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Sunday, 27 November 2016

Feminism, Friends & The Master's Bedroom.

So my parents just moved house. 

I'm so thrilled for them 'cause it's the kind of home they've always dreamt of living in. Although it's coming rather later than they'd have preferred, it eventually happened and for that I'm grateful. It's much bigger than where they were and to see them arrange their new rooms is akin to watching 3yr old boys let loose in a toy shop. 

Notice I said rooms? 

For as long as I can remember my parents have always stayed in separate bedrooms. I don't think this impacted  negatively on their marriage as they're obviously still cool, and also the fact that they sha snuck/sneak into the other's room at night to sleep together most nights probably helps. 

A while back, just before they moved in finally, I went over to see what was going on. My mum was there with one of her BFFs, they've been besties since their early 20s. She's a Grandmum like my mum. 

My mum was taking her round to see the house. When she entered the Master's bedroom she became very animated. You see, there are two large bedrooms in the house. One is ensuite, one has its bathroom outside the room. The room that's ensuite (Master's) was taken by my dad, my mum took the other. There were no arguments about this whatsoever, in fact they've both got reasons why they prefer their chosen bedrooms over the other. 

"The tiles here would have been nicer if they were blue, you should give it a feminine touch" Aunty B said to my mum about the Master's bathroom. 

"No aunty, this is daddy's room. Mummy's room is there, her bathroom is over there" I said, pointing in the opposite direction to my mum's bathroom

"WHAT RUBBISH!!" Aunty B suddenly flared. "What nonsense Esther? What absolute rubbish? Why should he get the room with the bathroom? Is he better than you? Don't you also want a room with a bathroom?"


"No I don't really mind", my normally headstrong Mum muttered uncertainly 

"Lai lai o! Me I can't have that nonsense. I won't take it. I will never agree to such an unjust arrangement. If it were me I will insist on taking this one and he can move into the other one, or any other place he chooses". 

At that point I laughed at nothing in particular and louder than I should have, to diffuse the situation and change the topic. 

But I've got to say, it did make me wonder...

I don't agree with her that my mum should have battled with my dad over who gets the Master's bedroom. My parents have been married peacefully for at least forty years and their somewhat traditional methods have worked for them just fine. 

I don't know if Aunty B was coming from a feminist's standpoint or just being troublesome. I couldn't help but wonder if this is the kind of advise she gives her daughters and if, perhaps this played a part in the lack of success of the first one's marriage. 

But I digress...

Could something be said for our parents' traditional methods? Is "the struggle for equality" a reason so many marriages are not making it these days? 

You know, I feel conflicted. I'm an unrepentant feminist. I also know how to dissociate feminism from gender roles, especially within a marriage. But the truth is that the line is sometimes very thin. Or maybe it's not even just feminism, maybe times and things are simply changing and most women today aren't willing to play second fiddle to their husbands. Maybe women today are working harder than the men and bringing in more money than their husbands and that makes our mothers' brand of docility or submissiveness a concept that's becoming alien. 

I'm not sure what direction I'm going with this post to be honest. I guess I've just been imagining how things would be if my mother suddenly decides to go all raging "feminist" on my father. The poor man would be so confused! 😂😂😂

In any case, I believe each couple is unique and each couple should find what works for them and stick to it. 

That said... Can we talk about Aunty B for a minute? Do you have a mother or friends like that? Or are you yourself Aunty B?



  1. Believe it or not in any successful marriage nobody is raging be it female or male. Most people understand their spouses and work well around it. That is what your mother has wisely done. Feminism is understanding equality but also agreed roles- within the context of that particular family unit.

    Every marriage is different - I do not believe in separate bedrooms. Never saw my parents do mother simply had a room whcih served as a closet. For me separate bedrooms reduces intimacy.

    PS: I can sure as damn well bet money on it that Aunty B if she is married is not "raging" in her home especially if she has a good marriage. Raging or trying to be right is more detrimental than good irrespective of who makes or has more in the relationship. If your husband knows you need a larger room or ensuite- he should give it up without it being asked - if you married a normal human being sha.

    Just my two cents.

    1. Lol @ if u married a normal human being. My hubby can be funny atimes but I know I can live with him forever.

  2. There was this post you shared on the blog but you said it was a comment on Bella Naija and the commenter stated that the only man her Bible says she should ever submit to, is her Husband, and not her male colleagues or any other man for that matter. LOL. I don't even know how to link it to this post but am sure it connects somehow and it suddenly popped outta nowhere just after reading.

  3. Lol... to each his own. I think Aunty B took things a little too far. My analogy is, the husband and wife should sleep together, if they did, they'd both have the master's bedroom but since madam has chosen to have her own room, she would have to pick another room in the house.

    My parents have also had separate rooms since I can remember and daddy always had the master's bedroom, no questions asked. But like your parents, they always found a reason to spend the night in each other's room. For a very long time, they were both sleeping in mummy's room and daddy's room was just for his clothes and books.. lol, now it's mummy's room that's for her clothes and books..

    As far as the couple understand each other, who gets to stay in the master's bedroom doesn't matter.

  4. I can remember during those years I was growing up and I will rake about feminism and how I wont tolerate something's when married, my mum will just look at me and say 'its the woman's place to keep her home and that includes understanding your man and know how to remote control him even it means not having your way sometimes. I think that's one of the best things she has ever told me. This feminism thing should be done with brain, there is a great need to know how to balance it out.

  5. Been going round and round with this feminism thing...oh now u see its still the man first. The woman needs to give the man priority, the woman needs to pls her man n try not to make him feel small, the woman needs to..... or am I not understanding?

  6. ........In any case, I believe each couple is unique and each couple should find what works for them and stick to it. ........

    Gbam!! Nuff said.


  7. There are two Master bedrooms in my parents house, a big one and a bigger one. The bigger one belongs to my mum while my dad owns the not so big one. Nobody was there when they decided on who is taking which one.Looking for my dad? He's in my mummy's room, they just change his bedspread from time to time cos of dust. His room is even becoming an extra/optional room for us whenever we visit.
    I've come to realize that the reason they have separate rooms in the first place is because of VERY close relatives that might visit when there's a function in the house. For instance when a couple visits, the wife sleeps in mum's room and same for the men.

  8. Na wa for that Aunty o. There is no issue here. Why does she want to force her opinion on the matter shuu and then she introduced "is he better than you" see wahala o J


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