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Monday, 20 February 2017

Dear Thelma... (It's Complicated).




My story may be complicated but Pls be patient with me. 

Few months ago I met a man at my friend's party, he is her husband's friend and it's as if he immediately developed feelings for me. After some weeks of ignoring him I noticed that I was having feelings for him too, so we started to spend more time talking and chatting. Shortly after that he asked me if I'm a relationship, I answered that yes I'm seeing someone. He was hurt and ended the call. 

I have been dating someone for sometime now, but he is married. I know it is wrong and I'm not proud about it, and I keep on asking God why the only man that has ever given me the kind of love, attention and care that I've always prayed for is a married man. I am not the kind of person to cause trouble nd I know that no matter how great our relationship is, we don't have a future together. I'm in love with my boyfriend but I don't want to wake up at 40 years and find that I wasted my best years with a married man so I'm open to moving on. 

My new friend on the other hand came back and said he still wants me in his life so we kept on talking. However last week he put two and two together and realized that the boyfriend I have is a married man. I could immediately feel his disgust and disappointment. He didn't hide it as we were talking on the phone and his voice became very hurt and he said he was done with me and hung up. However shortly after that he sent me a message begging me to explain why someone like me is dating a married man. He said he was disappointed and I nearly brought him to tears, he said he feels it's a very stupid thing for me to do. 

At that point I noticed his feelings towards me changing. He started to talk to me and treat me different. But later he called and asked for us to see, which we did. I explained to him how I found myself dating a married man and he says he understands but he doesn't like it. He then said that he never wants to talk about the married man again and before the night ended, he came out plainly that he does not want a girlfriend, he wants a wife. And I am what he wants in a wife. That he is still believing that we can have a future together. 

Now my problems are these:

Will him knowing that I have been dating a married man, affect our relationship in the long run? I kinda feel that even though he is saying he can overlook it now provided I break up with him immediately, he may later use it against me. I also worry that if we get married, he may have no issues having an affair and rubbing it in my face because after all, I was dating a married man when we met. Thoughts?

Secondly, he is extremely close to his sisters. This is a man that's almost 40 yet he cannot make a single decision without consulting with his sisters., especially his immediate younger sis. For instance, the day I told him I have a boyfriend and he hung up. He immediately called her to tell her. When I admitted that the boyfriend is married, instantly he called her to tell her. When I told him I sometimes drink alcohol, he called her to ask what she thinks. He tells her everything and even forwards our chats to her. Sometimes when he calls me and he is with her, he'll put the phone on speaker so that she can hear the full conversation. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Both when he told her I have a boyfriend and he is married, she asked him to still give me a chance, and that at least I was honest about dating the married man. So, I don't think she is a bad person, but I'm not sure if I'm confortable with the minutest details of our relationship being shared with his sisters. 

Also, he is a divorcee. He is yet to tell me what caused the divorce but it seems that he has moved on, and his ex is remarried too, so there's not much issue there. 

But lastly, and I am also very worried about this. He is from a polygamous home. That kind of home where the siblings don't all know each other, the mothers aren't at peace with each other and some of the siblings don't get along. I have heard a lot about polygamous homes and some not so good things about marrying into them. I would appreciate any advise that I can get on this. 

My fellow blog readers it's all complicated and I feel as if I should just back out, but somewhere in my spirit I believe that this guy really wants to settle down with me, and I would like to get married soon too, and I also have feelings for him. But I don't know if he is the right person. I need your advise please. Thanks. 



Just a recap, advise me on if he will treat me badly because I'm dating a married man, and/or if his sisters can later use it against me. Him sharing every single detail of every event with his sister(s) and depending on them to advise him on what to do. Marrying into a very polygamous family. 

Thank you. 







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31 comments:

  1. Dear poster, you made a big mistake by letting him know u are dating or dated a married man... u shouldn't have! Even after he heard or found out, u should have denied it. Sometimes men don't deserve the truth... Yes!!

    He may act like all is fine, but when u guys have a fight which u definitely will, trust me, he'll bring it up.

    Him being too close with his sisters is OK but sharing every detail with them is a bit off and really doesn't make sense.
    My candid advice is that u stick with the guy since ur ready to settle, but be careful what u tell him, don't say too much...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poster what anon said.

      Delete
    2. Wehdonema! Me thinks she did well telling the truth, let any man that can't handle that move along please.
      It is sickening reading about all these talks that benefits no one, when do we start living based on whether somebody deserve the truth or not? Why not live a very honest life for you!
      The truth has set her free, no need hiding' let the man deal with it!

