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Wednesday, 15 March 2017

That Time I Called Off My Wedding





When Changing Your Mind is Not a bad Thing: That Time I Called Off My Wedding (diary of a Naija girl). 

There is nothing worse than staring at your wedding date on a calendar and having that deep sense of doom in your heart. For me, it was a sinking feeling, a feeling of resignation, I kept telling myself, “just go ahead with it, everything will be okay”. There was a time I wrote an article about being over 30, desperate and worried, I also said I have been there. This is my story
I met my ex fiancĂ©e 8 months before he proposed. I was getting close to 30, I had set a date for myself, come rain or high water, I would be married by age 30. So when this guy came along, I told myself, this is it! I must make this work. He was not my ideal guy, but experience had taught me then, “who ideal guy help?”

So I went ahead and dated him. I was ashamed to take him to parties because his grammar was deeply flawed, I would correct him nicely when we’re alone together but cringe inwards when we’re 
out with company because it would be rude to say anything. He also had insecurity issues, he felt I was too much for him and would break up with him soon to be with another man who is/was worthy, so he began to lie about his net worth. If he was worth a hundred, he would lie to me he was worth 10 million. I noticed these things, but patched them up because I had to get married at 30
On my part, I couldn’t bring myself to respect him. I was more ambitious, and he had all these plans but never really did anything about them. if I did really love him, I was supposed to be patient and help him achieve his dreams, which I tried to do but i would have done better if I respected him, trusted him and was genuinely in love with him.

On my 30th birthday, I had a birthday dinner and when he was his turn to speak, I was shaking inwards, I knew he was going to propose and instead of excitement, I was scared. I sunk in my already flat tummy, wiped my sweaty palms on my green dress and prepared myself. When he began his speech, my eyes were already teary, I braced myself. Someone had told me, “love grows, if he loves you so much, you’ll eventually start loving him back”. I held on to that, and accepted the ring.

Eventually, I made up my mind that this was my cross to bear, this guy loved me too much and he would never leave me, so whatever happens, I would make things work. The lies continued and the assurance that I would never leave him, he asked me to promise him this at least two times a week, I indulged him. This continued even after our family introduction, on that day, I cried again. My closest friends were with me and I still didn’t feel safe, my dad got all the brunt as I lashed out at him and wished my mum was around. I was throwing tantrums, because I couldn’t bear to look inwards and tell myself to stop the process.

We began the wedding preparations: We paid for the hall, got a wedding planner, paid in full for a popular comedian as the MC, I had bought tickets to travel for wedding shopping and dress picking appointments with three wedding dress makers including Vera Wang. My friends had also paid a substantial sum for Aso-Ebi. Asides from the money spent, a lot of people had invested themselves in this process. It was during this process, two months to the wedding, I caught him in another HUGE lie. 
Initially I never thought of calling off the wedding, I told myself to look away, this too will pass. But when I could not sleep that night and began to pray, it dawned on me that this would be my life. Sleepless nights, unhappiness, lack of trust, crying and praying to calm the storm I created, the possibilities of cheating on my part and the expectation of cheating on his part. I thought about people and money that had been invested, I almost changed my mind but God strengthened my resolve.

 I told him it was over. He tried to beg me to reconsider but even he couldn’t put much effort into it. My family, his family and our friends tried to convince me to change my mind, but when I began to refund people’s Aso-Ebi money, they finally accepted there was not going to be a wedding that year. I felt complete relief, like a heavy load had suddenly being lifted off me. Were there moments of remorse and regret? Yes. But they passed quickly, because I had never been more sure of a decision.

And if you are reading this and have already called off your wedding, you need to know that everything will be okay. It probably does not feel like it today, and it may not even feel like it tomorrow, or a week from now, or six months from now. You will hurt. You will feel painfully lonely. You might feel humiliated. But, everything will eventually be okay, I know this for a fact!



***
When proposals have been made and accepted and then the thought of spending your life with that person makes your mouth dry and your heart sink, then you're about to make the greatest mistake if you go ahead with it. Still, how easy is it to cancel a wedding when plans are already underway, especially when, like in the post above, vendors have been paid, asoebi has been sold, invites have been sent out, a wedding planner has been contracted, the venue has been paid for etc etc etc? I know a few people who went ahead with marriages that frightened them because "it's just too late to turn back now, everything is already ready!". 
What factors do you imagine could make you call off the wedding to someone you'd already said yes to? 

4 comments:

  1. I never really have thought about it, i guess i might just stick on and go ahead cos i cant just imagine cancelling a wedding, the disgrace and all.

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  2. A big thumbs to the lady for calling it off. I pray I don't find myself in such a situation as I am not sure I will be able to.


    **Quirkymoi**

    ReplyDelete
  3. If you know someone is wrong for you then don't drag out the process because of your own selfish goals and put people through so much turmoil and do a backflip towards the end. You decided you must marry by 30 come hell or high water, the same you still saw the high water and decided to call it off, after he repeatedly asked and you lied continuously knowing you didn't love him. Everything was done on your terms, he should thank God cause he dodged a bullet. Like what the hell!? It could have been done sooner, I don't feel sympathetic towards this story, you saw the signs from the BEGINNING! JEEZE!!!
    A girl.

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  4. This is a lot of courage to call of a wedding with all the preparation that has been put in place. I was in this shoe once in my life, her story is just me asides from the wedding anyway. thank God for Grace that helped me pull away.
    www.stylelately.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete

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