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Tuesday, 14 March 2017

She Must Have Done Something To Deserve This.




"In this day my darling husband saw his wife and mother of his child bleeding on the floor but was still hugging and puffing. Swearing on his mothers life that that was going to be my last day on earth. Swearing that he would "enter Instablog" as the next man who killed his wife. I can't help but imagine 2 conductors on the streetfighting, 2 strangers. When one starts to bleed the other would think "ha make I calm down oh" talkleas of beating your defenseless wife who did Nothing to you (or please ask him, what I did, I would love to be able to make sense of this, love to know my offense). He showed no mercy,still said to me that I was going to drown in my blood. He locked all doors, even balconies invade I wanted to jump out! The man I loved striped to his underwear in front of my friend and the abuse went on for hours, he had 2 of his own friends in the house and even they weren't enough to stop him, he was exchanging blows with them, just to get to me. It was as though he had 5 men inside him,determined to kill me. I excaped only by the grace of God. My friend and I were running on the street with blood on me like this and people wondering what happened to us. And this was just one day. I can write a book on the living hell I lived. 


***

I was just about to share a story on domestic violence when I saw this one at the top of my instagram feed. DV has become the order of the day, makes no sense right? One would have thought that since it's now largely talked about on social media, the perpetrators would have a rethink. Instead, the perps seem to be getting bolder and even more cruel. In the post I'd wanted to share, the lady is dead. As in, deceased. One day hubby smashed her head on the wall for trying to defend herself from his blows, and that was it. Dead. 

But you see, social media has truly revealed that a lot of men are evil. I find that most men actually think DV is okay. I read comments that men, men with names and faces and families, make and I'm shocked. I've noticed that in cases of domestic violence, no matter how brutal, they rarely ever condemn the act. Most times, like in the post above with a bleeding, bruised and beaten woman, they say the lady must have done something to push her husband to that point. Other times they say women should stop painting men black on social media and deal with their shit at home. A large majority of them stay quiet, which looks to me like acceptance. 

I was shocked the day I put up something on DV on Instagram and someone, a husband and father, whom I've always known and admired commented saying women should stop blowing this DV thing out of proportion, that besides, these abused women should come clean and confess what they do to make their husbands beat them to that point. 

At this point all I can say is, mothers we need to do better. We need to raise better men than our mothers and grandmothers did. There is something seriously fundamentally wrong with many Nigerian men and I think upbringing plays a huge part in this. 

Is there really anything a wife could do to her husband to deserve the picture above? If his friend, colleague or boss had provoked him, do you think he would have dared do this to them? Then why is it when it comes to their wives that some WEAK men have power? 










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12 comments:

  1. The recent one happened on Friday night. My phone was seized and I was sent into the street at 12midnight. I wanted to reach out to you but this held me back " I still feel awkward being made privy to the intimate details and dirty laundry in people's marriages,"

    My mother in law blamed me, saying I know about his temper. I asked her if he would beat his bosses based on that.

    You don't want to see my pictures. You won't believe it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry 😔 but please why are you still with him?

      Delete
    2. Jesus! I was referring particularly to celebrities whose marriages I would never have known about had they not put it out there on social media. Remember in the same post I also said " I'm glad Tonto finally found the strength to leave while she's still alive. I'm happy she's speaking up about what happened. We need to name and shame these men that think it's okay to dehumanize the women they married". This means that it's okay to ask for help. Please it's not too late to reach out to me, for whatever its worth. If you simply want to talk, that's fine. If you need help, I'm sure we can do something about it. Please be safe.

      Delete
    3. Do you need help? What kind of help do you need? Don't get yourself killed holding on to a dead marriage.

      Delete
    4. Please don't wait till you die. There is no trophy attached to being a Mrs. I beg you , even if you don't want to be divorced. pls be separated for a whIle, perhaps a short while.

      I don't know how people live through this excessive beating. My husband slapped me once , just once and I still can't get it out of my system.

      I know what I made him pass through before I could even accept his apology .
      No I didn't do anything wrong , I simply expressed my opinion on a bad habit he had, I wasn't rude , just pissed.

      I forgave but I can't forget, and he knows the next time he ever tries that again, not only will I leave , he will get wooped by people I pay.
      Sadly , even though he calls it a mistake he will forever regret, I now live my life prepared for anything.
      anything means, I am financially able to walk out if ever a hand is raised.

      I love the man o, he is a good guy , a great father but love Is not enough.

      Please don't die in a marriage that offers you only misery .
      If money is the issue , start planning asap .
      Children don't thrive in such homes . Don't damage your kids please.

      one love and God bless.

      Delete
    5. Please speak out, talk to someone. Take your kids and go stay somewhere else for a while. A man who can push you into the streets at 12 midnight without a lifeline to get help from anybody will kill you one day (voluntarily or involuntarily). Please, I beg you in God's name, talk to someone about it and leave..

      Delete
  2. Nobody deserves to be violated.
    I've questioned, wondered, probed and have come to the conclusion that maybe I'm too young to make out why it's too hard for the physically abused to desert the perpetrator. I may never understand the measure of love or nature of reason that makes them remain in the marriage/rship or not even prosecute after leaving.

    ReplyDelete
  3. please be safe

    please get help

    please leave him while you can still get out alive(there i said it)

    FavouriteShades

    ReplyDelete
  4. We women need to train the next generation of men to be better and also hold our sons, brothers,uncles accountable for their actions. A lot of guys feel women are here to serve them and we are not helping matters by indulging them.We must train our daughters also to value themselves and look at guys as equals not messiah. All these stories break my heart.Only a coward will beat a woman, I don't even think it's about self control cos this guy will not fight an Agbero in Oshodi cos he knows he will get the beating of his life. J

    ReplyDelete
  5. i tell people that mental and emotional abuse comes first before the violence. That's why the abused finds it difficult to move on or get out. May we not be victims cos we can only analyse from our vantage point. However, when the first person strikes, I believe necessary retaliation is in place then you iron out issues afterwards if it can be resolved. Don't take the slap and walk away, respond with a slap or a well calculated brushing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Domestic violence is something I don't wish on anyone to experience or witness. I have witnessed it's ugliness and boy I can tell you it's one of the most heartbreaking things you will ever see.
    There's a clarion call nationwide for all the men to be better husband's/partners/lovers.
    Women it's high time we stopped hiding behind the facade of what the society may paint you to be. there's no shame in this, step out and let your voice be heard.It's better to be a survivor than to be the next figure increasing the death rate. Do it for you, for your kids and God. He created you for a greater purpose.
    I'm ashamed to call the perpetrators of DV Men, they do not deserve the freedom they get.
    That being said, our lawmakers should start pushing for appropriate sanctions for perpetrators of DV.

    ReplyDelete
  7. No guy has ever raised a hand on me. My ex once said in a joking manner that he'd beat me up to correct me. I asked him who beats him up to correct him when his wrong. I told him if he dares, not only would the relationship end but I'll file a report against him with the police. He told me the police will not take me seriously because it is deemed a family matter. I then told that the day he slaps me, he'll find out for sure because I know people and he won't go free. That ended the matter.

    ReplyDelete

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