel too restless and excited for this bed rest thingy. So guys, I'm THANKFUL for restored health!

2. ThelmaThinks Blog is 3. We turned 3 about two weeks ago. I actually didn't even know. It took a blog reader, Kene Francis, mailing me to tell me that we're 3. I damn well nearly cried when I got his mail, it feels so great to have blog readers who care about your blog as much as you do. So I'm thankful for three years of running this blog. I'm thankful for the doors this blog is opening for me, and even my blog readers. And above all I'm thankful for the best blog readers in the world!

3. On the first day of this year I said I will visit at least 3 African countries this year. A few days later I was in Ghana, months later I visited Kenya and Rwanda. I think the greater thing that I'm thankful for here is that I can think something and speak something and actually have it come to pass. This continues to play out in different parts of my life. I'm so thankful for that!

There's so much more I'm thankful for but now it's time for you to tell me what YOU are thankful for. I don't want "I'm thankful for life" generic type of comments, I want specifics. What are those distinct things that have happened in your life this year that made you thankful?

Do share!

Zara Buhari. Too Soon?

Thoughts?

Pregnant, Unmarried and a Pastor. Pastor Desiree Allen Talks About TheCriticisms & Negativity Following Her Situation

In an article she posted on her Blog, Pastor Desiree Allen talks about how she has been dealing with all the criticism and negativity. She says she would not be shamed out of doing something she loves; preaching. Read her post below:

I found out I was pregnant at the happiest place on earth. It was Mother’s Day and I was on vacation at Disney World. Go figure. I noticed my normally regular period hadn’t come which is usually no biggie. I would chalk it up to stress. Except now, thanks to acupuncture, I was used to it coming like clockwork. It’s only day one I told myself. It’ll come tomorrow. And it did, but only stopped by for a brief visit before disappearing into the abyss. I waited for her to come back. She never did.

The next day, I did what any normal sane woman would do. Scoured the resort for pregnancy tests like a madwoman. I went to every store on my resort AND the sister resort. Not a test in sight. No not one. How is this the happiest place on earth and you not expect people to get pregnant or need a pregnancy test? How do you have the mind to have a chip at the bottom of my cup that electronically determines how many more refills I have at the soda machine, but not sell an EPT Pregnancy Test? Or at least a Disney knock-off brand. I wasn’t giving up. I went to the front desk. They always have extra shoelaces, cans of beans or whatever you need. Maybe just maybe they had a pregnancy test. Nope, but the lady at the front did discreetly let me know there was an offsite pharmacy that would deliver these “sorts of things” to the resort for a fee. She slipped me the card like she was passing me a bag of weed and k2.

Was I really this desperate? You know I was. I placed the order and waited for a test to confirm what I already knew.

I was pregnant. My immediate reaction was shock. This was not planned. Yes, I know it’s a potential consequence of having sex, but not one readily expected. With the exception of living a pretty much celibate lifestyle in my twenties I had been having sex on and off since I was 15 and had never been pregnant. In fact, I assumed when I was ready it would be very hard for me to conceive. Boy did I miscalculate that.

After the initial shock was joy. Yet, underneath something else was lingering. Anger? No. Disappointment? No. It was pure and utter dread. Not at being pregnant. Not at whether or not I would be a good mother. What had my stomach turning, other than nausea, was me being pregnant AND a pastor. Let’s face it. The church has not had a good track record of accepting unmarried women who got pregnant. If you’ve been in church for any period of time you’ve heard or witnessed the aftermath. Shunning, slut shaming, being sat down from your position, having to go up in front of the church and confess your sin, etc. etc. No one can be naïve enough to say this type of stuff doesn’t happen in church. An ugly truth is people in church leadership have sex outside of marriage, affairs, do drugs, drink, so on and so forth. Generally, these are not considered acceptable acts. BUT I have seen many churches turn a blind eye to this behavior, because it can be hidden. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. To be pregnant is a very visible indication of a private act and for some reason provides people with more of a need to respond.

You may as well Scarlet Letter it up and place a big ole S on your chest for sex Hester Prynne style. “The church” is already harsher on women for their “crimes,” but being a pastor also meant that both me and my fiancé were going to go through this publicly. I didn’t know what that meant, how it would affect my job and if I was prepared to deal with it.

Pregnancy already inherently diminishes some anonymity as people feel it their right to invade your personal space, offer up unsolicited advice and ask you private questions. Pastorship inherently makes some feel your personal life is their public business as you lose some sense of individuality for the sake of belonging to the church. As a pretty private person I had always struggled with the latter. Adding pregnancy seemed like my worse nightmare.

It was not as if I had a blueprint for this in my church. My pastors had been very open about having their first child while unmarried in college. That was more than 20 years ago. They were young. None of us were there. They were not pastors then. It was in the past enough to be hazy memory and turn into a testimony. Many of us know the struggles we have had in the past. For many, it’s what brought us to church. Yet, as soon as we get far enough away from our struggles to label them “redeemable” or for them not to be in the forefront of our minds it becomes much easier to give someone else the side eye for behavior we don’t agree with. It is often easier to NOT afford others the grace we were so freely offered. I had experienced people judge everything from my clothing to social media posts fully aware that if it had been another pastor they would’ve gotten a pass. My apprehension was not unwarranted and although privately excited I was concerned about public persona. I did a lot of wrestling that week. I came to grips with the reality that part of the monster in my head was created by me. My past. My upbringing. What I was taught about the bible.

