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Things I Don't Know How To Do.

It's 10:40pm, I'm at Radisson Blu VI Lagos, just rounded off a meeting which lasted for over 4 hours, everyone just left and I decided to come and have a drink by myself at the pool, do a bit of thinking and relax a bit before I go home to continue relaxing. 

I forgot my ATM somewhere over the weekend and I'm yet to pick it up and I've got limited cash on me and I just ordered a Long Island and I'm not planning to leave here till about midnight and I'm steady trying to figure out how to sip on one glass of cocktail for an hour because I'm not one who feels comfortable sitting out with nothing in front of me, unfortunately I'm not one of those people that can sip on a glass for one hour, in fact my Long Island is going down in two minutes or less and I'm worried about what I'd do next. 

In any case while I'm sitting here I might as well tell you other things that other people can do that Thelma can't. 

1. Give a massage. I've watched hours of youtube videos trying to learn but when it comes to the practicals my hands just go limb and I burst into bout after bout of incontrollable giggles. In fact baby boy told me two nights ago that I won't make a good girlfriend for this reason. 

2. Dance. But many of you already know this. 

3. Give someone the silent treatment. Really wish I could though 😩

4. Listen to raggae music. Tried a thousand times, failed a thousand times. 

5. Not be happy for someone else. Like no matter how shit my life is, I literally cannot hate on someone else's success. 

6. Fall for, flirt with or even think of being with a friend's man, no matter how perfect I think he might be for me.  

7. Lunges. Even when I'm in fitness beast mode. I can lift, plank, squat with weights, do high knees, 500 jumping jacks easy, jump squats, but my legs simply cannot do lunges! All my trainers in all the gyms I've joined have given up on that. 

8. Not say my mind when I'm hurt or pissed or angry. I'm one of those people who literally can't bottle things up. I would let you know exactly what you did, why it hurts and how it hurts. 

9. Sleep in church. No matter how sleepy or bored I may be, even if I tried. 

10. Sip my drink slow. I think that people who can have super powers. I just don't know how people go out and have the same glass of liquor for hours. I think broke people have mastered this art. Guess that means I'm not and cannot be broke. Thank you Jesus 😂.

Haha. I've succeeded in killing time, it's 11:20 right now so I guess I'll head home in a bit. I'm done sharing random things I cannot do that some others can. Add yours!



  1. I cannot stay idle no matter how I try to. I like activity but it may surprise you to no that I'm not an extrovert

    I cannot keep an angry face for long. I burst in to laughter in milli seconds

    I cannot sleep early. If it's not 12am, my eyes would still brighten up like a led lantern no matter how tired I am


  2. I don't know how to ride a guy, as in stay on top during sex. I wish I can pay somebody to teach me.

    1. Ermmmm baby, tell me you kidding??? It's easy aff.. I can teach you Biko but we gotta experiment...😂

    2. 1... I can't and will never know how to pretend, I serve you as e dey hot.. I have tried but wooshh it ain't working.. (favourite shades knows this 😂)
      2..Just like you too Thelma I don't know how to give a massage,i will just destroy the person's body with my nails... Oops..
      3.. I don't know how to keep grudges Biko. .nahhh way
      4.. I don't know how to want to belong, no matter the class or setting I find myself in,i prefer to be myself .
      5.. Like you too Thelma, can't be catching feeling for a friend's boo..
      6. I don't know how to secretly wish for other peoples success or get jealous. I just pray for mine.
      7.. I can do everyother work out but I hate burpees, kill me with other work out but not burpees Biko, ama run...

  3. I cannot hide my feelings, if I hate or like u it will show.

  4. I cannot stay angry at people, intact I rarely get angry.

  5. I swear me too I cant sip anything slowly. And the thing is - I dont mix my alcohol, so I end up drinking spirit straight and in a few minutes I have done half the bottle. This life!

    @Thelma - I know you the kinda person that wont dance at a party but you dance for hours when you home alone doing alanta, shoki, millie rock and the rest.


  6. 1. I can not give someone the silent treatment. No matter how pissed off I am at you, if you call, I answer. Of course you'll know within seconds that we ain't cool.
    2. I can't fall asleep as long as I can hear anyone snoring near me. Thank God for headsets!
    3. Consciously or otherwise throw trash on the floor/road/bus/ or anywhere not a trash bin. My 💼 or pocket is usually my temp holding place till I can find a bin.
    4. Carry a tune to save my own life! 😭
    5. I really can't drink raw eggs without puking, whatever its nutritional value.
    6. I can't covet a friend's boo or ex for that matter. The moment they become an item is the moment oga is mentally christened as another brother.
    7. Can't deal with bad sex. It's either good or not at all.

    And the list goes on........

  7. 1. I wish i could get drunk sometime; I have an unusually high tolerance for alcohol.
    2. I can't do power napping; I have to be très confortable ON A BED!
    3. I can't sleep for more than 5 hours in a day. Cant sleep while the sun is up.
    4. I cant stop reading, relevant and irrelevant.
    5. I cant keep quiet in the face of injustice especially if it borders on intimidation.

  8. 1. I can't just lie down and sleep off. It takes like 30mins to enter sleep mode.
    2. I can't sleep immediately if I come awake for at least 10mins. I have to start the whole process again and this time longer than 30mins
    3. I can't sip my drink slowly
    4. I can't seem to find a way to relax my mind. It's always on work mode. That's why I don't get to sleep immediately I want to
    4. I can't read for more than 4hrs at a stretch. That 4hrs sef I'm already restless
    5. I can't keep malice. I keep giving excuses for peoples bad doing. Even when I snap I don't keep it in.
    And so on.

  9. No matter how hard I try, I just can't.......

  10. I can't buy or carry a fake LV bag

  11. I can't read slowly, infact most times I get too impatience and start from the bottom paragraph to the top.
    I can't help to eat whenever I am hungry, even in the middle of the night.
    I can't do sit up on my own to save my life. #Coversface
    I can't sit without ordering a drink or something while waiting for someone.
    I can't do without a band or wristwatch on my wrist, I feel naked without any.
    I can't seem to care less about what people think, I just do me and be happy.

  12. 1. I can't dance in a public, If someone is watching forget it
    2. I cant pretend to like someone no matter how hard i try.
    3. I cant do lovey dovey acts in public and when i see couples doing such i just roll my eyes.


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