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Deji: My Struggle With Low Self Esteem.




I once saw a quote that read "the happiest people are the loneliest."


The first time I saw it, I *yimu'd* at it thinking people always have to find something negative to say about any good thing.


I battled low self-esteem as a child for many years. I always felt my parents didn't like me and maybe I was adopted. I always felt the need to study hard and pass my exams so maybe that would earn me small love/respect/bragging rights. But it did little to make me feel better about myself.


As I grew older, the only way I knew how to fight it (low self esteem) was to not care about what people think/say about me.


Unfortunately, I got so used to it, it became (still is) apparent in everything I did. The way I walked, talked, and dressed especially. I just didn't care. No one would notice anyway. It's not like it would make me more beautiful or appealing to people so why bother? 


Another thing that kept me sane was having a goal/plan and working hard enough to accomplish it.

It sort of helped replace the self-derogatory talks in my head at the time with something to look forward to. That helped and I became happy and content. It worked amazingly.


Quite frankly, it's been a while I fell into that horrible hole and even though there's been times when I almost fell, I just pray and say positive to myself. 


I thought I was over it until today....


It started like a joke, someone made a comment and I laughed about it... And then someone else made another comment which almost hurt but I smiled through it... And then someone wanted to use my picture for something and I looked through over 6000 pictures on my phone before I could find 6 that I even liked or would work for what he wanted to use it for.


At that point, all those comments came rushing back, even some I didn't even pay attention to at the time. 


I started sobbing uncontrollably. I was shocked. I was so upset with myself that I was crying but I couldn't stop. I couldn't help myself. 


I might cancel a trip with my 3 best friends in the world because one of them likes me and I feel like if we all go, and he sees my other friend in person, he'll feel like he made a mistake because they are quite close too. 


So I feel they should go without me so whatever happens in vegas stays in vegas. Can you imagine? Even I know something is wrong with my line of thought but I just can't help it. Insecurity of the hardest order! 


Which begs the question am I really a happy child? Or is it just a coping mechanism. Am I hiding under a smiley mask meanwhile I'm struggling with stuff underneath? Have you ever had to deal wit low self esteem and insecurities? How did you make it go away?





PS: It took a lot of guts to write this and even bigger guts to send it in.


but i feel better... share your thoughts with me.




.

Comments

  1. Awww,you wld be fine.

    I know that feeling. Growing up,i was real skinny. Was called many names which I actually laughed at (cos honestly, it was better to laugh than cry publicly). Puberty came with pimples but didn't come with boobs and ass and hips and etc so yh,zero self esteem then. But today,look at God...lol

    My point is,you just have to love urself. Don't let anyone feel pity for you and quit the self pity too.

    All those motivational quotes shld help change ur thoughts about urself ok. Feed off them. Watch comedy programs (I recommend How I Met Your Mother - Hilarious). Have a daily mantra to live by ok and trust me,making random people smile or happy or laugh is very therapeutic. You should try it too..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is that why you have 'bone' attached to your ID? I'm sorry, I'm just curious, not being sarcastic.

      Delete
    2. Anon same thing I used to think until she cleared the air,it's actually not gotten from her stature.Maybel

      Delete
    3. It's fine. Sarcasm is good. Humor too. Being curious is a good thing too...lol

      Delete
  2. Love yourself, and every other thing will follow. If you love yourself even you cannot say or believe a bad thing about yourself.As the cliche goes, if you don't love yourself who will.J

    ReplyDelete
  3. If you can afford it, see a therapist. Chiadu Ndu comes to mind. She has a practice in Lekki phase 1.

    If you can't afford therapy, read Paulo Coelho's books. Start with The Alchemist. Read up on low self esteem and how to overcome it. Most importantly, start loving yourself. Do something different each day. I am not asking you to dye your hair blond. I am asking you to start to care for yourself.

    You mentioned you don't care about your appearance? Well, start by cutting your nails, shape them and trim your hangnails. Scrub your feet. Care for your hair, skin and teeth. It may sound inconsequential, but little things make the greatest impact. Because you start to care for your body; which you had hitherto seen as ugly. That care, will morph into love and respect for self.

    If you can't do these for yourself, then no one can give it to you. Take a small step each day. And one day, you'll climb a mountain.

    Mallama

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I second Mallama's comment.

      You'll be fine dearie, loads of hugs and kisses for you...

      Delete
  4. I dont get it. Snap out of it. Life is short. Aint nobody gat time to be having low self esteem.

    Peace

    ReplyDelete
  5. You really need to do what you wholeheartedly desire! Erase the I don't care attitude completely especially when it's about you.
    Please always have it in mind that a lot of shit is going to happen...it's okay to feel bad about it, cry and whatnot but be quick to snap out of it.
    You just need a complete makeover; PHYSICALLY,socially, emotionally and MENTALLY(Yeah, I know you see that)

    Always go with what you "desire"...
    ... and that bobo won't know what hit him.
    BR

    ReplyDelete
  6. when i start to feel like this, i pray my way through, cliche i know but it works. i remind myself of all the times God has loved me and console myself with the fact that If God loves me, then nothing can move me.
    and then i go to the salon and either change my hairstyle of get a manicure done, dont be sad even the most confident people feel this way all the time
    make sure you go and on holiday please

    ReplyDelete

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