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Sitting In The Seat of Wealth.

Usually when I attend mass I sit upstairs. It's less crowded and very lowkey. Yesterday however I don't know what breeze blew me to the front rows of the church, downstairs. It didn't take me long to realize that I was in an interesting time. First, this man who's about 6.5 bounded up to the pew unceremoniously dumped his body right beside me and started chatting cheerily to the lady on my right, just like we were in his living room. 

It was the first time I thought to look at the person by my right. I'd thought I looked quite nice to church yesterday. I wore a knee length black sequined dress that loosely hugged my curves, black pumps and some silver jewelry. I was feeling fly until the seats around me started to fill up. The lady on my right is an older version of Toke Makinwa although naturally light skinned and curvier. Her makeup was befitting of a bride on her traditional marriage; inch long lashes, sharply contoured face, lace fabric looking like it was bought with blood money, expertly tied gele, perfectly manicured talons donned in gold and diamond jewelry and some fuck-me stilettos. Sitting beside her, I felt like somebody's forlorn grandma. 

So the tall man who's a popular face in church started chatting to her and it went like this:
"Oga didn't come today?"
"No o! He went to England to see the kids"
"Ah, why you no follow am nau?"
"Hmmm, uncle I'm broke jare. You know I just came back from New York last week, I couldn't travel with him considering I'd have to fly first class, and besides I will still have to go see them in December so I will just wait". 

Uncle nodded understandably; better not to fly at all than to fly economy. 

All around me air-kisses were being blown and banter was thrown around. 

"Oh Sade you're back? I thought Laura said she ran into you in Paris on Wednesday?"
"Yes he's in town, we played golf together yesterday"
"No I moved the children to a school in Switzerland, they're not in London anymore"
"It's your turn to host us to breakfast after mass, I hope your chef is creative"

On and on it went. 

What ate me up was that I felt like an intruder. These people all belonged to the same world. Their kids went to the same schools, they were members of the same clubs and their monies all smelt alike. And here I was, a face they all looked at a little bit longer because I was sitting with them but they couldn't tell who I was. I'd grown tired of the curious glances thrown my way, as if we were in someone's living room and not in a public place. It made me feel like I had no right to be there. 

The ladies were dressed in high fashion, some of their hats were so theatrical that I couldn't help but stare. The men, debonair and mostly athletic all had an air of confidence about them. 

When mass started and they couldn't speak freely anymore, the lady to my right started talking to me. She was the very dramatic talkative type and since I'd taken the spot of one of her girls I would have to do. First she asked if I could help her tie the hanging ropes of her wrapper into a bow. I felt slightly insulted that she felt the need to gesticulate with her hands to show me what a bow is. She shifted her perfect bum towards me and 3 seconds later she looked down at her bum, saw the nice bow and looked up at me like I was a new revelation. She said "Just lovely! You won't believe I spent 1 hour trying to teach my yeye house girl how to do that!"

I smiled politely. 

Then we got to talking about her makeup. I asked if she always had a professional makeup artist come make her up every Sunday before church, I couldn't help myself. She said she did and looked at me like what kind of dense question is that anyways? And then she said it wasn't a problem, all she had to do was wipe it off right after church. "I use Clarins eye remover for my eyes, really really good" she confided. Then looking at me more closely she said "But Marykay remover is also good too"

Choi! I have suffered in this life. So I look like somebody that cannot afford Clarins! 😭

I think she soon grew bored with me and halfway into mass she went to join the other intriguing ladies sitting two rows ahead of us, they made space for her and even more chatter followed. 

I soon tried to focus on mass and ignore the theatrics around me, for these people church was clearly an extension of their social clubs; a place to show off their latest Bentley or Birkin, to catch up, to chitchat and to know who made an extra billion last week. I was just starting to mind my own business when this petit trophy wife looking mixed race lady, whom I actually thought was one of the nice ones, turned to me and said "please uncross your legs and put them down, that's not ladylike, dear." in a condescending manner that also suggested that I was trying to seduce the men. My first thought was that if I'd come with a husband and even spread my legs wide open she wouldn't have a thing to say about it. I was torn between saying fuck you and politely uncrossing my legs. 

I simply picked up my purse and went to sit outside the church until mass ended. 

We all want to sit in the seat of wealth, but I think I will wait for my own time to come. 

Does your church have the bourgeoise click too? 


  1. Wow is all one can say, but it's lagos where almost everyone is fake. I wonder if they never get tired though.

  2. Choi Thelma af suffered. kikikikikikikikikikikiki i'm sorry am not laughing oooo. But Thelma, why did you leave to go sit outside??? Na those kind people I dey like well well, I would have sat put, uncross my leg, then cross it back later on, na she go tire na. Well, you see ehn, me I have never liked sitting in the front row right from school sef. I prefer the middle.

    My own catholic church on the mainland aint like this, the front rows are usually reserved for the old/elderly ones, aside that, every other person is equal.

  3. What nonsense, you didn't tell the decorated midget to shove it!? I
    developed a headache reading this.

  4. So because of madam oversabi, You went to sit outside? You didn't go upstairs where there's enough space? Was it that bad? πŸ˜‚

    I've been around similar kind of people during Mass, and I find them rather interesting.

  5. Yo! You gotta go back and sit there the next time you in Church. If they like they should be condescending...they should sha show you the road to making all that moooneey meehn!

    Keep going..until you get what I call 'fuck you' money. They all have 'fuck you' money thats why they talking to you like that. What you need to do is get that fuck you money too.


  6. Things like this, will make you realise why the rich don't marry the poor

    1. Did you just call me poor? 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

    2. Haha, I was imagining myself in that situation, with nothing in common with them, and how they will look at me as 2nd class.
      The fact is they see middle class as poor.

  7. This is why I stick to evening mass. I hate when people talk during mass. I'll keep giving them the "shut the fuck up look" till they stop. J

  8. Nothing like that in my parish, the rich seat at the back.

  9. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ T, i'm so sorry about your experience but this made me laugh. It's lagos na, so I'm not surprised at all. Smh

  10. Chai see as the smallie yeye you, she'll be feeling fly now mtcheeew. Thelma you fall hand oh, you actually ran lols. Like kon said, go back there next Sunday just to shut the smallie up and maybe network too you know.

    1. LOL dem senior me well well o! The people in this post are in their 40s and 50s, I walked away mostly out of respect (as a Nigerian that respects seniority in age. 😬)

  11. Wawuuu you would find such people at the back seat in most RCCG parishes though.... Me I can give you that 'can you keep quiet' look... Lol

  12. Wow wow wow! The many alternate worlds we have in this one world. But you really should have stayed put. Just thinking of any satisfaction she might have gotten from suspecting she played a part in your living is making me fume inside. In other news Thelma, please what is the name of the Catholic Church? A sister might be interested in a little act of faith.

    1. LOL @ act of faith. I attend Catholic Church of Transfiguration VGC

    2. I was almost about to ask if this was in VGC n saw this. Them folks can be extra extra! Can't be bothered to be bothered sha, I just face forward n enjoy the mass, go for communion (on days my cup isn't full) n leave almost literally behind the priest

  13. Na wa oh. I am not super rich but I can innocently be like these folks. I doubt that they were showing off. That's probably who and how they are, don't understand why you had to leave when you could have won new fans. Please try again

  14. I actually thought you would have won her over and stylishly introduced black carpet event and have yourself potential clients. I kinda agree with Wale.

  15. Thelma. with all your carriage and tushness.....chai . Next time kill 'em with confidence.

    Let them wonder #stayWokeπŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£


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