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Dear Thelma (I'm His Second Best. What Should I Do?)

Happy new year thelma thinks family, please advise seriously needed. I am engaged to the man I consider the love of my life, and I used the think it was mutual. We dated for a year before he proposed on the 1st of December. I know he really wants to settle down and have a family of his own soon. I also know that he loves me, he pampers me a lot and respects me. I know he used to have a girlfriend who he loved in the past but I thought that was over. Last week I snooped and I read their chat and I have been so much confused since then. Their chats have spanned several months and I see that he is always the one who contacts her first, mostly she is cold but polite. He still tells her that he loves her and is in love with her etc, she only responds with lol. He only told her about me this December yet we've been dating since 2015, she asked him if he is seeing anybody and he said yes and he admitted that it is a serious relationship but he didn't even tell her that we are engaged. After that they started to chat more frequently. I don't understand why girls prefer men that are already taken, before he told her about me she was always cold to him, now they chat more often and when he contacts her she is warmer. Later on he admitted to her that he proposed to me and the lady was indifferent. 

The part that is making me afraid now is that last week when he messaged her he told her that he still loves her, and that if she agrees to marry him he will immediately cancel our engagement. He said his parents still ask after her and his father still believes that she is the one who is meant to be his wife. Apparently when they were dating he wanted to marry her but she wasn't interested. 

When he told her that, she said she too is already in a relationship, and besides that he has proposed to me so he should go ahead and marry me. His reply was "the only reason I proposed to her is because you don't want to marry me. Give me a yes and I swear by March we will be married". 

She replied with lol and has not come back to the chat or responded to his messages since then. 

I don't think she will come back to him so it's safe to say that he and I are still very engaged, but I no longer know how I feel. Everybody is telling me that it doesn't mean anything, that most people always have somebody else they will rather marry, but still have a good marriage with the person they marry. Is this true? I feel uncomfortable going ahead with the wedding plans knowing now that I am just a plan b. 

Please advise me. 



  1. Oh honey.

    Big hugs.

    Don't go ahead with that wedding; she has his heart in her palms and she will play it like a fiddle whenever and wherever she wants

    If you don't love him deeply, then go ahead with being his "let me just marry and know I married" option - but if you're deeply emotionally invested in him, then resentment will set in at some point.

    Hugs again.

    1. So sorry .
      If you were my sister is tell you with all honesty and sincerity not to marry him.

      You see, being married is an entirely different ball game.

      Please my dear, drop sentiments aside. Don't marry this dude.

      The regrets you will feel afterwards will eat you up always.

  2. Ohhhh the handwriting is boldly written girl,I don't think you need.a.soothsayer to tell you that. to.him,you re just an option,take it or.leave it. use your tongue to count your teeth hun. I.hope you make the right decision,BTW what do I know?.

  3. If I were in your shoes I'll end the relationship...I'm just to proud to know I'm 2nd best. What if she wants him after you're married? This is am affair waiting to happen. He'll gladly divorce you and marry her.

  4. Why are you not telling him all these?
    I just feel you need to let him know you know... He needs to come to a realization of what/who he wants. Honey, trust me, what ever he then decides to do, is for the greater good! Don't push it, just talk to him as though God is speaking through you and as graceful as possible. He needs to take a break to know who tickles his fancy.

    Do all you would about this issue like God has already taken control. He should see you're comfortable with anything regardless the outcome.

    I'm trying to root for your happiness as I would for myself.
    At the end of the day, his will shall be done.

    1. God bless you anon. this reply is so apt.

    2. I concur with this Anon. Let him know that you know. Tell him as calmly as possible how much you love him and explain why you will walk away from him (cos you can't afford to be number 2 when he's number 1 in your own life). He has to make a choice.

      Please, be as calm, classy, graceful and cool headed as you can be(no tears, screaming, shaking or anger). Just be normal when you lay everything down for him.

      It's ok to also let him know how much he hurt you.

      I hope this works out very well for you.


  5. Replies
    1. You and Nkanbe sef....sideeye

      I want proper sasha bone-ish


  6. He doesn't respect you to say all those things after he made a commitment to you belt giving you a ring. Talk to him and make sure his heart is in the right place before you go on with the wedding

  7. Jokes. My advice - Go ahead and marry the man you love!

    There are many happy marriages with people that were 2nd best. So many people are married to partners that they do not love 100% and they are doing just fine. When it comes to matters of the heart, its not maths. You can eave him and never find another person you love so much. You can leave him for somebody you think is 100% faithful and 3 years down the line he starts to act irrational. Who knows the future. You can only work with what you know in the present and the little you can predict about the future. Do the following:
    1) Go ahead and marry him because you love him and he respects you
    2) Confront him with love and let him open up completely with you.
    3) Atleast you know who the enemy is: Watch her and watch your back.


    1. But that's the thing though, he doesn't respect her. If he does, he wouldn't dismiss their "very serious" relationship like that. That was so disrespectful. The day that other lady will meet this BV, she would just sneer at her knowing the guy doesn't take the relationship with a pinch of salt. It's sad really..


    2. The differnce here is that she knows clearly that she isnt number one.

      THi advice does more harm than good.

      She needs to tell him how she feels and move on.

      Marriage isn't a walk in the park, except these vows are not being taken seriously.

  8. I wonder why pple are so quick to say leave him, leave him ... meanwhile if they were in ur shoes, they'll gree-die inside there!

  9. Like anon 6:05pm said. Please try to talk to him,his reaction would determine if you should go ahead with the marriage or not.

    Also be ready to be accused of going through his phone.



  10. In confronting him, I think u shudnt let him know that u went tru his phone bc u'll lose access to dat phone forever. Questions like if he really loves you and if u're d first in his life. From his reactions & responses u can make ur judgement.
    Letting him know outright dat u went tru his phone ll not only piss him off but u won't ve access again.

  11. Sometimes people don't value what they have until they face the possibility of losing such thing. I won't ask you to break off your engagement right off, confront him and ask for a break. Asking for a break will send the signal that you are not desperate to get married just to anyone. How he fights to get you back will determine if he does cherish you or if u are just a lady filling the shoes of a girl he can't have. J

  12. Sorry dear, your man is emotionally attached to another and that is the most difficult attachment to severe, marriage is no joke. Do you want to be second best all
    Your life?will you marry him knowing that he loves another? The decision is up to you. Good luck


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