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Sunday, 26 February 2017

Dear Thelma (How Soon Is Too Soon?)

Happy Sunday my fellow TTB lovers. Please come together and put mouth in my issue. How long should you date somebody before you marry please? I met him end of December and he proposed this month. Actually from the week that we met he told me that he wants to get married, he is not ready for games or dating or anything like that. He believes that he is a good person and that I'm one too, and that any issue or surprise that arises in marriage, we will both work together and deal with it. I have met his siblings and dad, he has met my mum. Mum is fine with it because I'm getting older, she just says as long as he will love and cherish me like his own sister, it's ok. She also says it's okay if I don't love him now, that people can fall in love while married, and that its even better that way. Hmm, what do you think?  

I know this guy really wants to settle down again (married once with two kids, he said the marriage failed partly because of immaturity, he got married at 25 and she 18, and other reasons). He is doing everything he can to make me happy and he says all he wants is a family to come home to at the end of the day. Presently he seems to adore me and tries all he can to make me happy. He has opened up to me about almost everything about him, his previous marriage, his finances, his plans for business, his dreams, his investments and he asks for my input on everything. I guess he is just doing all that he can to make me feel like a wife and show me that he means business. I like him as a person and we have chemistry but I feel like I'm doing a crash program. I feel kinda rushed, he is rushing the whole getting to know you and bonding process that usually take about a year to build, and it's just been a little over two months that we met. 

When he proposed I said yes but I don't wear my very beautiful engagement ring because it all feels so unreal. I haven't even told any of my friends that I am engaged. He is planning a visit with some of his people to my dad who resides in our home town. I am so confused BVs, I'm praying and praying about it. I know that in December I prayed to meet my husband soon, but I am so full of doubt and fear. The two couples I know who met and married in less than six months are now divorced. But I also know a couple who dated for 9 years and divorced 8 months into marriage. 

Please I need your advise. I'm past 30 but I don't want to make mistakes in marriage. Please what will you do if you're me. 

Thank you. 


  1. Sit down quietly and listen to your intuition. If you strongly feel it's all happening too quickly, then it most likely is. Nobody can make this decision for you. I personally don't agree with the way he seems to be rushing you also added to the fact that he has been married before. Don't stop praying too.
    I wish you the best and hope you don't make a mistake because of pressure.

  2. Since the man in question is all so grown up with a renowned wisdom of the world, why can't he go back to his wife, make peace and rebuild his marriage.
    I have been in this rush rush let's get to marriage quickly and I can tell you it didn't end well. It was at the end I realised that all the signs were there. Thank God it ended.
    Dear Poster, I know the reality of your age may also be a factor of you desiring to settle down.
    But I advise you make your research (meet the ex wife), pray seriously. I would have added 'look before you leap' but you have already taken a decision. The bone of contention is if you're willing to abide by this life long decision.
    I pray God guides dear.

  3. Hello poster.

    Honestly I cant get married to a man I just met few months back. But what do I know? There are not set rules to these matters of the heart/ marriage and if there is any, who set them? On whose mandate?

    However it is more advisable to court and get to know your partner likes and hates to avoid shocking moves. By so doing to a reasonable extent you know whom/what you are dealing with for the rest of your life. I know we go to school so we can be enlightened and perhaps set a bright future for ourselves but it doesn't really guarantee us a good and debt free life. Yet you would agree with me that it gives us an edge when push comes to shove. All I am trying to say is that you either prepare for the best or hope that the worse keeps still.

    Divorced people have a right to love and be loved again, yes. But please it would do you more good to hear from both parties. sometimes there is more to than meet the eye.

    Again it could be answered prayers, afterall God's ways are not our ways, this brings me to prayer. Ask for the spirit of discernment and exposition of great and mighty things which you do not know in accordance to the scripture(people can pretend, men and women likewise). Acknowledge God in all your doings and he will guide your affairs. Ask God to give you peace of mind if he is right for you. Afterall we are all trying to make it right.

    My tribal saying translated: Marriage is like a big bag of "okirika" what ever you see when opened you live with. But then my mum would caution, "these bags come in different grades and so the prices differ. so baby to an extent you do not expect total thrash from a 1st grade...look before you leap"

    I like that he shares his dreams and support you, happiness is all that matters poster. Make him your friend and play more often. I wish you well.

  4. Dear poster, just go with the flow... there are no set rules to it. Face ur own and stop looking at other pples own. Focus on ur own and make efforts to make it best for u n ur children.

  5. well pray about it and if you feel peace within then go for it. It's not how long you know the person but how well. I met my hubby end of January, Started dating early February and got married in July. We still married, 7 years and counting all thanks to God. The courtship duration never determines a successful marriage

  6. Why do I feel like I know this person?

    1. Hian Chiezugo. U know nobody joor.

      Dear poster, personally, I won't marry sb I met just few months ago. Ve u told him anything about ur uncertainty? I'd suggest u talk with him, he shud allow u guys some more time to know urselves beta, say 2 or 3 more months. I feel he's rushing to cover up sth so dat by d time u find out, d deed is done. Aw does his people treat you? Overtly fine? Pls suspect sth if dey're too good.
      Although it's possible dat he's being plain, but my dear, u've to be sure to some extent jare, we're talking abt marriage here.
      I pray God gives you His discernment fast.

  7. If your heart is telling you to slow down,then slow down. Ask him for time to get to know him better and be open to him that you are not comfortable with the whole rush thing. While praying,juo ese ofuma(ask questions well)esp about his failed marriage.

  8. Dear poster I'm not being judgmental here but do you know iif you marry that man u will forever live in sin? Yes. The bible says in malachi 2:16 " I hate divorce says the lord of isreal" so why do u want to sin against God by marrying a divorcee? A divorced spouse should never remarry except his or her spouse is dead. He or she sud be ready to abstain from any extra-marital affair till the spouse dies. Forget what your pastors tell you, this is what the bible says. So why would you want to live in sin all d rest of your life?
    Hate me all u want but this is the blunt truth.(Please memphis shed more light on this so she wud understand).

  9. I would advise you to exercise caution. I used to be of the opinion that once two people see each other, like, and want to marry as soon as possible, they can go right ahead.
    Till I once met a guy who supposedly loved everything about me, wanted to see me at any given opportunity and basically made me feel like a queen. He said he wanted to marry me within the first week we started seeing. He seemed out of this world, and like a dream guy. I took a while getting to know him, and spending as much time as possible with him. And then one day a few weeks later, I said/did something, and it was like the nut holding everything together for him just came undone, and he became somebody I never even knew. In like 48hrs, he was almost unrecognisable. And he remained that unrecognisable person from that point onwards. I was just looking like “So had it not been for Baba God who was by my side, this is how like play like play, people enter one chance in the name of marriage?” My dear, my advice is that if possible (if possible o!), take your time to get to know the mister, especially how he responds in the following situations, so you are not in for a rude awakening. Know how he handles situations when:
    - When he is angry
    - When he is upset
    - When he is disappointed
    - When you have a contrary opinion to his
    - When he is disrespected
    - When he is lonely
    - When he is depressed
    - When he is discouraged

    But having said all that, there are people who meet, hit it off straight away, and sail from there right into their happily everafters. Listen to God most importantly, what is HE saying? Do not be clouded by your feelings. At this time more than ever, you should be on your knees!


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