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Thursday, 17 November 2016

Women & Money.





The first thing I noticed was that she was literally shining, not even glowing, shining; like polished glass. I was awed for barely a year ago she was darkskinned like me. We hugged and sat together while waiting for our respective flights to be called. 

"He is a blessing to me" she said, a few minutes into our conversation. And indeed he is. 

He, her married igbo boyfriend who raised her from the gutters of somewhere in Efurun, Delta state, and elevated her with alarming speed to a posh service apartment in Ikoyi, gifted her with a brand new SUV, gives her a monthly allowance of 500k after all her basic needs have been met, flies her somewhere far far away every other month... for someone who had never been inside a plane two years ago, whose travels were limited to Delta Line from Warri to Lagos, to someone who now flies business class every other month to Dubai, France and South Africa. For someone who never knew she would one day fly Arik to Lagos, to a private jet princess...

"And you know I now have a boutique in Lekki 1? My friend got it for me, I went to Turkey sef last month to buy the clothes". I smiled at the way she refers to her benevolent sponsor cum lover as her "friend". 

"And you know the last time we saw I told you am going for US visa interview? They gave me oooo! We are going to America in December and he wants me to do my masters, but later next year sha... Yes he is going to do my masters for me in America ooo" she added chuckling when she saw the look of surprise on my face.

As they called her flight she scurried to her feet and said "Ehen, let me give you my number"

"But I already have your number" I told her. 

"No you don't, I changed my line last week. My friend changes my line every month... You know how men are nau, he doesn't want anybody to be calling me" she chuckled. "My friend can be very jealous o! You know men nau" 

"Nne, with the way that man has changed your life, he is entitled to change your number anyhow he wants" I said and we both laughed knowingly. 

That was three days ago and I keep thinking about the encounter. My friend (she's actually the younger sister of a friend of mine) might be an extreme example but it only goes to show how a man can be when you're totally financially dependent on him. On the one hand I worry about her because I fear for what might be if she marries an average Joe, or worse yet, a struggling Joe. Because you see, she is eager to be married, and I don't even see how that's going to happen considering that she's not allowed to meet guys or go out. But on the other hand I worry more for her because a young lady in her 20s isn't allowed to be

He changes her line every other month so that anyone (read, guy) that had her number last month wouldn't be able to reach her this month or ever again, she is not allowed to socialize or go out even with girlfriends, at 28 she has a 6pm curfew which would be extended to 7pm when the shop starts running and only on the days she goes to the shop. She cannot make any move without his permission and she can't spend time with friends... And I know that sometimes she gets tired, frustrated, sad and lonely. But that kind of money and the lifestyle it affords is too freaking surreal to turn your back on. So she sits pretty, wistfully watching the world from a window in her castle guarded by the fiery dragon in her mind that his money created. 

In Nairobi, a classmate of mine who works with one of the biggest airlines in the world and earns very well has at least four different businesses in different parts of Kenya. She has a chippo shop (chips n chicken etc), she has a boutique, she has a flower and decor shop and she also has shop for baby/children's clothes and paraphernalia. 

"Only you! Ahn ahn. And you have a good job. Why so many businesses?" We asked in wonderment. 

"My husband left me once" was her simple response. 

She went on to explain the horror she experienced during the years of abuse in her marriage, yet she couldn't leave because she had no job or money of her own. So she stayed put even when he beat her senseless, even when he brought his mistresses home and defiled their matrimonial bed. She endured it all because she had no money of her own. Well to make matters worse, he eventually walked out on her, leaving her with nothing and two hungry mouths to feed. 

She said that was when she saw hell. It was at that point she swore that she will never again be broke or have to depend on anyone ever again. She took the two children to her parents' and decided to grab life by the horns. 

No, women need not have a 9 to 5 job and four side businesses.. All that matters is that we understand the importance of being self sufficient, of being financially free and that we actually are. 

So many women stay and endure bad marriages or relationships because they have no where to go. While some good men will treat you with honour and respect even when you have no source of income and are bringing zilch to the money table, others might rub your face in it because they know you will have no choice but to swallow whatever they dish. 

Ladies, we were built to be pampered and provided for. It can be very tempting to allow a man take care of us and not have to worry about things like money. However, we aren't all princesses and life isn't a fairy tale. We will do well to have our own, be able to hold our own and not be at the mercy of anyone. 

There is so much freedom and power in being financially independent. 