      Delete
    3. Wale... it's good to be honest, but somethings are better left unsaid. As a man it's easy to say be honest, question is: are men honest? Once they fight, he'll freaking bring it up and act as a saint.
      Well, poster it's left to u... do as u pls.

      Delete
    4. Oga Wale, it's really not that simple. Most men can't handle the truth. They take what you tell them I confidence and throw it in your face at a time you least expect it. Some would even do it in the presence of a third-party so what's the use. As far as its not life threatening, I say keep your secrets to yourself cos if you can't keep it, how do you expect others to?

      Delete
  2. In other news, CCCC brought her tiny feets into the world. A baby girl. God be praised.

    errrm sisi if u see this, just know i couldnt hold the joy for long.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay!!!!!!! šŸ’ƒšŸ½šŸ’ƒšŸ½šŸ’ƒšŸ½šŸ’ƒšŸ½

      Delete
    2. Congratulations CCCC....God's blessings on the birth of your baby girl. Chrisyinks

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    3. Yay! We have a new baby! Congratulations CCCC, God bless you both.

      Plus, Habibi, you have plenty personalities now o, from Habibi, to Bibi, now it's Yellow Sisi...lol how have you been?

      Delete
    4. Congratulations cccc... More blessings.

      Father lord use this grace to provide me my own oh...

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    5. lol @sunshine šŸ˜šŸ˜€ but it's true.She was even used a handle before habibi,I've tried to remember that one but can'tšŸ¤”

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    6. ehnn, yellow sisi... aka habibi aka ng, aka blink... wehdonema! u did well. congrats to CCCC. and kisses to the lil one. jah bless!

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    7. Thanks TTB lovers.

      Kene bet why? @sunshine hey girl! is it okay to say I am not fine? I had to deal with matters of the heart for a while now. What happens when one person you truely love let's you down? I have never been this hurt neither have I loved this deeply. what do you do when you are taken for granted? I have been broken over and over again, because I choose to love? Does love hurt? can you put whomever you love through hurt? Does one ignore who loves them even when they know in their heart the significant other would be in pain? can you continually be loyal to someone who doesnt want you to be loyal to them? I still love him, I pray for him daily and hope he prospers even more. I have to be strong for myself and allow myself be treated right. I can't even pretend afterall I am faceless, I am gobsmacked that I can't even tell any of my family nor friend. The more reason was am in pain is because I bottled it all up. so I can bare it all on TTB. well maybe not today.

      anon 2:34 FBI...lol "Jah bless" you too.

      Blink is my blog name, angry anon was for BBB, Habibi is a name I coined for the love of my life before yellow sisi.

      Sorry for my rants, sorry I can't proof read. we all handle issh differently

      Delete
  3. Woman, talk to the guy about your concerns and let's know his response. Only then can I review further.

    The guy is a divorcee and may be sharing the details with his sister to avoid future trouble. Sure he is paranoid as hell and looking for help to avoid mistakes of the past.

    Do you love the guy though, or just considering him because he is the available option? Didn't see this part in your write up.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why did you let him know the man was married? I don't feel good about this relationship sha. Its a bomb waiting to explode. #Myopinion#

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  5. Of course he will use it against you and you will just be moving in with your karma as a husband.


    To digress a bit, I wonder why you have not broken up with the married man who is using you to satisfy his sexual desires,and blocking other chances of you meeting your own man. You sound like a loyal person and that is why you confessed to someone you just met that you were dating a married man. My advice, next time you meet a new person, don't confess everything from start, wait till you are sure you both are committed to the relationship.

    Start on a new slate or take the risk, but I don't see the Mr marrying you, because every step you take will be suspecting and causing problems for both of you.

    To the main issue, I already answered you above, and for the polygamous side, it depends on what you are comfortable with, what works for A, might not work for B.

    Sorry if I am sounding judgemental, but I just can't stand it when I see a lady knowingly dating a married man,and acting scared that her own husband will cheat and rub it in, 'before' it pisses the shit out of me... Good luck

    Lauretta A.

    ReplyDelete
  6. How can you classify what you have with the married man a relationship when you know you wouldn't be a second wife or that he wouldn't leave his wife for you?

