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Dear Thelma (My Man Is Depriving Me Of Sex. Is It Okay If I Cheat?)

Hello Thelma please post but keep me anonymous. I am 28 years old, my partner is 43, divorced and a father of 3. I am also a single Mum with a 5 year old. We have been dating for 8 months now and I can say he is the best thing that has happened to my life. He is not so eager to get married again and neither am I ready for marriage either so this relationship suits me. I know that is sounds strange that almost 30 and I don't want to marry but it's because I don't feel ready to settle down yet, also I am not at all ready for marriage. My career goals come first for now, i have worked too hard to let anything slow me down right now, besides am very okay with my daughter. I am writing because I'm hoping I can get advice, 8 months of dating and no sex with my man. Truly I don't understand it. He says sex is a very big commitment and also a spiritual act. He says he loves me and he shows it in every way, but he has refused to have sex with me. It is not about me because even his friends tease him that he has no amu (dick in igbo). That's because even when he had side chics as a married man he never slept with them either. I heard his exs also left for the same reason, that is, no sex. I am getting very frustrated. I have done everything short of raping him but he doesn't budge. I like to commit to one man but I am not a virgin or celibate, I enjoy sex and I also think that it creates a bond between 2 people. Ironically this is also part of the problem, he says that sex creates a bond and talks a lot about soul ties. He is also always talkin about how you can sleep with some girls and after that your business will just pack up. I am confused, I love this man so much, he has helped in boosting my business, takes me on trips around the world, even paid my daughter's last school fees and plays a fatherly role in her life. My daughter also loves him and is begging me to marry him lol. I know that neither of us want marriage right now bt we both want a committed long term relationship. I don't want to lose him because men like this don't come along often, but I need sex. I don't want to be celibate. Sometimes I wonder if he is gay and I've even challenged him but he just laughs it off. He keeps saying sex is no joke and he does not take it lightly. Please what does this mean? If I cheat on him by having sex with another will I be justified? I cannot break up with him so don't advise me to, he is the best thing in my life after my daughter. He is a very good and decent, is also has wonderful leadership qualities and these are some things I admire in him. But I need a man to grab me and ravage me like a wild animal lol, no insults please I am just being honest about my feelings. I was single for a few months before I met him so it is almost one year since I last had sex. I have tried to help myself out but nothing is working. If your partner is depriving you of sex won't you go and get it outside? Please be honest with me.



  1. I guess I'll just read the comments on this one, e pass me!

  2. If you guys are not ready for marriage,he takes VERY good care of you and all that,I suggest you get a sex toy.Cheating on him might break his heart if he finds out but catching you with a sextoy is still explainable and you can even tell him he is the reason you got a sex toy...TNHW

    1. ermmm@TNHW

      ''I have tried to help myself out but nothing is working'', it sounds like she has already tried sex toys and its not werking.....


  3. The fear of Incubus and Spartacus is the beginning of financial

    Well,you wld have to ask him if he wld be fine with you stepping out on him once in a while since he's really not cooperating in that department. If he says yes,then just know ur dating a psycho. If he says no,then ur dating a selfish

    1. big lol @ 'Well,you wld have to ask him if he wld be fine with you stepping out on him once in a while since he's really not cooperating in that department. If he says yes,then just know ur dating a psycho. If he says no,then ur dating a selfish' Chrisyinks

    2. So In other words Sasha....๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚


      Very few men are this disciplined. A good number of men will at some point have broken their rules which brings me to a different level of thought.

      Its not about you. He has very serious reasons why he is sticking to his code beyond his view of sex.

      You just have to go with the flow or find a ravenous alternative.

    4. Lol, baba psycho...poster, I also think you shouldn't go into marriage with his man without knowing what his reasons are for abstaining from sex, just so you're sure it's not a trap.

  4. First, let me lol @ 'I don't want to be celibate.'

    Now, unto serious matters, well, if you reason that sex creates a 'bond' between partners, a good question to ask would be why it didn't work out between you and your child's father? Perhaps, it isn't as strong as you allude it to be. It's okay to let our feelings consume us....but only for a while, let's also be rational about your dilemma.

    I think you should have a honest talk with your partner to determine whether his abstinence from sex is a personal decision/value or stems from health concerns, sexual orientation etc.

    The way I see it, marriage is the only solution to this dilemma because then it becomes your conjugal right. However, this may be a big risk for you, and you'd have to trust that his celibacy doesn't stem from an unfair concern about your sexual needs. Btw, the best and effective way to guarantee a committed long term relationship is through marriage....don't be scared of it.

