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Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Iyanu: Becoming Me.




I know not so much about planting. I remember the few times I made an attempt at it, or saw a family member make an attempt. It was all fun for us, the trying out of new stuff but I doubt it was the same for the seed. Usually we left it out in the sun to dry and I doubt anyone of us wants to be left in the sun for a prolonged time considering the state of Nigerian weather. If I was that seed, I’ll probably go through the five stages of grief; Denial (oh this jolly fellows couldn’t have left me outside here, I remember them eating me lovingly they must have just forgotten to throw me away), anger (of course humans are exceptionally dense headed which is why they wouldn’t think to repay me for all my sweet sweet juices), bargaining (ah, if only the breezecould move me to that shade by the wall), depression (of course it’s just my bad luck that I end up in the hands of this humans, even that extremely sour agbalumo that sat by me in the fruit bowl didn’t go through this same fate, even the try that birthed me never cared much for me *sob sob) and finally acceptance (it’s not like I can do anything about it, let me just die quickly).


And eventually the fruit dries out and is planted, yet again the seed cries out for air, it thinks it is buried alive and wishes for the hot scorching sun that it wanted to previously give up… until one day, after weeks of nurture by the farmer (which in this scenario is me), it rears its head out. The same goes for us.


2016 was quite a long year for me and I can remember the details with amazing clarity which is strange for me since I get time all muddled up. I remember the beginning, I was nearing the end of 400 level and was in an endocrinology posting, I was part of the committee that planned for our end of posting party and I was still dating my boyfriend, all well and good in the world. February came for me and I travelled to Baltimore shortly after Valentine’s Day to spend ten days, it was short because that’s the life of a medical student, we rarely have breaks and I had a valid U.S. visa which was going to expire in November and hadn’t been used even once. My holiday turned out boring, the only place I visited was the mall, and the only thing I enjoyed was perpetual light and Wifi that made my phone my best friend. My host want very receptive.


I came back to Lagos, resumed 500L a week late and got right down to the resumed routine of 9-5 classes and research work which took me to Obanikoro almost weekly to share questionnaires to residents who really couldn’t be bothered. I was an executive in my fellowship and things were going pretty smooth then the second quarter of the year came.


I made a few online friends; most of them from blogs I read regularly and some of them became dreamy in my head. I started questioning my relationship; why couldn’t my boyfriend be more like this or that? Why couldn’t he be rich? Why couldn’t he be a deep thinker? Why did he have to take life like a pinch of sand? Why was in involved in all the things I’ll rather not be involved with? Why must he like the glam? He noticed my change, queried me about it and then I almost broke up with him coming up with a lot of excuses in tow. We would have broken up but for a few good advises from people I love and from the goodness of his heart


At that time, things were not going so smoothly amongst the excos anymore and even the fellowship congregation was beginning to be nowhere to be found. The excos that were available tried to cover up for the lapses of those that weren’t available. Things were also not going so smoothly at home, my dad had lost his job two years before but had managed to be away for most of that time and had money to spare hence the travelling up and down of me and siblings but by now the money had dwindled down and he was at home with a pensioners salary, and a wife who had to take care of all the children and run a business/job and the house.


The second quarter of the year came to an end, I had written my community health professional exam and hadn’t been able to finish up my research work and then the surprising news came, we were going to have an almost 3 month holiday period which was partly for project defense, clinical electives, resit examinations and nothing. Considering the fact that I wasn’t going to defend my unfinished project, and I didn’t plan on doing a clinical electives (it’s optional) I had a lot of time on my hand. I spent one moth doing a form of internship at an estate management firm, finished up my project and defended it with the resit examinations, spent some time at home and spent the rest in school. When there’s free time and a lot of unanswered questions in your head, chances are that you’ll be depressed and that was what I was. Depressed. I remember the month clearly, November, nothing seemed to be working out for me, I was broke as fuck, things were worse at home but I went with the motions; Wake up, think about what to it, realize I have nothing and be sad, think again about home, think about people, think about the problems with this world, think about God. From eight executives in a fellowship, we had somehow become four and from a membership of like thirty people we had somehow become fifteen and less. I signed up to be part of an interclass project though as part of a health week program and my class came second by 0.4 marks. Lol.

   

The year had eventually come to an end, I’m somewhere in between 500 and 600level, I’ve worked and prayed my way out of depression and I’ve decided to be intentional. I attend classes all the time now and try not to miss postings, I’m fixing the things I can fix and letting go of the ones I can’t. The New Yearcan’t start soon enough for me, I already came through on all my resolutions yet I feel the year ushers in a new season, a new dawn. Im grateful for this year and for my friends and for all the things that I learnt. 


For a star to be born there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. Crumble. This is not your destruction. This is your birth. – Zoe Skylar.






***

Thanks so much for sharing Iyanu. I love that last sentence, the quote. It's really speaks to me. 


For anyone else who wishes to share, feel free to send an email to thelmathinks@gmail.com





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14 comments:

  1. Great to see you are not allowing depression take over your life. Keep doing what you are doing, take one day as it comes and one step at a time. You get there before you know it.


    Depression cannot hold you down.


    #GirlPower


    *QuirkyMoi*

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  2. Nice story....here's hoping (and praying) 2017 brings you many fulfilled desires and plans.

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  3. Well done, and keep moving. May the year bring you joy and happiness.

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  4. This was a good read. Thanks for sharing. I pray 2017 brings us all Every thing we hope and pray for.

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  5. Congratulations darling. You survived and now, you're stronger. Here's praying 2017 will be a greater year for you.

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  6. Good write up. Be easy with using the word depression. Im sure you were not depressed, things were just slow and boring. It happens to everybody at some point in life. I sense that you gat a bright spirit and very optimistic, keep that up and always have a smile. Remember that nothing is ever so serious.

    Peace

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    Replies
    1. Actually I'm pretty sure I was. And it has happened before. I know the symptoms. I just oversimplified it in the write up

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  7. Having in mind that it can't get any worse than it already is hence...It can only get better.

    Nice read dear.

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  8. The ability to put your struggles and victories into words surely took a lot of courage,for that I am proud of you.

    Glad you are better and going stronger in all facets by the day.

    Favourite

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  9. Beautiful write up. It could only get better..

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  10. keep going, all is well that ends well

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  11. Depression and anxiety is a slow poison and I'm proud of you dear... You came through, this new year will provide more glory for you.
    One Love forever

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