A while back I read a post by Nkem Ndem on Bella Naija and its comments got me quite excited albeit in a mildly perverted way.
Nkem says her mother has been putting her under a lot of pressure for years, to settle down and give her a grand daughter. And this time around Nkem told her Mum of this single 50 year old man who's likely interested in her. Her mother immediately rebuked the man, his presence in her daughter's life and the possibility of a marriage. She said; "he must be a terrible person to still be single at 50!"
The comment section tickled me, I confess. Many females agreed with her mother and several submitted that in fact any man who's 40 and still single must have a lot that's wrong with him. Many even went as far as to write about their experiences with men of almost 40 and above and how they should be avoided with a 90 feet pole.
Some comments from the post:
-Your mum is very right…. older unmarried men (never being married) are usually mentally unstable beings.
-this is very correct and I speak from Experience
if he hasnt been married at all then he is mentally unstable. #gbam
-Well, every society judges with all the above scenarios you mentioned. But I would be wary dating a man above 40 who has never been married before. More often than not, there is a serious coma about him.
-I know this would sound very backwards and I’m not known to think like this but I think her mum has a point somewhere, now I am speaking out of experience, I met a 40-year old man (never been married, no kids either) early on in my twenties, on paper he seemed to tick my boxes (at that age) but I realized very early that he was mentally unstable, no jokes, this man had an obsessive behavior and a weird disposition…but he was/is a very powerful career individual that is very smart. I still ran for my dear life, I love my sanity plix. So 80/100 times a man at that age that has never been married or had kids usually have some issues.
-Any man who isn’t married at 40 is either not serious, a serial cheat and skirt chaser, a confused fool, or too attached to his mum’s apron. Please don’t even mention 50. Haba! That’s way too old. I’d rather stay single. Nkem your mum is right… Too many question marks as to why he is still unmarried at that age…. You come near me with that age, I go just dey waka go
-40 and up never been married or no baby mama is a red flag. Run dear. Those kind of guys are usually very problematic
In no time the men started to comment and they were clearly very butt-hurt. Some called the commenters myopic and hypocritical. They said these are the same women and complain that society puts pressure on women of a certain age, to marry, and now here they were doing the same thing.
And I laughed my heart out.
You see, while I actually don't agree that every man who's 40+ and unmarried is problematic, probably because I've had no experience to support this assertion, I had a hearty good laugh because I could see something play out before me. These men clearly felt some type of way about the post and the comments. They were so defensive in a way that I've never seen men be before. These are the same men who say if a woman is 35 and unmarried there must be something wrong with her, yet they got so pained reading the comments. Obviously if this narrative of the 40+ single man is pushed further many men would likely begin to experience this pressure to settle down. One could tell from the male comments that those that are younger certainly don't want to get to that age and be single and be looked at as freaks, and I could taste their anxiety. Anxiety that could push them to settling down whether they want to or not.
And isn't it beautiful? While many woman have had to rush into marriage because of age or their biological clocks, or more often than not; societal pressure, now the men can get a taste of that poison too and just as well be forced to settle down. Ergo, more marriages! Hehe. Isn't that beautiful?
Personally, I could see myself marrying a man who's between 40-50, a well-preserved man above 50 is even fine by me (please nobody should tell my mother I said this, she would die!). But I think I'd be a bit more comfortable if he's been married before.
Do you have thoughts on this? Do you agree with the commenters above, is the 40 and never been married man a red flag? Do you also believe that if this narrative is pushed men would feel pressured too and like many women, be forced to settle down?