I once saw a quote that read "the happiest people are the loneliest."
The first time I saw it, I *yimu'd* at it thinking people always have to find something negative to say about any good thing.
I battled low self-esteem as a child for many years. I always felt my parents didn't like me and maybe I was adopted. I always felt the need to study hard and pass my exams so maybe that would earn me small love/respect/bragging rights. But it did little to make me feel better about myself.
As I grew older, the only way I knew how to fight it (low self esteem) was to not care about what people think/say about me.
Unfortunately, I got so used to it, it became (still is) apparent in everything I did. The way I walked, talked, and dressed especially. I just didn't care. No one would notice anyway. It's not like it would make me more beautiful or appealing to people so why bother?
Another thing that kept me sane was having a goal/plan and working hard enough to accomplish it.
It sort of helped replace the self-derogatory talks in my head at the time with something to look forward to. That helped and I became happy and content. It worked amazingly.
Quite frankly, it's been a while I fell into that horrible hole and even though there's been times when I almost fell, I just pray and say positive to myself.
I thought I was over it until today....
It started like a joke, someone made a comment and I laughed about it... And then someone else made another comment which almost hurt but I smiled through it... And then someone wanted to use my picture for something and I looked through over 6000 pictures on my phone before I could find 6 that I even liked or would work for what he wanted to use it for.
At that point, all those comments came rushing back, even some I didn't even pay attention to at the time.
I started sobbing uncontrollably. I was shocked. I was so upset with myself that I was crying but I couldn't stop. I couldn't help myself.
I might cancel a trip with my 3 best friends in the world because one of them likes me and I feel like if we all go, and he sees my other friend in person, he'll feel like he made a mistake because they are quite close too.
So I feel they should go without me so whatever happens in vegas stays in vegas. Can you imagine? Even I know something is wrong with my line of thought but I just can't help it. Insecurity of the hardest order!
Which begs the question am I really a happy child? Or is it just a coping mechanism. Am I hiding under a smiley mask meanwhile I'm struggling with stuff underneath? Have you ever had to deal wit low self esteem and insecurities? How did you make it go away?
PS: It took a lot of guts to write this and even bigger guts to send it in.
but i feel better... share your thoughts with me.