Last night "the friend", let's call him X, stopped over to see me on his way back from work and I decided to go home with him to kick it and chill. This was at about 6 pm and I'd planned to either spend the night or leave .
So we get to his place, I'm having a drink, he's having a drink, then he says we'd have to go out to get something to eat, as the only edible thing he had was edibles. Magic brownies to be precise. Now, I don't know why the people who make these brownies have to make them so chocolatey and yummy, and you see those juicy moist pieces of chocolate cake and you can't believe that they're anything but innocent. It's been about 8 years since I last had those, in the days of youthful exuberance and mild experimentation (I've never been much of an experimenter) but sweet toothe that I am, I wanted that brownie so bad.
I took my first big bite and he said to me "Babe, slow down o! This is Shitta weed, it's not just any weed. This one is different".
I took another bite, all I could taste was chocolate and joy! I took another bite and when I noticed he wasn't eating I stopped.
"Good, you better slow down. This particular weed is also a serious stimulant, it can do you strong thing"
"As in sex stuff?" I asked
"Yes o! Sex stuff..."
I wasn't feeling anything, except a sugar high maybe, I took another bite.
We were chilling in his backyard where we usually hang if we don't stay indoors. At first I saw a shadow move. I wasn't sure, I looked closer and another shadow was moving. I rubbed my eyes.
The mop stick seemed to be talking to me. The mop morphed into a face, and a mouth that was moving but I wasn't hearing the words. I got up to go sit inside, he followed me.
The living room was dimly lit but I was sure I could see mice (not rats, mice, I'm honestly not sure why I was sure those were mice not rats) scurrying around the floor, so I lifted my legs off the ground and placed them on the centre table. My legs felt like they belonged to someone else. In fact they didn't feel like legs, it felt like I'd just hoisted two lumbers.
At that point he was sitting beside me, he moved in for a kiss and I screamed blooood of Jesus at the very top of my lungs! He freaked out and I could swear he almost slapped me, I saw his both hands move to slap my face and I shuddered... But who slaps somebody with both their hands?
He moved away and then I started to freak out. I was suddenly so sure that he was plotting to kill me and my thoughts were very detailed. He was going to put his index fingers in my eyes and gouge them out, then he was going to stab me and then cut my body in pieces.
I started to panic, nobody knew where I was. I then decided to call a popular blog reader (Let's call her Dee) who lives two compounds away and whose husband is best friends with X. But then I realized that if X did chop my body in pieces it's Dee's husband he would call to help him get rid of my body. And Dee's loyalties would definitely lie with her husband and not me. Ergo, I was alone.
I got off the sofa and started pacing, I needed a plan before I ended up dead. By then X was in the kitchen making some noise with pots and pans, and maybe waiting for the perfect moment to stab me. I then went to the kitchen and pretended I was on the phone with someone "Yes, I'm in Lekki, yes nau, no... With that Dee's husband's friend, ehn, the one who lives just around their house. Yes that's where I am, on road 3.", I said into the phone just so he knew that if he killed me, they will know who to look for.
Then I went back to the living room but I couldn't relax. "Are you waiting until he kills you before you get out of here?" A voice asked me. I replied asking why it was sure he'll kill me. "Look, it's your instinct talking, listen to me. Don't say 'I should have listened to my instinct' when you're already dead!"
Immediately I picked up my phone and requested an Uber. I called the driver and spoke to him in hushed tones, giving him directions to the house. The minute I hung up X walked in with a large tray, he had fried eggs and made toast and a side of coleslaw, at that point both guilt and intense hunger consumed me. The hunger was stronger... Effect of the edibles.
He had heard the end of my conversation with the Uber driver and got really upset that I didn't even tell him I wanted to leave. Mind you, I'd only been there for less than an hour. He was saying something about it being disrespectful, or hurtful, or shameful... Or whatever... I remember thinking I will apologize when I'm in the safety of my home, and alive.
I gulped down as much food as I could and immediately the Uber called, I grabbed my bag and flew out of there. X was foncused!
The minute I got home I raided the fridge. First I ate slices of bread, and then left over beans I found on the cooker, and then a bowl of Golden Morn, and when I realized that my belly had become a bottomless well that would never get full, I went to lay in my bed.
Slowly I began to feel the effects of the brownies ebb away. I was relieved, but almost immediately something else started to happen. It started from my toes, and then went up between my thighs. It was tingly, too tingly, I rubbed my thighs together uncomfortably but that only ignited the fires, and then I remembered; it's a sex stimulant.
I tried to ignore the feeling but I couldn't. Next thing, I jumped off my bed and started running through the house in search of anything cylindrical shaped (don't ask me why 🙈). I used to have cylindrical shaped toys but one day I realized they'd varnished, maybe a horny house-help decided to help herself...
And then I went through wardrobes and lockers,opening and then slamming shut, searching for anything that could bring me relief, I felt like I was literally loosing it. My legs were trembling, my mind was bursting with carnal desires. It was then I had a light bulb moment. The fridge.
I dashed downstairs and practically flew into the kitchen, I opened the fridge and the fridge light shone bright, just like the light at the end of a tunnel, because my eyes had just met with many cylindrical-shaped organic vegetables.
Tl-Dr: stay away from drugs, it makes you crazy!