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Thursday, 3 November 2016

Controlling Your Husband...


This made me smile and I thought to share. 




The dynamics of my marriage and household baffle my mother.
The dynamics of my friends’ marriages baffle my mother.
“You people and your London husbands,” is how she greets them when they come to my house solo, leaving her husbands at home with their children.
When my daughter was about two months old, my mother almost had a heart attack when I told her I was making a day trip to Paris for a bridal shower.
“Who will look after Pork Chop?!” she asked, like I was a single mum with no one to share the responsibility of raising my child.
I understand that my marriage and the dynamics of my household are not what she is used to. She is a sixty something year old Nigerian woman who was raised in a time where women did everything and men, nothing. Well, nothing besides being ATMs.
She pinches me if he walks into the kitchen to serve his dinner and berates me when he takes out the bin. She flies off the sofa when she hears him doing dishes and chases him out lest the water washes away his manhood.
On one occasion, she watched in quiet support while some twice removed aunt laid into him for carrying my handbag.
“What is wrong with you London people?!” the aunt asked as he helped me carry my bag into the house so I wouldn’t smudge my freshly varnished nails (you know that struggle!).
To my mother, his willingness to do household chores, serve his wife and be a hands on father are as foreign as his postcode.
She is consistent in her beliefs.
She frowned in disapproval the day I told her I was popping over to the petrol station to pump air into my car tyres.
“Shouldn’t your husband do that?”
She worried about how we would pay our bills when he was made redundant, despite my income. Yet, she managed to sleep at night when I was going on maternity leave, making him the sole/primary earner.
I am used to her lectures and pinches and I’m not mad at her because I understand that she is a product of the culture of her time just as I am a product of the culture of mine.
But one day, she stunned me.
“Why are you controlling your husband?”
I stared at her in disbelief.
“Controlling my husband?”
“Yes, you are controlling him.”
My daughter’s name was the cause of the accusation, the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I am Benin but married to a Yoruba man. The expectation (of the general public) was that my daughter would have a Yoruba first name or perhaps an English one. No one expected her first name would be a Benin one because god forbid she be identified by her mother’s tribe.
When we came up with three names for her (Yoruba, Benin and English), my husband loved her Benin name as much as I do. As soon as I told him what it means (and its significance to us), he was sold. When he suggested we use it as her first name, I was all for it.
It didn’t occur to me that anyone would have an issue with it till my mother accused me of controlling my husband.
For a time (albeit brief), she insisted on calling my daughter by her Yoruba name because she was concerned about “what people would say.” In her mind, there was no way a Yoruba man would choose to give his daughter a Benin first name so I must have beaten him into submission.
She wasn’t alone; one of my Uncles outright stated that he would only call her by the name her father gave her. It gave me great pleasure to tell him that I was responsible for BOTH her Benin and Yoruba names. He’s a traditionalist so I knew he’d rather lose a limb than use her English name…the name her father picked. 
They didn’t take into account that my husband is a different kind of man to the one they are used to.
He takes out the bin and does dishes.
He helps me carry my handbag when I need help.
He changes our bedsheets because I’m lazy with that stuff.
His culinary skills are pretty limited (the chink in his armour) but he makes a mean corned beef stew.
He bathes our daughter every night and derives great pleasure (the man is strange) from changing her poopy nappies.
He helps me take out my weaves…even though it takes him forever and a day.
He goes to the butchers to buy meat.
He looks after our daughter when I need baby free time.
He looks after our daughter because she is HIS daughter.
He listens when I speak and values my opinions.
He says ‘my wife and I have decided’ because we make decisions as a team.
These are some of the things that make my mother think he is being controlled.
I know I am opinionated and strong willed but surely, it is possible for a man to be a willing contributor to his household in every way and for a woman to have a voice in her own home?
Not everything is voodoo. Sometimes, they are just great men.

Source: WAILA CAAN
***

I stumbled upon the blog of an ex QC girl and I wasn't surprised to find that I enjoyed every article she had written. She was a year ahead of me, we were never friends but even from a distance she seemed like a smart cookie. 😊

So who else can relate to this? I remember my friend Chocolate ranting about people who shriek in shock when they see her hubby changing baby's diapers. LOL. 


