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That Time I Started Thinking I Should Just Have a Baby...






I know I've been really shitty at blogging but trust me I have good excuses reasons. Wait people, it just occurred to me that if I get pregnant now I can have an almost 8 year old by the time I'm 40!!!

I want my kids and I want them now! why should I have to wait for a husband? 

Those were the words of my cousin about a year ago when she deliberately got pregnant for a guy she was having a casual relationship with. We celebrated baby's 1st birthday last weekend, it was a very big party. Both the father's family and friends and the mother's were fully present. My cousin is 36 and wasn't keen on waiting for Mr Right to suddenly appear and swoop her away so she went and did what she needed to, to get what she wanted...

But many people still frown at this, despite the woman's age or needs. For instance many people gave Yvonne Nelson serious flack for having a baby without being married, oh let's forget that other drama surrounding her pregnancy for a moment...

When a woman is in her 30s, especially if she's in her mid to late 30s, would you advise her to start having babies or wait on God till she finds (or is found 😒) by a husband?

I know these 2 friends, both in their mid forties, both unmarried, both successful career women. About 3 years ago one of them realizing that time's no longer on her side went and got pregnant by an ex boyfriend. This year, she decided to get pregnant for him again (yes it was largely frowned upon by all of us but she insisted that she wants 2 kids and then she's done). Now this friend has settled into her new home and new life as a mother. She's able to provide for her babies, she goes on dates when she wants without the nail-biting tension of "he is going to marry me?", because she's already adequately fulfilled. She's open to still getting married, if God dims if fit to bless her with a husband, but if that doesn't happen then she's very fine with her job, business and two children. 

Her friend on the other hand has been under pressure by her family and friends to have a baby, just like her friend. They have pleaded with her that it would be for her own good, especially now that she's still got sometime before menopause hits. But she has staunchly refused, she insists that she won't have a baby until she gets married. So year in year out we pray that she will get married and have her kids, so far there's yet to be a single man in sight. She still insists that he will come, and until then, no baby!

I admire her faith but I worry because I've got aunties and family friends in their 50s and 60s still single, and their one regret is that they didn't have kids when they could, because they kept on waiting and believing that he would come. Unfortunately, most adoption agencies are very reluctant to allow single women adopt kids, so for these women, life can get really lonely. 

Anyways, would you advise a loved one who's still single to go and "just have a baby"? If yes, at what age would the person get to when you'd give this advise? If it seems like they're advancing in age and there are no marriage propects would you advise a woman (who can afford to look after a child) to have one, or encourage her to wait until marriage? 


Curious about your thoughts. Please share. 


Ps. This post is for those who want to have children, not every woman does. 

Comments

  1. I've been craving a child for years now and the only reason I'm holding back is finances. The moment I sort that out, a child becomes my top priority. So yes, I'd suggest same to a loved one that might need the push. There's the option of artificial insemination if a woman would rather not have sex and can afford the cost involved.
    As to the age, it's a matter of discretion but I think between 27 and max 35 is reasonable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Calm down, 27 is too young for that. As a matter of fact if one must do it, please wait till you're 40, atleast then you can say you waited. 30-35 is still young for that in my opinion. You can start considering from 36 or 37.

      Delete
  2. Due to my religious background and reasoning, I would never advice anyone to go and "just have a baby". While I understand and appreciate the human need for familial connection that comes with having a child, I would reckon adoption as a method that meets this need. Quite a lot of children are left 'parentless' (either due to death of parents or parent abandonment) and there's much that can be done to solve that issue. I strongly feel a child does better in the care of a parent figure and even best in a two-parent (male and female) household. We shouldn't belittle the care of a child to solely the financial capabilities of a would-be parent. Children are humans and not just possession items of a parent. Why for one's selfish reason head out to have a child because of societal pressure? If a woman or man feels the pressure to have a child, find some wiggle room in your boxes and find a spouse to marry. Chrisyinks

    PS: I'm welcoming of differing opinions as I don't have a fully formed view on this issue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What happens when the need to have a child is not motivated by societal pressure? And you're getting old? Also, most adoption agencies do not adopt to single mothers. Also would you marry just anybody simply because you want to have a child noting that an unhealthy relationship/marriage is no place to raise a child. All in all, I don't know what to advice. My religion and beliefs tell me that the above is wrong, yet I wonder... Is it really wrong???

      Delete
    2. @ Iyanu

      I am not aware of any data/research that proves that most adoption agencies wouldn't process adoption request for single mothers. I'm willing to bet that a few would be willing to hear such requests. I clearly didn't advice that one should marry anybody, I just remarked that one should be willing to compromise. Personally, I feel that hiding under societal pressure is just a weak excuse. And age, while a valid reason, doesn't deter one from adopting a child. Chrisyinks

      Delete
  3. I would advice a loved one even myself to go through with that option, if i am or she is in her 30's. Life can get lonely sometimes no matter how busy you are.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've always dreamt of growing with my kids and being the young looking mother with grown kids. At the same time, I want a successful career and a full family.
    Despite this, I've also intended to "just have a kid" when I'm financially sound but no husband in sight.
    I'm currently 26. (Wow I do forget I'm 26!) 😶

    ReplyDelete
  5. from the standing of a christian it will feel(or be) inappropriate but I'll always be in support of artificial insemination if you can afford it regardless of the miopic(in my opinion) view of my pastor.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am 41. divorced. No child. Each month the thought of loneliness at age 50+ without a child makes me sleepless. I earnestly need a child of my own. The more I need this child, the more I think of the village I come from. If you are a male child without a father figure, as time goes by, people will start making mockery of you. Even your mothers brothers might not want to welcome you in their home or call you brother. The fear of what the boy might go through in future in that community makes me retrace my desperation for a child.

    What if the child staying in town and refuses to come home to that community forever, hmmmm, but definitely one day he will want to trace his root.

    If she is a female child, I will roll out the drums, she will be alright last last with her husband and me going for omugwu.

    If this desperation continues within the next few months, I will look for someone who will give me belle. I have even started taking supplements for a healthy baby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Anon, I'm so sorry about this. I sincerely pray that God hears and gives you that which you desire. Amen.

      Delete
  7. The problem with this 'let me just give birth' is that there is a place for fathers in a child's life. A very important place.
    Have you met children with daddy issues?...it goes in too deep.
    We are raising a generation of fatherless children and the effects are appalling.
    It's understandable if women are single mothers out of circumstance Eg death of spouse or divorce... But to consciously decide to raise a fatherless child...

    Children are not items... We need to seriously this about how such a child will be raised and the human being he/she will become.

    Gift

    ReplyDelete
  8. In the bible, In her quest to have a child after her husband died, Tamar slept with her father inlaw (she tricked him though) to fulfil this need.

    The children lived. I totally understand the need for children to be raised by both "responsible" parents, but it will not always be the case since absentee fathers and mothers will always abound.

    I am all for adoption, but human nature is selfish, the need to have your own often takes the lead. Only unusual humans take that route. The ones who adopt and are happy with their decisions irrespective of what happens.

    I think that if a woman reaches a certain age, with no husband in sight, and she desires a child of her own , then she should fill the void.
    Not every woman will experience a miracle like Sarah .

    I have come to understand that God isnt a rigid Being . He sees our every need and desires. He knows and understands where our needs stem from.



    ReplyDelete
  9. Claire, u see that 'God ain't rigid' yea mehn. And yes Tamar's kids became the lineage of Jesus.

    ReplyDelete

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