    If sex matters this much to you and he isn't bulging, you may need to find yourself another relationship. To cheat on him is not justified, it's more honorable for you to look for another relationship that meets your emotional and sexual desires. Trust me, the fleeting satisfaction of satisfying your sexual desires while cheating on your partner isn't worth the consequences. Chrisyinks

    PS: I find it hard to reconcile why a man would have side chics and not have sex with them. What's the essence of having them then? I sincerely hope he is being honest with why he is avoiding sex with you.

  5. i tend to waka-pass on posts like this.However 2017 is drawing to a close & i am all about changing my 'iwa',lols, so here goes:

    Sex is obviously very important to you so asking you to abstain is a moot point. So have a frank talk with him, let him explain what sex been a spiritual act(i agree, sex is more spiritual than physical)and a very big commitment means for your relationship. What specific commitment(s) does he need from you to have sex with you? does he have a timeline? Answers to these questions and many more that will crop up in the course of your discussion should help you make a decision you can live with.


  6. It's not okay to cheat on him, talk to him about the issue on ground before making a decision.

  7. Okay. A few questions:
    1) Does he get a hard-on when you try to seduce him? Basically Im trying to find out if he has erectile problems.
    2) When you are in public places does he check out other girls. Every guy will check out a sexy girl when she walks by. Does he do that? Basically Im trying to find out if he gets attracted to girls.
    3) Do yall kiss and smooch?
    4) When you are kissing and smooching how far does it go? At what point does it stop? You can tell when a guy is holding himself back, you can also tell when a guy is not interested. Which is it?
    5) Does he have some gay like behavior? You gotta start facing reality.
    6) Apart from the story of sex joining souls. How is his Christian life? Is he really spiritual? Because if he loves you then whats the problem with joining to your soul.

    The answers to these questions will guide my advice or next set of questions. See me for more information.


    1. I would have asked questions 1-4 also.

    2. "...then whats the problem with joining to your soul. "... LOL

    3. I just knew KON would solve this problem. As a girl of 10yrs let me sit down and be listening to my elders.

  8. I will talking without my church mind.
    Is it penetration that he avoids or anything sexual relation. You can try other sexual stuff and you can still feel ravished.
    Cheating has the potential of robbing you of the 'best thing that has happened to you', you can as well seek his opinion on having sex with someone else.

    Lastly, you can try to be a little more patient and join team celibate.

  9. I go with Kon's comment. J

  10. I can relate with this..since leaving him is not an option for you, below are your choices.

    1. Let him be and get toys; look at them anew, one of them will score!
    2. Let him be, take a shower every time the urge comes (it works for guys).

    Don't try to cheat, he will find out (don't ask me how) and you will lose him.

  11. I've read this Post 4 times and to be honest, it's really complicated. First, your man is going all sentimental about sex with the "spirituality" and all; please there's no such thing as "SOUL TIES", and the proponents of this fallacy have failed woefully trying to make sense of it. If he doesn't want to marry you and just wants to be in a sexless relationship that's understandable, but all these "sex is bond...commitment...spirituality...soul ties" in this 8-month-process is just bull crap.

    Secondly, I don't know why you must eat your cake and have it. You don't want to breakup this relationship for any reason, yet you're gearing up for unfaithfulness because you're not having sex? That's cold. Don't look for validation, that option you're considering is wrong whether he's celibate or not. It's either you leave him or stay and be celibate too. I said earlier this is complicated. I've never heard of men who are celibate for this long in a relationship and still aren't looking for any form of commitment in the relationship or in marriage. This is awkward and you have to be VERY CAREFUL.

    Be safe...

    1. I think the guys have given very good advice here. It will be foolish and unloving of you to cheat on him. Have a talk with him, try to understand the reasons in very basics terms why he doesn't want to have sex with you, secondly let him know that sex is important to you and that once in a while your stray thoughts move to other men. Lastly, if nothing works you might have to leave him. I wish you all the best.

    2. Really Memphis pls kindly explain why you believe there's no such thing as soul ties.

  12. What steps have you taken to seduce him so we can suggest the ones you have not tried? :)

    1. Gba si be! It's fingers in the air you!

  13. Thelma!!!! I love the new blog design!
    Re: this article. I go with Kon's suggestions.


  14. Thelma!!!! I love the new web design! !!!

    Re: this post. I go with Kon's suggestions.


    1. As in! The design an colours colours too sweet! I feel like lying down here.

  15. So after reading through, I was going to say what Chrisyinks said, then I saw Kon's questions, Oga Wale and Memphis' points too. Finally I came to a conclusion that TTBR are really good people.

    Dear Poster... these men have spoken wisdom and I'd advise you get it as a principle thing. The only thing I feel necessary to emphasize again, is the answer to your question on cheating being justified. NO! There is no honest to God way you can ever be justified for cheating on that man. One more advise, if your communication channel is that good, you might want to tell him of this temptation you're considering.

  16. All my ogas in this department have answered. Whatever you do, don't cheat on him


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