    I think you should move on from both men, your concerns about your future with him is very valid. He may cheat on you and consider it your karma.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hmmm, men are judgemental about these things and that's the truth. Most men want to believe that their wives are saint because that's the mother of their children. It is rare that a man will want to marry a lady knowing that she dates or dated married men. You shouldn't have told him but the deed is done. Just pray about it and share your concerns with him. Good luck.

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  8. first things first, go break up with your married boyfriend then write Thelma again.

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  9. Im even confused.

    The nigga doesnt feel right. Whats with spilling all the details to your sister like a torn pant. He needs to man up. For this, I dont think I can trust him to act maturely when yall get married

    Advice: Its not compulsory for you to marry the person you love. If the person you love is an immature man-boy, then dont marry em.

    + You were open with him and still he hasnt told you all the details about his divorce. What is he hiding? He needs to be open too.

    Peace.

    ReplyDelete
  10. 1. Whether he chooses to marry you or not, you need to break up with the married man. This gives you the capacity to either settle down with this man, or find another that is truly yours. So this is a no brainer.

    2. I assume you wil take the advice and break up with the married man, in which case there is no harm seeing this through with the 40yr old guy. If it works and you both get married, thank God. If not, you move on and wait for your own.

    3. If however you marry and it does not work out for any reason, you have the option to divorce. Not ideal, but truth be told, this option and fear exists for every single marriage anyways. It is always up to the two people to never exercise this option.

    Cheers.

    ReplyDelete
  11. HELELE!!!!

    OYORIMA!!!

    And here I was tinking I had family issues

    U nid Jesus dats all he wud hlp u discern wat is and wat is not

    ReplyDelete
  12. Depends on the man. He may or may not use it against you. 2. A man who waits on his sister to approve his decision is a no no, the day you offend his sisters and they advise him to divorce you or beat you up . That where problem will start from , you never mentioned that you loved him, do you love him? Does he love you?
    Marriage is no joke, make sure you marry for the right reasons.
    My advice is ... Break it off with the married man, don't be desperate for marriage, give it time with this new guy, observe him , test him and see if he will run to his sisters for guidance and find out the reason for his divorce it's very important. All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  13. every relationship has potential risks. you need to weigh them all up and choose:
    1) which factors you can manage
    2) which factors you can work on him to change (e.g. banning him from texting his sister when he sneezes), and
    3) which factors you cannot condone

    perform this risk analysis with paper and biro if it would be easier for you.

    also pray.

    you should be well positioned afterwards to make your decision.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Firstly break up with the married man, why do girls date married men though? like one day you will get married and someone will date your husband how would you feel?
    Second i have an issue with him trying to get confirmation from his sister, so what happens when the sister ask him to break up with you?
    Third do your research well and find out what broke his first marriage before going on with him
    Fourth he might not be the one for you, keep praying and trusting God, he will give you your man with no hassles.

    ReplyDelete
  15. 1. Stop that affair right now. Married man is all shades of wrong
    2. He will definitely still rub that secret of yours on your face, if he did not, his sister will.
    3. Any man who tells his family (mother or sister) about his home, is a disaster about to happen, and it will happen sha ni. You won't enjoy that marriage because you will need that sister in law's opinion in everything you want to do.
    4. You've told him all about you, and he hasn't tell you all about his divorce? Then there is a big fire on the mountain.
    CONCLUSION: You have not met your man. Let the married and the divorce be. Take your time, love your self, free your mind, have fun and surely you will be located.

    ReplyDelete
  16. First off, I don't like this guy.

    I can't tell you whether or not to stay with him, I also can't tell you for certain that he would use this information against you in the future(but the likelihood is high). What I can tell you however is;

    1. Break up with Mr. Married man
    2. I don't like the fact that Oga 40 years old runs everything by his younger sister... why? It just sounds wrong!
    3. Polygamous homes differ from one to another. Both my parents are from polygamous homes but the difference is so clear, in one family, the children barely speak, same for the mums but in the other family, they're always in each other's business, looking out for each other and stuff. So you need to study the family, are they "preys"? If yes, you might want to run.

    All the best with your decision.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Please follow Mr Wale's comments... I don't understand what other comments are saying jorr.

    Telling the truth eases you of any burden entering into a serious relationship. Be good and don't settle for less. Remember, if you see something, say something. No hidden figures.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. some truth are better off left unsaid. my watchword is @ignorance is bliss@ i learnt the hard way so i know! i have a problem with mr divorcee always hanging up on you. i think dude is got anger ish

      Delete

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