I drove passed Diamond Bank somewhere along the airport axis today and I reached for my phone, wanting to call her. My heart sank realizing that I couldn't.
I sunk into the seat seething, I miss her deeply, I desperately want to talk to her. She's just a phone call away but I can't.
Maybe it does make sense in the way Stockholm syndrome makes sense...
But like Stockholm, it's simply absurd.
Maybe it makes sense in the way a lover cheats or beats you or abuses you, yet you still love them.
She was my closest friend. I'd heard terrible things that she did in the past. In fact, before I met her I'd heard her "friends" describe her as wicked, one said her heart is at her back, another said she's simply evil.
I saw that evil with my eyes when we became friends, but it was always towards someone else, and so even though my eyes would fly wide open in shock at some of the things I saw her do, I always thought that I, Nwando, was immune. I knew she was bad but I thought she'd be good to me. (Lesson #1: you're not the exception).
Well that was until months into my relationship I learnt that she was calling my man.
How she got his number; I once ran out of credit and used her phone to call him. She called him later that night claiming not to know who he was and how the number got on her phone, and that's how they got talking. (Lesson #2: don't tell your friends the bad things about your partner, but be careful not to tell them too much about the good things. You'd give them ideas...)
She was my closest friend but she was travelling to go see him. No, he's not blameless either. She would get him to give her cash, buy her flight tickets to go see other guys and come to visit him in town whenever she pleased.
All this time she was talking with me.
I also learnt that she kept urging him to break up with me. Her supposed reason was that I love him too much and I'm too attached to him, so he should break up with me before I fall any deeper.
But that's alright.
That didn't hurt as much as it did when I learnt that she was an anonymous who would come on the blog and say very mean and nasty things to and about me. Ironically, she's the one I would call to show the comments and she would comfort me and tell me to pay him/her no mind.
I remember clearly a few times we were actually in the same house together and those comments would pop up and I'd show her and she would become so irate and impassioned, she'd tell me that if she ever found the person making those comments, she would kill them with her bare hands.
She did so many things I lack the will or zeal to write about, lied about me to many people, assassinated my character, and tried to sabotage the one man who loved me.
Oh recently, I learnt she was also sleeping with my ex when we were still together, that's a previous relationship. I would invite her to stay with me in his house because they were friends too. There were nights I'd go to bed and leave them talking, I just believed that she would never be bad to me. Oh well, turns out she thought it was alright to screw the man she was telling me would marry me. (Lesson #3. Trust no one, never let your guard down).
So you see why I say it makes no sense that not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I think about her not with bile nor bitterness, but with longing and love.
I miss her to the point of tears sometimes. She was evil but she was lovable. It sucks but it is what it is.
She was fun, spontaneous, lively, cunning (read intelligent), exciting and unpredictable. She was patient and caring. And somehow in a very sick and twisted way, I think she loved me.
It takes the strength of will for me not to call her, everyday. I literally have to remind myself each time of just a few of the things she's done to me and how I felt when I found out, to stop myself from calling.
My people na only me waka come? Have you ever had a relative, friend or lover who treated you so bad, over and over and over again, yet you can't bring yourself to hate them, yet you still can't really let go, yet you still want them...?
Or could you never ever see yourself doing that?
Either way, I'd love to talk about it.