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Dear Thelma (My Fiancé Has 2 Baby-Mamas. To Marry or Not To Marry Him?)





I am so confused right now, I'm supposed to be married in November but I'm seriously beginning to have doubts. Let me first lay a foundation. I met Tolu last October, he asked me out until I finally accepted in January. He had told me from day 1 that what he wants is not a relationship but marriage, he had been married before but they had no children. Shortly after the marriage he started dating a lady who got pregnant for him. He wanted to marry her but due to certain issues from her family, they both decided not to marry, but to co-parent. One of the things that attrcated me to him is how active he is in his son's life. The boy is barely 2 years right now. I liked Tolu because of how focus and ambitious he is, and also because unlike many men, he really wanted to settle down and he was serious. In February he already came to meet my parents and became close to them, as per doing some son in law duties.  He always treats me well, supports my business and shows me a lot of love. There was no formal proposal but it was agreed by both families that we would wed this November and we have started planning, venue paid for, dress and caterers. 

Now my nightmare is that last month one lady came from no where with a two month old baby and she said Tolu is the father. In fact, when you look at the baby you will know that he is the father. He said they had a one night stand late last year and haven't spoken to each other since then. Initially he resisted it and demanded a paternity test which came out positive as expected. The girl says she doesn't want relationship/marriage but needs him to come and take responsibility and help raise the child, and he has agreed to it. Mind you, he's also taking care of his 2 year old and paying the mom 120k allowance every month, besides the boy's creche fees and other needs, and now this new baby. 

I know they had sexual relations before we started dating so I'm not holding that against him. But the issue is that am I ready to start my marital life like this? With 2 babies from 2 babymama's under the age of 2. His children will spend at least 2 weekends each in our home (if we marry) every month and both girls now have access to him whenever they want. I love him and I know that he loves me very much but I am so lost right now about what to do. My parents are silent, they are not happy but I think because of how wonderful he has been, they are reluctant to tell me to call everything off.  

Another issue is that they are both very young, one 23 and the other 25, I'm 31 and it's making me feel somehow insecure. I don't want to be married and be feeling inadequate, especially when these two young girls are going to inevitably have private times with him. 

Please your advise is needed, should I call things off and move ahead with my life or should I carry my cross and marry him, if it's God's plan? Thank you. 





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Comments

  1. Is he a good man?
    Marry him.
    I hope you have been having protected sex. You gotta test him for HIV before you marry him. Dont get why he keeps having unprotected sex up and down.

    It will be tough and complicated. But these days what isnt complicated?

    Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol, why did your mind go to HIV ??people whey get HIV no be humans Abi? There are other things to worry about than HIV.

      Delete
  2. ME I have had Terrible experiences with men with baby mamas,two in particular sef, they never worked for me,so I don't know what advice to give.... But if you are sure he loves you and he is someone to stand his grounds ,then you can talk to him about your fears,his response will then determine what you should do.. But I feel you should not worry much about the girls..

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is a complicated situation and one you have to decide by yourself regardless of the good pieces of advice you are sure to get. You are already knee deep in the relationship and as it appears, you are just bearing the consequences of Tolu's prior errors. You have to figure for yourself if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Tolu seems to be very interested in your relationship but you need to figure out if you can stand the weight and possible implications of his past choices. Chrisyinks

    ReplyDelete
  4. In your shoes I definitely would not marry him because the drama has just begun. But then I don't know the man and the baby mamas so I can't say. *whispers* Don't do it sis!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your concerns are valid, I believe you alone can decide if you really want to do this...there's no doubt about the pressures that's going to come from the other women, Tolu almost married one of them, Do you think Tolu can handle the situation? Can you handle the situation?

    ReplyDelete
  6. In a normal society Child Support would be mandatory. This isn't a normal society so baby mamas are more than likely to make this mandatory by any means necessary. I'm terribly sorry you're in this dilemma with the D day around the corner. If you were my sister I'd advise you against going ahead with the marriage. He may be good, but those ladies aren't worth the 1st 20 years of your marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Like Chrisyinks said you need to figure if it is a deal-breaker for you. Nobody here knows Tolu or yourself well, the decision making lies on you.
    You can postpone the wedding to give yourself time to evaluate the situation and arrive at a conclusion.
    It best if you two put things in place to cushion the effects his past actions might have on your relationship.

    Also try not to see this as a cross, a bump in the road fine but a cross sounds like you have resigned yourself to fate.