I realized I had some baggage and I wanted to deal with this pregnancy on my own terms regardless of how people felt or responded. In those first few months I decided I couldn’t carry the weight of others’ opinions and judgments including my own. I also had to confront the ways in which I judged others based on their decisions and actions. I decided I was going to walk with my head held high, because I was proud and excited to be pregnant. Often, when people think you’ve done something wrong or have sinned they want you to walk around with your head low in guilt. Otherwise, how would THEY know you were sorry? Well, I wasn’t sorry or ashamed. Shame and happiness cannot reside in the same place. I decided to only surround myself with those who had positive energy. I knew there would be rough days, but I also knew the good would outweigh the bad. So when the first comment was made about my pregnancy being an abomination I wasn’t bothered, because it wasn’t MY truth. Plus who uses abomination anyway? Can we say antiquated?

I had a choice on how to define my own happy and write my own story. I thought about the women who were belittled in their churches for being pregnant. The women who felt abortion was a better option than humiliation. The girl or young women of a pastor forced into abortion, because the family couldn’t handle the shame. The woman who left the church permanently because the members couldn’t accept her child. The woman who watched the same people who loved her each Sunday avoid her like a plague. The woman who would give up everything to be pregnant regardless of the circumstances and still finds her womb bare. So many women who may have made a different choice if they understood the power they had. If someone had told them, it was ok to make the best choice for them ignoring the outside voices. It would get better. They could outlive this. I understood what some people thought, what some scriptures said, but also the validity of my own experience.

At three months I revealed my pregnancy to the staff at my church. It wasn’t planned. It was at our annual staff retreat. If you could see inside my mind you would have seen the warring back and forth.

“Do it now.”

“What? Are you crazy? This is not the time.”

“It may not be your timing, but it IS the perfect time.”

“Can’t I wait? Or tell them one by one?”

“Well if you wanted to wait you shouldn’t have worn that dress. Come on. It will be like pulling off a Band-Aid. Have this conversation once and you won’t have to have it again.”

“I’m nervous.”

“You’ll be fine. The outcome will be better than expected.”

The words kind of fell out of my mouth in front of everyone. I explained my joy and the importance this did not undo and diminish all the work and dedication I had put in for six years. I felt empowered. I shared what I wanted to share, how I wanted to share, own my own terms. I wasn’t responding to anyone or defending myself. I was standing in my truth. In a moment I will never forget, our executive pastor had  the staff encircle around me and they begin to pray. A noise that can only be described as a wail left my mouth and I broke. To the point of needing a chair to sit in. I broke in the most beautiful way possible. In the breaking I was free. That ugly Jesus cry released every anxiety, fear and worry holding me down. They promised to protect me and support me. In that moment I saw God. It was a moment that transcended boundaries or judgment. It was pure love. I felt free.

One of my favorite lines from The Scarlet Letter is: “She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom.” I was carrying a lot of weight and baggage. The weight of what if. The weight of my upbringing. The weight of others’ opinions. The weight of judgment. It was heavy and I did the hard work of dropping that weight. I have no plans of picking it back up.

So no, I cannot carry your weight about MY situation. Whoever you are. I have my own beautiful, amazing and miraculous weight to carry for the next few months and a lifetime.

Photos found here and here. Preaching photo from September 2016 taken by Eddie Sparkman. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. I have preached throughout my pregnancy and will do so until I can no longer waddle on the stage.

Sex During Menstruation, Anyone?

You read my title and either went Eeeeew or Whatever. Yup, some people, male and female, are grossed out by the thought of sex during the period. While some people, male and female are indifferent about it. Hmmm, some people, male and female, quite few however, rather enjoy sex during the period because easy lubrication and all that... 

A sexologist, @wunmiomololu, whom I follow on Instagram had a few tips and answers to frequently asked questions about sex during menstruation.

Feel free to read on. 

😊

Did you know?

Well now you do. 😊

Wunmi says: there is still a chance you could get pregnant during your period unless you're on the pills. So don't forgo contraception. 

She also adds that sex during the first day of the menstrual cycle is never safe since a man's sperm can strive in the uterus for 3 days. 

***

So people that's it. Go forth and have some menstruation sex!

Or not...

LOL. 

So Cross-Dressers Held a Private Party In Lagos Last Weekend...

Some crossdressers held a private party in Lagos on Saturday November 19th and they have the pictures to show it!

Oh Bobrisky, look what you've caused 😭😱😨😂.

Quick question, why are all these crossdressers' makeup always on fleek? 😅

With more people becoming openly gay, crossdressers becoming bolder and more married men having gay lovers, who can tell me what 'life as we know it' is gon be like in five years? 

I shudder to think about it... 😫

Photos culled from Linda Ikeji's blog, obviously...