Share your thoughts with me. 
Fellows, I would love to hear your honest opinion on being the sole provider/breadwinner in a relationship or marriage? Do you think it's your responsibility as a man to carry the financial burden alone or would you prefer for a spouse to also being something in, no matter how little?

Ladies, share your thoughts on the post but also tell me, what do you think about being a kept woman? Do you find that kind of lifestyle tempting? 😉





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26 comments:

  1. Kept woman?! What is that?! It is not In our DNA.
    As a woman, you must be financially strong and less dependent on men. That's what has been inculcated in us since I can remember.
    I do not find it tempting at all. I have never even given it a thought. I feel really sad for the 28year old young lady that believes that's the best she can get out of life. Take a look at the Kenyan lady with 4 businesses on the side. Now that's the Kind of woman I want to be and the kind I want my children to look up to.
    2 different women with great potentials to make a. Difference. One has determined never to be at the mercy of a man and has been able to come out of that horrible hole. The other hasn't even realized her potentials yet. Thing is if we know what we are capable of and the power we possess, the world would be a much better place. I think the men realize it early enough, most women never do. Because of ideas like this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are now officially in my wife-to-be list.
      I hate it when a girl feels you owe her your full attention all the time. Especially when the reverse isn't the case.
      My wife must be ambitious, have her life and together we build a grand life for our kids. I cant be in an unbalanced relationship whatsoever.
      Hence why my relationships are usually short lived... 😢
      But u know what, IDGAF. 😂😂😂

      Delete
    2. Uyi my man, great idea with your expectation. Please be very willing to handle the tons of work at home too. Don't go expecting banga and starch when your wife return from work at 9pm.

      Don't get me wrong, I love ambitious women too but I realised that it can be tough for a woman to be very ambitious in a society where anything hardly works and the support from the man can be either weak or non existent.

      Delete
    3. Bros Wale. I can see you know tbe d rill. God bless you.

      Me, I cant be a kept woman. Simple.
      I love my freedom. I am darn to opinionated to be tied down

      Hence i married a man who wants me to spread my wings.

      No woman should be unable to fend for her self. No matter how much a man loves you, please do something.

      Kabouy....where do i send your kiss to.

      Delete
    4. Thank u wale for that response. Perfect response
      Uyi u will soon start GFssss.....

      Delete
    5. My cheek is right here ma'am 😊😊😊

      Delete
    6. Now, my wife doesn't belong to the kitchen so I don't know why I would expect her to cook banga(im glad you guessed my favorite meal right sir) when I feel like or even by 9pm.
      But what if there's banga soup in the fridge and she's not around, I wouldnt go in there to warm my meal? I no dey hungry be that.

      I would not place unimaginable financial expectations on my partner, so why should she?
      That's all I'm saying...

      But from the perspective you've made this statement Mr Wale, if our mentality doesn't change how would the Nigerian society change?

      I repeat, my wife must be financially independent. It has been done, it is being done and it will be my case as well.


      Anon, what's with the I 'will soon start GFssss'?
      I am not understanding... 😊😊😊

      Or you're looking for a man that would ask you to prepare banga soup by 9pm or what? He he he. *yimu*

      Delete
  2. Nice read...I can relate with this story as being the kept woman, although not with much restrictions as the one described.. it's totally enjoyable as u don't have much to worry about, but it makes u lazy and vulnerable. Well, thank God that's all in the past as I received sense and got back on my 2 feet.
    Once upon a time, men were happy with being the sole provider while mummy looks after the kids and does all house chores, but not anymore. Majority of men will rather settle for a woman who's financially stable... and YES, there is so much freedom and power in being financially independent. I can attest to that.

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  3. "So she sits pretty, wistfully watching the world from a window in her castle guarded by the fiery dragon in her mind that his money created" this line reminded me of the time you used to write poetry and short stories. I hope you start writing again soon.

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  4. Disclaimer: I am not condoning a relationship with a married man HOWEVER if any lady wants to go that route you must have an exit plan. You want to get married at lets say 31 then have a plan that will make you independent by 28 or 29. Save money,open a business, make investments, empower people that depend on you e.g parents siblings etc a married man will probably not keep you forever.You have to be smart always.

    I also believe that if you want to eat frog you should eat a bigggg one.So if you catch your big frog, make it count.