    Another girl

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can't handle that much drama and complication, I know I'll run if I we're in your shoes no matter how hard. But I can't judge the guy, he could end up as the best husband you could've ever asked for. Life is so individualised for each person.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is not a "yes " or "no" situation, you have all the facts you have to decide if you can deal or not deal. Your iju ase will be on 3 families if you decide to go ahead

    It is doable, but it will definitely come with it's challenges.are you ready to take that on or not? J

    ReplyDelete
  10. No no no. RUN. I absolutely wont do this if i was in your shoes no sugar coating

    ReplyDelete
  11. i was once seeing a guy with 2 baby mamas. i thought it was great that he took care of his kids. but after thinking everything through, i decided i am not ready for my children to be second class citizens, and neither am i ready for half or more of my husbands funds to be siphoned off to them in childcare. It was a cross i decided i could not bear. I let him go. You have to decide what you can or cannot put up with. It's a complicated and unfortunate situation.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Farming truly is the future, brother be sowing wild oats everywhere.
    Baby mama's are the new permanent side chick's. Can't breakup with them,cant live happily ever after either. Some dramas are unnecessary unless of course ur up for it. With such men,ur just gonna be "the married baby mama" while the rest are "the single baby mama". I don't think brother is keen on married life seeing that he's already left a marriage. Nne,the drama here still has part two..

    ReplyDelete
  13. HELL NO!!! Pleas don't go into this, run while u still can. Cos when you start complaining after marriage, everyone will be like, you knew all these and still went ahead with it. So my 1 cent is NO NO NO.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Simple advice, don't marry Tolu. A man that left a marriage and almost contracted another with a child but ended up with another child from a one night stand is as irresponsible and uncoordinated as most Nigerian politicians.

      Tolu cannot plan his life, and you will end up being the part of him that makes him look responsible. See, that's why he came up with marriage proposal from the beginning when he should have pressed pause to rethink his life.

      I am writing what your parents would have said to you, my concern is not even about your kids becoming second citizen in your home, the presence of those younger baby mamas in his life or the weekend hosting of his kids though they matter. It is more complicated, please let him go otherwise the nightmare after the ceremony will be too much for you.

      Your age is not a big deal, I have many examples of older girls getting married. It may not be easy, but don't put yourself under unnecessary pressure.

      Delete
  14. Two unmarried baby mamas? Are you ready for the possibility of at least, one of them becoming a co-wife?

    The answer should guide you.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  15. Chai, I feel d situation. Sasha bone is so right

    ReplyDelete
  16. My dear, Tolu may be a good man, but you have to find your better man, relationships and marriages are not the same.
    The baggage has only just stared. Are you planing on having only one kid in life? Cos how will Tolu cope with 3 kids from differnt women.
    When these women find husbands, chances are these husbands may not keep another mans kids in thier house. Very very few African men do so, especially if the child is male.

    You will have 2 extra kids to care for, as children they may not be a burden but as teens, it will take patience, pain, love from deep within etc.....are you that kind of person?

    Trust me this comes from a place of experience. There will come dayS when Tolu will be a pain in the arse when married, will your love or his love stand, cos marriage isnt just a walk in the park.

    The baggage is too much, one child ..
    ok, two.....hmmm. Financially draining.
    Will Tolus funds be able to care for you all?
    Please dont just marry cos your age is a challenge.
    Talk to Tolu, trash these things out, talk finances, talk , talk, talk. Then decide.

    Money is a deal breaker o. Forget love o.... (not that it isn't important).

    ReplyDelete
  17. My dear, Tolu may be a good man, but you have to find your better man, relationships and marriages are not the same.
    The baggage has only just started. Are you planing on having only one kid in life? Cos how will Tolu cope with 3 kids from differnt women.
    When these women find husbands, chances are these husbands may not keep another mans kid in thier house. Very very few African men do so, especially if the child is male.

    You will have 2 extra kids to care for, as children they may not be a burden but as teens, it will take patience, pain, love from deep within etc.....are you that kind of person?

    Trust me this comes from a place of experience. There will come dayS when Tolu will be a pain in the arse when married, will your love or his love stand, cos marriage isnt just a walk in the park.

    The baggage is too much, one child ..
    ok, two.....hmmm. Financially draining.
    Will Tolu's funds be able to care for you all?
    Please dont just marry cos your age is a challenge.
    Talk to Tolu, trash these things out, talk finances, talk , talk, talk. Then decide.

    Money is a deal breaker o. Forget love o.... (not that it isn't important).

    ReplyDelete
  18. What Mr. Wale said up there sums it up. I'm pretty sure it's probably what your parents hope you realize as well
    Age is relative and can only hold us back as much as we think it should. You will find love again, and not at the expense of your sanity (cos it will be threatened if you stay). Marriage comes with so many complications already, it makes no sense to head into what already looks to be a boiling cauldron of complicated!

    ReplyDelete

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