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Monday, 19 December 2016

Dear Thelma (I'm Having Second Thoughts After He Slapped Me).




Pls post this, I need advice I'm very down. 

I'm supposed to get married at Easter next year and up until last week I was very excited because I was so sure I'm marrying the right man for me. We have dated for four years and we have never had any big fights aside from usual misunderstanding etc. We went out on Friday night with his friends, one of them newly started dating this chic that is hot sha. As in she's still in her 3rd year in Uni and her nickname is Nigerian Barbie even on social media, because she is very slim but her curves na die. You know, skinny and tiny waist but wide hips and big bum and quite busty too. And of course she plays up her sexuality so her hair; "Funmi Hair", false lashes, contoured face etc. 

The first day we met her on Thursday as in I myself could tell her she was hot and if I could then of course my fiancΓ© who is a guy would notice it too. So I wasn't very surprised when he made a remark to me about how she is very shapy, how "she has nice curves mehnnn". I smiled and let it slide. On Friday afternoon we went to hang out with them in her boyfriends house and she was wearing something like a lingerie. Later she got up to go and change and my boyfriend eyes was just glued to her. I tried to ignore it but next thing he started telling me "babe this girl is very sexy, Kai! She is too sexy. She's so freaking sexy". I was so mad honestly. 

I know we have a kind of relationship where we are quite free with each other and if we see someone that is hot on social media or maybe even on the road we will talk about it together and just laugh about it. But this one was getting too much. My fiancΓ© is not blind and I know he admires other chics but truth is that in 4 years of dating I don't think he has cheated on me, or I have just never caught him, and it's not for lack of trying. I know, and everyone knows how much he loves me, even when I'm not in the country and he hangs out with his friends, their own chics tell me how it's crazy that they never see him with anyone else even when I travel for months. 

Going forward, when we went clubbing that night, nobody was dancing until they started playing some reggae jams. My boyfriend is a raggae fan, and apparently so is nigerian barbie. Both of them practically jumped up at the same time and started dancing, but not together sha. But this chic can dance oh. Next thing bobo started to stare at her practically drooling. Kai I was embarassed, even her own boyfriend wasn't looking at her like that. When he eventually sat down I had to beg him to stop staring at her like that. Of course on one hand I felt embarrassed, on the other hand I also felt insecure but that's not even the problem behind this mail so I will cut the long story short. 

When we were driving to the hotel I still brought up the issue of him staring at her because I wanted him to admit it and apologize, so that next time he wil be more careful. He however kept denying it and this led to an argument in the car, with him shouting at me to shut up. I refused and next thing I know this guy gave me a dirty resounding slap on my face. Like the kind that deafen and blind you for some seconds. I swear I saw bright lights and I'm still having headaches on the side he slapped me. 

I immediately jumped out of the car and he started shouting on me to get back into the car. I refused n tried to get my bag from inside but grabbed the collar of my dress that I should enter the car and I still refused, this resulted in him tearing my dress (new dress btw, one of my christmas shopping) into shreds. I ran into the hotel practically naked, but thank God it was like 3am, only the receptionist saw me. 

Since the next morning till now he is still begging and swearing that he was high and I should forgive him. We came back to Abuja last night and he is saying he wants to go and he has told his brothers what happened, they called me to beg too. If he was a mere boyfriend I could easily forgive but this person is about to be my husband and I cannot deal with domestic violence. In our fours years of dating he has never touched me before so I'm tempted to believe him that it was a one off n only because of the alcohol, but on second thought, everybody says it starts with just one slap. Some people even say that some men are not abusive during the relationship but start after marriage. So I don't know whether that was a sign. 

Please what do you think I should do? I can't tell anyone in my family or friends because I don't want them to know. Of course I still love him but I don't want to make a mistake. Please I know I sound stupid but is there anyone that has experienced that kind of one off physical assault and it never never happened again? 


Thank you. 

16 comments:

  1. This is difficult. How well do you think you know him?

    Ill say - Forgive him and marry him. You love him and he loves you right? But promise me one thing - That if he ever tries such again you will walk away from the marriage even if you have 10 kids and no money.

    Also let him know that you will not stand for any form of violence, that you will leave the marriage if he tries that shit again.

    Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kon the 10 kids later makes it all the harder to walk. Ask women who have been there...

      www.pynk360.com

      Delete
  2. Back off and if you dont intend to call of the wedding postpone the damn thing till you are sure. Easter is far....and the rest of your life is a long time to suffer from someone who refuses to control himself. Take your time and assess if the relationship is what you want, and what happens if the violence repeats itself. I am sorry I dont believe there is anyone that cannot control themselves unless of course if they are sick...blaming alcohol for slapping you and tearing your clothes? So why didnt he drink less if he is not rational when he is drinking? Better open your eye, na from slap e go turn to belt. Abusers - verbal or physical are ofteb great apologists...

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said Pynk.

      Anyone can raise his/her hands against another in a fit of rage or impulse. Oftentimes, its the succeeding action that counts the most - in this case, he wasn't immediately remorseful, but further aggravated the 'injury.'

      Tough one....., but I'd say this: I think you need some time to see things objectively. Take some time to think and re-evaluate the relationship and also; be equally open to other relationships as you'd be for a second chance.

      PS: I trust you'd make the best decision!

      Delete
  3. I'm with Miss Pynk on this one. On the one hand, it seems like it was just a bad evening but on the other, everyone can control themselves, it's a matter of choice. If he was sane enough to drive you home with that much alcohol in his system, he was sane enough to decide whether or not to slap you. He tore your dress?

    Just take your time to think about it very well cos the rest of your life is a very long time and to spend that in an abusive relationship will eventually drive you nuts so, don't be in a rush. You can also try talking to a well rounded and discrete adult about it, it might help.

    Also, staring and another woman's body so much that you noticed it is just disrespectful, drunk or not..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hmmmm:,let me read comments what do I know sef.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't want to over analyze the whole story
    But Babe please I kneel down beg you. please walk away.A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.
    Once a guy raises his hands on a lady believe me he will do it again and again if not now in the future.
    A man that raises his hand on a woman is a pure "bast@Rd"
    His reasons sef _ high
    What nonsense!!!
    Kai

    Signed Bv Beloved


    ReplyDelete
  6. He slapped you,this can be a one time thing(no guarantee). He tore your cloths, who does that? Which man wants the public to feast their eyes on something that should be exclusively for his eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This hurts man.

    The disrepect was too much.
    Mive the wedding indefinately if you have to. Do not be in a hurry to settle.

    See his reactions after the indefinite postphonement of the wedding.

    Fact is even after 4 years, you really cant claim to know a person so well.

    He has however shown you who he is and how he will react in the future should anything of this nature happen.

    Be wise.

    ReplyDelete
  8. In addition to Miss Pynk's comment, dating period is usually when a man is at its best. And that's when he chose to give you a slap? Bad idea..
    Do you people know when God is giving you warning signs to not go ahead with your plans??

    Then this.."I can't tell anyone in my family or friends because I don't want them to know". Why shouldn't they know? Who will rescue you if/when things get worse? The first thing you need to do is to open up so you can get support from family and friends.

    That guy is damaged, will damage you and will wreck the home if you build one with him, anger is destructive. After all, there are more alcohol days ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  9. May be you can be another example to those who do not understand the magnanimity of hitting your partner I.e. Aggravated assault. And leave his ass after 4 years. Wait, 4 years of distant and close relationship? Getting married On Easter?
    Stop...
    Think for a while, be objective as possible.
    Leaving him should be a rather rational and Very conscious decision you make and won't regret whatsoever.

    Meeting with a therapist can help alot. That's if you both have access to one.
    Some were slapped and lived a happily married life after, most didn't. Where does your situation fall into? That's a question that you have to thoroughly think through.
    And you have to be holistic about it.
    In the end, you alone, knows him more than we do. And your actions are what matter.

    ReplyDelete
  10. 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳
    He slapped you and tore your dress 😳😳😳
    Tore your dress😳😳😳😳😳😳
    Ha! Uncle Wale thank you for the sound advice. If he can tear your dress because of an argument Whilst you're still dating... no flag can be redder than that!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't know which pained me more,the slap or the torn cloths. You have a big decision to make. The truth is that no one can tell you for sure if this will be a one time thing or not. J

    ReplyDelete
  12. They've said everything! So, sorry if I digress. As per Nigerian Barbie, I searched for the name on IG...To my surprise, plenty girls are claiming Nigerian Barbie.
    Dear poster, please if you don't mind, her IG name just won't do because I must see this girl that has caused so much trouble!
    ...and she doesn't even know!

    Take charge of the situation because only you can. From taking him back to postponing the wedding to breaking ties... Do what your head says is right. Don't follow your heart oo

    ReplyDelete
  13. The 'tore my dress' part left me speechless.....


    *QuirkyMoi*

    ReplyDelete

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