    Being financially independent can never be overemphasized and this applies to people in relationship and single people.J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, for any lady who chooses to tow that line a contingency plan is paramount. It sounds tempting indeed but being self-sufficient is a must. What if she decides to leave and he decides to 'reclaim' all he's given her because though he does everything for her, he sounds like he's a bit bonkers or one pack short of a full tin of biscuits if you know what I mean.
      A Girl.

      Delete
    2. I agree, for any lady who chooses to tow that line a contingency plan is paramount. It sounds tempting indeed but being self-sufficient is a must. What if she decides to leave and he decides to 'reclaim' all he's given her because though he does everything for her, he sounds like he's a bit bonkers or one pack short of a full tin of biscuits if you know what I mean.
      A Girl.

      Delete
  5. I feel bad for that lady, she is living in bondage, I for one loves my freedom alot, I can't stand being restricted not for any reason, so if as a man, you wanna tie me down because of the classy life you provide for me, then I would dump your ass. Every woman needs to have a source of income, a man's help is just a plus, when you are made as a woman, it gives you an edge in your relationship or over any man. I just pray it won't be too late for the 28yrs old lady when she finally decides to take a walk, because the guy might even refuse to let her go.

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  6. Whoa! Why do i feel the "kept woman" is not who your friend really wants to be, but then....
    Oh well, to me, its NOT tempting in any shape or form.

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  7. Like i always say, nothing beat having your own money. Even if dey give u fine but ur own is ur own. Like d woman with many businesses she knows d demon she saw when d man left her.
    Reminds me of my neighbours case, very beautiful woman to got married to an average igbo man who made her stop work but 4 children later and anoda 8 mnths pregnancy barely any money to feed, she is now d witch in d house. Starves her and keeps telling her to go and work like her mates wt belle. Rapes her at will calling it his rught nd beats her sef bt she has no where to go, no money to even buy chewing gum. And now he is talking about his ex who is a doctor and supports him wt money, so he cant feed her with d money she shud work like her mates.
    If that is not enuf example to make women buckle up dnt know wat is again, pleasr let us(women) start having brain and learning to enjoy having your own money even if its one naira u make, is urs, nobody wud take it from you wen dey devide to leave.
    Pls dnt mind the typo jare.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I rather till the soil for my own money and freedom compared to being a kept woman. I am too stubborn to be caged, I would walk out on a husband who places such restrictions like the one in your story much more a "sugardaddy", what's the use of money without freedom. Her case is even "crazy" because he's a nutcase. I hope he allows her move on when she's ready to
    PS: lemme come out of anonymous biko

    ReplyDelete
  9. I rather till the soil for my own money and freedom compared to being a kept woman. I am too stubborn to be caged, I would walk out on a husband who places such restrictions like the one in your story much more a "sugardaddy", what's the use of money without freedom. Her case is even "crazy" because he's a nutcase. I hope he allows her move on when she's ready to
    PS: lemme come out of anonymous biko

    ReplyDelete
  10. See you can take a man's money and make it your own. You've just got to be smart and doubly so, if he's someone else's husband(that's what makes it pain or gives others ample right to wrinkle their noses at you).

    People live life differently and opportunities can come for someone- man or woman through a partner, no biggie!

    Some people are okay being the kept woman- either in relationships or in marriages and that's fine as long as they're truly being well-kept, and have a way to make things work for them should things go sour and the keeper jumps ship. What I don't like is being kept and being clueless(no education, no knowledge garnering; mustn't be formal education alone, no money in the bank and becoming totally lazy) or not being well kept.

    The lady in question could make it all work for her but she has to be very smart, secretive, not allow this lifestyle change her outlook and value in life totally and 'give herself brain.'

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    Replies
    1. Brilliant analysis! She has to be very smart and smart women almost always have everything figured out. They are usually miles ahead of us.

      Delete
  11. Why do I say? We all have options; we all have freewill to choose whatever we want (bearing in mind that whatever choice we make has a price).

    She is not naive, therefore she knows what she is doing. It is obvious she is not particularly happy but she seems to be unwilling to pay the price of happiness which comes from freedom and financial independence.

    Her choice, her life.

    -F

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  12. That your Kanyan friend is Bea....



    *QuirkyMoi*

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  13. Nothing beats an independent woman. Your career and finance would never wake up one morning to leave you. I have always worked for my own financial freedom, not there yet but surely making progress...

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    Replies
    1. You will get there soon! Hi 5! ✋🏽

      Delete
  14. Another category are the ones that earn more than the men in relationships.

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