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20 comments:

  1. If the system works for them then why not? To each his own.
    A Girl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly!

      And I am not particularly sure how this will help others, maybe she is coaching the young men of nowadays.
      I hope she train her son to be like his dad and also start praying that her son should end up with a woman that can appreciate such attributes.

      Delete
    2. There's a higher chance that the son will be like his father...

      This works abroad bcos it's 50:50, from house chores to paying bills, etc. Everyone contributes, unlike Nigeria. In this case, I am very sure all expenses for her trip was made by her. So the difference is quite clear. She's in no way a bad mother and yes indeed, she's married to a great man.

      Delete
  2. A day long trip to Paris for a bridal shower, not even wedding? Why won't your mother be shocked when you had a 2month old baby? People hide under the guise of 'opinionated' and 'strong willed' these days. Turenchi! You have bad character and open-eye syndrome, the father can take care of his own child too definitely, but there are times when the mother is absolutely necessary especially for such a young child unless she's dead or has been abducted. Was it an emergency, a necessity? No. The person you went to meet would she do the same for you? Because your husband is tolerant ba? Kontinu.
    Kratos

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perhaps she wasn't going to attend the wedding? Perhaps the trip was going to serve more than one purpose? Perhaps...

      We don't know all the relevant details surrounding the trip but I highly doubt that the writer qualifies to be labelled a bad mother for leaving her 2 month old baby for 24 hours. I am certain there are instances when those you'd label as 'good' mothers weren't in physical contact with their young babies for a 24-hour duration. Work and other life responsibilities sometimes demand extended hours from a nursing mother and one of the joys of a dual-parent household is the ease at which slack could be picked up by the other parent. Heck, there are even occasions of maternal death during delivery and the child growing up responsibly and well-nurtured majorly under the father's sole tutelage. I have friends that fit into this category.

      In my perspective, the writer has an admirable character and a good understanding of what a good marriage/family should be,...and a marriage I would aspire to have. Chrisyinks

      Delete
    2. Hahahahahahaaaaa....
      Take it easy man. Not everyone takes life too seriously.

      -F

      Delete
    3. I can't even lie, I agree with this comment. Well, she's lucky she has a tolerant husband. Let her just not take it for granted.

      That Paris trip thing is an example of taking it for granted

      Delete
    4. Turenchi, is English in Hausa

      Delete
    5. We don't know the details of what happened, she may have been having the baby blues and needed to leave home

      Delete
    6. I laugh in the spirit, this was not work or life's responsibilities, to the men supporting her your wives will do the same, tolerate it. To the women, your daughter in-laws have already packed their bags to travel from the labour room.
      Kratos

      Delete
  3. To each his own..I celebrate African men with the mentality of helping their wives...TNHW

    ReplyDelete
  4. "...He says ‘my wife and I have decided’ because we make decisions as a team...".

    #Yimu from Chris Oyakhilome and his voltrons..

    ReplyDelete
  5. When will people learn to mind their own business?

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nice read... unfortunately this is not practiced in Nigeria, its for "the abroad" people. However, it makes a whole lot of sense to have daddy soooo involved in house chores as well as childcare.
    Pls, where can I find this kind of man, I WANT!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. i like your online persona already chrisyinks. i expect this and more from my husband cos we are one. whoreever siad parenting should be the job of the woman. my dad and my mom worked as a team. i wonder why some men beleive wome should put more effort in building a home. the home front is built by two people, parenting is also a job of two people.
    these societal norms need to be looked into, we need to change them. that was how my friend said i should cook for him cos i am a woman.

    ReplyDelete
  8. My husband is exactly like this! And we live in Nigeria. I bless the day I married him. My mom is always shocked when she comes visiting...but I know that deep down inside she admires him a lot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My hubby is cool too. But my brother is an awesome hubby, his wife is lucky, my mum feels she controls him though but she is happy when my hubby helps, imagine d selfishness! Anyway my brother is rich and my hubby not so rich, maybe that's why she feels it's OK for my hubby to help since I pay some bills

      Delete

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